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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel guilty that my DC are so independent?

91 replies

BeautifulLiar · 31/01/2016 09:40

They're 7, 4 and 3. I'm almost 35 weeks pregnant.

They can play for hours on their own/with each other. They make their own breakfast etc (not cos I cant be arsed, they just get up earlier than me on a school day and do it!). I do try to do lots of things with them.

Last week I couldn't make it back from an appointment in time so had to ask a friend to pick them up from school for me. They were so excited and when I went to pick them up they didn't want to leave Blush I can leave the eldest two at parties without them being bothered.

I think they love me but they're just not clingy/needy/overly dependant on me.

Some of my friend's kids seem to be all over them. I feel so guilty.

OP posts:
Headmelt · 31/01/2016 11:36

There is a very thin line between very independent and neglected. Leaving a 7 year old to mind a 3 & 4 year old unsupervised and to fend for themselves whilst you stay in bed is borderline.

Lightbulbon · 31/01/2016 11:38

Geez there are some right nasties coming out for a party this morning.

Maybe go back to bed if you have nothing nice to say!

OP I was thinking of starting a v similar thread.

I encouraged mine to be independent when they were younger now they are teen & tween they are so independent I hardly see them!

hence having a dc3 Grin
I do prefer independent dcs though. I hate to see molly coddled helicopter parented dcs. It's doing them no favours at all IMO. They are children not dolls/puppies.

Hackedabove · 31/01/2016 11:38

I think the guilt starts as soon as they pop out, I envy anyone who doesn't get it. We all have our own insecurities. Didn't come across as a stealth boast to me. Some people just come on to stir, umm isn't that what the definition of a troll is?

Grapeeatingweirdo · 31/01/2016 11:41

You're not a shitty mum at all. Kids that feel secure are the ones who will run off at nursery, amuse themselves and generally be more independent. A secure child doesn't need to be clingy or over dependent.

Sounds like you're doing a great job!!

I was like your kids as a child; very independent and happy to amuse myself and be on my own. My parents were very weirded out by me and probably bonded better with the siblings that "needed" them more. I was just happy, secure and content in myself. Sounds like yours are the same and that is because they feel secure and loved.

Stop beating yourself up!

shutupandshop · 31/01/2016 11:46

I dont think 3 is too you g to be downstairs alone. I need to 3 year old proof downstairs a bit more then I'll encourage my 3 year old to go and watch tv if he gets up early. he probably wont go my 3 older dcs all went downstairs from 3.

ricketytickety · 31/01/2016 11:47

You'll be grand when the baby comes. If you're having a nap, do it on the couch with baby in a bouncer and door shut so little ones can't get up to mischief. You'll find your way. Someone told me being a mum you have to strive for 'good enough'. Perfection doesn't exist - if you always do everything for them they won't learn self responsibility or might feel they have no control over their lives. If you leave them to do everything themselves they will resent not being looked after. Middle road is the way to go.

Tanith · 31/01/2016 11:49

When I was 3 and went to nursery for the very first time, I apparently got on the minibus and calmly sat down on one of the seats. Didn't give my poor mum a backward glance, although many of the other children were sobbing and clinging to their mothers.

I'm told my mum came home and cried - she was devasted that I should need her so little Blush

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 31/01/2016 12:10

Presumably, if OP is married, her husband is with the kids? It's Sunday, so that seems likely. Did she say they were all alone? On phone, so hard to check.

shutupandshop · 31/01/2016 12:34

Do you have a partner op?

florentina1 · 31/01/2016 13:12

My 3 adult children tell me that that are raising their kids with 'benign neglect' just like they were!!!

I think (hope) they mean they were given the skills to be independent and make their own mistakes.

Life threatening things, like the toaster incident can happen even with helicopter parents
.
Seems to me OP you are not just raising independent kids but considerate ones too.

Original poster
BeautifulLiar · 31/01/2016 13:38

Yes, I'm married.

Oh I'm never in bed when they make breakfast on a school day - they make it while I'm getting showered and dressed etc. If they want to wait for me they can, but they'd rather just make it. They only have cereal.

Like I said I rarely stay in bed. I mean like a pp said if me and DH were busy doing other things they'll usually just get on with things rather than pestering us every 5 minutes.

Oh and I have lots of rules in place! We have quite rigid routines and boundaries.

They do all dress themselves etc. They help with household chores and the 7 year old can use the washing machine etc. But at least he'll be quite self sufficient when he moves out I suppose!!

Thanks for the kind posts Flowers

OP posts:
Natsku · 31/01/2016 13:40

My DD(5) is both independent and clingy, quite a hellish combination at times! She insists on playing out by herself a lot and wants to go further than she's allowed (the other day we were playing in the snow out in town and when I told her I was getting tired she told me that I could go home while she stays and plays - er, no!), but on the flip side she doesn't want me to leave the room she's in if we're at home. Drives me nuts!

Original poster
BeautifulLiar · 31/01/2016 13:42

Oh and I don't let them "play out". Not sure why really, I just darent.

OP posts:
Natsku · 31/01/2016 13:43

My 3 adult children tell me that that are raising their kids with 'benign neglect' just like they were!!!

That's kinda what I'm aiming for. Kids are so bloody independent where I live that my kid will stand out as some kind of weirdo if I don't raise her to be very independent by 7/8ish (getting to and from school alone, staying home alone, going round town with friends etc.)

DotForShort · 31/01/2016 15:04

It sounds fine to me. I think previous generations were far less concerned about constant supervision. When I was a child, I routinely went downstairs by myself at the crack of dawn. I know it was before I started school, so I was under 5. As the only early bird in a family of night owls, and as an introvert, I loved that time on my own. My mother would have been happy to get up with me (bleary-eyed and sleepy but happy enough!), but I never bothered to wake her. I remember those early solitary mornings with great fondness.

I'm very much in favour of encouraging independence. It sounds from the OP that you might be feeling some regret about your eldest child's first two years, when you were not in good shape emotionally. But there is nothing wrong with raising confident, secure children. In fact, I would say that is a goal we should all aim for! Smile

Lightbulbon · 31/01/2016 17:57

I didn't realise until I read it on mumsnet that other people DIDNT let their 3yos go watch tv themselves whilst parents are in bed.

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