Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be pissed off with the cards I've been dealt.

76 replies

FlowersAndShit · 01/02/2016 15:05

I'm just sat here crying, what could've been. I just want some friends, a loving partner and children. I've been a hermit for half of my life (I'm 25) and I just don't seem to fit in anywhere. I'm quiet and odd. I dislike men, have had years of therapy. I have a dysfunctional family and i'm highly likely to be barren.

All of my peers are now settling into good careers or have had children, got married. It's all I want and it hurts like fuck to not have a single friend to talk to or go for coffee with.

I spent all of my teens as a hermit, taking overdoses and wishing I was dead. I've forced myself to try to change things and can now catch the bus into town to go to the anxiety coffee group with other women. I was hoping I could make a good friend but we don't have much in common as the women there are old enough to be my mum. I have text one of them but not heard back.

I feel like my life is some sort of shit joke and I'm constantly faced with obstacles every step of the way. I've realised that even if I get better, I will still be at a disadvantage when applying for things like jobs - as I've never had one and have fuck all to put on my CV. Employers will ask what I've been doing since leaving school at 16 and I won't be able to answer them.

I don't want to try anymore, i'll have to find a way to be content with my life as it is because I just can't deal with all of the disappointment of life.

Life is all about luck and I don't have any

OP posts:
Imustgodowntotheseaagain · 01/02/2016 17:56

Hi flowers, although you sound down you have done really well in joining your coffee group. You haven't said (i don't think) how long you've been going - it can take a while for friendships to form.

Now that you've got one group under your belt, could you try another? Do you have a WI, or a walking group? Anything where you're doing an activity with people, it takes the pressure off when it comes to small talk.

HermioneJeanGranger · 01/02/2016 17:57

I'll PM you, OP.

MTPurse · 01/02/2016 17:59

Flowrers, Have you been on your local MN board to see if there are any meet ups in your area?

FlowersAndShit · 01/02/2016 18:13

MT Yes, but I don't have any children.

OP posts:
Furiosa · 01/02/2016 18:52

Flowers I mean this in the nicest possible way because you sound very depressed but what have been doing every day for 9 years?

Your title says you're pissed off with the cards you have been dealt but it sounds like you've been stacking your own deck.

I know you must feel life is over before it's even begun but you're 25, things could be worse, you could be 35? 45? 55? 65?

You really must look into education/training/apprenticeships there are many opportunities for these in Wales. Your embarrassment at your life so far will be understood but it's your willingness to change (no easy feat) that will impress.

What do you enjoy doing? Even if it's just watching telly, which shows appeal to the most? Do you read? Draw? Crafts? Cooking? Finding out what you want and how to get it can be a very exciting time in your life and no one is ever too old to explore that.

You might say whats the point nothing will ever change, and you might be right. However one day you will be 45 and wondering why the hell you didn't give yourself a chance at 25.

Gobbolino6 · 01/02/2016 18:55

Ooh I can relate to this. I'm now 35 with a husband, 3 children, some friends and an ok job. Don't be so hard on yourself and seek treatment x

FlowersAndShit · 01/02/2016 19:23

Furiosa I did my degree with the OU, graduated last year.

OP posts:
Furiosa · 01/02/2016 19:36

Flowers! Bloody hell you kept that quiet!

Do you realise how respected OU degrees are?! I honestly though you were going to say "I've been watching telly and helping my mum with the shopping"

Your more on your way than you realise. What is your degree in?

FlowersAndShit · 01/02/2016 19:43

I didn't think they were widely respected; I wasn't able to go to a normal uni so did it with them instead.

It's in Criminology and Psychological studies. Not sure what I can do with it though as I have nothing to put on my CV.

OP posts:
CalleighDoodle · 01/02/2016 20:01

flowers youre making excuses to do nothing. You need to work out what you can do. If there is no animal Shelter on a bus route, look what is on the bus route. Look at courses you could do at college. What do you like to do? I bet theres a group available with like minded people.

Furiosa · 01/02/2016 20:01

They are very respected as they show you are able and capable of managing your time, work load and complete a degree off your own back.

You'll need to speak to someone else regarding how to use your agree though as I'm no expert in Criminology and Psychology but it does sound fascinating. Have you looked for jobs as a forensic finger printer? Or any degree level job?

"nothing to put on my CV" ffs sake you've got a degree and references woman!

Furiosa · 01/02/2016 20:02

agree = degree by the way

CalleighDoodle · 01/02/2016 20:03

You have a degree to put on your cv! Can you volunteer with the police in some way? Or look for a job with them?

FlowersAndShit · 01/02/2016 20:15

Furiosa, what references could I put on my CV?

OP posts:
bessiebumptious2 · 01/02/2016 20:16

OP - you can also volunteer with your local Police. I'm not sure what they have you doing but I applied a few years ago. Just as I'd sent the forms off and they'd contact me for taking it further I was offered a job, so I wasn't able to carry it forward. You won't necessarily be pounding the streets - they need all manner of jobs doing in the background.

So - go online and find out if you can volunteer with them. If you've been volunteering for a while and they get to know you, it's possible that when an appropriate position shows itself, you could be in with a good chance.

OutWithTheDogs · 01/02/2016 20:17

It's very impressive to get an OU degree - it shows a massive amount of self discipline. They don't give their degrees away. Smile

How is your diet and your sleep?

bessiebumptious2 · 01/02/2016 20:17

cross-post with calleighdoodle, but given your degree, it's a really good idea!

