Why doesn't anyone like me?

[Ihatebeinghated]

NC as feeling a bit sensitive and don't want anyone who knows my usual username knowing this is me.

Not sure this is really a AIBU but unsure where else to post this.

For as long as I can remember lots of people seem to really dislike me. I thought I'd got used to it by now but obviously not.

I'll start at the beginning as don't want to drip feed. Looking back at my childhood (which was generally very happy) I now realise lots of people seemed to really dislike me, even my own Grandmother said I wasn't 'likeable'. When I say people I mean adults and children. I had a small group of close friends but looking back I can distinctly remember some of their parents taking a dislike to me, and one in particular making snidey comments which I used to try and take as a joke but it did really hurt. I was a polite and good natured child (so I'm told, I'm not just saying that myself) but there was just something people couldn't really take to. This has been the same throughout my childhood and into adulthood. I used to put it down to being an only child (I wasn't spoilt but was probably quite grown up and often preferred to spend time with people who were older than me), but now I'm not sure that was the reason and think it's just something 'about me' that makes people dislike me.

I've not got what you could call a 'best friend' and most of my friendships are quite causal, i.e. Nobody I regularly spend time. Throughout my adult life I've worked in a few different places and seem to get the same reaction everywhere.

I've been in counselling over the years and explored different reasons why this may be the case. I've tried lots of different things, such as:

• taking more of an interest in the other person by asking questions and looking interests
• talking less about myself (even though I don't think I really ever did)
• making more of an effort to invite people out
• being more upbeat and 'vibrant' (again don't think I was particularly dull anyway)

However nothing seems to work. It's come to a head today because I've just started taking my baby to baby group. Met a Mum the first week, seemed nice, she added me on Facebook then on my next visit to the group she practically blanks me. Tried not to dwell on it, thought she may be having a bad day or something. Spent next baby group talking to another Mum, again seemed really nice and we got on well. Bumped in to her in town today, I said Hi and tried to start a conversation, she blanked me and rushed off. Saw her a little while later, I was in a shop a and she was looking in the window, she was about to come in and she saw me, put her head down and walked off.

I'm so upset, it's happened, yet again!

I really don't understand why people don't like me. I feel so sad and I'm so worried that my DC will end up with no friends because their parents don't like me.

Are some people just unlikeable for no particular reason?

I've asked people in the past and they can't (or won't) give me an answer.

My family says not to worry about it but I really hate being disliked!

Any thoughts greatly appreciated.

Firstly, I'm sorry you feel no one likes you, you must feel very lonely.

Looking at what you say - you meet a mum, you get on, she adds you on FB, literally the next time you see her, she blanks you. How can that possibly be? How can you have done or said anything between those two meetings to put her off? You can't.

It's clear you don't find making friends easy, and you are anticipating that you won't be liked, so maybe you are sub consciously putting up barriers?

I have often received feedback that I'm aloof/reserved/hard to read. In truth I'm shy, although as I've got older I've learned strategies to mask that and I have always made friends once people have got to know me.

Thinking about people I haven't warmed to in life, it's been because they are very self centred (friendship has to be a two way thing), or they are competitive about everything, or they are overly critical or have a negative attitude or just because we disagree about fundamental things/values. When people are truly nice this tends to shine through fairly quickly.

You sound perfectly nice to me, it's possibly your early experiences are holding you back now in terms of forging relationships (how old were you when your grandmother said you were unlikeable? What effect would this have on a child?) I would continue seeking help, and if there is anyone you are close to, ask them to give you some feedback.

Good luck

I've felt like this a lot too and recently I noticed that I felt like it a lot more at 'certain times of the month' - after a few days I start to feel more positive about things and it bothers me less. I wonder if perhaps you are suffering from depression, even if only a mild form?

There is a lady at my sons school who I assumed would be a bit of a cow when I first saw her, but as soon as I spoke to her I realized she was anything but, she's a really friendly and lovely woman and I am quite ashamed of my initial feeling about her. I based my judgement on the fact she is very attractive and gave a confident vibe off and I assumed she wouldn't want to know the likes of me. But I actually get the impression she is quite shy. There is every chance people have thought about you, maybe you should see it as a compliment!

