Why doesn't anyone like me?

[Ihatebeinghated]

NC as feeling a bit sensitive and don't want anyone who knows my usual username knowing this is me.

Not sure this is really a AIBU but unsure where else to post this.

For as long as I can remember lots of people seem to really dislike me. I thought I'd got used to it by now but obviously not.

I'll start at the beginning as don't want to drip feed. Looking back at my childhood (which was generally very happy) I now realise lots of people seemed to really dislike me, even my own Grandmother said I wasn't 'likeable'. When I say people I mean adults and children. I had a small group of close friends but looking back I can distinctly remember some of their parents taking a dislike to me, and one in particular making snidey comments which I used to try and take as a joke but it did really hurt. I was a polite and good natured child (so I'm told, I'm not just saying that myself) but there was just something people couldn't really take to. This has been the same throughout my childhood and into adulthood. I used to put it down to being an only child (I wasn't spoilt but was probably quite grown up and often preferred to spend time with people who were older than me), but now I'm not sure that was the reason and think it's just something 'about me' that makes people dislike me.

I've not got what you could call a 'best friend' and most of my friendships are quite causal, i.e. Nobody I regularly spend time. Throughout my adult life I've worked in a few different places and seem to get the same reaction everywhere.

I've been in counselling over the years and explored different reasons why this may be the case. I've tried lots of different things, such as:

• taking more of an interest in the other person by asking questions and looking interests
• talking less about myself (even though I don't think I really ever did)
• making more of an effort to invite people out
• being more upbeat and 'vibrant' (again don't think I was particularly dull anyway)

However nothing seems to work. It's come to a head today because I've just started taking my baby to baby group. Met a Mum the first week, seemed nice, she added me on Facebook then on my next visit to the group she practically blanks me. Tried not to dwell on it, thought she may be having a bad day or something. Spent next baby group talking to another Mum, again seemed really nice and we got on well. Bumped in to her in town today, I said Hi and tried to start a conversation, she blanked me and rushed off. Saw her a little while later, I was in a shop a and she was looking in the window, she was about to come in and she saw me, put her head down and walked off.

I'm so upset, it's happened, yet again!

I really don't understand why people don't like me. I feel so sad and I'm so worried that my DC will end up with no friends because their parents don't like me.

Are some people just unlikeable for no particular reason?

I've asked people in the past and they can't (or won't) give me an answer.

My family says not to worry about it but I really hate being disliked!

Any thoughts greatly appreciated.

I have namechanged for this, as you can probably tell by my username ;-)

I know how you feel, OP.

I have felt all my life that people don't seem to take to me like they take to other people. I really cannot put my finger on what makes me feel like this but there is just something where people don't seem as warm towards me as they do to others.

I have plenty of friends, and a good social life, but everyone always seems more interested in others. There is never any willingness on other peoples' parts to find out anything about me. I met for coffee with a friend yesterday and she spent the whole time talking about things that are happening in mutual friends lives and didn't ask me a single thing about myself.

I didn't have the greatest childhood and my parents both made it clear that they did not like me, and that I was heavily unlikeable, so I guess it is some lack of confidence on my part that makes me pick up on things that are not there and over analyse them, I don't know.

Ach, these pronouncements made over children make me so mad!

This may sound peculiar but with things like this I see it as something like a coat put on me by somebody else (their stuff!) and I enact taking that coat off: no thank you, not mine, doesn't fit (never did).

I've heard "like yourself, then others will like you" before. But I always think it's a pity that people who are unlucky enough to dislike themselves then have to be disliked by everyone else too, and that's supposedly their own fault for not liking themselves!

Fuck em. I've noticed in life that it's the pure cunts, and arrogant not nice people that everyone "seems" to Like, and have loads of friends. Just carry on being yourself it's everyone else's loss, you can't make people like you.

I have had a similar problem most my life.

I asked DH why some people don't like me or blank me after talking to me. He was very frank and said that I always had a look about me that makes me look like I am judging everyone or that everyone is beneath me - and this is just my normal blank face. I don't have to say a word.

It gets worse when people talk to me. DH says they can immediately tell I am very intelligent, educated and 'upper middle class'. He says I tend to dress 'posh' - which I think is hilarious - I do like to be dressed well all the time (I will never leave the house without doing my hair/make up properly - even if it is a 5 minute job) but what is 'posh' anyway.

So DH reckons people are overwhelmed with me and don't know how to 'handle me' and since they don't feel good about themselves when they are with me they avoid me. I have always gotten on with much older people.

I can be as friendly as anything and it takes only an equally strong/confident or mature person to see through my 'haughty look' and to know I am genuinely lovely!

It usually gets worse when they see our house - DH inherited lots of a small Georgian home full of antiques from family . We are not rich, but you would think we are millionaires with tall ceilings/chandeliers and expensive antiques.

I rarely invite anyone to the house because I always sense the same discomfort - like someone has gone to visit the Queen, and they have to be on their best behaviour. They rarely relax. Its always polite giggles and comments on the fancy china.

I have just learned to always remain polite and friendly and if people don't want to know me - it is their loss. I have so many mothers blank me - but there are few that after they take the time to know me it gets better.

I have also learned that sometimes people are just so wrapped up in their own world that I shouldn't take it personally.

According to this RBF is just as common in men, and is the perception of a would be neutral facial expression as showing some contempt. Very subtle differences which are percieved as harsh. Source of Your Resting Bitch Face

But as Willow suggested, if I'm not feeling good about myself I might be intimidated to be in the presence of someone who is well presented, fearing they might be judgemental that I am not. Or as a hang over from teenage bullying, I can be a bit self conscious around slimmer people. And it's ridiculous really, because it doesn't mean they are unkind, any more than my having fat has little to do with the rest of my personality.

I try now to tell myself to give people a chance and not pre-judge them as being judgemental, because its hypocritical! And mostly folk are quite nice even if they aren't going to be your BFF.

From now on, assume that the person 'blanking' you hasn't seen you or is not wanting to bump into someone they know because they have a ladder in their tights, or have dashed straight from the gym without a chance to change, or some other thing that isn't about what they think of you x

Haven't rtft so apologies.

op I feel for you...but I do agree that you are stringing together too many things which are not related.

I am unlike you in that I find it easy to make friends but I also hated baby groups and mat leave generally ! I remember crying with hurt feelings when mums I thought were friends ignored me in the park..but you know what..I was tired and emotional and lonely. ..abd I expected too much from women I barely knew.

Just because someone adds uou on Facebook maybe next time they see you they are tired or had a bad day or whatever and don't feel like talking.

You need to slow down in what you expect from people . Re baby groups. .its so hard. I suggest find groups you enjoy and really try to relax about the friend thing. It takes time ! You can't start being hurt and upset by people you hardly know.

I am better about how I feel about myself. I think one thing is to get busy, not just painting the bedroom, but do some voluntary work, start some classes (anything photography/ choir......), hobbies which you can talk about - could be marathon running, knitting, cooking.

If you are dashing into the supermarket on the way to one of your busy appointments you don't have time to notice if so and so from the baby group spoke to you or not. If you do bump into someone you will not have time to speak as you are on your way to blah or blah, so appear a busy happy person with an interesting life, not a lonely needy type to be avoided.

This way others will be more likely to want to have a coffee with you. Difficult if you have a small child but being busy you will also be occupied by your interests and have less time to dwell on being lonely (and go on FB).