My DMum and her dog...

[elportodelgato]

Ugh, I need some quick advice...

My DMum is retired, lives very close to us and provides us with childcare for our 2 DC, one night a week after school, and occasionally other times, including having them overnight perhaps once a month. She also lets us borrow her car once in a while - by prior arrangement and we contribute to the running costs of the car depending on how much we've used it. This is just background!

We are insanely grateful for her support, of course, and the kids love having her nearby.

So DMum recently got herself a little dog, very sweet little thing, not yappy, affectionate and well-behaved with the DC and the DC ADORE it. At first, when the dog was a puppy, we understood that she needed to keep it with her at all times, but the dog is older now (around 9mo) and DMum is still extremely reluctant to leave it home alone for any real length of time (eg: will put it into doggy daycare if she has to go out for anything longer than about 3 hours). She's insanely attached to the little beast and it does make her very happy.

However, DH has an issue with the dog being in our house quite as much as it is. We have a cat which gets stressed when the dog is around, the dog chews things, and has also wee'd on the floor and (once) on one of the DCs beds, plus she lets it up on the sofas. We are not dog people at all, the house is not set up for a dog, and we really (if we're honest) would prefer not to have a dog about the place. DH in classic DH-blundering way has now raised this with my DMum and has upset her - she says the dog comes wherever she goes, end of. And also feels like we're trying to make her choose between seeing the DGC and being with the dog. We feel the dog should be able to be left at her house if she's only coming to ours for a few hours - obviously with exceptions if she is coming for longer periods - but we don't like the assumption that we're OK with having a dog about the place and the situation just seems to have evolved...

So please tell me if we are being unreasonable, ungracious, freeloading idiots who should suck it up and put up with the dog, OR if we are within our rights to say 'our house, our rules' in these circs? I am genuinely confused and am seeing my DMum tonight...

The dog is also upsetting OP's cats. It chews things and climbs on the furniture. DM should have asked before taking the dog to OP's house and agreed to either leaving it at home or caging it.

Neither OP or her DH likes dogs. What sort of person thinks it's ok to take a dog into a cat owning household?

I know it's your dh's house too, but there has been no compromise here, just either the dog goes all over the house and slobbers on the sofa or it doesn't come at all. I don't have dogs because I can't be bothered with taking care of them but even I think this is a bit mean and is basically excluding your Mum from a big and regular area of the children's lives.

I do feel sorry for you, OP. Also especially sorry for your DMum. It's a very upsetting situation for you both. Also I am very glad that she has got her little dog for extra comfort and closeness, because sadly I think this change may be the catalyst of a 'shift' in the relationship between your DMum and your family unit.

I see that you and your DH have now decided to definitely put your children into after school club on that day. I'm interested ... so may I ask again ... will your DH then be able to take time off work on days when that doesn't work out? For example, through illness, if one of the children cannot go or needs collected early.

I do have to say, that I do agree with other posters, who say that you and your DH have (possibly irretrievably and certainly rather carelessly, in my opinion) damaged what sounds like a very special relationship.

By the way, I don't think there's anything wrong with putting some limits on what the dog can do- so not going upstairs, being in a crate (if it likes that) or whatever. But leaving puppies under a year for several hours isn't such a great idea.

I think it's a shame your mum got backed into a corner too, whereas over time she may well have seen it's fine to leave the dog for short periods and have worked up to that.

Why does it matter if she is 'intertwined'? She's part of your family. She only comes once a week! I think this is such a shame, and for what? To stop your husband being nasty to her even more, basically.

^^This

If it's well behaved why is it weeing or was it a one off on the floor and bed? Keep it out of DCs rooms and separate it from the cat. There is definitely a compromise here.

And ^^this

I feel so sorry for your mum, and you - this is going to dent your relationship a bit, and I think it's very sad that it's made you think your life is too intertwined with your mum's. Isn't that what family is about? Years ago, families lived close together, stayed close, supported each other throughout their lives, and it was considered normal, not something to be fixed. Your mum has gotten her wee dog as a companion, and he brings her much happiness, but now because of your DH's hang-ups it's actually making you decide to go further and distance yourself from your mum's help and company.

