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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU teaching my 11yo a lesson?

90 replies

Nicki1111 · 01/02/2016 17:20

I just came back from a two week holiday to Australia with my two sons, 6 & 11. We had a great time, but my eldest was "picking on" his brother about the fact that he cant swim (we've already booked him lessons) during the final week of the holiday.

As my youngest can't swim, he wears armbands (waterwings) to keep him afloat. But, my eldest kept going on how he could go underwater because he can swim and "doesn't need armbands like a baby". It went on for an hour or so, and my youngest was getting quite upset. But, my eldest wouldn't stop, even with giving him two warnings.

To teach him a life lesson in treating people with respect, including his brother, I bought an extra pair of armbands and didn't allow him near the water without them for the final week of the holiday. My thought in doing this was that he would no longer pick on his brother. And, it worked! No more bickering about the matter for the rest of the holiday. However, my eldest really didn't like the punishment and I fear that I was unreasonable. Was I?

TL/DR: Made my eldest wear armbands to stop him picking on his brother.

OP posts:
BastardGoDarkly · 01/02/2016 19:35

Oh dear op, I think you dropped a real bollock here tbh :(

NerrSnerr · 01/02/2016 19:36

I agree with the others. How was the bullying allowed to go on for an hour? I don't think it's fair to punish bullying with bullying yourself.

paxillin · 01/02/2016 19:38

Let's just hope he didn't learn that the biggest gets to bully the smaller ones. He tried (and, for an hour, succeeded) shaming his little brother, calling him a baby. Then a bigger one (you) came and humiliated him for a week to show him how it's done properly.

caitlinohara · 01/02/2016 19:46

YABU. You might think you have 'won', but now your ds is simmering with resentment and he won't forgive you in a hurry, and neither would I. I think you know that you could and should have found a better way to deal with it.

And Schwab I am Shock at your story, that's disgusting.

Sofiria · 01/02/2016 19:47

A reasonable consequence would have been for eldest to sit out of the pool for a while, and apologise to his brother. Your choice of punishment was humiliating, far too lengthy and reinforced the idea that armbands are babyish and something to laugh at (or you wouldn't have used them as a punishment).

I'm surprised your elder son didn't avoid the pool for the whole week. A holiday is supposed to be a memorable and enjoyable time and while a consequence for teasing his brother was necessary, this is something your eldest won't forget and will associate with memories of that holiday into adulthood.

Please get rid of the armbands and don't threaten him with them again. It won't help him get on better with his younger brother in the long term to treat him like this.

mommy2ash · 01/02/2016 19:51

You taught your eldest it's ok to humiliate someone if you have a point to make. The teasing shouldn't have carried on for an hour that was your failing. I would have not allowed him in the water full stop if he was teasing his brother.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 01/02/2016 19:52

He tried (and, for an hour, succeeded) shaming his little brother, calling him a baby. Then a bigger one (you) came and humiliated him for a week to show him how it's done properly

This, I'm afraid OP.

You absolutely were not BU to punish your DS but a single day would have been more than enough. Humiliating your DS for a whole week was, in my opinion, cruel and disproportionate.

I really feel for your DS actually. There are much kinder and effective ways to teach kids about bullying than this.

MrsJorahMormont · 01/02/2016 19:56

I would have done it for a day, not a week. That way he could have chosen to just stay out of the pool for the day and he wouldn't have kept tormenting his brother.

Marniasmum · 01/02/2016 20:05

So, explain again how humiliating a child teaches him respect

ChineseDragonLady · 01/02/2016 20:08

There is absolutely no way I'd do that to my just turned 12 year old. I'm amazed that you managed to get him to wear them at all, you come across as a bit of a bully TBH and maybe your DS has picked up on that too.

cuntycowfacemonkey · 01/02/2016 20:09

I'm fairly strict but I think you were OTT and only demonstrated that you are the bigger bully. Bullies love to humiliate which is what you did

Fairenuff · 01/02/2016 20:11

Good job you name changed for this one, hey OP? Or are you new to mn?

MariposaVolando · 01/02/2016 20:22

Trip trap...

LordOfMisrule · 01/02/2016 21:14

What a shitty thing to do OP.

Shallishanti · 01/02/2016 21:22

YWBU for all the reasons given here
BUT, I'm another one who would like to know exactly how you forced an 11 yo to wear arm bands

Sangria · 01/02/2016 23:55

OP asked for advice, so stop bullying her.

ohtheholidays · 02/02/2016 00:15

YABU OP,I don't think humiliating someone because they've done it to someone else is a good idea.It's a bit like when parents tell a child of for hitting someone else by hitting them.It's mixed signals.

If something like that happens again then I'd remove the oldest from the activity,so stop him swimming for 10 minutes and warn him that before he goes into the water again(once is 10 minutes is up)that if he taunts his little brother again whilst your all swimming that he'll be out and went get to go in again.

Canyouforgiveher · 02/02/2016 00:25

OP asked for advice, so stop bullying her.

No she didn't. She asked was she unreasonable in the punishment she gave her 11 year old. She didn't ask for advice.

We are disagreeing with her discipline - after she asked us to tell her whether we agreed with it or not.

By the way do you know what bullying is?

soapybox · 02/02/2016 00:30

Well the apple didn't fall far from the tree! It isn't hard to see where your 11 year old got his bullying ways from!

ReginaBlitz · 02/02/2016 00:33

You are actually worse than him for doing that. Brothers and sisters fight its life. You could have gave him a bollocking some other way, that's just wrong.

DropYourSword · 02/02/2016 00:54

Not sure the OP will return, but two things stood out for me. Why let the eldest tease his brother for an hour before stepping in? And holidays are supposed to be nice times with happy memories - I think it was very mean to spoil his holiday like this.

paxillin · 02/02/2016 01:25

Sangria, Wikipedia says Bullying is the use of force, threat, or coercion to abuse, intimidate, or aggressively dominate others. A fairly good definition. Sounds a bit like publicly humiliating a child would qualify. Pointing out this fact does not fit the definition of bullying.

BillMurrey · 02/02/2016 01:28

I think you could have employed your time and energy more positively by teaching your son to swim yourself (quite possible in a 2 week pool holiday with a child of this age). You could have involved your older boy quite easily in this too.

dottycat123 · 02/02/2016 02:32

The teenage years are going to be interesting in your house ! You come across as a calculating bully who persisted in a humiliating punishment for a week to assert control,hardly a lesson in how to fairly resolve normal sibling conflict.

SoThatHappened · 02/02/2016 03:50

Why didnt you just tell him...you are 5 years older than your brother and you couldnt swim well at 6 years old either....and then threaten to not let him do something if he didnt stop.

My aim was not to humiliate my son, but to teach him to respect his brother and other. He only wore the armbands in the private pool and we didn't go to any beahces

Also what an absolute waste to go to Australia in summer and not go to the beach.