To feel guilty that my DC are so independent?

[BeautifulLiar]

They're 7, 4 and 3. I'm almost 35 weeks pregnant.

They can play for hours on their own/with each other. They make their own breakfast etc (not cos I cant be arsed, they just get up earlier than me on a school day and do it!). I do try to do lots of things with them.

Last week I couldn't make it back from an appointment in time so had to ask a friend to pick them up from school for me. They were so excited and when I went to pick them up they didn't want to leave I can leave the eldest two at parties without them being bothered.

I think they love me but they're just not clingy/needy/overly dependant on me.

Some of my friend's kids seem to be all over them. I feel so guilty.

I know what you mean. My daughter is fine being in her own and actually prefers to play by herself and do things for herself. She's only 18 months and it makes me feel so guilty when she's playing by herself and I'm just sat there watching her.
Although it's a good excuse to take her out everyday as she needs me then!
(I'm totally needy)

Don't understand why people are being mean I get what you mean OP my DD is very independent too, it's nothing to do with how much they love you, they just feel secure enough to do things without you which is good

Why do people think this is weird? I get it, my DD has always been independent, never cried or clung to me at the childminders, nursery or school drop off. I never wanted a clingy child, but sometimes it would be nice to feel more needed.

People quite often comment on how independent she is as she happily trots off to class or a club without a look back at me, it never sounds like a compliment to me, it feels like they're saying what have you done to make her care so little.

The replies on this thread are ridiculous. Op are you saying that because your eldest had to learn to entertain himself as at the time you weren't coping you now worry this has had an effect on your relationship. As you have had other children they all seem to follow the same pattern and get on with things instead of calling on you all the time.

Some kids will be more self reliant than others. I would just make sure you engage with them and don't worry about it. My dd can float between the two she pretty much takes care of herself but can be emotionally needy. That's her personality and that's ok the same way it's ok for your kids

I think you should get up with them too, the little one is far to young to be up alone and the elder ones shouldn't have to supervise them. The elder ones are at school a lot of the week so weekends are precious.

As for them getting up and making their own breakfast before school as you are still in bed, words fail me. It's one thing to equip children with skills for adulthood but it sounds like you just leave them to it and opt out.

Presumably they aren't clngly or needy as you simply aren't there for them. Adding another will mean even less time for the existing children and it sounds likes there's not much now. To post, you obviously have doubts over your parenting style.

I always feel guilty when friends are complaining about tiredness as their dc get up at 6am. Not tiny dc but primary age.
I didn't realise I was strict but mine aren't allowed out of bed until 7am and then then ask if they can go downstairs so I know they're up. This morning my 7 year old and 4 yo played beautifully for nearly 2 hours before I got up to do breakfast.
Btw I wasn't being lazy I was in bed cuddling dd3 who I've been up with all night with a vomiting bug (every 6 minutes, then 15, then every 30 minutes).
Dh and I also reorganised upstairs with new furniture yesterday afternoon while dc played downstairs. But I agree it sounds like a stealth boast. My dc have their moments but their current age is amazing. They're independent but also know I'm here if they need me.

Mine this age were doing their own breakfast - well eldest was keeping an eye on other two but they all could do it - I was made to feel awful for that by GP but the children love doing it - and I wasn't far away.

They learnt to dress themselves early - I was busy with younger ones and youngest copied and had some help from eldest who she room shared. I was bemused at so many reception and year 1 children apparently being dressed by parents - but they saw my DC as having to do it themselves as cruel.

My family think it odd and I should discourage my DC playing together a lot as they do - not surprisingly my family is full of siblings who don't get on so fact mine do is "odd".

My eldest is very independent - she was a Velcro baby so I think she got the support she needed and now feels safe and supported enough to explore the world and boundaries with confidence.

I can sympathise! Mine has never been cuddly even as a baby and doesn't mind me leaving nursery or leaving her with other people and going, it does make me sad that she's not a snuggley cuddly girl sometimes!

The point of MN surely is to share experiences, even more unusual ones, no idea why the OP is then being sniped at for saying something others may relate to!

OP, my eldest was like this, very self sufficient in her own body, if that makes sense, she never wanted to co-sleep (used to howl if I laid next to her/slings absolute no no) and just didn't cuddle up as much as other babies. She was also not as emotionally demonstrative as others. However, she's turned out to be a very loving girl, and still likes the odd cuddle now she's a teen.

I think having more than one child means that, in some combinations, they can go and play together and have a buddy to do things with. I've never played on the floor with my children or done imaginary play, because they always played with each other. They were each others best buddies for many years, although this was stressful then when my eldest grew up and her sister felt left behind.

I think what you are conflating is clinginess/neediness with love, and this is not the same thing. Some children do very much need to be in the physical presence of an adult when tiny all the time, others don't, this won't affect your relationship with them.

Also, watch out that it may change. Mine are emotionally more needy now they are in the pre-teen/teen phase and need much more time spending chatting/hanging out than say when they were 7/8. These things don't stay the same.

with breakfast on a school day i sort that out but when there is no schol the kids do it themself. they do lunch themself as well. well the 5 year old does not but the older ones do it for her whilst they are doing theirs.

i can leave the 8 year old at partys. but the 5 year old is funny about it.

with school/nurserys all my kids have been clingy at some point. but from first child to last i kind of prize them off me and leggit. because i dont want to make it an issue..

my baby is 9 months only been in childcare for about 3 weeks. he cried first day and that was it. he ignors me when i say good bye. and just seems generally happy.

OK, on a different note though op - I personally don't feel comfortable with being in bed whilst the dc are up (mine are 8 and nearly 6). As a rare one off, maybe - but not regularly.

