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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to keep giving lifts

98 replies

themumfairy · 29/01/2016 13:22

Baby is now a little over a week but some family members seem to have forgotten this. I had about 2 days rest before dp family starting asking for favours. Pick them up and take them home after they've been to see baby. Pop over and drop something off that they'd left at ours when visiting. Oh and take them and their animal to the vets to name a few.
There are only 2 of us in the family that drive and the other person asks for petrol money for these errands so I am always asked first as we don't.
It's dp mum and sister so don't really feel like we can ask for money. Its takes so long to get out the house now in the day and at night i like to settle down and do nothing with my dp and ds1&2. I only hear off mil when she wants something so AIBU to ignore her phone call or message and then put my phone on silent.

OP posts:

FairiesAreReal · 29/01/2016 13:52

Just say you are extremely tired at the moment, due to baby, so you won't be able to give anymore lifts selfish pigs

cozietoesie · 29/01/2016 13:53

I'm not sure it's such a good idea to upfront a reason right away, Two. You don't need to get into discussions about this sort of thing and presenting reasons right away just leads to persuasion in this sort of situation. These aren't reasonable people.

girlywhirly · 29/01/2016 13:55

You tell them that you are not safe to drive so soon after having the baby. With all the sleep deprivation and hormonal disruption you really aren't. I think your relatives are incredibly entitled. You can start to wean them off asking for lifts by answering yes whenever they ask if you're busy, NO when they ask could you drive us to wherever.

I didn't feel safe to drive until gone 3 wks after DS was born.

LaurieFairyCake · 29/01/2016 13:57

Got a better one than my last

"The health visitor says I shouldn't be driving while tired as it's dangerous. So don't ask me until I'm not tired. That will be in about 9 months, maybe" tinkly laugh.

expatinscotland · 29/01/2016 13:57

Need to stop giving them lifts. Tell them the HV warned you off it for weeks. You are far too tired. And start charging them petrol money.

comingintomyown · 29/01/2016 13:58

"You know I've been happy to give lifts in the past but I can't anymore because I'm knackered and tied up with the baby"

Do not at any point use the word sorry

EponasWildDaughter · 29/01/2016 13:59

coming wins it for me. That IS what you should say.

I'd love to be that assertive

Jessbow · 29/01/2016 14:01

...And if they are in your living room, make a point of putting little one in his cot upstairs so you cannot possibly get him up again to give them a lift home, he wont settle again. ( even if you only leave him up there 5 mins until you have reminded them the bus goes in 5 mins)

How very selfish of them.

MrsGrumpyG · 29/01/2016 14:06

Just be straight but polite with them, next time they message 'are you busy?' Reply back 'yes I am, hope everything is okay' Then when message asking for a lift just
'I really can't at the minute, am shattered with the newborn. To be fair it's probably better you make other arrangements from now on as in a few weeks I'll hopefully be getting into a bit of a routine and joining some groups to get us out more so it's going to be more tricky to drop things to help, I'm sure you remember what it's like! You could try (taxi firm) if your stuck, I hear their rates are reasonable. Look forward to seeing you on (whenever!) you'll be amazed how much baby has changed already...'

Original poster

themumfairy · 29/01/2016 14:06

I really don't like confrontation as you may have worked out but I think when I do finally flip I'll look like the bad one and quite possibly psycho so I think your right. Polite but firm.
If it was a hospital appointment or something important of course I wouldn't mind but i think because I've done it before then she kind of expects it now and when dp says no then she feels put out. This is 55+ year old woman.
When I do see her then she's lovely and I enjoy her visits which is why I don't want to cause animosity but I need to put my sled first for once.
It's true, being nice gets you nowhere

OP posts:

honeyroar · 29/01/2016 14:07

What a strange family that none of them drive, including your OH. I'd be buying driving lesson vouchers for all of them every birthday and Xmas until they got the hint!

MeridianB · 29/01/2016 14:08

Am really shocked, OP. They are so selfish. You are too nice.

As others have said, this time is so precious, whether with LO or resting. You shouldn't be doing anything for anyone other than you and your baby.

I really hope you get them off your case. If they make their own way over to visit, make sure you have a cab number written down to give them when it's time to leave.

