to not want to keep giving lifts

[themumfairy]

Baby is now a little over a week but some family members seem to have forgotten this. I had about 2 days rest before dp family starting asking for favours. Pick them up and take them home after they've been to see baby. Pop over and drop something off that they'd left at ours when visiting. Oh and take them and their animal to the vets to name a few.
There are only 2 of us in the family that drive and the other person asks for petrol money for these errands so I am always asked first as we don't.
It's dp mum and sister so don't really feel like we can ask for money. Its takes so long to get out the house now in the day and at night i like to settle down and do nothing with my dp and ds1&2. I only hear off mil when she wants something so AIBU to ignore her phone call or message and then put my phone on silent.

laugh incredulously: "Seriously?! hahaha, you are too funny, MIL. I am home with a newborn! I'm not a taxi service."

Tell your DP to handle the calls (surely she isn't calling your phone, is she) and leave you out of it. does he have a disability that precludes driving? if not, he can learn if he wants to cater to them.

If you can't handle the confrontations right now, tell them the car is in for repairs. Or that you have lent it to a friend.

Don't, whatever you do, suggest that you may be able to start giving lifts again in a few weeks or months, or they'll never leave you alone. Just tell them you can't give lifts, full stop, and suggest they organise driving lessons.

Don't just keep giving in until you get overwhelmed with suppressed crossness/frustration and snap at them. Much better to set your boundaries in an assertive, friendly way.

So, when they say, 'when you've got time can you take me shopping to fill my freezer', you say, 'that may be a long time, you'll probably be better doing an online order'

Is your DH supportive? Why has he let you get into the position of giving them lifts? He should be saying to them that it's been very nice of you, but they shouldn't ask any more as you have a lot on your plate (and will do for the next 20 years!) When they come round in the evening, your DH should say early on that he'll walk them to the bus stop when they go, or something similar, that precludes them hanging on hopefully for a lift.

I am a non-driver (medical reasons) myself, so I sympathise with them for the difficulties our car-oriented society presents. But I'd hate to have someone offering me lifts who is privately resenting it, and would much rather they didn't.

If they want a lift for one-off type reasons - e.g. a medical appointment in a difficult location, how about making it a reciprocal-type situation. For example: 'Yes, I might be able to switch things around to do that. Could you help me out by looking after the baby on Wednesday evening while I do xxxx (or whatever is actually helpful for you, obvs'.

Sometimes other mums are v. helpful to me by taking one of my DC to a party or similar that I couldn't manage without a car. I always make sure I reciprocate by doing something different which IS within my power, and helps them out.

I bumped my car twice due to baby sleep deprivation (dp works away). Tell then your too tired and keep repeating

You need to say no directly. 'No, sorry, I'm too tired.' Is honest and clear.

Congratulations by the way! I cannot believe the cheek of some people.

Tell dp to help her do an online shop

Driving lessons are a no no for mil as she barely has enough money for basics. I feel like I'd be going off topic if I said anymore but let's just say, she's a everything is always everyone else's fault and she's 'entitled' to everything kind of person if you get what I mean. Not the way I've been bought up at all.
I have been guilty in the past of saying sorry I'm busy today but I can tomorrow. Then when tomorrow comes I'd wished if of done it the day before.
Yes she rings my phone, not to see how kids and baby Is though, just for the favour.
Don't be silly they wouldn't expect me to leave work, just help them out after straight after a night or 12 hour shift.
I'm actually making myself quite angry that I've allowed this. Seeing it written down has made me realise how selfish they've been.

"Are you busy?"

"Yes, I'm always busy. I'd suggest a bus or taxi or asking another family member or friend".

They have been/are being selfish. I don't have a car and I arrange things round that fact - and pay for petrol on the very very rare occasion where I might have to ask family or friends for a driving favour. It sounds as if they're treating you as a patsy I'm afraid.

"I only hear off mil when she wants something"
So just NEVER answer the phone if it's her. Because she'll be wanting something.

Not driving is no reason for expecting someone else to be your personal unpaid chauffeur.

"can you take me shopping cuz my freezer is empty" - that made me think of my lovely aunt. She doesn't drive, never has; but she does know how to ring for a taxi, which is what she ALWAYS did when she went shopping. She said it might seem like an extravagance but it's cheaper than running a car and nicer than the bus. (Luffs my aunty.)