My feeling on that comes from dh. His mum used to stay in bed and dh and his brother used to get themselves up, fed and to school. I'm not sure exactly but it sounds like it was definitely from primary age.

When dh was a bit older again (pre-teen/teen) he started taking his mum up a cup of tea in the morning. I think he was reaching out in the hope she might actually get up before he left.

The two stories/memories you get are completely different though, from an adult perspective. From MIL: 'Ah, dh was always such a good boy. He used to bring me a cup of tea in the morning, do you remember darling?!' (with a gooey haven't-I-raised-such-a-wonder face). She sees it as a nice family story, good memories of how loving her dc were.

From dh (to me only): 'We never saw her in the morning. Lazy bitch was always in bed'. I'm all for encouraging kids to be independent but he learned to make breakfast, make a cuppa, iron his uniform because he had to, not because he was encouraged to iyswim?

DH can take or leave MIL. He's kind to her, in a dutiful way but that's it. Not bonded at all. I don't think MIL has any idea how much her...apathy...to certain things, which are important to kids (like having their parents there with them in the mornings) has affected their relationship.

Oh and dd1 did have to entertain herself at 3 as I had newborn twins. It was hard work and I did my best to take dtds to groups just so dd1 could play with other dc her age - she wasn't interested in babies particularly, although she did try to play fetch with them once they were crawling lol.

Having said that I wouldn't let mine make breakfast by themselves at that age (3/4), as too messy, plus if they wanted toast/anything cooked that's a no-no. Presumably the older one is helping the three year old.

It's up to you if you are happy with this though, mine have been coming down since about 6/7 and getting some cereal by themselves.

One of mine takes pride in being extremely independent, and from about aged 7 would get up, get dressed, go down and get breakfast, brush hair and teeth, put on shoes and sit completely ready in her coat. It was a big thing for her to show she was a grown-up girl!

The older one has to be dragged out of bed!

Incidentally my eldest would shoo me out the kitchen and get most upset if I tried to stay- I'd be in the living room with glass doors so could see them - then later when they had lots of practise and knew how to be safe - I'd possibly be in other areas of the house.

There is less of an age gap between my eldest - just under two years than yours but the eldest likes being in charge fights for it - and younger one too love it as well - it's certainly not imposed of expected - plus I'm around if not hoovering over them.

Does depend on the children temperament - mine push to be allowed to do things and we try and find safe ways of allowing - finding safe things for them to have for breakfast and being around but not hoovering.

I still don't understand what the problem is though, is it just that you worry what other people will think or is it that you don't think they like you enough.

Mine were independent (some more than others) I only saw it as a positive.

Funnily enough my most independent was very clingy during her A'levels due to being really stressed. I'm not kidding. She is now at Uni and not the least bit clingy.

I understand exactly what you mean. Ignore the posters behaving like dicks.

Strawberry I think that's a good point about disinterested parents vs very eager children- if you are forced into doing stuff because they won't, then it's very different than children who are actively looking to be independent and don't really want help (like my second child).

I think at those ages you should be getting up with them. I certainly did with mine, but maybe I was getting it wrong. I certainly think a three year old should be supervised, especially when eating.

I do think that many, with their talk of the dc sorting their own breakfasts, give their young dc far too much credit.

A couple of days ago, ds1 (8) was making him and ds2 toast. I encourage them to get their own cereal (and toast in the case of ds1 as he's tall enough to reach) whilst i'm pottering around, but still in the vicinity.

Ds1's toast got stuck. So he went to dig it out with a metal spoon and I only just stopped him in time. I scared the shit out of him because I went something like 'Arrggh-bleyyg-hargggg!' as I saw him about to do it.

We've talked about toaster-safety before, a few times. Ds1 is an intelligent kid, old and wise before his years in many things. His response? 'But this was a spoon? When you said about it before, you said never use a knife? So the electric will still go through a spoon the same?'.

It was a good reminder of never to give a child too much credit, even the very sensible ones IMO.

Mine are not allowed to make toast or do any cooking, that's the rule- only cereal when I'm not downstairs.

Mind you, they may try to do something for the first time. I think a 3 or 4 year old definitely might do something unexpected.

I know it's hard when you had a particualr childhood and don't know whether what you are doing is 'right' or not. If they're happy, I would say you are doing things well. Regarding the weekend mornings, I would get up if the 4 and 3 year olds are up as they might get up to something the 7 year old can't handle. I would go and rest on the couch.

If you're still cooking most meals, and are there teaching manners, listening to their worries and taking an interest in their day, then you're doing fine.
I think the danger in too much independence is that children can learn to be too self sufficient and forget that they can confide in you, look to you for guidance and know that you love them unconditionally (not that it sounds like this is the case), and would possibly look back on their childhoods and wonder why.

My 2 dc are 8 and 4 and sound very much like yours. We are strongly attached but they are confident independent, much loved, secure children.

I feel very proud of them and confident that I'm doing a pretty good job.

I'm also single parent and work FT.
I feel no guilt re working or having independent happy children.

I must be a sociopath?

Completely understand you OP, my dd (6) is so incredibly independent and I feel guilty that it's been something I've done to make her this way (even though she has been this way since she could walk) my ds on the other hand although 4 looks like I've repeatedly kicked a puppy if I so much as ask him to put his own clothes on. So although I feel guilty about dd I'm also very grateful that she isn't half as needy as my ds (although it is nice to be needed sometimes!)

"incase* it's been something I've done, that should read. Not that being happy, confident and independent is a bad thing