Why doesn't anyone like me?

[Ihatebeinghated]

NC as feeling a bit sensitive and don't want anyone who knows my usual username knowing this is me.

Not sure this is really a AIBU but unsure where else to post this.

For as long as I can remember lots of people seem to really dislike me. I thought I'd got used to it by now but obviously not.

I'll start at the beginning as don't want to drip feed. Looking back at my childhood (which was generally very happy) I now realise lots of people seemed to really dislike me, even my own Grandmother said I wasn't 'likeable'. When I say people I mean adults and children. I had a small group of close friends but looking back I can distinctly remember some of their parents taking a dislike to me, and one in particular making snidey comments which I used to try and take as a joke but it did really hurt. I was a polite and good natured child (so I'm told, I'm not just saying that myself) but there was just something people couldn't really take to. This has been the same throughout my childhood and into adulthood. I used to put it down to being an only child (I wasn't spoilt but was probably quite grown up and often preferred to spend time with people who were older than me), but now I'm not sure that was the reason and think it's just something 'about me' that makes people dislike me.

I've not got what you could call a 'best friend' and most of my friendships are quite causal, i.e. Nobody I regularly spend time. Throughout my adult life I've worked in a few different places and seem to get the same reaction everywhere.

I've been in counselling over the years and explored different reasons why this may be the case. I've tried lots of different things, such as:

• taking more of an interest in the other person by asking questions and looking interests
• talking less about myself (even though I don't think I really ever did)
• making more of an effort to invite people out
• being more upbeat and 'vibrant' (again don't think I was particularly dull anyway)

However nothing seems to work. It's come to a head today because I've just started taking my baby to baby group. Met a Mum the first week, seemed nice, she added me on Facebook then on my next visit to the group she practically blanks me. Tried not to dwell on it, thought she may be having a bad day or something. Spent next baby group talking to another Mum, again seemed really nice and we got on well. Bumped in to her in town today, I said Hi and tried to start a conversation, she blanked me and rushed off. Saw her a little while later, I was in a shop a and she was looking in the window, she was about to come in and she saw me, put her head down and walked off.

I'm so upset, it's happened, yet again!

I really don't understand why people don't like me. I feel so sad and I'm so worried that my DC will end up with no friends because their parents don't like me.

Are some people just unlikeable for no particular reason?

I've asked people in the past and they can't (or won't) give me an answer.

My family says not to worry about it but I really hate being disliked!

Any thoughts greatly appreciated.

I was wondering the same thing Katenka.
Have a look at your FB and make sure there's nothing that could be seen as offensive on there.

OP – I could have written your post a few years ago. I had one close friend, a former colleague, who’s 20 years older than me, and that was it. I didn’t fit anywhere else, and got quite down because I never had any other females to socialise with. I started to feel like quite a failure.

Then quite by chance, in the space of a year, two former close friends, who’d both moved away, came back to the area, and I’ve rekindled both those friendships.

So this meant I now had 3 close friends (a personal best!). Spa days, a drink after work, a shopping trip etc, and just general female stuff, were now back on the menu and it made me feel so different about myself. I know you shouldn’t need other people to validate you, but in reality I think lots of us do.

So whilst I understand that I’ll never be the popular girl that everyone wants to know, and that I only really fit with slightly quirky people, I don’t really care anymore because I’ve got three lovely friends. And as quite a few people have mentioned up-thread, once you stop worrying about what people think about you, the whole game becomes a little easier.

But as regards making new friends from scratch – if someone is persistently unreceptive to being friendly, don’t keep banging your head against a brick wall. Move on. And maybe consider forming friendships with slightly older people? In my experience they are less prickly.

Oh – and I joined my local book club; the other members are well-read, slightly quirky types, who I always find more friendly than Miss Popularity 2016 !!! And try Meetup.com – full of people who’d also like to make more friends.

I once heard the saying "it is none of your business what other people think of you" and I think this is absolutely true.

A change to your thought patterns may be all that is needed. It seems you are bulking several comments (which we all have) from your life into one conclusion and allowing it to determine your own perception of yourself. It is human nature to put ourselves down but when we so this, we find it hard to hide these preconceptions of ourself from social situations. So if you go into a social situation expecting to be disliked, people will find you stand offish, hard to get to know and hard work conversation wise. On the other hand you may over compensate for this self belief and become over friendly and over bearing.

For example said mum at shops may have nipped out but insecure because she had no make up on. At playgroup she thought you looked fab which heightened her own insecurities. She sees you at shopping at panics! How can she stop and talk looking like that!

Just an example but when you realise that other people have their own securities you will realise that these social situations are no always about you.

So work on yourself, you will still come across people who take an instant dislike to you but it is their problem "none of your business". By being more as ease with yourself you will be more open to people naturally.

