To think that eating food you don't particularly like is just part of growing up?

[caitlinohara]

3 boys, aged 9, 7 and 4. All fussy about food in their own ways but nothing really extreme, no health issues and all a healthy weight.

The problem is that I find that I am spending hours a week meal planning and doing the shopping and cooking and all the budgeting that goes with it and it's getting me down. For example, ds1 will not eat any form of protein that isn't meat - so no cheese, no pulses, no nuts, and I have a bit of an aversion to eating lots of meat because we can't afford to buy free range/organic unless it's just for a couple of meals a week. Ds2 would live off purely carbs if he could, whereas ds3 won't eat starchy food - no bread, no rice and the only sort of pasta he will eat is spaghetti.

I am so tempted to just forget trying to please everyone or indeed anyone and make food that I like. My mum thinks this is awful and akin to bullying and will give them hangups about food - as a child I was very fussy and she made me whatever I wanted. Her argument is that I grew out of it and will now eat pretty much anything so it must have worked.

My argument is that as a parent I have a responsibility to put healthy food on the table, and if they don't like it that needn't stop them eating it. AIBU?

The best dinners we do are a mezze style where they can have bits of what they like and see foods they don't. We do that a few nights a week. DS1 loves shopping and cooking and even picking up the food and trying to put it in our mouths - he still wont eat it himself tho.

I know people who only like spaghetti or one type of pasta and not others, it's a texture thing, not taste. And quite a few people don't like rice (altho i don't know anyone who sees it 'as a vegetable' it's always the carb component of a meal).

I'm just reading a really interesting book called First Bite How we Learn to Eat by Bee Wilson. It has a lot about feeding children with issues from fussiness to full on psychiatric treatment and seems to me to have really good practical advice, although I have no experience of feeding kids, fussy or otherwise. Worth a read.

Only the OP knows whether her children are being fussy for the sake of it (as children sometimes are with food!) or genuinely dislike the foods they refuse. How do they eat at other people's houses? The social skills you mention, about eating food you don't like in order to be polite, might be more prevalent in front of friends' parents maybe?

Coincidentally I listened to Bee Wilson talking about that book on a Womans Hour podcast on the way to work this morning and it made me think of this thread.

She mentioned a technique where people try tiny amounts (grain of rice or pea sized) of foods that they don't like or can't eat and build up from there.

Apparently it can even work with children with autism or other sensory issues that have been eating very limited diets.

DS2 has Asperger's and food for him has always been an issue - texture and often smell. While I'm not in any way suggesting that all fussy eaters are on the spectrum, I offer my experience as a bit of hope. DS2 always tightly controlled what he ate as a means of controlling anxiety - his diet was healthy if limited. I have always asked him to try new things, but never insisted. When he reached 16 he suddenly started really branching out and trying lots of new food - he now eats quite a varied diet and is always trying new stuff. He still goes back to his original staple choices when he's anxious, but if he (as high up the Asperger's spectrum as you can get) eventually sorted his eating out for himself, then I think most people will. I think the trick was to be low key, encouraging but not insistent, praise when he tried new stuff and believing that it would eventually get better. I was greatly influenced by my own experiences as a child - made to sit when everyone else had left the table until I ate all of my meal (the dog loved sitting under the table by me!). I still don't eat what I was forced to eat, and I remember how bloody miserable it made me and my parents. I was determined never to do that to my children. DS1 eats anything and everything - we took the same approach with him as with DS2.

We don't have the money to cook different meals. We don't have the money for the kids to fuss.

I cook one dinner. A bit of everything is put on their plates. They don't have to finish it all but they do have to have a tiny try. A tiny teeny little bite of a try. Even just touching it to their tongue.

When they've had enough they can have yogurt or fruit.

The only other rule is eat to full not eat to finish.

It's the same rules my mum had and I was a massive fuss pot as a child and now eat almost anything apart from bananas and some forms of egg

I actually think the main problem here is limiting meat to organic (although I can understand free range). But remember beef and lamb are free range anyway, and free range chicken and Turkey not much dearer.

Apart from the one who likes starch it seems like this must be quite limiting for the other two. It sounds like DS1 will just be getting veg and starch, and DS3 just veg and pulses/eggs.

