Why doesn't anyone like me?

[Ihatebeinghated]

NC as feeling a bit sensitive and don't want anyone who knows my usual username knowing this is me.

Not sure this is really a AIBU but unsure where else to post this.

For as long as I can remember lots of people seem to really dislike me. I thought I'd got used to it by now but obviously not.

I'll start at the beginning as don't want to drip feed. Looking back at my childhood (which was generally very happy) I now realise lots of people seemed to really dislike me, even my own Grandmother said I wasn't 'likeable'. When I say people I mean adults and children. I had a small group of close friends but looking back I can distinctly remember some of their parents taking a dislike to me, and one in particular making snidey comments which I used to try and take as a joke but it did really hurt. I was a polite and good natured child (so I'm told, I'm not just saying that myself) but there was just something people couldn't really take to. This has been the same throughout my childhood and into adulthood. I used to put it down to being an only child (I wasn't spoilt but was probably quite grown up and often preferred to spend time with people who were older than me), but now I'm not sure that was the reason and think it's just something 'about me' that makes people dislike me.

I've not got what you could call a 'best friend' and most of my friendships are quite causal, i.e. Nobody I regularly spend time. Throughout my adult life I've worked in a few different places and seem to get the same reaction everywhere.

I've been in counselling over the years and explored different reasons why this may be the case. I've tried lots of different things, such as:

• taking more of an interest in the other person by asking questions and looking interests
• talking less about myself (even though I don't think I really ever did)
• making more of an effort to invite people out
• being more upbeat and 'vibrant' (again don't think I was particularly dull anyway)

However nothing seems to work. It's come to a head today because I've just started taking my baby to baby group. Met a Mum the first week, seemed nice, she added me on Facebook then on my next visit to the group she practically blanks me. Tried not to dwell on it, thought she may be having a bad day or something. Spent next baby group talking to another Mum, again seemed really nice and we got on well. Bumped in to her in town today, I said Hi and tried to start a conversation, she blanked me and rushed off. Saw her a little while later, I was in a shop a and she was looking in the window, she was about to come in and she saw me, put her head down and walked off.

I'm so upset, it's happened, yet again!

I really don't understand why people don't like me. I feel so sad and I'm so worried that my DC will end up with no friends because their parents don't like me.

Are some people just unlikeable for no particular reason?

I've asked people in the past and they can't (or won't) give me an answer.

My family says not to worry about it but I really hate being disliked!

Any thoughts greatly appreciated.

I wonder if you come across as a bit needy? Someone who really worries what other people think of them, can be really hard work. I can think of a woman I know like this, she seems lovely, but I just don't have the energy to be friends with someone needy.
Obviously ignore if you think I am wrong.

awww i wouldnt worry too much about the mothers at baby group. They could of been in their own world and didn't realise how they behaviour was coming across to you.
You could also be reading too much into it. Relax and try not to stress. the right people who need to be in your life will come to you.

big hugs :)

I sometimes feel the same way OP, maybe you're over thinking things and worrying so much about being liked..that it's become counter productive

Maybe you could concentrate on being you, try and get interested in things, and love your faults and flaws. Maybe if you love yourself a bit more it'll be easier for others to love you too.

I remember going to a bumps & babies group - advertised as a place for pregnant/new mums to go specifically to meet others.

So off I waddled (very pregnant). I was given a cup of tea & wandered over to join a large group in a circle. They looked at me & then closed the circle leaving me outside.

Now my first thought was WTF? Followed by 'sod 'em'. I wouldn't have minded had it not been advertised as somewhere to meet people.

Anyway I muttered my way out of there - but he would you have felt in that situation. I didn't think it was me (hadn't opened my mouth, was clean, had showered) but you sound as of you might blame yourself for that sort of incident.

I feel exactly the same, I'm convinced I have a face people instantly dislike. But a pp is right, I had a bad time at home and in school with bullying and put downs so my self esteem is non existent and I view the whole as a hostile place and am aware of how people could attack me, verbally - I'm carrying their words and judgements with me, I'm hyper vigilant. People being nice and friendly is a welcome surprise. I can be very friendly, chatty and outgoing in the right company which came as a shock the other day - I was working when normally I'm a SAHM who finds other parents very difficult to connect with, partly as I'm carrying those judgements (being too young, having a suspected ADHD child etc).