MazzleDazzle · 01/02/2016 20:17

Many people at 25 haven't had much employment experienc. 25 is still considered very young, especially nowadays. You have a degree. That is a huge achievement!

I definitely agree with other posters that you could volunteer. Try googling 'volunteer' and your area. There's bound to be something. Maybe volunteering would naturally lead to paid employment. Some volunteering and your degree would look impressive on a C.V. A positive attitude and hard graft can turn things around.

When I was in my 20s I found it difficult to make new friends. In fact, I found it impossible. I went through several jobs and a university degree without making a single friend. Like you, I felt like I had nothing in common with the people I met.

I'm in my 30s now and things are definitely easier. I've realised that you can have all different sorts of friends and you needn't look for a life long soul mate type of friend.

I know it's easy for us to say, but 25 is just so young and your life could turn around quickly. Have you considered counselling? I used a private counsellor (sometimes their rates are negotiable) and it was life changing. Also, you could talk to your GP and try medication or herbal remedies if you have depression/anxiety?

SolsburyHell · 01/02/2016 20:19

Ok, so look for careers with police (not necessarily as an officer they have plenty of support staff roles), probation, social services, NHS, prison service. Join walking groups, book clubs, online dating.

You've got to keep going, keep trying. If you have decided that you have no luck and that your life will be crap, it will be a self fulfilling prophecy. You are still at the beginning of your life, be master of your own fate, no excuses.

OutWithTheDogs · 01/02/2016 20:20

HERE is a police website on volunteer jobs in the police. Is there anything there that looks interesting?

bessiebumptious2 · 01/02/2016 20:20

And I'm incredibly impressed that you have spent your time wisely and gained a degree. It's more than a lot of 25 year olds do and that's without the struggles you've had.

Well done.

ClarenceTheLion · 01/02/2016 20:21

As far as the animal shelter goes, email them. Explain you'd like to help but have no transport. It's possible another volunteer might pick you up, or they might do walks that come near your area where you could meet up.

Something I've found very rewarding is fostering for Cats Protection. It doesn't cost anything. You take care of a cat until they find a new home, in fact you help find the home, prospective adopters come to visit. I'm an anxious person, but the focus is on the cat, and on the information I can give them about the cat. Seeing a frightened and bedraggled moggy turn into a loving and trusting animal is very rewarding. And there are monthly meetings, fundraising bazaars, Christmas dinners, etc, so you can meet plenty of other volunteers.

And I'll tell you OP - I'm jealous of you! I'd love to work towards a degree, and the subject sounds fascinating. It's a great thing to have on your CV. You'll always have that. Get some volunteering experience on there too, and it'll look fab!

MillionToOneChances · 01/02/2016 20:22

References from your OU tutor? I emailed mine and got a lovely reference.

I agree with those suggesting voluntary work to get more references.

hefzi · 01/02/2016 20:25

With crim/psych, you can do all sorts of things - probation, youth justice, prison service, police, civilian police employee, civil service, third sector: the sky's your limit! The only thing is, if you want to do more psych-type stuff specifically, you will need to do post-grad study: but you're in a good place to do anything in the criminal justice sector, never mind other jobs that will appeal.

There's loads of options- have a bit of a google, and see what you fancy! You will be a more appealing candidate than you seem to be giving yourself credit for - you've worked really hard to push yourself out of your comfort zone to help tackle your anxiety (by managing to get on the bus and go to your group - form memory, I think you posted a while ago that you struggled to go previously, even with a support worker: don't minimise how far you've come). You've also done a degree - it's actually harder in a lot of ways to do OU, because you need to be far more independent than someone studying full-time conventionally. You've shown you've got commitment, and that you can organise your time.

How about having a look at getting some experience by volunteering with your nearest YOT? (assuming you are interested in YJ) - details here

Or if you're more interested in issues like DV, have a look into your local support groups - the same for refugee/asylum issues: people are often crying out for volunteers - everyone wants to volunteer Christmas Day, but they are short of people all year round.

There's options for working with offenders [[https://www.workwithoffenders.co.uk/ here]

I know you're feeling lousy, and it's hard to work towards a change when you are: but it really doesn't have to be this way for the rest of your life if you don't want it to. Volunteering's a good way to meet new people, get out of the house (even if it's hard at times, it's "easier" than just going to the shops, because you've made a commitment to someone else and won't want to let them down) and get some experience that might help you decide what to do.

Anxiety can be a vicious cycle, I know - the less you do, the less you are able to do: and look at how you far you've already come, going to your group on your own, and even reaching out to someone else. (Fwiw, she might not be ignoring your message - people calling or texting me makes me very anxious - so my mobile has been off since the middle of November!) You can do this - if you want to. I know it's hard to break the cycle of negativity: it took me ages. I started off by challenging every time I said something negative - "I always have bad luck, nothing ever goes right" and turning it round. So if I'd just missed the bus, and it was raining, and there wasn't another one for half an hour - instead of telling myself this always happens, I'd remind myself that I'd got a bus in two minutes in the morning, and I was a lucky person, so another bus would be along in a minute, even though it wasn't scheduled. Objectively, this has no impact on buses whatsoever - but believe me, little by little it ends up changing how you view yourself.

You can be the architect of your own destiny: yes, things have been tough for the last 25 years - but are you going to let a bad start influence the next 60 years of your life, or are you going to kick fate in the balls, say fuck you, and start having the life that you deserve?

hefzi · 01/02/2016 20:25

Agh, link fail!

Work With Offenders here