Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To feel guilty that my DC are so independent?

91 replies

BeautifulLiar · 31/01/2016 09:40

They're 7, 4 and 3. I'm almost 35 weeks pregnant.

They can play for hours on their own/with each other. They make their own breakfast etc (not cos I cant be arsed, they just get up earlier than me on a school day and do it!). I do try to do lots of things with them.

Last week I couldn't make it back from an appointment in time so had to ask a friend to pick them up from school for me. They were so excited and when I went to pick them up they didn't want to leave I can leave the eldest two at parties without them being bothered.

I think they love me but they're just not clingy/needy/overly dependant on me.

Some of my friend's kids seem to be all over them. I feel so guilty.

OP posts:

3sugarsplease · 31/01/2016 10:45

Hold on. I think you're all being seriously harsh on the OP! Pregnancy hormones or not, having raised her kids, fed them, changed them, played with them, clothed them - what she is saying is that that they don't necessarily need her to do those things for them anymore.

You want your kids to be independent - but at the same time you want them to need and want you still. After all you are their mother.

Personally I don't think it's a boast OP. I understand. I think some MNetters may have got out of the wrong side of the bed today..

MrsJayy · 31/01/2016 10:47

Woman I know children hang off her and she laps it up she thinks its lovely she hated when her DD wanted to go to school on her own and wailed that her baby was growing up she was 12 and nowum leaves earlier and insists she drops her DD off at secondary because she is passing. I don't think clinging to children is healthy and a balance is needed

lostInTheWash · 31/01/2016 10:48

I think it depends on the child again.

My children no to put nothing in the toaster as well - the eldest drums that into her sibling as well - but the second eldest a boy would argue like your did - he's does it with similar things.

So I am up and in kitchen - when he first up - can hear his door - though he is usually later so it's a bit easier - plus there are more things he likes cereal wise about so he doesn't do toast as frequently.

Though it is something to bear in mind - my eldest 10 year old going on 40 year old did fail to look both ways crossing a road this summer at GP ( same GP who expresses horror she'll do her own breakfast) - I was at GM door step having been told by GM to let her go by herself on short task as she did but couldn't see due to parked cars but DD would have been able to if she'd looked and a car had to do a sudden stop.

She'd managed to walk to and from school where we lived - short distance fine by herself so I was taken back. That had started out her walking in front or behind with her friends but in my view while younger DC were with me. Then later by herself or with friends.

We've moved with really busy roads now so she hasn't walked by herself since though going to have to let her soon as she'll have to manage secondary walk by herself. In mean time I'm trying to drum into her that you always look and where to cross.

I was very taken back that she had nearly been hit by not looking for cars as I though she was completely knowledgeable about road safety.

MrsGuyOfGisbo · 31/01/2016 10:54

My elder DC has always been like this, and I sympathise, and have also felt guilty from time to time. He was always keen to go to nursery; when he was doing half days at school in reception asked if he could stay on in the afternoon to help the teacher; gave a new childminder the slip to walk home from school alone when he was 7; keen to go on residential trips etc.
Luckily the younger DC was more cuddly and clingy and did not want to do those things, so we felt less like total failures as parents .
DS1 is now about to go to uni, and has clearly been desperate to leave home for a more than a year - and ready for it. I don't think he hates us, just wants to carve out his own way.

grumpysquash2 · 31/01/2016 10:54

OP, your DC will need to be independent when the new baby arrives, it's no problem that they are already doing it!
They sound great BTW :)

MazzleDazzle · 31/01/2016 10:57

Ignore the rude replies OP [skeptical].

I know exactly what you mean. My 2 DC are very independent and it seems that they are in the minority, especially compared to a lot of MNrs DC.

Initially, I'd role my eyes and think it was ridiculous how clingy/needy some kids were...but, like you I'm beginning to wonder if maybe I'm the one in the wrong. I sometimes worry they'll look back on their childhood and think I was a shit mother!

You're pregnant, you're hormones will be crazy right now, you'll be worrying over the slightest for days and days. I'm 31 weeks and experience paranoid overload, so I can sympathise.

Birdsgottafly · 31/01/2016 10:58

My middle DD (now 20), was always independent and 'sensible', she didn't get on in high school, so they released her, part time, at 14, to do NVQ in Childcare (which included the practical side), at 16, she was working full time.

I am closest to her, out of my DDs, in terms of her 'needing' me, my advice, guidance etc and closer to her in every way, than some of their peer group is, are to their parents, who were more 'needy'.

My last DD was 'needy', luckily they played together.

Be careful what you wish for, OP.

Artandco · 31/01/2016 10:59

I understand op

Mine are semi like that. Both are clingy in new environments so wouldn't just go off, but once settled ie at school, after first few days they happily go off.

At home we do stuff like breakfast ( because I'm fussy about what they eat) and help with baths etc ( safety). But in general they at happy to entertain themselves within our home or out. For example since birth I have been able to work from home with them around fine as they will happily get on with something if we are busy.
On a holiday Dh and I can sit and drink cocktails and they will dig in the sand nearby or play with local children for hours just returning for food

witsender · 31/01/2016 11:00

Mine are fiercely independent at home and play independently for hours, but out of the house not so much.

Birdsgottafly · 31/01/2016 11:02

Also, I was widowed and had to work, so my children did housework, saw me, managing money etc.

It's set them up well, my Son In Laws had to be taught how to live an adult life.

StrawberryDelight · 31/01/2016 11:02

Lost - regarding the spoon thing - ds1 wasn't arguing as such, or trying to get around it. He was genuinely bewildered. It was a complete blind spot for him. And me knowing how intelligent and sensible he is, never thought I had to specify that the same applied to a spoon as a knife or fork. I would never have thought he would do something like that, would have put money on it. Which is scary.