Have you got a bitchy resting face? Again not a criticism.

Regarding the mums at the group, I think you're being a bit unrealistic as to how fast a friendship can grow. You had a nice chat ice- that doesn't necessarily mean they'll want to stop and talk to you in the street. And the fact that they don't want to stop and chat on every occasion doesn't mean that you won't have a nice chat with them again and perhaps grow a friendship gradually.

From what you've said on this thread, OP, it sounds as if you may at this point by so worried about whether people like you that it's putting up a barrier of self-consciousness - do you ever approach social interaction with a new person thinking about whether or not you like them? That is my main thought when I encounter someone new - I have no control over whether they like me, and I'm not that bothered either way, but there's always room in my life for someone new who appeals to me. I'm auditioning them, if you like. (I mean, in a good-humoured way, I don't interrogate them like the flatmates in Shallow Grave ).

But if all you are ever thinking is 'Oh god, does X like me?' or 'She seems nice now, but I bet she'll fade out on me like Y did that time', it makes you seem very self-absorbed, because all you're thinking about is your effect on the other person, even while you feel passive and desperate to be liked. Try flipping it and thinking of whether you like them.

Honestly, the people I have known who seem to be unlikeable are usually those who speak without considering their audience. People who make over-familiar jokes before they know someone well enough to be sure they will be well received; those who take an overtly negative standpoint on something before checking whether the person they are talking to agrees; those who make comments which could be perceived as judgemental of people's lifestyle, choices or beliefs, even if they aren't intended to be.

I am generally fairly easy going, and whilst I wouldn't be friends with someone who was overtly racist or homophobic, I can rub along well enough with most people, but the above qualities can be draining and do make me think someone is 'hard work' even though I probably wouldn't actively ignore them!

Some examples of comments that I know have upset and offended people:

'It's ok, for a state school'
'Wow, your child certainly doesn't like to be told 'no' does she?'
'Bad night? You look really tired.'
'This isn't where I'd choose to live, but my husband had to move for work.'

None of these comments are awful in themselves, but they add up to someone who gives the impression of judging you or your choices and finding you wanting. I've met a few people like this, and whilst I try to give them the benefit of the doubt, I can see why some people don't.

It's one of the reasons that small talk is so important - it allows you to feel out the person you are talking to, starting small with finding things you have in common before you say something that could upset someone. I'm not saying that any of this describes you, just that whenever I have met people who have rubbed a lot of others up the wrong way these are the things they seem to have in common.

I hope you find some friends soon - it's always nice to have people to talk to and if you are worried that you are giving off some kind of vibe, you can never go wrong if you complement their kids! Nobody can resist talking to someone who has just said how adorable their baby is after all!

Thanks for all the replies.

Lots of people have mentioned smiling, so thought I'd answer that. I don't actually smile much (SpinyCrevice could this be considered bitchy resting face?) but it's because I hate my teeth (crooked because dentist didn't refer me for braces until too late) so tend to smile with my mouth shut. The same goes for talking, I talk with my mouth quite closed as not to show my teeth. Could this be considered as rude or why people think I'm aloof?

A few people have also mentioned about whether I show my feelings on my face - yes I've been told I do this and it's something I've really worked on hiding, however maybe I still do it without realising.

If people don't give you the benefit of the doubt, that's their problem. To take some of DoJo's examples:

If you say someone looks tired, I think it's an acknowledgement that they're busy and hardworking and you're sympathising with them. But some people are offended because they can't imagine you mean anything except "you look terrible", even though that isn't what you said at all.

If someone says "This isn't where I'd choose to live", it doesn't mean they are insulting where you live, it just means it doesn't suit them personally, so there's no reason for anyone to get offended. But someone who likes to get on their high horse will assume they're criticising and looking down on the place.