Kid's aren't stupid. They will realise that you're catering to your own aversion and dismissing theirs. And it sounds like meat is the only thing all 3 will eat so limiting that really does seem to be causing quite a few problems.

TBH, I think if you're going to demand that they put their fussiness and preferences aside you need to begin by setting a good example and setting aside your own for organic.

I'm also trying the 'you don't have to eat it if you don't like it' approach. I would never demand that DC sit at the table until finished, but no I'm not cooking separate meals. If I serve up chicken, rice and veggies and they want to eat just one of the components - fine by me.

I'm also trying the 'you don't have to eat it if you don't like it' approach. I would never demand that DC sit at the table until finished, but no I'm not cooking separate meals. If I serve up chicken, rice and veggies and they want to eat just one of the components - fine by me.

So if they really don't like it, they go hungry?

I don't cook multiple meals, I simply don't have the time or the energy for it. But I also don't apply any pressure at meal times. They don't have to eat it, but at the same time they can't refuse it altogether, without even trying it (if it's something new) and then expect an alternative or a dessert. If I'm cooking something I know dd1's not keen on. I will still serve it to her, but I will also ensure there are other things on her plate that she does like, so it's there if she wants to try it but she won't starve either. This mainly applies to dd1 at the moment as dd2 is still a baby at the weaning stage and eats most things put in front of her.

If they refuse dinner completely and seem really hungry later on, then they can have a yogurt or some fruit. If I offered toast then dd1 would refuse dinner, even if it was a dinner she liked, on the basis that she could just have toast instead (loves toast), rather than eat a proper meal. She has tried this with fruit as well in the past so I have to be careful as it can be an easy trap to fall into.

Nanny they can eat rice or chicken or vegetables. Or have a toast, fruit or yogurt instead.
I would probably revise this position if I had a child with such issues that they really didn't manage to eat any of the components without gagging. But without special needs, I won't cook several meals because one child wants spaghetti and the other demands penne with their bolognese.

I wouldn't dream of giving the DC food they don't like, I don't eat food I don't like. DD has sensory issues with food, the smell of greasy food makes her retch. I wouldn't dream of making her fish and chips.

I don't understand why it costs more to cook them what they want? Surely you just make a smaller portion of what others are having then cook what they like, also it wont be wasted then and you wouldn't have to offer yogurt or banana after (what if your dc don't like any snack foods? what do you offer them then?). Altho even if ds1 doesn't eat any dinner he never asks for anything else and will go a long time without eating.

For us i might do mousaka and salad, for ds1 sausage and chips (not that he eats the chips) and ds2 quiche and veg (not that he eats the veg). It's no more expensive as i am doing a 2 portion dinner of mousaka (or 4 and freeze 2) instead of 4.

About only cooking only what they like - my niece (10) only likes plain pasta, with cheese. And chocolate. No issues or special needs. So if I only cooked things she likes, that's what she would eat. I don't think that's particularly healthy though.

No it isn't, but if she wont eat anything else it's better than nothing. Isn't it? Or os no food at all more healthy than pasta and cheese? There is a difference between something not being someones favourite but they will still eat it and actively disliking something so much you wont eat it. In the latter case i think it's better to eat something rather than nothing.

I cook everyone the same thing for dinner. Children are 3 and 5. I cater a bit to what they like and don't like. For e.g. If we have curry I give ds1 naan with his and ds2 has rice because ds1 loves naan and ds2 doesn't like naan.
If they eat it then great, if they don't they don't. Me, DH and DS1 eat pretty much anything. DS2 is a bit more fussy but usually finds something he likes in each meal.

YANBU

If you're eating out in a restaurant each person at the table can choose from the range of dishes on the menu exactly what they like to eat, and feel like eating at the time. The kitchen full of staff will happily make it, because that is what they're there for.

If you're eating at home there is only one dish on offer and you accept that sometimes what's put in front of you isn't what you would have chosen to eat, but as someone else has shopped and cooked for everyone at the table you don't complain and you eat it.

It would be unfair to serve someone food that they actively dislike but I can't and won't cater to each individual's whim and preference every night.

It's never going to be easy to discuss this because it can come across as judgmental towards people's parenting choices.