I agree with others, the only person who is going to benefit out of all this is your DH, since he gets his way. I'm sure your kids will be fine in after school, but your mum will be hurt, and it must be hurting you to upset her. Very sad all around, over a largely well behaved wee pooch who makes your mum happy.

And finally ^^this.

Good job your mum has got the dog as she won't be seeing so much of you or her grandchildren.

And [she] also feels like we're trying to make her choose between seeing the DGC and being with the dog.

You are.

So please tell me if we are being unreasonable, ungracious, freeloading idiots who should suck it up and put up with the dog,

You are.

If I were your mum I would be hurt and then angry. She's done a lot for you and you're throwing it back.

Hope you don't need the car anytime soon...

What a load of crap. OP's mum is only having to choose because she has decided that the dog must be with her 24/7. That's not normal btw - the vast majority of dog owners manage to separate from their pets for a couple of hours at a time.

It is also not standard practice to take your dog to other people's houses when you visit for a couple of hours. I have about a dozen friends with dogs, not one of them does this.

It is perfectly normal and fine not to want other people's pets in your house.

Exactly what Nanny0gg said!

hostinthemaking re: your bil... I don't blame him! I wouldn't have gone somewhere for xmas lunch without my dog, either. We rarely go anywhere where the dog is not welcome as she has separation anxiety and gets very distressed when left. Doesn't really bother me - if people want to see me then they can come and visit me.

OP's mum is only having to choose because she has decided that the dog must be with her 24/7.

Do you have dogs? don't personally have dogs, but plenty of people who do have said on this thread that under a year old they should not be left at all, and after a year the max is 4 hours.

I agree with all the quotes NannyOgg picked out too.

Your poor Mum. She can come to mine any day of the week and bring her darling DPup with her - she'll have a great time but somehow I suspect she would prefer to be spending time with her grandchildren at theirs.

On the upside, your P will be able to show how good a parent he is when he steps up to fill the void, work from home on the days when the kids are sick or bus them to the doctors even (yeah right ), because you can kiss borrowing the car goodbye

YABU. I can't believe you are prepared to hurt your mum for the sake of having a small, non-yappy, well behaved dog that your DC adore in your house for a few hours a week.

I really hope your after school club has space for you one day a week . And that your DH is happy to go and collect them on time you get fined if you are late and could lost your place . Also hope your kids like and behavior there other wise they will be out.
Oh how kind of you to let your DM do sleepovers free all night babysitting . Don't be surprised if she says no.

And all the bad behaviour mentioned by the dog is completely normal for a puppy. A puppy is a canine child. Like human children, they make mistakes and do things a normal adult wouldn't do. You'd make allowances for the behaviour of a human child and expect it to improve, wouldn't you? I very much doubt the chewing etc will carry on indefinitely; also most dogs and cats will rub along ok with time and patience if they see each other regularly and especially if the cat has the upper hand: there is no need for them to be enemies in most cases. I'm another one who think this is a real shame and who feels really sorry for your poor mum.

I wonder how many of the dog owners on this thread also own cats. I love dogs, grew up with a dog who died when she reached the ripe old age of 17. I understand dogs cannot be left for hours on end and I also understand that they're very much a part of the family. But I do get very annoyed with the attitude of some dog owners that they cannot be separated for even short amounts of time and the expectation that they can take their dogs anywhere - including cat owners' houses! My sisters and sister in law all have dogs. We tried allowing one dog to our house and within 5 mins it had scared the cat shitless, eaten its food and wrecked the kids' paddling pool. So we decided no dogs at ours in future. I think this is perfectly reasonable and actually they all understand and respect our wishes.

Op you do need to tread carefully as your mum is helping you out a lot. But I do think you're perfectly within your rights to lay down some ground rules in your house.

Don't think this is an issue about a dog..red herring.

Reading between the lines: Your Husband thinks your Mum is too 'intertwined' in your lives.

Poor Woman, no longer useful now the children are old enough for after school club.