In general, positive, friendly people will assume the best meaning of what you said, and negative, unkind people will assume the worst.

Baby groups are weird weird weird socially. Don't take anything personally. I only go in times of desperate boredom as they often make me confused and upset by their strange dynamic.

My life has been punctuated by people regularly telling me they didn't like me until they got to know me. I've just got used to it really! It means I'm all complicated and interesting

Don't think twice about the baby groups. New mums are 50% insane - I've avoided people I liked because I felt like shit and just COULD NOT talk at that particular time.

Start focusing on you and people maybe won't feel pressurised

I think you should stop worrying about your teeth OP. A smile with your mouth closed can appear less sincere than a toothy grin, whether or not you have straight/crooked teeth! If you're thinking about your teeth and trying to keep your mouth closed, you're probably not focusing as much on the other person, and they might pick up on that.

So much of this thread could have been written about me and I definitely don't give off needy vibes.

Any unwanted unsought "observations" tend to be along the lines of "snotty", "aloof" "supercilious", "terrifying" "cold", "offputting", "underwhelming", "not a team player", "not a people pleaser", "Oh, you're nicer than I thought you were!", etc, etc.

My line manager at my first part time student job told me at my first review that I was a "cold, underwhelming person and all the boys on my team were terrified" of me. I didn't mind the last bit. I thought that was quite good.

I think it might be a body language thing - you are thinking about what your face is doing so much that you probably don't seem sincere. Even thinking about your teeth instead of just letting a smile happen will have the person you are talking to thinking that you don't like them.

Get your teeth fixed - honestly!

I had a brief period where I refused to admit I needed glasses and people didn't seem to like me, I frowned at them and didn't acknowledge them in the street. The change was really noticeable from something so small - we underestimate out mannerisms.

Maybe your self consciousness about your teeth is inhibiting you and people pick up on that and then feel uncomfortable because you're uncomfortable? Not smiling much could make you seem a bit cool and aloof. A random google brings up this, which includes the line, "many studies have revealed that if people are not smiled at during first meetings, they perceive the non-smilers as hostile."

However, I also agree with the poster who said you are stringing lots of unrelated incidents together to make a narrative. CBT would be very helpful to you, I think. I found its focus on identifying negative patterns of thinking very useful and am now able to identify when I'm falling into catastrophic or black-and-white thinking.

Also, I think we are all very vulnerable in those early months after having a baby: hormones all over the place, sleep deprived, cut off from social contact at work. It's easy to slide into feeling despondent.

cold, underwhelming person and all the boys on my team were terrified of me

I bet if you'd been a man they would have said you were a calm, confident person and a good leader...

op i am like you

i just have a face that people seem to take a dislike to, have had it literally since i was about 5

i just don't give a fuck anymore as i do have friends and family and i know myself that i am a decent good person, i really do think there is something about the way i look

Was just thinking that...tinofbicuits!

Biscuits!

I know a mum who is pleasant and desperate for friends but she just comes across as a bit odd.

She can be thoughtless in what she says and so inadvertently offends people (as shown above). She also mumbles so any conversation is such hard work!

Try and speak clearer and not so closed lipped.

One thing to add which has not been mentioned is give up on wanting everyone to like you, seriously! You'll forever fail in your eyes otherwise. There can be good reasons for people disliking one another as posters above has said, but sometimes it really can be on sight, for no reason- you remind them of a hated ex-colleague, your laugh is like that of a feared older sister, you inadvertently threaten them because you're self aware/have a child/are educated/are pretty/tall/short/are happy with your dh and they're miserable with theirs etc etc?! Who knows?!

I think it's normal to come across people who don't like you, but if you are low on confidence or self esteem then it's easy to take it very personally, dwell on it let it knock your confidence.

I am generally well liked (I think!), but every so often I will come across someone who really seems to hate me from the second they meet me. This used to upset me a lot but over the years I've looked at it from the angle that everyone meets people that don't like them, but the key is to ignore that person, and simply move onto the next person. Don't let the ignorant nasty attitudes of some ruin future potential friendships by putting you off talking and getting to know others.