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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell DH I have changed my mind?

87 replies

DimlowChips · 01/02/2016 18:27

I have never been a maternal person, in fact, it has been a running joke that DH and I would never have children. A few years ago however, something happened and I became obsessed with becoming pregnant. We were blessed with a gorgeous little boy after 12 months of trying.

I had agreed with DH that I would only take 6 months mat leave as I love my work and he hates his. This way we would live on my earnings (salary plus dividends from my business) and he would raise DC as a SAHD. This has always been the plan: I go back to work and he quits his job.

The problem is I don't think I can go back when my mat leave ends.... Every time I think about leaving this little guy I actually cry real tears of sadness. Do I actually ask DH to keep doing a job he despises so I can stay home with our son after promising him he could quit?

There is no way he would be able to find another job that would cover our outgoings as he is well paid for doing what he does.... I am so torn!

OP posts:
Duckdeamon · 01/02/2016 19:31

If he stops work, what would be the long-term plan?

Plenty of parents dislike their job, but there are options other than SaH.

Sunflower1985 · 01/02/2016 19:31

Are you feeling anxious about it, OP?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 01/02/2016 19:31

You say in your OP that you're 'torn' but you can't be, not really. There was a plan in place that has always been in place and, due to your sadness at leaving your son, you now want to renege. It's not on. Your husband will be having the rug pulled out from under him, having looked forward to becoming a SAHP, you now want the role. You haven't suggested part time even. You just want that role for yourself now.

I think you need to look at your situation again with your husband, to see if there is another way through this that is more palatable for you but, for now, I think that the only decent thing is to stick to what you agreed to do.

Allisgood1 · 01/02/2016 19:36

Can you go back part time and he works part time? Me and DH do this and I stay at home 2 days a week and he stays at home 3 although this changes when we immigrate to Canada and I become the sole bread winner.

flashheartscanoe · 01/02/2016 19:39

It's much more tax efficient to both be part time as you use both tax free allowances. His employer cannot say no to a part time request without a good reason.
My DH and I did this when they were small, it worked really well.

Shutthatdoor · 01/02/2016 19:40

Would you be content for him to have more custody of the DC and possibly pay spousal as well as child maintenance should he be a SAHD and you break up in future?

Tbf would he be happy with it the other way around either?

OP I think it would be unfair to change plans now.

Want2bSupermum · 01/02/2016 19:43

You and your DH are a team and you need to talk to him. There have been plenty of times when DH and I have made plans and once we have arrived at the point of executing those plans we talk and revise them. Parenting decisions are the ones that are always fluid and not something that can be cast in stone.

I would think about taking the full year off and look at returning to work. If your DH doesn't like his job he should be taking steps to rectify by either retraining or applying for new positions. Right now you look at your baby and go all gooey because it is lovely when they babies. It does not last. I think a SAHM with toddlers have the hardest job in the world.

NorthernRosie · 01/02/2016 19:44

You just need to discuss this. The final decision isn't yours anymore than it's his - the baby is both of yours equally and you both have the right to say in the childcare arrangements. You have no more right to stay home than him.

RTHJ14 · 01/02/2016 19:46

You've got to talk to him! I wouldn't phrase it as saying you have changed your mind, but maybe that you need to explore the options together - whilst a part of me agrees with those saying you can't expect him to do a job he hates which would be awful for him, you having to leave your baby would potentially be awful for you too, one doesn't trump the other...

Re the mind changing.....surely plans made before a baby comes are likely to evolve, if not change, as no one truly knows how they will feel, physically or emotionally once that child is in their lives.

FWIW we both work part time, in professional jobs (use nursery too) and it works for us. It has meant a lifestyle compromise, but it's worth it for these short years, and dh will go back full time once both at school in a few years.

truly hope you find a solution that works out for you both.

MrsJorahMormont · 01/02/2016 19:52

I think the obvious things to do are for your DH to spend some time finding a job he likes and both of you go part time. I have friends who do this and it works well.

HanYOLO · 01/02/2016 19:53

I think 6 months maternity is not a lot, and if you could stay off another 3 or 4 months you might find you were more ready to return

For our family, both working p/t (3 days each, we used a nursery too) worked best when the kids were tiny. We both got time with the DC and time to work. I think this also spreads long term financial risk much better than either person giving up work entirely.