And congratulations!

cozietoesie · 29/01/2016 14:08

Crikey, Honey. Have you seen how much driving lessons cost these days?

MaxPepsi · 29/01/2016 14:09

"You know I've been happy to give lifts in the past but I can't anymore because I'm knackered and tied up with the baby"

And tag on, if I do ever feel able to start again I will be charging for petrol too.

MrsGrumpyG · 29/01/2016 14:10

Saying 'no that isn't possible' isn't confrontation-if your in-laws decide to take issue with it then it is their issue to deal with not yours. Think of it this way, they aren't thinking about what's best for you or the pressure your under as a new mum so why should you be going out of your way to put their needs ahead of your own?

There is no need for you to do that, take control, 'no' is a very short but empowering word-don't be afraid to use it.

MistressDeeCee · 29/01/2016 14:13

Lazy users. They must have used public transport before you were on the scene, so they can use it now, can't they. There's also the fact that you WILL be tired with a newborn and if there was an accident, what then? You've been given many ways to say No on this thread so, use one asap

hellsbellsmelons · 29/01/2016 14:14

Give it a week or so more of sleep deprivation and you will hopefully say
'Are you fucking joking? Piss off and sort yourself out. I have a new baby and don't need this crap so don't ask me again because next time I won't be so polite'

honeyroar · 29/01/2016 14:14

Cozie it was a slightly tongue in cheek answer. I would just buy one lesson each birthday or Xmas for them, no other presents ever, until they got the hint!

MeridianB · 29/01/2016 14:15

"Think of it this way, they aren't thinking about what's best for you or the pressure your under as a new mum so why should you be going out of your way to put their needs ahead of your own?"

This is spot on.

And why should your newborn be in and out of the house and car seat so often when he can be relaxed and cosy at home.

I wish I could give them a piece of my mind.

RumBabaPudding · 29/01/2016 14:16

If you really can't avoid it, turn up late every time.

ratspeaker · 29/01/2016 14:17

Them- are you busy
You- yes
Them - I want a lift
You- dont reply as you are busy, whether that is looking after baby, feeding baby, showering, sleeping, eating, enjoying a wee cuddle with baby...it doesn't matter you don't need to explain or justify.
I'm astonished you are running after them with a tiny baby, they should be running after you.

Original poster

themumfairy · 29/01/2016 14:18

I do tend to take on everyone's problems as my own and had I knew that she wanted a lift yday as it was raining I would of no doubt gave in. I'm so glad I ignored the call and didn't know. That is my own fault though and something I need to address myself. Other people's problems aren't my own. My new mantra.
Your right she is very self entitled.
Grumpy I like your message, I will use that. Firm but not in an aggressive way.

OP posts:

DinosaursRoar · 29/01/2016 14:21

"No, I've had no sleep and I'm really not fit to drive. I'm really not going to be fit to give anyone lifts anywhere until the baby is sleeping through." (then just lie baby isn't sleeping through until 2.5, unless you have a DC like mine, who really isn't sleeping through at 2.5, and then you have my sympathies.)

If pushed, "look, it's the same effect as drinking alcahol, would you push someone who said they weren't fit to drive due to drinking to give you a lift anyway? It's hard to understand if you aren't a driver, but I'd be dangerous on the roads in this state. Other people might do it, but I'm not prepared to take the risk."

It's not that you don't want to, it's that you can't. They might think you are being all PFB, but not a cow.

cozietoesie · 29/01/2016 14:21

Look at it this way as well, OP. At the moment you have a job - a 24/7 one in fact. Would they expect you to leave eg an office if you were there in order to run them about?

Original poster

themumfairy · 29/01/2016 14:28

I feel like a nasty mil basher haha. But she has no thought at all about us. She lives by herself and has seem to forgotten that a family has a different routine. Evenings are taken up with homework, dinner, baths and bedtimes. Then relax time. And now we have a newborn 'me time' is usually after the last feed at 11 pm.
Yes they used buses before I came along.
Thinking about it though, they both tend to not go out much. They don't tend to guilt trip me but they'll say things like when your not too busy can you take me shopping cuz my freezer is empty. I let that get to me when I shouldn't.
My dad is exactly the same and is often out helping people move, mowing people's grass etc even after a long week at work. I tell him exactly what you are all saying so it's time I take my own advice.

OP posts:

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