I agree that if you are shy, you maybe give off a vibe of being aloof. When I was at school a girl once accused me of being stuck up because in a group I didn't chat to her much, I was actually painfully shy. I know I also try too hard sometimes and probably come across as quite annoying, a try hard. Those people who are confident don't have to try and don't worry about what people think so come across more, natural I guess and so appealing

I know this is nearly impossible but I really think you just need to try and care less, stop over analyzing things or, like I have had to, just accept that you worry and that it is probably irrational and try not to listen too much to that voice in your head telling you everyone hates you. As for the baby groups, perhaps they are just as worried as you - the first lady maybe was busy trying to make another friend the second time round, just as desperate for a friend as you were and the second lady perhaps just finds it hard to talk to people and did avoid you but just because she is shy herself. I'm terrible even now when i see friends in town, I must look like I am trying to get away from them but in reality my mind is constantly worrying that they feel stuck talking to me so I try and give them an out!

Could it be something you posted on FB that upset her maybe?
I've been told I have quite a bitchy looking face which makes me unapproachable but then they say I'm 'quite nice' once getting to know me

When I first met my best friend I thought she didn't like me. She is, by her own admission, difficult to get to know and her introverted nature comes across as aloofness. I wonder if you are similar? My BF is an incredibly kind, thoughtful, interesting person but it does take a while to get to know her (and it's IMPOSSIBLE to have a conversation with her on the phone - we've just agreed now only to communicate face to face or via text message).

We became friends when she very determinedly pursued me (that sounds awful but if she hadn't, I would have assumed she didn't like me) and after a few drunken nights out we became firm friends.

If you meet someone who you think is worth the effort maybe try being a tiny bit more pushy? Perhaps you just have that slight stand-offishness that makes people assume that you don't like them?

Anyway, good luck. You sound lovely - I'd be your friend!

I'm sorry you feel so sad OP, your post really touched me. I think you've had some great suggestions, the only other thing I can add is to back up what a pp said - baby groups, school gates etc can be very funny places - you only have to read all the threads on here about cliques and bitchiness. It is possible to make good friends but often you'll find a few years later that you drift apart anyway because all you really had in common was your kids.

Having young kids can be tough and for me I feel i lost my identity for a bit, life is so totally different to what it was like before! I guess this comes out in different ways for different people - it might explain why you're feeling particularly sensitive but also why other people seem to be behaving unkindly - you really dont know what's going on in someone else's life. Or maybe that's a charitable way of looking at it and they're just not very nice!

It sounds cliched but I've genuinely found that when I stop caring what other people think and trying too hard to be liked I feel better and am often more 'in demand'. Thing is, you've got to actually like yourself. I've got a pretty grumpy face and for years people told me they thought I was hard or scary or a bitch when really I was just shy :( I tried so hard to come across as more friendly once I found this out but these days I really cba so I'm just me and sod anyone who doesn't like me, I'm happy as I am (mostly :)). There's something appealing about a person who appears comfortable in their own skin although I know it can be hard to pull off at times.

You sound lovely OP, you've obviously got family and friends who think you're great, you just need to try and find what will give you a bit more confidence in yourself .

Thanks so much for all the posts - I'm really touched that so many people are taking the time to respond.

You've all given me lots to think about (but I won't overthink, which I think is half my problem!

Everyone has said something that makes sense to me so I'll reflect on those and try to just be myself.

In general, positive, friendly people will assume the best meaning of what you said, and negative, unkind people will assume the worst.

I agree with the first half, but the second doesn't take into account someone who might be self-conscious, sensitive or dealing with other issues. All of these comments were made by someone the first time I met them - had I been worried about my health, wondering whether I had made the right decision to move to the area, feeling bad about not being offered a promotion that would have allowed me to afford private school or tying myself in knots over how to discipline my child, I might have felt judged and put-down.

My point was that you don't know where these kinds of comments will land when you speak to someone new - they might be a positive, kind, friendly person who is feeling raw that day.

