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AIBU?

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Original poster

to tell DH I have changed my mind?

87 replies

DimlowChips · 01/02/2016 18:27

I have never been a maternal person, in fact, it has been a running joke that DH and I would never have children. A few years ago however, something happened and I became obsessed with becoming pregnant. We were blessed with a gorgeous little boy after 12 months of trying.

I had agreed with DH that I would only take 6 months mat leave as I love my work and he hates his. This way we would live on my earnings (salary plus dividends from my business) and he would raise DC as a SAHD. This has always been the plan: I go back to work and he quits his job.

The problem is I don't think I can go back when my mat leave ends.... Every time I think about leaving this little guy I actually cry real tears of sadness. Do I actually ask DH to keep doing a job he despises so I can stay home with our son after promising him he could quit?

There is no way he would be able to find another job that would cover our outgoings as he is well paid for doing what he does.... I am so torn!

OP posts:
ProfGrammaticus · 01/02/2016 20:48

You'll sort something out. It's hard to imagine being a working parent before you do it. But it's fine once you start. You might be able to compromise.

If you do work FT make sure you don't end up doing all the bloody wifework and housework as well as the paid work. He can cook and Hoover as well as look after the baby and book appointments.

JizzyStradlin · 01/02/2016 20:56

You both made the initial plan from a position of total ignorance. I don't mean that to sound rude, but neither of you had a clue about the realities of parenthood because you can't before the child is born. With that in mind, some flexibility is a good idea. You're going to have to talk about it. Personally I don't think either parent has the right to insist the other entirely funds them to SAH. Different when it's a mutual decision, but in this case it clearly wouldn't be since it seems neither of you would be up for being sole breadwinner.

Also however you do things, it would seem sensible to maximise the period of paid parental leave available to you as a couple. Unless you started ML very early, I presume there's some SMP left. One of you should take it.

Duckdeamon · 01/02/2016 21:04

You are not "pulling the rug from under him". Totally disagree with posters saying you should go through with a plan agreed before you became parents that doesn't now seem OK for you. Would say the same if the plan was for OP to SaH and her H had changed his mind.

Another factor is that OP has the option to return to her job after maternity leave: if her H quits and they later change the plan it could be harder for him to return.

could you return to work and he take a few months parental leave?

DH disliking his job is just one factor to be considered.

HanYOLO · 01/02/2016 21:11

What rug?

You have every right to want to discuss a different plan.

anyquestions1 · 01/02/2016 21:12

I was just mentally composing a post to give my view, then read JizzyStradlin's first paragraph and thought, "Yep, that sums it up!" I think that those posters who seem to think you should treat a pre-baby agreement with your husband as if it were a legally binding business contract are being very harsh and unrealistic. Equally, I agree that it's not fair to insist that your husband stays full-time for the foreseeable future in a job he hates in order that you can be a SAHM. I think your husband should investigate the possibility of working part-time, even if that means some paid childcare that you didn't foresee originally. You say that your husband is well paid for what he does, so presumably he must be a skilled worker who is valued by his employer. That puts him in a good position to negotiate part-time hours, even if the employer would ideally prefer him to be full-time.

Iceyard · 01/02/2016 21:15

I think you should sit down and be honest with your husband, I'm sure you could come to an agreement that could suit both.

Shutthatdoor · 01/02/2016 21:16

Would say the same if the plan was for OP to SaH and her H had changed his mind.

Actually I would.

It is always assumed that DH/DP are always happy for DW/DP to be a SAHM. It isn't always the case.

HumptyDumptyHadaHardTime · 01/02/2016 21:24

How about your bf actually helps with his DC then think about having another?

HumptyDumptyHadaHardTime · 01/02/2016 21:25

Ops sorry wrong thread Blush

Twinklestein · 01/02/2016 21:33

The posters who say you can't change your mind are completely round the twist.

Of course you can. It's impossible to know before you're pregnant, before you've given birth and bonded with your baby how you will feel.

You don't have to leave him. Nor does your DH have to keep a job he doesn't
like. Either he looks around for a job he prefers or you both go PT and share the care equally.

Fwiw my sister always intended to go back to her highly lucrative career in investment banking shortly after giving birth. When there she got there, she found she couldn't leave her son, and 3 children later she's still a SAHM.

HeddaGarbled · 01/02/2016 21:34

Most mum's returning to work after ML find it a real wrench initially but it does get easier after a few weeks, particularly if you are confident about the good quality of care at home.

DontCareHowIWantItNow · 01/02/2016 21:36

The posters who say you can't change your mind are completely round the twist.

Just because posters may have a different view to you it doesn't mean they are 'round the twist'.

Twinklestein · 01/02/2016 21:43

No, this is not simply a question of a difference of opinion. It's actually really bad advice to tell someone that they can't change their mind over something of such fundamental significance as having a baby. A life-changing experience that you simply cannot predict your reaction to in advance.