I don't think unfair comes into it. Things change massively when you have a child. You need to talk and to find a financially workable compromise. And if DH hates his job so much he needs to retrain and find another one.

HanYOLO · 01/02/2016 19:55

massive x post with RTH

10 month old babies are adorable but looking after them is a PITA, until they walk completely unassisted and with a bit more understanding of the world. It's the ideal time to return to work.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 01/02/2016 19:56

I think you have every right to change your mind, no one can foresee how they will feel about being at home with their baby.

I was always planning to go back full time when I had DS1 because things were quite tight financially. When it came down to it I just couldn't do it. DH stepped up and worked his socks off to get a better job. No way would he have made me leave my baby against my will.

Your DH needs to work with you to find some sort of compromise.

SolsburyHell · 01/02/2016 20:03

I've had 2 periods of maternity leave. In both cases at 6 months, I was desperate not to go back and in both cases by 10 months I was desperate to go back. It won't be as bad as you think, you will probably enjoy it.

However, if you really feel that the current arrangement is unworkable then you need to talk to your Dh and come up with other options like those suggested above.

Original poster
DimlowChips · 01/02/2016 20:05

Thank you, thank you and again thank you all. This is the slap I needed.

I will speak to DH and look at our finances to see what options we have. It's hard to thick straight at the moment and you have given me perspective.

There is no way I can just pull the rug from under his feet like this. He is too good a man to deserve that.

OP posts:
NorthernRosie · 01/02/2016 20:06

tinklylittlelaugh it's not your baby anymore than it's his baby though is it! You have to agree together - it's not up to the man to 'step up' and work harder anymore than it's up to up to you to

Muskateersmummy · 01/02/2016 20:10

I think firstly, going back to work won't be as bad as you think. But I also don't think that a plan you made before the baby came has to be set in stone, people emotions and perspectives change.

I think you need to sit down with dh and discuss how you feel, listen to how he feels and together come up with a plan that you are both happy with or are willing to accept.

Marriage and parenthood is about communication and compromise. Talk to him. Xxx

Redlocks28 · 01/02/2016 20:10

No way would he have made me leave my baby against my will.

but equally, the OP's DH might say, 'no way would she make me stay in a job I hate against my will'

Nottodaythankyouorever · 01/02/2016 20:10

I agree with NorthernRosie

Vaginaaa · 01/02/2016 20:14

You didn't know you'd change your mind after having the baby so your dh would be just as unfair to hold you to what you said previously as people are saying you would be to change the plan.

Something where you both get time at home and time at work might work best.

DinosaursRoar · 01/02/2016 20:16

Both reducing yoru hours/going part time might be an option - remember, if your baby is only a few months old, they are still in the 'high need' stage and it's rather unthinkable letting someone else take over the care, however by a year they will be crawling, possibly walking (or even running in DC2's case!), eating real food (not just milk), possibly saying a few words.

It's a lot easier to leave a 12 month old than a 4 month old.

Talk to your DH, it might be both going part time for a year and then reassessing might be the best way forward once you've done it and have a better idea of your feelings about work/being at home.

3WiseWomen · 01/02/2016 20:16

And equally the OP's DH could also easily say 'there is no way you are ging to make me leave my ababy against my will' too.

He is the dc's aprent too. Why should it be easier for him???

expatinscotland · 01/02/2016 20:24

Talk to him.

ClarenceTheLion · 01/02/2016 20:43

Definitely get your feelings out in the open OP. You made your agreement before having the baby. You don't know what's going on in his head just as he doesn't know what's going on in yours.

I'd preface the chat by assuring him that you have no intention of breaking the agreement, but you want to discuss your feelings, and find out how he's feeling. But honestly, though it's a shock to leave your child at home without you for the first week or so, if you love your job I think it would be such a shame for you to give it up.

Though I don't quite see how some people are putting you both in the exact same position. Of course this will be harder on you to start with. You are the one who has been home with the baby since he was born. That's why you need to let your partner know what you're thinking.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 01/02/2016 20:48

Maybe he's had a change of heart too.

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