As for the playgroup thing continue being nice! If after two or three times they are still not forthcoming with friendliness, move on. But I expect (as with most mum social scenes) that the ignoring stemmed from their own social awkwardness.

Focused speaks much sense! I often try to remember that saying, hard to live by but it is so true. We're all complex, can't second guess each other. Best to try and not worry.

Yes, the key to infiltration is to be smiling and friendly, never complain, never dominate, ask people about themselves a bit but not too much, just light interest, never nosy. Occasionally comment on the weather etc. Avoid being like Saga off The Bridge at all costs.

Good opening gambits as you infiltrate:

"That is such a pretty scarf. Can I ask where you got it?"
"I didn't think it would be so windy today! My hair has gone wild!"
"Has your DD/DS been coming to this school/group/class long?"
"I didn't think I would get us to school on time today after the great Book Bag Hunt!"

I would also suggest that you are overthinking what other people, and how much they are thinking of you. Your username is "Ihatetobehated". If you think about it, hate is a very strong emotion. I don't hate anyone, I'd say a lot of people don't. Nobody hates anyone they've met once or twice anyway, they simply haven't thought about you nearly enough to hate you, they probably haven't thought about you long enough even to actively dislike you.
You're actively looking for friends, but a lot of people you meet won't be. They might have friends they don't have time to see already, as well as family and work/kids etc. It's not that they meet you and think "well, she's bloody horrible, I don't want to be her friend", more like they meet you and forget about you 5 minutes later. They aren't thinking about the interaction in the same way you are at all.
You really need to take it all more lightly, these things are organic and can't be forced. In fact trying to artifically create it is probably what is stopping it happening.

Oh, OP, I'm so much like you - even down to the charmingly wonky teeth! I, too, struggle in baby groups and have had embarrassing encounters with people I've previously gone for coffee with and thought we had a nice time.

The difference between us is that I no longer care very much about this. I'm not a hugely sociable person and I'm happy to spend most of my time with my lovely DH, DD and extended family, who all love me, and I them! I've also realised that my issues are from my childhood (mum with low self esteem) and that there's actually nothing wrong with me at all. And there isn't with you either, regardless of whether your are inadvertently pushing people away or pissing them off with thoughtless comments. Yes, do try to be as good a person as you can, and treat other people with respect etc, but don't fall into the trap of scrutinising and questioning everything you say and do in order to make yourself "OK" to others. You are OK already. It's pretty likely that you're just a little insecure and for that reason come across as a bit reserved or whatever. People are drawn to those who feel comfortable in their own skin and the way to become that is by trying to be the person you really want to be, not the person you think others will like.

OP - I do understand that previous bad experiences can affect (effect?) your confidence though. When I was going through my friendship drought, it didn't help that I worked with 3 complete b*tches, who formed a toxic group and completely excluded me. I certainly didn't imagine this, and it didn't help my feelings of inadequacy. Thankfully we've had some staffing changes and I now work with very nice people!

PS - I'm guilty of running away to avoid someone I knew, just because I'd got a large spot on my chin, and hadn't washed my hair (I was unwell at the time, just in case anyone was wondering) but I was too ashamed of my appearance to face the person who was approaching!

PPS - you're welcome to join my Book Club!!

Haven't read all but here are my thoughts. Are you:

• unkempt looking
• very shy and hard work
• very loud and domineering
• brag a lot about things
• intense and share a lot of personal details straight away when meeting someone
• negative about a lot of things, moan a lot
• smell bad
• look down (or appear to look down) on others

That's just a few things that would make me not particularly like someone...

Gosh - thanks so much for all the advice!

A few people have mentioned Facebook so just wanted to answer that.

Have checked my Facebook and don't think there is anything that would have offended on there, just pics of my DC and occasional status update, wishing DH happy birthday etc.

Some great advice from everyone - I've reached out to an old childhood friend today, we both love 100+ miles from out family and live quite close to each other. She was delighted to hear from me (Yay!) and we are meeting up soon for coffee.

I'll try not to have too many expectations of people and try not to let past experiences affect me. I love MN, you lot are fabulous!!

I'm sure you're fabulous too, OP - you just haven't found your tribe yet :)

new groups are frantic social sorting out scenes on the first day, as those who do want to be left out are trying to read who will be the social arbiters. So maybe the mum who was friendly decided she had made a mistake and did not want to be the excluded one-necessary to have the one who is left out so the rest are the ingroup-hence her blanking you. Or maybe she was just thinking about a personal problem and did not consider how you wd feel. When did you begin to realise that you were not included? If you grew up less aware of others and were quite happy with your own company , you may have missed out on the social cues that go on all the time and expect to be accepted for yourself. As you have found out that it does not work like that , you may have become less self contained and be doubting yourself. You have a choice -either educate yourself in the pick me dance[ movie Heathers will give you tips] or maybe decide your self worth does not depend on the social acceptance of others but on your self respect. Or something in between=cd do some pretending for social comfort. A friend in her 50s got the braces and thinks it's worth every $ and pain. I'm keeping my funny teeth -i smile with lips closed until i laugh and show 6 gold teeth which blind the viewers to the bent ones!