The OP may not be anything like this person (probably not given the level of introspection shown in this thread), I'm just saying that all the people I know who have been widely unpopular have been people who make comments like this without thinking about how they might be perceived by the person they are talking to - not malicious, just a little thoughtless.

If I encounter groups where the circle closes in, I smile and get them to big up I present to ignore inclusion and just join in with a low key question here and there. It really works nearly all the time.

Sometimes I hang out with circles of blokes instead of women. I find them easier to make a connection with as they are less judgy.

budge up, not big up

and pretend

Do just try to be yourself. One of my best friends had a really quite offputting demeanour when I first met her, and it took about two months to break that down, and it turned out she was a warm, funny caring person. On the surface, she appeared almost blank and emotionless. The more she relaxed and was herself, the more she made friends.

You sound lovely, but don't fixate on this, mum and baby groups are notoriously hard to fit into as all you have in common is having given birth, you are better off finding activities or things to do and then if friendships stem from that, great, but if not, you still have interests (e.g. book groups, film clubs, or doing something with the babies). I had a horrid experience with a nasty NCR group and never really did make any babymum friends, I have tended to bond better with my work colleagues as we are all similarly odd and a bit obsessed.

Maybe you were a precocious, knowing child, the kind that adults often don't take to, and you've just defaulted to a position of assuming that folk won't like you because you weren't popular in your youth. Then, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy because you act oddly/awkwardly and people don't know quite what to make of you until they get to know you.

Baby groups are bonkers. Everyone has a baby groups story. Don't worry about the women there.

Actually just forcing you way into a group does work, I agree BoffinMum! I was determined to get on with school mums and so I swallowed my shyness and just join any group of mums I see in the playground and talk - not in a pushy way, just join in. I may annoy people that way but if I do they are good at hiding it! The first time I did it the group went quiet for a few seconds (very awkward) but the next day one of them actually came over to me to talk so I can't have bothered them too much lol. I've added a few of them on fb too - I was worried they would think I was odd for doing so (constant worrier) but then thought f*ck it and so far they have all accepted me and then added each other shortly afterwards. I have also made a particular point to talk to one of the quieter mums and offered her a lift and we get on quite well - again I was worried she would think I was odd for being so friendly so soon but I think that has been my problem, over worrying and I think perhaps the same is for you. Maybe just try for a week going out of your comfort zone and not giving people the chance to exclude you, it is awkward but seems to be working ok for me and the more you do it the easier it gets. Good luck xx

I think I know where you are coming from. I have had the accusations of being 'snobby' 'cold' 'weird' 'aloof' from an early age. I don't have that many friends even now. But the ones I do have are loyal and I get on well with my colleagues. I think what helps is that my personality fits quite well in a STEM environment.

Anyway, I wasn't shy just not a people person, that and I was precocious too. Made school a lonely place. I wonder if you have that same vibe as I do?

I don't really have much in the way of good ideas, I've met most of my friends from University or work -It is damn hard to make new friends as a new parent.

You do seem like a self-sufficient type - this is a compliment. Maybe people are either jealous of you as they might be slightly intimidated by you. That doesn't mean you don't want friends though but that you have something that other people think they lack.

I think you sound really lovely, and you must be pretty likeable if you have a husband and baby. I have got one of those bitchy faces, one of my bosses favourite things to say to me when he asks me something is "shall we try that again without the face", and i really can't help it, i don't even realise i'm doing it. But he does tell me he likes me.

I know someone who said they same as you OP. I like her, but she can be hard work, to be honest.
When she meets new people she comes across as this odd mix of slightly desperate (sort of like "be my friend! please!!") and quite prickly (like "you're not going to be my friend, are you, I bet you won't like me either, nobody does. Fuckers") and its sort of off putting.

I feel very similar to you. I have a group of 'old' friends from schooldays but feel I have persistently failed to make new friends over the years. I met a couple of friends through baby groups which lasted a couple of years and were quite intense friendships but then in both cases I was suddenly 'dropped' and these frinds moved on to another best friend leaving me baffled as to what I did wrong. I have worked at the same place for 10 years and yet have failed to make a single frined that I see outside of work. Virtually all of my 60 work colleaugues are part of small friendship groups who meet for lunch/ cinema/ dog walks/ pub quiz, yet not once in 10 years have I been invited to one social event unnless it is a work team event/ night out. I consider myself interested in others/ lively/ try not to gossip about people , be supportive of people etc but I just don't think people like me. I think all you can do is just persevere and be yourself.

