To resent my stepfather for his illness?

[Larkdedah]

My stepfather has chronic pulmonary obstructive disorder (CPOD) caused by years and years of chain smoking roll ups.

He moved in with my mother and me when I was 13, married my mother when I was 15. I never liked him right from the start, everybody told me I just resented him for his intrusion into our lives, which was probably some of the truth, but it was also because he's a passive aggressive patronising lazy sexist man-child. Over the years most people have come to realise how awful he is, my late grandmother, who liked everyone, came to hate him for the way he treated my mother.

He's now ill enough that my mother has effectively become his carer. She's 60, just retired, fit and healthy and young in outlook, and she's saddled with a selfish ill man who can hardly let her out of his sight. My DM has had a really shitty few years, my grandparents have both now died but in a past few years she's had to deal with her father deteriorating due to dementia and being a live out carer to her almost blind mother and him. She should now be able to relax, travel and enjoy life, but she can't.

His illness is also coming between my DD and my mum. They adore each other, and have the most lovely relationship. DD's other grandparents live abroad and my dad lives a couple of hours away, she hasn't really got the opportunity to build a close relationship with them so as far as grandparents go my mum is it. It used to be that my mum picked DD up from school one evening a week and they did an activity together, but that's more or less stopped now because my mum can't leave her husband for any length of time in case he has a choking fit. Even if DD goes to my mum's house it's still all about him and his constant coughing fits.

I'm so fucking angry with him for ruining our family like this. He knew smoking endless roll ups was bad for his health, not to mention everyone else's as he did it in the house, now not only is he paying the price but the rest of us are too.

[NotMeNotYouNotAnyone]

Yanbu op, and are getting a horrible time on here

You know that your DM isn't going to leave him or refuse to care for him. It's okay to be angry on her behalf but try to remember it's her life and don't get angry with her, that will have a lasting effect on your relationship. But that leaves you with all this anger and frustration and the only one you're hurting is yourself, in the end.

Your mum deserves a break. But sometimes life is shit.

[jetsetlil]

OP , you are so not BU!
I would feel exactly the same as you in your shoes. I gave up smoking, it was hard but I did it. You can't suddenly like or have sympathy for someone who you previously detested because they are now very sick with an illness they have brought on themselves. It's good that you can vent on here rather than saying anything in real life. You are not vile at all - what you are is not 'fake'

[MitzyLeFrouf]

Sometimes complex & toxic histories & backgrounds do sap any sympathy you would otherwise have for someone so ill.

Absolutely Tension.

[Sallystyle]

I think I understand what you are saying OP and your post was just badly worded.

You obviously have many reasons to dislike him if he has treated your mum like shit and now his illness is causing her more trouble because she is having to care for him and I imagine it must be really hard to see your mum go through this. Sometimes anger is directed at the wrong thing (him smoking and being ill as a result) when really you are angry that your poor mum is under a lot of strain when she has already had years of dealing with being treated badly and you want her to be happy, especially in her later years.

You aren't vile and lots of people do actually resent people when they are ill and feel a lot of guilt around their feelings. I see it often but most people just don't admit to it on an online forum.

I'm sorry some people can't read between the lines a bit and see this for what it really is. That's their problem, you have done nothing wrong. They are the ones who need to learn some empathy. Your feelings are actually really common and you can't help how you feel, so as long as you are supporting your mum and not saying any of this to her and your stepfather you have done nothing to deserve any bad replies.

[ToastDemon]

NotMe that's a good point. An ex-friend who behaved in a very damaging way towards me has recently been diagnosed with a life-limiting illness. I didn't care. I wasn't pleased or anything but I couldn't pretend to feel bad for her.

[Namechangenell]

YANBU, OP. I am similar to you in that I have a step dad I don't particularly like. He is a selfish bigot and my DM is very different around him than she is when he isn't there. He's a smoker too, always promising to stop but failing. I don't go and stay with DM anymore as I don't want my DC exposed to the smoke. So - step dad has effectively succeeded in ensuring we all see DM a lot less often than we would have otherwise. DM can't seem to see that he is a controlling bully and also appears to fear being alone. (She is upset when we come over (live abroad) and stay in a hotel or with other relatives - but it was her choice to marry a smoker and it is mine not to expose my DC to his fumes.)

I would be just as upset as you in your position. You are understandably bitter on your mum's behalf and it sounds like she's done more than her fair share of caring duties with your grandparents. It's very unfortunate timing that your step dad is now so unwell. Is there any way that you can convince her she is now in a position of relative power? That she can take some control back? There is no shame in either her or any carer saying that they need a break. Step dad can 'refuse' respite care or other carers all he likes, but she's the one with the power to arrange carers, say two days a week, and take a bit of time for herself. Could you help her research local options?

I wish you luck. Not an easy situation and it would be hard to see your DM wearing herself out like this if it was for someone you liked. To see her running herself ragged for someone who hasn't been kind to her in the past must be so frustrating. Ultimately it is her choice though - if you can help her seen that, you'll be halfway there.

[Gottagetmoving]

It's up to your Mum to do what she wants to do OP.
I can understand how you feel. You are being honest about it and should not be getting the nasty comments from people.
You love your Mum and hate to see how this affects her life. It's not just your daughter who is missing out, it's your Mum who is missing out too, but it's her choice so you have to accept it and support her, whether you approve or not.