It gives me the shivers when I hear of parents allowing their 5 year olds to make meals alone or their 7 year old to cycle next to busy roads and the like. And then citing 'well of course my 5 year old would never attempt to use the kettle/toaster/cooker' or 'well it's fine, I've drummed into my 7 year old that he's never to ride across the road, he wouldn't do it'.

Nope. You think they wouldn't do it. You, in your logical, sensible, adult brain, which is capable of reason and forward-thinking. Which your young child doesn't have yet.

tinyterrors · 31/01/2016 11:03

My dcs are quite independent. They're all happy, secure, confident children who love doing things for themselves. All but the eldest marched off happily into nursery after a hug goodbye, they were always happy to see me when I picked them up. Even my youngest would probably be happy to be left at a party and he's only 3.

I think most kids don't want to come home when they've gone to someone else's house after school, they see it as a massive treat and out of the ordinary and enjoy the change.

I don't think your dcs sound lile they aren't attached to you, just the opposite, they sound like they're securely attached to you and know that when you leave you'll come back for them. In the meantime they're happy to do things with others.

Tanith · 31/01/2016 11:04

Lord, aren't there some spiteful cats around this morning?

Op, I know exactly what you mean: my 6 year old DD is just the same. She decides what she wants to do and off she goes! We have caught her waiting at the bus stop (she wanted to go into town!) and hunting through the estate for the ice cream man (she heard the bell, collected her money and went off to find him!).
Just very self sufficient and independent. But still needs Mummy when she's ill or hurt. I bet yours do, too.

My 16 year old DS is completely different, mind you - needs reminding about everything, especially of the soap and water variety

StrawberryDelight · 31/01/2016 11:07

my 6 year old DD is just the same. She decides what she wants to do and off she goes! We have caught her waiting at the bus stop (she wanted to go into town!) and hunting through the estate for the ice cream man (she heard the bell, collected her money and went off to find him!)

Good Lord. You need to supervise your 6 year old a bit more closely then. How can you be so casual about your 6 year old (presumably) getting out of your house and to the bus stop, intending to go to town alone, unnoticed? Words fail me.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 31/01/2016 11:08

Strawberry perhaps the bus stop is right outside the house? Perhaps the child was playing in the garden? Context is everything, don't be so judgmental.

Groovee · 31/01/2016 11:09

I think your hormones are getting the better of you. You sound like you have what is right for your family.

LovelyFriend · 31/01/2016 11:17

Strawberry you need to go and get changed out of those judgey pants.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 31/01/2016 11:19

Just enjoy it.

My 9 year old is 100% not independent and needs 24 hour supervision .

The opposite is a blessing. Don't dwell on it.

Tanith · 31/01/2016 11:20

Bus stop is indeed right outside the house

yummumto3girls · 31/01/2016 11:21

Independent children are good, but don't let this mean you let them get on with it. They are all way too young to be downstairs unsupervised, is your partner with them? If not you should be with them, lie on the sofa or something but at least you can be aware of what they are up to. As for getting their breakfast, way to young! Sounds like you need to put some rules in place otherwise your independent children will end up getting hurt. Remember just because they are independent does not mean they know right from wrong.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 31/01/2016 11:29

Your children sound securely attached and happy. Given their ages though, I wonder if the 7 yo does a lot of supervising and if that's entirely fair on them? Do you think you rely on them to be the 'sensible one'? Because children of 3/4 do need a lot of watching from a safety PoV.

BathshebaDarkstone · 31/01/2016 11:29

DD wouldn't tell me she was awake or ask for breakfast at the weekend, now I leave her until 9 and if she's awake make her breakfast. If I left her to her own devices she wouldn't eat.

Crazypetlady · 31/01/2016 11:30

I think you are getting a hard time. However your chidren are too young to just be left to their own devices whilst you are in bed. I totally understand what you are saying in regards to them not being clingy but I do think you need to make more of an effort as it is quite worrying a 4 year old being without supervision.
This isn't a dig , I think because they are so independant you just forget that they are still small sometimes silly children that aren't always clued up on danger.

shutupandshop · 31/01/2016 11:35

Woah people, op is heavily pregnant.

I get you op, mum of 4 here. None of what you have posted is negative quite the opposite. I rarley have glimpses of parents who are full on with their dcs and feel slight guilt. My dcs are thriving ad Im sure yoyrs are. Keep on keeping on

lostInTheWash · 31/01/2016 11:36

Lost - regarding the spoon thing - ds1 wasn't arguing as such, or trying to get around it. He was genuinely bewildered. It was a complete blind spot for him.

Mine would understand but would argue as he can't be wrong.

I think a sandwich at 5 is okay full meal then no. Mine don't play out - or not where we can't see them due to busy roads- where other children their age roam unsupervised for hours.

I'm trying for balance - I wasn't allowed to cook or use washing machine know about money - budgeting, writing cheque - or get myself around very much - I wasn't ready or old enough or would cause them worry or it was their domain.

Books were bought and a few attempts made to rectify things - but when I left for university it was a huge learning curve and very embarrassing for me. It left me at a disadvantage and I put myself into dangerous situations because I wasn't streetwise as I'd never been allowed to develop those skills.

I've met other parents who insist their children won't be getting themselves to and from secondary ever something I was allowed to do.

IL worked so DH on other hand was doing family meal most nights form 11 - he loved it - my mother had similar and hated it.

I don't think the OP is doing anything wrong or that her children aren't loved and cared for.

Flip

1 2 3 4