How old are you? I think some personalities are suited to a certain age group! As a child I was socially awkward - very intelligent, a bit oversensitive and quirky. As a teenager, I struggled to fit in with the peer group and felt frustrated with having to do work that was 'too easy'. I didn't have the maturity to see that the teacher may have a purpose for making me do the work, I just saw it as a waste of time. In my twenties I got on ok, but seemed 'older' than my same age peers.

Now, in my thirties, I feel comfortable with who I am. I'm not extrovert, although I am very vocal in meetings, etc. I now recognise that I process information very quickly and I'm quite decisive, but also reflective. That can make me seem intimidating or 'scary', I am told, until people get to know me....they see me as 'on the ball' so worry that they'll be judged. I'm socially quite shy, have a naturally dry and sarcastic sense of humour and am a bit of a fan of satire. That's an acquired taste! However, if people get to know me they find me to be hardworking, loyal, generous and caring.

Interestingly, as I've got older I've found myself to be given leadership roles in voluntary work. I'm a chair of governors, and previously chaired other groups. People appreciate my qualities and I think I am probably matched with my personality and my age now.

Some years ago, I started in a new job where it was predominantly staffed by women. I always said good morning, hello, etc and generally made an effort to be friendly, but no one really reciprocated very much. One day as I was in the staff cloakroom, getting ready to leave for the day, I heard 3 women talking about someone who they described as "having a piss off face "! I didn't know who they were talking about until I walked towards the door and then I saw the look of shock on their faces. It was then clear to me that they'd been talking about me. One of the women hastily explained that they hadn't meant any harm and the other 2 shuffled about looking at the floor in embarrassment. I said that it was fine but as it was the only mug I had, I couldn't do much about it but given a chance, my piss off face could be quite funny sometimes. I'm really glad that I reacted as I did that day because, after that, people became much friendlier. I think word went round that, whilst I might be a snotty looking bugger, I had a sense of humour. Since then, I've made a concious effort to try and look a bit more approachable except when I specifically want to look like a snotty moo but my face, in repose, just isn't a friendly one!

It's funny as it seems lots of us appear very different on the outside to how we really are/feel. If we aren't aware of how we come across, usually without saying a word before we are judged, then it's difficult to match that or counteract it. Perhaps I look together and confident when I feel anxious and awkward so it comes across as something altogether different.

I did meet a colleague a few months back for the first time and she seemed frosty towards me compared to others. I met her again recently and it was totally different. I may have thought it was because of me but actually it's not, perhaps she's just a bit shy and takes time to warm up too. I'm also very awkward at knowing whether people want me to say hello - maybe the mum from the toddler group was like this and avoidance is easier, I do this all the time.

Honestly? I meet people all the time who seem to take a dislike to me and I genuinely think it's their stuff lol . i'm generally friendly, smiley, take an interest, open - what's not to like? If a bod takes a dislike to someone without getting to know them then that's all about the bod: their stuff.

Bitchy resting face? Ffs! There are a myriad things could be going on with that person which we can't possibly know; their 'resting face' says very little about them. If someone makes a comment that is a bit off I think of the times I've made a comment that's a bit off (tired, distracted, shy, unconfident, absorbed etc) and hoped it would be forgiven - so return the favour. People have so much going on its not possible to gauge them quickly so don't bother with people who do. Their stuff - why the need to categorise?

If it makes you feel more confident, get your teeth fixed. One less thing to worry about eh. Chances are people who are worth knowing wouldn't care if you brayed at them with wonky teeth akimbo.

Your grandmother? Her stuff! Really. What kind of grandmother would think that of their own grandchild. Something wrong with that grandmother.

Babyroobs Have you invited any of your colleagues to do something outside of work?