My mother had COPD and although I loved her I resented her through her years of illness because she had been self centred and ignored all advice about smoking and drinking. It affected everyone in the family, and, yes, I know it was addiction but sometimes it is not just that. It sounds like your stepdad has always been selfish apart from that addiction so your resentment is understandable.
You know there is nothing you can do about this, so try to accept the situation and make the best of what time you and your DD get with your lovely Mum.
It's all really sad.

[Larkdedah]

It is a complex and toxic history. I've put the bare bones I here because I can't condense 25 years into a few paragraphs, and because some of it isn't my history to tell.

[Veritat]

It's ironic that it's the very people calling the OP "vile" that come across to me as lacking empathy - and imagination. Just because someone's beloved dad had COPD does not make the OPs stepfather beloved to her. She'd be hypocritical to pretend otherwise.

^

This.

There should be a general principle on Mumsnet: if you find yourself about to accuse another poster of being "vile", just stop. There's a good chance that it is you who are the vile person. Even if they really are advocating slaughter of the firstborn or mass racism or similar, just report them.

[juneau]

I don't think YABU at all! In fact, if I was you I'd feel the same way. However, your DM had choices - she didn't have to marry him and he also had choices - he didn't have to smoke. I think you have to accept that they BOTH made choices that led them to this miserable point.

I also have a DSF who's a selfish arse. He's drinking himself to death. He was always abusive too (verballing, physically, financially), but my DM chose him and still chooses him. Its her life. Your DM had choices and she chose him. You need to accept that.

[juneau]

*verbally

[Bubblesinthesummer]

I do wish you well OP, but I'll bow out now.

I'm terminally I'll and I hope to goodness my DH and family don't feel this way about me.

[Xmasbaby11]

I'm sure I would be angry too. I'd want my mum to enjoy her retirement and not be a carer.

But she did choose to marry him and look after him so there's not much you can do.

[TubbyTabby]

YANBU Op.
he sounds like a shit.

[Larkdedah]

Thank you to the people who have understood, and also to those who have been honest amd saying I'm vile. That's not sarcasm, it's easy to get stuck in your own thought patterns with something you don't vocalise to others, so hearing a range of opinions isn't a bad thing.

[CruCru]

I admire the OP. It isn't easy to admit honestly to really negative feelings - and presumably she isn't being horrid to her mum or stepdad?

I could easily imagine myself feeling resentful in her position.

[ThisOneSeemsNice]

I get it OP. I think I'd feel the same as you in the situation you describe.

[Chchchchange]

I really feel for you OP. I can't think some of the people calling you vile have ever actually found themselves in a similar position. It's very easy to judge when it's hypothetical.

I would be feeling so angry and resentful if I was in your shoes. Your poor Mum. She has chosen her situation, yes, but when is it ever that clear cut? People choose to stay with arseholes for all sorts of reasons, generally because they're scared of being alone or have extremely low self-esteem. I only see someone posting who loves her mum and who wants her to have a nice retirement and enjoy her granddaughter and there's nothing wrong with wishing your daughter could have more time with her gran - it can be a very special relationship and your daughter is missing out.

I hate smoking. I think people just bury their head in the sand about the death they might be facing if they smoke. I can understand why and it's an addiction and all that but other people are left to pick up the pieces.

[Italiangreyhound]

Larkdedah I am so sorry your mum is having such a hard time. I am also sorry you are getting a hard time on here, it's just the way mumsnet goes, kick people when they are down sometimes seems to come into play!

For what it is worth YANBU to resent a a passive aggressive patronising lazy sexist man-child. Yes, he may be dying but that doesn't mean he was nt also a nasty man, and why does he have to control your mum to the degree she has not time for anything else. And so he is using his last bit of life making your mum's life miserable, BUT this may not be on purpose ... and as she loves him, it is her choice.

I am afraid for me SOMETIMES grandparent relationships are a bit over rated so I personally would not feel overly sorry for your dd in this but I do feel sorry your mum is being deprived of her grand daughter because her husband cannot cope without her.

I think all you can do is keep providing your mum with opportunities to see her grandchild, and you. Plus offer advice on any help your mum may be able to get with caring for her husband.

Sorry people have called you vile, it's just people being nasty!

[Larkdedah]

Low self esteem and fear of being alone, that's my mum. Although when he does die I'd be more than happy for her to live with me if she wanted.

[AyeAmarok]

I get you OP.

You'd feel different if he was a nice person, had treated your mum well, treated you as her daughter well, and was a good grandfather to your DD.

But he wasn't. He's been unpleasant and selfish his whole life and, completely understandably, you see this illness as an extension of that.

He added very little to your mum's life when he was healthy, and now he's taking it all from her now he's ill.

for you and your mum.

[CocktailQueen]

how can you resent someone for being ILL?

Easily, if he's been horrible to your mum for years and you resent him anyway and want a better life for your mum...

OP, your mum could stand up to him and say that she needs respite care and if he doesn't agree to have another carer in, she will leave him. She has to take care of herself too.

[Roonerspism]

I wonder how many of the people replying saying you are "vile" OP have not found themselves in a similar situation.

I think you are being admirably honest.

I have a very sick - long term ill - FIL. The strain on the whole family is immense. He has a disease which he could not have prevented contracting. I have never particularly liked him but he is not a bad man.

I am shocked at how resentful I feel - everyone is exhausted and run ragged.

We are but human. Vent away

[PosieReturningParker]

I understand how you feel OP, for all the crap your DM has been through this guys saving grace could have been to look after her and yet she gets the crap again.

I don't know if YABU because the way we feel isn't always reasonable.

You're angry, just make sure your DM doesn't know. Help her get out a bit with you and your DDs and on her own. Take her for dinner or something X