AIBU teaching my 11yo a lesson?

[Nicki1111]

I just came back from a two week holiday to Australia with my two sons, 6 & 11. We had a great time, but my eldest was "picking on" his brother about the fact that he cant swim (we've already booked him lessons) during the final week of the holiday.

As my youngest can't swim, he wears armbands (waterwings) to keep him afloat. But, my eldest kept going on how he could go underwater because he can swim and "doesn't need armbands like a baby". It went on for an hour or so, and my youngest was getting quite upset. But, my eldest wouldn't stop, even with giving him two warnings.

To teach him a life lesson in treating people with respect, including his brother, I bought an extra pair of armbands and didn't allow him near the water without them for the final week of the holiday. My thought in doing this was that he would no longer pick on his brother. And, it worked! No more bickering about the matter for the rest of the holiday. However, my eldest really didn't like the punishment and I fear that I was unreasonable. Was I?

TL/DR: Made my eldest wear armbands to stop him picking on his brother.

[mathanxiety]

I agree with BillMurrey - two weeks could have been used very usefully and the older boy could have been allowed to use his advantage in a positive way.

I also think letting teasing go on for an hour is strange. Should have been nipped in the bud the first time anything was said.

Incidentally, sometimes an older child will say something that sounds like bragging (like 'I can go underwater') or belittling but your DS may have intended to make learning to swim look really exciting to his younger brother. I didn't hear the tone of voice he used and you know better than I do how he intended it, however.

[ICJump]

I think it was mean. I think you bullied your child to show him not to bully.

You could have encouraged your 11 year old to help his brother feel safe in the water. Practice bubbles, face in water, pulling through water. That's respect. That's teaching a big brother to help teach a little brother.

[Wardy1993]

OP you're getting a lot of shit for this but personally i don't think you were BU. It's easy to say he was humiliated, but maybe next time he thinks about being nasty to his brother he will remember this incident and think twice... YANBU.

[Damselindestress]

Picking on a child to teach him not to pick on someone else just shows him that you can get away with picking on someone younger if you are big and strong enough, probably not the lesson you were going for. I don't understand why you didn't just nip the teasing in the bud before it went on for an hour by separating them if possible or if not threatening a consequence if he carried on and following through. Something like not getting an icecream or not going swimming that day. Punishing him for a week seems excessive and probably spoiled the holiday for him a bit. It seems like you were embarrassed at your initial lack of action and took it out on him.

[BastardGoDarkly]

This op is not coming back BTW.

[TheVeganVagina]

You sound like fun om holiday
You sound like a bully.
Was your dp ok with how your treated your ds?
You showed your ds zero respect.
You as the dm should have stopped the behaviour within minutes.

[mumeeee]

YABU as other posters have said you humiliated your 11 year old. To make him wear armbands for the whole week waa over the top. That in my mind doesn't make him respect his brother. I might have told him I would buy him armbands if he carried on. However I would have probably just stopped him swimming for the rest of the day.

[CantWaitForWarmWeather]

You should have banned him from the pool for the rest of the day. If he bullied his brother again the next day he gets banned again until he learns that he can't bully his little brother and expect to not have punishments just because he's on holiday.

[CantWaitForWarmWeather]

Does he bully his little brother at home? If so how do you handle that?

[shutupandshop]

You taught him about humiliation

[Stillunexpected]

This is so made up. Has no-one picked up on the fact that the OP has kept the armbands for use on their boat in case all the lifejackets are in use?! 0/10

[Canshopwillshop]

YABU - completely over the top and inappropriate reaction. I think also unreasonable that a 6 year old has not had any swimming lessons yet, especially as you own a boat!

[Wantagoodname]

This can't be right.. How did you manage to get 2 weeks off of school?
And why would you go to Australia and not go to the beach?

[CantWaitForWarmWeather]

I think also unreasonable that a 6 year old has not had any swimming lessons yet

Hey hey, don't pull those judgy pants up too high. There will be a lot of 6 year olds who haven't had swimming lessons yet and it's not just through crap parenting.

[OhShutUpThomas]

Wonder how long until this is deleted 'to protect OPs privacy'?

[alltouchedout]

I think you were unreasonable. This is like one of those awful Facebook memes where some smug arsehole parent has humiliated their child instead of actually parenting effectively and now wants to be applauded for it.

[Canshopwillshop]

Can'twait - don't just cherry pick from what I said - the main reason for me saying it was unreasonable that their 6 year old hasn't had any swimming lessons is because they have a boat!!

[CantWaitForWarmWeather]

No, you said especially because they own a boat. Which to me implies that you meant anyone who hasn't let their child have swimming lessons by age 6, but the op is just worse because she has a boat.

[mathanxiety]

Making him wear armbands shows him that yes, armbands really are stupid...

[theycallmemellojello]

No, sorry, I think punishments like this are completely out of line. It IS public humiliation (even if only in front of other family members). It also sends out completely the wrong impression about armbands. As a parent you need to make sure that you use your authority in a way that is measured and not bullying. You messed up this time.

[Katenka]

I think Yabu.

Because you gave him two warnings....then what? It sould have been nipped in the bud.

The punishment lasted far longer than 'crime'. Half the holiday was way over the top.

I don't like punishments that humiliate. They don't teach kids empathy. It's bullying, which is what he was doing. So you are showing him it's ok for some people to do it but not others.

[Fratelli]

So you allowed him to tease his brother for an hour? Then followed it up with humiliating him for a week? Parent of the year

[Janeymoo50]

Blimey the reactions on here are so ott. A week was too long I agree, a day yes, or if he did it again. What's with the bitchfest/ganging up on the op, it's like a gang of schoolyard bullies - horrid.

[LittleLionMansMummy]

This doesn't sit well with me, op and I think it shows an inability to get your 11 year old to listen to you and be respectful in the usual way. I don't like the aspect of humiliation involved or the length of the punishment. I'd have had stern words and taken away a privilege instead, perhaps encouraged him to use his strength to help teach his brother to swim instead. Siblings do this to each other, it's normal and parents really overreact in the way you have which then encourages resentment from older child to youngest for being the 'favoured' one. Absolutely right to crack down on his behaviour, but there are far more constructive ways you could have dealt with it.

[BlondeOnATreadmill]

I think it's a worry that he doesn't do as he's told. You told him to stop picking on his brother. He ignored you. Why is that? Huge problem, imo.