I ask because sometimes I feel like as someone who feels socially awkward, I'm always waiting for permission or invitations from other people to join in. The revelation I've been growing into is that maybe they are waiting for me to invite them. Someone has to move first. Someone has to add the other on facebook etc. Sometimes we're so frightened of rejection that we never take our turn to be the one who risks it. We have the ability to extend that hand of friendship too.

Someone I know who I thought was really confident and outgoing (she runs baby classes) related a story of being blanked at one of the first toddler groups she went to as a mum by a cliquey bunch who chatted amongst themselves and didn't think to welcome a newcomer. It really made me think because A. I couldn't believe that someone so popular, upbeat and desirable as a friend could have the same feeling of social rejection. and B. I'd always assumed that everyone else is OK, and I'm on the fringes, and it made me realise that I was often so caught up with my own anxieties that I might not be as observant of others or welcoming myself. Now when I'm in groups I'll try to just join in more, and if someone is on their own I'll speak to them (I feel really awkward when I do this and sometimes it results in a better conversation than others).

From social media I also found out that an old school friend of mine who I was friendly with in lessons but never felt I was worthy of being in her social circle (she just seemed so together, so cool and was part of a 'popular' group), had spent quite a bit of her school yers being bullied by nasty jealous folk in that group. I couldn't believe it and wished I had spent more time getting to know her then as she is brilliant and funny, and I now consider her a friend.

Ihate

The other thing that occurs to me is I am really rubbish with names and faces (perhaps because I'm borderline Aspie and don't give enough eye contact) so sometimes second or third meetings with people I've already met, even if I like them, because I'm embarrassed that I don't remember their name or their babies'. I don't think I've really avoided speaking to anyone in that circumstance, but I might spend half that conversation being a bit guarded until I place where I know them from!

Since realising I have strong Aspie traits, I've been a lot more forgiving of myself when I'm a bit awkward because I see it as a skill I need to practice rather than something inherently unlikeable about me.

I struggle with closer friendships too, so I'm not saying it is easy. But I think realising that lots of people feel a bit lonely or awkward and just need you to make the first (second, third) move to get to that friendly place with someone.

We got offered a lift home when it was windy and rainy at group last week, so I can't be as odd as I feel sometimes! That was a really kind gesture which I appreciated. Unfortunately I can't remember her name! But things like that, or being the one who suggests going out for coffee and cake, to the park or soft play, they make other folk feel included. :)

Good luck, and smile!

I liked this book
www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/1618580140?psc=1&redirect=true&ref_=oh_aui_search_detailpage

it explains that making friends isn't that easy (for anyone) and that they usually develop gradually over time.

Aw, OP, you sound lovely.

I agree with everyone who's said that baby groups are bonkers, people are not themselves at them! The only thing I might suggest (but please don't start over thinking this!) is that sometimes I feel myself starting to rely on one friendly face at groups - once I've made a connection with someone the next week I'd go back to them, and I think people sometimes worry that I'm going to be a stalker.

But it's so hard to gauge, isn't it, because if I then try to be friendly but not overly so the next time. .. They might think I'm avoiding them!

I love threads like this, it proves that we're all a mess of social anxiety and it's not just me.

I'd also recommend 'Rachels Holiday ' by Marian Keyes, there's some lovely stuff later on in that book about how we often compare our insides, how we feel with other people's outsides - that we assume other people are so together, confident, happy etc.

Keep trying, put yourself out there, and good luck!

I'm misunderstood and that if people knew the 'real' me then they'd like me better.

So there is something in the way you come across?

I have to agree with a pp though. When I used to make loads of effort at work to be nice to people I found that alot if people would be awful to me. Adult bullying type stuff. When I started just being myself (so probably more relaxed and comfortable) I don't come across it anymore. I did also start standing up for myself as well.

If people are adding you on FB and blanking you, what do you put on your FB? If there is nothing people can find offensive, I wouldn't worry about it.

My sil struggled at baby groups. Turned out to be that she kept putting comments about why she couldn't understand mothers who work 'what's the point in having kids and getting strangers to raise them' and 'being a sahm is the most important thing in the world. Why would you not do it!'

Most of the mums she was socialising with were going back. The others found it distasteful.

Sil genuinely didn't realise so many people wouldn't like this.