To worry that my girls will love the nanny more than me

[Cuppatea14]

I have 2 DDs, aged one and three. Both are in full time nursery at the moment. The whole family are out the door at 7.30am and not back til after 5pm. The nursery is fantastic and the girls are well settled there but I think the days are too long. Next year my older girl will start school and we'll need some sort of different solution then anyway, to handle drop offs and pick ups etc, as our local school don't run an after-school club.

We have found a lovely local lady who comes with flawless references who's available to mind the kids in our own home. So she would arrive at 7.30 and stay til 5ish, and we can just about afford it. I think it'll be great for the girls... but I have this very selfish fear that they will get more attached to this lady than they are to me. I don't have this fear in nursery because there is always a few minders, and they are looking after a few kids each so it's diluted. We will probably go ahead with the childminder anyway because I think it's what's best for the kids, but I worry that I won't cope well with my own jealousy. Has anyone any experience?

When I first put my DS with a childminder I was feverishly calculating the hours that he would spend awake with her compared to the hours he would spend awake with me.

Then when they go there, you realise that you want them to have an awesome relationship with their carer. It would be crap if they didn't love them.

But nothing beats mummy and daddy.

They wont love her more than you. Ypu will always be mum.
But there is plenty of room for other adults to love your dc and your dc have capacity to love other people.

I'm a CM and I can assure you 100% that I am not trying to replace anyone's mum. Yes, I'm with my mindees for however many hours a day/week. I feed them, I take care of them, I teach them and I feel a great deal of affection for them but I am not their mother and they are not my children. The dynamic between me and mindees is entirely different to the dynamic between me and my own children/the mindees and their own mother.

Your DC won't get more attached to her than they are to you. You will always be their mum.

Know what one of the loveliest sights is that I get to see? The excitement on a mindees face when their mum walks in the door at pick up time :)

As my mother always says 'they know their own'. No-one will ever love your children like you do. And no-one can love a mother like a child.

They will talk about their childminders and the other children, but take it from me - they know their own.

I had a nanny as a kid - from around 5 to around 12 when she left to start her own family.

She was great, a friend to us all, I was bridesmaid at her wedding, etc. Still pleased to get an annual Christmas card and letter from her now I am very grown up with a family of my own.

Mum and Dad were my mum and dad. No contest. I wouldn't worry about it. Kids have space for a lot of loving adults in their lives in different roles.

I am a nanny. I can promise you that no matter how much I love my charges and how much they love me, it is completely different to their parents.
The little girl I look after at the moment has started instructing her mummy to play with me because she has so much fun with us and she wants her mummy to enjoy that as well.
We had a lovely day today and were having cuddles on the sofa after bath, LG was cuddling me and being really snuggly and lovely, complete and utter love for me but the second she heard her mum's key in the door she threw herself off of me and legged it to the door to cuddle her mum. She tells me all day long "mummy go in the train to work, love mummy" (all of this applies to her dad as well) . If ever we are out all together she laughs and laughs and says "look -my name- is mummy!" I've been with her roughly a year, she is almost two.

If you do go forward with a nanny then the advice I always give my bosses is to be prepared for your girls to test you a little bit. They know they have total unconditional love from you and that they can get away with more, they aren't as sure of that with the nanny because she/he isn't their parent and they will probably be better behaved with the nanny as a result, this can mean that they then let it all out with you. Screaming and misbehaviour at the end of the nannies day is just them relaxing completely because they are totally secure with you.

Also any good nanny will work with your jealousy, LG went through a phase of refusing to go home with her mum (I work a nanny share so we are sometimes in another house). I would spend a lot of the day talking about mummy and how exciting it would be to see her "yay mummy" and so on. And as soon as parents are home I step back and they are in charge unless I know they are happy for me to step in.

My mother couldn't cope with her own feelings of jealousy when I, as a 2 year old child grew 'closer' (in her opinion) to the nanny than her. She sacked the nanny as a result. I developed attachment disorder as a child and mental health problems as an adult. (luckily healed now through intensive therapy) So whatever you do, please don't let your own feelings get in the way of what is best for your child. Your child will form a different bond with the nanny to you, but if you let any jealousy affect this, it may have a lasting impact.

Anecdotally, children just realise that the nanny, whilst lovely, is not a parent. My friend's nanny of 3 years recently left, my friend was really worried about how they'd cope. They were sad for about a week, then got on with it with the new nanny. They still speak of the old nanny with affection, but it was amazing how quickly they accepted the change.

I was a nanny, i adored the girls i cared for, will never forget them. They ranged from 8 months to 8 years, i fed them, toilet trained them, you name it. Did they love me more than their mummy? Not a chance in hell (and quite rightly too). They were very attached to me but i also lived out so had my own life too. It's a very different bond between another woman and YOUR children, it can be very close but never the same as mummy.

Also a childminder here..

My Minders children.. Feel happy and secure here.. I have had some from weeks old and none of them ever thought I was there mum..

I do have a bond with my minded children but it is a very different one to the one I have with my own son..

We have a nanny, she has been with us for years and the children love her, which is great. She is not their mum and and there is no competition, but it's almost like having an extra granny or auntie. You can't have too many loving adults in your children's lives.

Of course it doesn't always work out this way, but if it does, it's a good thing!

We have a nanny. We've had nannies since our children were born. Our kids are nearly 4 and 1.

She is great and the kids love her especially my wee one. In fact, they speak the same language together that my husband and I don't understand. It gives them a special bond. (Ds2 doesn't speak English yet- just a couple of words)

You need to allow your children to form firm attachments to their caregivers. After all children usually spend more time with nannies during the week than their parents...mine do anyway.

You need to remember that their relationship will be completely separate from a parent-child relationship. You will always be the most important thing in their lives.

I think what you're feeling is perfectly natural, but the bond between mother and child is different to any bond they will have with a nanny.

I had a nanny as a child and we now employ a nanny for our two toddlers.

I PROMISE YOU that they'll love the nanny but she will never be loved like they love you.

I worried about this, especially as our nanny is actually my parents who are here 8am-7pm 5 days a week. I thought that my mum is so great (true) that the baby would prefer her.

I also counted how many waking hours we each spent with DS1!

In reality? Well, they all have a fantastic relationship but I am so number one in my boys' lives! (Now 4 and 21 months). They have a great time with my parents but as soon as I'm home they come running to me. I'm always number one choice if they are hurt or sad.

My mum actually found it hard to do so much during the day with them and to be abandoned so readily when I was there...

Agree with PP though- I definitely get the worst behavior from them!

Thanks for all the lovely replies, really reassuring. The minder is coming over this morning to meet the girls, and all going well we will go ahead with it. Can't deny I'm excited about someone coming in and taking over on weekday mornings!