Shame.
for op's mother

It's not that we want a blanket ban on the dog, more that we don't like the assumption that the dog comes round every time

So you don't really mind the dog coming round, just on your terms? Under what circumstances can she bring it? She can bring it when you say so, but not when she's doing you a favour. You (or your DH) sound very controlling. This doesn't really sound like its an issue with the dog, but with childcare. What a shame for your mum and your kids. No wonder your mum is very upset, I feel very sorry for her.

I'm thinking the dog would have been much less of a problem a few years ago when childcare requirements were much lengthier and more expensive and the sheer drudgery and stress that is providing childcare for small children was more apparent. I think the dog would have been made welcome then or at least your husband would have curbed his inclination to Put His Foot Down.

OP you sound like you've come to a sensible decision, a bit of compromise all round, and your DC get to do something they've been asking to do, the after school club.
I will now make my pointless views as you've already worked this out

Why does her new dog trump your established family cats? It's quite possible that your cats would fuck off and never come back if they feel their home isn't safe. How much would that upset your DC losing their own pets? Your Mum has been very selfish putting you in this position, it was clear that in buying the most demanding of pets would cause problems. Especially as she expects your family to make all the changes and she is not prepared to compromise at all. Cats, budgies, rabbits, hamsters, so many other animals can keep you company and not be so demanding. And she's using your DC to emotionally blackmail you into getting her way. She's lucky you still wanted to find a compromise.

She's lucky you still wanted to find a compromise.

Of course they did!

Babysitting and car borrowing! (which I accept they pay for but it still saves them thousands).

If a friend with a dog comes to my house, the cats make themselves scarce (same as they do with the DGC, whom they hate more!)

THe OP's mum had every right to get a dog. In my view (and I've always had cats) they are far more of a companion. And the walking is good for you.

It's not normal to expect to take your dog to someone's house. Especially if they have cats.

I know the dog lovers of mumsnet would love to pretend this isn't true, but it is.

Your mum will have to come up with a solution for the dog. That's just part of dog ownership surely?

I think YABU but for slightly different reasons to everyone else.

Your Mum lives alone and has bought a dog for company. He gives her company and comfort.
The kids like the dog.

DC is pushing his Mum away from himself and the kids using the dog as an excuse. "too intertwined" my arse.

Let her have her damn dog, she doesnt get much love from anyone else.
Put a stairgate up to keep him off the beds.

I have had cats and dogs together and with a relaxed introduction and making sure everyone has their own safe space I have never had a problem,

Just takes a little time and patience. I doubt I left my puppy until she was at least 2 years old. Your DMs dog is still a puppy. How long did you allow your own children to potty train until your dh "put his foot down." Why do you think puppies are any different to babies.
What happens to your cat when she gets a little old and infirm and has difficulty using a litter tray but is happy in herself wandering around the house and the garden. Will your dh "put his foot down." and have her PTS.

Having read the thread there seems to be a lot of take on your part but no real give. What happens at things like Christmas, is your dm now banned from coming to your house ?

From someone who has no one for support or childcare I suggest you think long and hard at what you are doing as even the most planned events can suddenly get altered

I'm going against the grain here.

Your mum got a dog - fine her choice.

However you and DH didn't. I don't see that the childcare she does entitles her to call the shots on having a dog in your house or not.

This dilemma is the result of the mum getting a dog - nothing the OP or her DH have done.

I would point blank refuse to have a dog in my home (and have done so).

Dog lovers in my experience are totally blinkered when it comes to their pets. Yes I can see they are a "family member" to you, but don't expect me to feel the same way about your (usually) slobbering, yappy, stinky, filthy fur ball.

Your DH is NBU in my book.

The dog is sweet and gentile

What's religion got to do with it?

Regardless of how you proceed, your husband owes her an apology. A lonely older woman gets a pet for companionship and he makes her feel bad about it just because of a little temporary inconvenience when she is coming over to do free babysitting? Unbelievable.

I would not be speaking to anyone who would do this to my mother, frankly. Sounds like little more than a power play on your husband's part, frankly. What else does he criticize about your mother?