Many, many women change their life plans after having kids.

To tell the OP she can't reneg on a deal she made prior to childbirth is simply unintelligent.

Blondeshavemorefun · 01/02/2016 21:57

talk to him

he may not want to be a sahd now, if he does then you both look for new jobs and both try/go part time

why does he hate his job? a bad boss? can he move companies but do the same thing, or does he hate his career?

in the end its compromise as with everything in a relationship

Xmasbaby11 · 01/02/2016 22:05

See what Dh says. As others have said it is hard to imagine leaving your baby but many women enjoy working again when maternity leave ends. I didn't want my year off to end but was happy once I'd adjusted. Plus you would know your baby is in good hands!

skankingpiglet · 01/02/2016 22:07

A little off from your original subject, but you said when you go back to work your DH would quit to be a SAHD. Just in case it wasn't the abridged version, he should take parental leave and then quit when it's due up as he'll continue to accrue holidays whilst he's off and would have these paid up when he goes. If this was our plan all along, then ignore me Smile I took the full year of mat leave before quitting, and the 42days of holiday I accrued was very handy!

Back on topic, I agree you need to talk to him and both going part time would be a good option if it is financially viable. Or how about him taking the parental leave and you going back full time initially to see how you get on, with the knowledge you could still go both part time if it really isn't for you anymore? (still talk to him though) You may not find it so bad once you are back and into your new routine, as PPs have said.

TheVeryThing · 01/02/2016 22:20

I don't think that escaping a job you hate is the ideal basis for becoming a SAHP (and it certainly doesn't trump not wanting to be apart from your child).
The decision for one parent to give up work completely must be a joint one, and should be revisited if either parent is unhappy.
It sounds like the two of you working part time might be a good solution.
You are not responsible for solving your husband's unhappiness in his job and I'm really surprised at those who think that all the sacrifice should be on your part.

ClarenceTheLion · 02/02/2016 00:20

I don't think that escaping a job you hate is the ideal basis for becoming a SAHP (and it certainly doesn't trump not wanting to be apart from your child).

I agree. There are people upthread imploring the OP to not break her partner's heart and other emotive comments. All we know about him from this thread is that he hates his job. Would he be keen to be the SAHP if he had a job he enjoyed? Perhaps, but it is definitely one to talk through.

Katenka · 02/02/2016 07:24

I don't think you have to stick with the agreement. If there is a compromise that will work you need to go with that.

Can you both go part time and still cover bills.

It would be unfair to say that you have changed your mind and he can't be a sahd because you say so.

Being a sahp isn't to woman's decision. It's a family decision.

Doesn't sound like you would do that.

I do think it may be like pulling the rug from under him, the same as if you were planning on being a sahp and he said he didn't want that.

But you say he is a good man so I am sure you can discuss this

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/02/2016 09:31

Twinklestein... I don't think anybody said that OP should blithely accept the situation but that they should talk. That is not unintelligent; unlike your assertion that posters are 'round the twist' for their views, which you have clearly misinterpreted. There's just no need for posting like that.

Twinklestein · 02/02/2016 10:30

AutumnLeaves, TheCarpenter, GabiSolis...

And this from you:

There was a plan in place that has always been in place and, due to your sadness at leaving your son, you now want to renege. It's not on. Your husband will be having the rug pulled out from under him... I think that the only decent thing is to stick to what you agreed to do.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/02/2016 11:43

Nice selection, what about the rest of my post? Or does it not support your argument that it's fine to be insulting? Hmm

Want2bSupermum · 02/02/2016 11:59

Proper little bun fight this has turned into!

My experience of parenting is that all the planning in the world sometimes doesn't count for anything and as a parent you have a responsibility to be open to change. Just because you agreed on something doesn't mean that is set in stone. As parents we often make decisions with little information. To make the right decisions it often means making lots of mistakes along the way to find the right answer.

OP - In my humble experience, having a baby changes everything because it's no longer just about you or your DH. It's a tough transition and I have found the easiest way for my marriage to make it through has been to communicate with my DH plus listen to each other.

SweetSuz · 02/02/2016 12:05

Dimlow I only took 7 months mat leave as we hadn't saved for me not working. Id say majority of mums on mat leave start dreading returning to work and wandering how they could ever do it/not be with their DC. Closer it gets harder it is, as is the first day/week.
But I promise it gets easier/enjoyable after that and most working mums love the balance.
Id still definitely raise it with your DH as you need to both be fully sure, but just bear in mind your feelings are completely normal and most of us experience feeling like this.

Twinklestein · 02/02/2016 12:56

I only cut it because it was long Witch.

Quoting in full won't help you, the pertinent bits are there.

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