If you really don't want to tell her, then your husband must. And it must be made clear to MIL and SIL that they won't just not be getting lifts for the next day or two, but for the foreseeable future. They can go back to buses, (or taxis).

Jonsnow you sound lovely. I'm afraid she's very self centred and I don't even think she realises how unreasonable she is being.
I'm more tolerant of the sil as she has medical problems. She will say she's coming to see us and then text to say she's ready to be picked up. Doesn't even ask.
Dp has medical problems too so he can't drive. I worked hard, sometimes 60 hours a week, to be able to afford to learn to drive and buy my car. It seems mil thinks it's her car too

The 'calling you first' thing says everything you need to know. I have a couple of friends who sometimes do childcare for me. I always call the one first who will take money. Because she benefits, I benefit and there's no guilt. The one who won't take money gets a bottle of wine or whatever but I feel too guilty to ask much. Your MIL is a cheap taker.

Your immediate family needs you right know. Look after yourself and stop enabling selfish lazy people. Sniff the baby for me. But only if it's convenient.

Wow. Just say no firmly. Why should you do them Like this forever?

This may be why caller ID was invented. Don't answer her calls.

Look, if it would help, swap phones with me. I hardly ever answer mine, i think of it for outgoing calls only, for things i need. No one ever calls me on mine (i answer email ) and promise never to answer her calls. Sorted.

"Sorry, I can't take you shopping, but could you pick up x and y for me when you go? Thanks"

I'm flabbergasted that they are asking so soon after you had a baby though suspect they've got used to you giving them lifts. Just stop answering the phone and get dp to tell them that you're knackered. And/or midwife has said you can't do it, which she probably would say if you told her!

But presumably you're now off work for up to a year so you need to nip it in the bud now other than occasional emergencies.

I love Jux's response!

Congratulations, OP!

I would say "No, I can't".
Or you could start with "No, I'm afraid I can't".
Or if that feels too 'much' then start with "No, I'm sorry. I can't".

You want to eventually not have to apologise for saying No because there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

You really do Not need to a give a reason either. You shouldn't have to.

I say this as someone who wasn't as assertive as I would have liked after the birth of my first and now I absolutely intend on being more assertive.

Start as you mean to go. I wouldn't bother ignoring them because they'll just keep calling/texting. And once you say No, they'll quickly learn.

Wot Jux said

Will they take no for an answer because it seems to me that is the problem? I don't think you'd have a problem having this conversation with a reasonable person who isn't expecting you to ferry them around a week after giving birth . Just as well you aren't still in hospital OP .

A reasonable person in response to you telling them your busy would probably say "Never mind. Perhaps see you next week?" blah blah blah. In fact a reasonable person wouldn't be asking this of you at all one week after giving birth so you wouldn't need this conversation. Can your DP have this conversation with them? They are his family after all.

Just keep remembering you are not being unreasonable. They are.

Er, no way. They sound incredibly rude. I wouldn't be asking someone with a newborn baby for anything! Except whether they needed anything.

Btw, if you're talking about FB you can change your settings so you don't show online.

The passive aggressive approach...

Change your phone/answerphone to:

"Hello, MumFairyTaxis is now closed for business. Please contact MumFairyTaxiTownBusCompany for public transport information - thank you"

An online shoppind delivery pass would be a great present: MIL would be able to save money bargain-hunting and meal-planning, and it would tie her down (no lifts needed!) for the half an hour or so she's waiting in for shopping. I've had pharmacy goods through my online shop, and even plates, so it's a versatile gift!

Youth how do you do that? I've tried but can't do it.

That is definitely her birthday present, thanks for the idea.

I need to remember I'm a grown woman with 3 children and they come first. If I want to enjoy my maternity leave and baby then I can't be scared to pick the phone up incase it's them.
I've spoke to dp and next time they ask he's going to say no and to not ask unless it's an emergency. I'd rather wait until they ask in the hope they don't ask again and then no conversation is needed. I won't hold my breath though.
I've been sat thinking while baby was asleep and mil is always saying how I do too much and need to rest more but that obviously slips her mind when it's something she wants. Time to toughen up.

They sound very selfish, don't do it.

Your dp needs to tell them no. Where are their partners/spouses?