to tell DH I have changed my mind?

[DimlowChips]

I have never been a maternal person, in fact, it has been a running joke that DH and I would never have children. A few years ago however, something happened and I became obsessed with becoming pregnant. We were blessed with a gorgeous little boy after 12 months of trying.

I had agreed with DH that I would only take 6 months mat leave as I love my work and he hates his. This way we would live on my earnings (salary plus dividends from my business) and he would raise DC as a SAHD. This has always been the plan: I go back to work and he quits his job.

The problem is I don't think I can go back when my mat leave ends.... Every time I think about leaving this little guy I actually cry real tears of sadness. Do I actually ask DH to keep doing a job he despises so I can stay home with our son after promising him he could quit?

There is no way he would be able to find another job that would cover our outgoings as he is well paid for doing what he does.... I am so torn!

A SAHP is only a good idea if both parents are OK with it. If that changes, before the arrangement starts or after months or even years, then arrangements need to be reconsidered IMO.

It's not a given that OP will be happy once back at work. I found my first few years back after DC1 and even more so DC2 bloody awful, still dislike most aspects of my job and would prefer to SaH in many ways. But finances, DH's views (he doesn't want to be sole WoH parent any more than I would), my wish for a pension, to retain my economic independence etc don't make this sensible.

OP has since been back and updated but from her OP she was unable to leave her son but felt bad for her husband, no compromise was possible. My post reflected that not her update which came afterwards.

I don't need 'help', Twinklestein, go and be goady somewhere else.

Dimlow, sorry for the derailing on your thread. The post below came in after mine and I thought it was really interesting. Is this something that you could look into perhaps?

flashheartscanoe Mon 01-Feb-16 19:39:23
It's much more tax efficient to both be part time as you use both tax free allowances. His employer cannot say no to a part time request without a good reason.
My DH and I did this when they were small, it worked really well.

Why don't you split the maternity leave between you and your DH without either of you quitting
www.gov.uk/shared-parental-leave-and-pay/overview

That way you both have a break from work and a chance to be the SAHP. You can then decide on the best way forward based on your actual experiences. It might be that DH remains the SAHP and does quit his job, you quit and he goes back or you both work part-time.

The update is irrelevant Witch, do stop going on about it.

OP, it's perfectly ok to change your mind about being a SAHP, many women do. Nothing you said prior to giving birth is binding. I completely agree with all that the TheVeryThing said.

OP, I've given this some further thought, and even if in the immediate future you were happy to return to work full-time with your DH assuming the role of SAHD, I would still be a bit concerned at the apparent lack of any plan on the part of your DH to return to the world of paid work at any point. Obviously, if you were happy to support your DH financially for the rest of his life, that would not be a problem, but would you really be happy to continue in the role of sole family breadwinner with your husband simply gaining more and more leisure time as your DS becomes more independent with age? I know that when your child is a baby it is hard to imagine a time when he won't be a baby anymore, but that day will come around quicker than you think, and my gut reaction is that it is not a good idea for your DH to stop working outside the home completely without any sort of game plan about how or when he will resume paid work.

Hi all, I have just caught up with your replies.

To update you and hopefully answer a few questions: DH and I have a plan in place for the future and him going back to work in a lower paid job once DS is at school. There is no intention on his part to be a kept man, and he would not be happy out of employment anyway.

I do think looking at us both going part time is the way forward, and we have discussed this. His response was very honest, and he had already suspected how I felt and says he wants to support me as much as possible. Hopefully finances will allow us to reach a compromise where we are both happy.

Thank you for giving me the nudge I needed!

That's a really positive update, Dimlow, looks like you've found the best solution between you and it should have a happy ending for you both. I hope your husband feels a bit better knowing that there's light at the end of the tunnel; it's miserable being in a job you hate. Best wishes.

Could you both go part time?

What a great update!

Good luck in finding a good resolution.

great update, hope it works out for you both

Glad to hear such a positive update.