I think what people say on this subject and what they actually do are very different things.

I know so many people who say 'I don't like people who are arrogant, I don't like people who say hurtful things, I don't like people who are competitive'. But then they have all kinds of friendships with people who are exactly those things because those people are also confident and open and popular!!

I think shyness and a lack of confidence pushes people away more than any of those things. Which is awful for the shy person (I count myself in that category, btw!). I suspect that all you're doing wrong is being a bit too self-effacing and a bit too sensitive to other people. When you get knocked by rejection, you can easily get into a cycle of feeling raw, and then every tiny thing that smells a bit like another snub really hurts.

Is there any reason you feel this way? For me, it's linked to some pretty awful behaviour from my family that has caused some lasting pain and difficulties. Because I feel rejected by them on a permanent basis, I am oversensitive to rejection in other contexts, and I have to try a bit harder to keep everything in some kind of perspective. One thing I find helpful is to take a day away from people when I feel terrible, and regroup. Then, deep breath, smile, and get back out there!

FWIW, I think you sound awesome and I'd love a friend like you.

Lots of great advice here.

You mentioned that you rarely smile and try to talk without showing your teeth. I think that could make you seem less open and friendly.

If it really bothers you then get your teeth fixed but honestly, I think something like that is a good way to filter out some of the arseholes of life. Someone who doesn't want to be your friend because your teeth aren't perfect is best avoided. Most people won't give it more than a passing thought.

You've had some good advice on this thread OP. The only thing I'd add is if you don't like yourself then others will find it hard to like you. I think you need to give yourself a break (easier said than done) and stop over analysing these situations.

Sorry I havent RTFT but I just wanted to add that I have ducked out of bumping in to mum's in town or in the playground - i have had some family problems which have been exhausting and sometimes I just dont have it in me to put on a smile and do nice chit chat - so I have run in the opposite direction. It has never been because I havent liked the person I've spotted. So please try not to take it to heart. She/They may have been having a bad day.

Plus one of loveliest friends was someone I took a dislike to when I first met her - she was extraordinarily grumpy but a mutual friend kept throwing us together. In the end I discovered I found her grumpy persona was just that and she was really funny, kind and loyal. (she does have a grumpy resting face and I have a worried looking one - we didnt hit it off to start with!) Some of the best friendships take time, a bit of nuturing and a lot of patience.

I promise you that half your baby groups will be worrying about similar issues.

I know a woman who, it appears, it universally disliked. I tried to think about the characteristics that she possesses that make her so unpopular. They are:

She is big headed and arrogant, a huge 'show off'
She has no self awareness
She is aggressive
She leaches of her mother financially
She is obsessed with Disney (!)
Her personal hygiene is questionable
She is duplicitous
She is a gossip
She lies, constantly
She is selfish and self serving
She has no redeeming qualities that I can think of (but she must have some, granted, they are just not apparent to most people)

OP, from what you've said you don't sound much like this woman. I think sometimes thinking that you are dislikeable is a self fulfilling prophecy. How is your self esteem? I should think pretty bad. If you don't like yourself v much you will of course assume others feel the same. Work on this. I think when you start to feel not so bothered about who 'likes' you and who doesn't, that's the key to happiness.

Could it be that you're not used to making small talk

I read somewhere recently that posher people do better in interviews as more used to making small talk about the weather and general idle chit chat

Like all skills it's something that can be learned. Next time someone starts up a conversation, try to keep it going

It doesn't matter if you say something silly, just see it as practising your skills and smile back at people

Different people like different things about others. One person's confidence might seem like arrogance to someone else. One person's openness is over-sharing in another person's opinion. One person's "bubbly" is another's annoyingly loud, and one person's dull and quiet is another's good listener.

Practise smiling with your lips closed. It's the gesture of smiling that matters. Not how many teeth you show

A tight-lipped smile can come across as fake here

I once read something that said our relationships with other people is a reflection of our relationship with ourself. I've certainly found this to be true in my own life. As I learned to like myself more, I found other people responded to me in a more positive way. Of course, if you're basing your own opinion of yourself on how others see you you will get rather stuck.

OP I think you need to ask whether you like yourself, before considering why other people don't like you.

Maybe something to explore with a skilled therapist if it's distressing you.