Without knowing people very well and seeing it day to day you can't advise what will or won't work. I have some family who despair because their children are very fussy. But then: they always put out a bag of crisps even before lunch; if one of the kids won't try something they don't give it to them another time; they are effectively made individual meals and the kids dictate what they have; if something is not exactly how they like it they will refuse to eat it. These kids have no sensory issues, or anything else that should affect it, but to my mind they've been trained that they will get exactly what they want so why would they even try something that they might not like if they can just have their favourite again.

Equally, I know people who were forced to eat whatever they were given, and to clear their plates, and now have massive issues over certain foods.

Is there any element of one not liking carbs as the only like carbs? When I was around their ages I used to dislike mushrooms and carrots as they were my brothers favourite veg. It meant we didn't often eat his favourite meal. Coincidentally those two vegs were mixed into tomato sauces I loved...

There's of course a difference between not liking something and not actually being able to eat something. I would never force anybody to eat things that make them sick, obviously. But if someone declares that 'I would never cook my DC something they don't like' then yes that would mean cooking my niece pasta every evening, because that's what she likes.

There are plenty of things she will eat though, even though she declares she doesn't like them. I don't see any problems serving those up and saying that this is it, eat it or don't eat it, up to you.

I think that is a difference in definition then. Because if someone said they didn't like something i would assume that meant they wouldn't eat it. It is what i mean by like and not like. No one in this house will eat what they 'don't like', but we may eat things which aren't our favourites or that we like less than others. Not like means not eat here.

MrsKoala But that's my point really - as adults, we DO have to eat things we don't like, sometimes, if someone else has cooked them for us, to be polite. Or occasionally if we cook something new and it doesn't turn out great, we would probably still eat it. At some point, we have to learn that not liking something is not the end of the world.

I don't like prawns, I would never order them or cook them myself, but if someone made dinner for me and it had prawns in, I would eat them. I get that some people have a violent aversion to some textures, but I don't think that's what's going on here.

I like the idea of giving them little amounts of things and then building up gradually. I seem to remember Noel Janis Norton suggesting that - she calls it "First Plate" - you give them a first plate which is a tiny tiny amount of certain foods they don't like, and then when they have eaten their actual dinner, and then you gradually increase the amounts. I'd forgotten that. I've never tried it because it sounded a massive faff but it might be worth a go.

I'm going to get that First Bite book as well.

No not really, i would say that as an adult i most definitely do not have to eat what i don't like. I also think the 'if someone has cooked it for you' argument isn't valid here, it's not like they can cook for themselves instead. The way you are talking is as if they are guests in your house and you have no idea what they like to eat. It isn't the same. They are not guests it is their home. It's not a treat you cooking for them it's your job as a parent. I do understand your points about healthy food and i have had numerous threads on here about ds1s fussiness as i worry about it so much. But i still will only cook him what he likes as i don't want to make it an issue.

Personally I think if you can eat something, then you have to like it a bit, even if you wouldn't choose it. If i went to someones house and they served me food i didn't like i wouldn't be able to eat it because i don't like it even a bit, not enough to force it down. Celery is one of these things. I also would feel terrible if i thought someone was eating something they didn't like just to be polite. I'd much rather someone told me and didn't eat it.

MrsKoala Ok - I think we will totally have to agree to disagree about that, because I fundamentally disagree with you! I would consider it extremely rude if a guest said they didn't like what I had cooked for them. I don't think there is anything I absolutely couldn't eat if I was in a social situation. You just take a small helping and don't have seconds, and thank the host.

I don't feel that my kids are guests in their own home or that I am doing them a favour by cooking their tea! I am just making the point that at some point in their lives they are going to find themselves in a social situation where they will have to eat something they don't like or risk offending someone, and I'd like to help them get over their aversion to certain foods during their childhood and reap some of the benefits myself rather than them suddenly miraculously eating everything their girlfriends' parents cook for them aged 16 whilst I've spent years agonising over bloody menus!!!!

Yes, that would just be typical of my buggers too! You wouldn't believe the lengths i go to to hide veg in their food DS wouldn't drink a carton of orange juice today (the only juice i can get down him) because it had a picture of a banana on it. He once refused to eat his fish because i had cooked sweet potato in THE OVEN NEXT TO the oven i cooked the fish in. it is so so hard and soul destroying.

I hope they start to eat more for you.