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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU teaching my 11yo a lesson?

90 replies

Nicki1111 · 01/02/2016 17:20

I just came back from a two week holiday to Australia with my two sons, 6 & 11. We had a great time, but my eldest was "picking on" his brother about the fact that he cant swim (we've already booked him lessons) during the final week of the holiday.

As my youngest can't swim, he wears armbands (waterwings) to keep him afloat. But, my eldest kept going on how he could go underwater because he can swim and "doesn't need armbands like a baby". It went on for an hour or so, and my youngest was getting quite upset. But, my eldest wouldn't stop, even with giving him two warnings.

To teach him a life lesson in treating people with respect, including his brother, I bought an extra pair of armbands and didn't allow him near the water without them for the final week of the holiday. My thought in doing this was that he would no longer pick on his brother. And, it worked! No more bickering about the matter for the rest of the holiday. However, my eldest really didn't like the punishment and I fear that I was unreasonable. Was I?

TL/DR: Made my eldest wear armbands to stop him picking on his brother.

OP posts:

AliceScarlett · 03/02/2016 10:20

Your poor child. No wonder he doesn't listen to you, what a bully, you sound really nasty. Did you enjoy punishing him for a week? Did it make you feel good?

CalleighDoodle · 03/02/2016 10:28

But he did listen. He worse armbands for a week. Thats pretty obedient. The difference was the op didnt bother to properly enforce the first two warnings, but seemed to take great pleasure enforcing the armband wearing.

LittleLionMansMummy · 03/02/2016 10:34

I agree Calleigh - an 'I'm not fucking around now ds, so listen to me or you will lose your phone/ ipad [insert name of treasured possession] for the rest of the day' should have sufficed.

LittleLionMansMummy · 03/02/2016 10:35

Except I wouldn't actually swear, of course - I meant more the tone.

Sandbrook · 03/02/2016 10:40

Haven't read other replies but how is bullying to embarrass as a punishment for bullying to embarrass a good parenting decision?
I think you need to redress your parenting of you can't stop your 11 year old doing anything that is perceived as wrong for over an hour

starry0ne · 03/02/2016 10:48

I am not sure what message the younger one got here never mind the older one...

Do you really think the 11 year old now doesn't think they are babyish

Punishing a child for a week on holiday seems well beyond reasonable

TeaT1me · 03/02/2016 10:53

Is this real? Parents aren't that cruel are they.

fusionconfusion · 03/02/2016 10:54

I nodded so strongly at this:

"So many parents crack down really hard on anything but perfect behaviour from eldest to youngest but allow a lifetime of low level bullying from a younger sibling because the older one should be old enough to rise above it (no matter that this continues to be the line when the youngest reaches the age at which the eldest was initially informed of their mature and able to rise above teasing, pestering, having their possessions broken, having their privacy invaded, being deliberately embarrassed in front of their friends, being jumped on and called names etc. status)."

Anything that involves humiliation isn't going to help your boys find a better way in their own relationship, sorry.

It's called the coercive cycle. Your son did something, you upped the ante. Do you know what happens next? Your son will up the ante.. but, given that he won't want the consequence of being humiliated by you who have more power than him, he may be cleverer about hiding his actions in future.

One of the strongest predictors of behavioural difficulties arising in a family is the tendency for parents to ignore or respond weakly to smaller incidences of misbehaviour and then issue nuclear level consequences at random when it's just gone too far. Particularly where this is harsh, punitive or humiliating.

Read thenurtureeffect.com and get some help with this if you can.

mrtwitsglasseye · 03/02/2016 11:01

I wouldn't have. You've just taught him that teasing, humiliating and bullying are fine by doing the same yourself.

I would have told him to stop and if he didn't sent him to get changed and not swim. Then repeated as necessary every time he teased his brother.

AliceScarlett · 03/02/2016 12:26

100% this.

HPsauciness · 03/02/2016 13:11

This is all very odd.

If you have the parental clout to make an 11 year old go swimming in arm bands for a week, why didn't you use that clout to shut him up after 5 min when teasing (send him indoors, not allow him to swim if another remark made that day etc).

Your eldest will definitely remember this holiday, probably not very fondly.

MrsJayy · 03/02/2016 13:55

You humilated your son for teasing his brother thats not how you teach empathy but hey ho lesson learned eh

MrsJayy · 03/02/2016 13:59

I cant decide if you are taking the piss or not did you really think this was your finest parenting moment most parents would have punted the offender out of the pool for being mean

Micah · 03/02/2016 14:04

A 6 year old with armbands? They either should be in depth or with an adult close by. Theres no need for a 6 year old to wear armbands, even if theyre a non swimmer. Where were you?

saoirse31 · 03/02/2016 14:12

So u think its OK to humiliate ur son? Your poor children

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