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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DMum and her dog...

100 replies

elportodelgato · 28/01/2016 15:58

Ugh, I need some quick advice...

My DMum is retired, lives very close to us and provides us with childcare for our 2 DC, one night a week after school, and occasionally other times, including having them overnight perhaps once a month. She also lets us borrow her car once in a while - by prior arrangement and we contribute to the running costs of the car depending on how much we've used it. This is just background!

We are insanely grateful for her support, of course, and the kids love having her nearby.

So DMum recently got herself a little dog, very sweet little thing, not yappy, affectionate and well-behaved with the DC and the DC ADORE it. At first, when the dog was a puppy, we understood that she needed to keep it with her at all times, but the dog is older now (around 9mo) and DMum is still extremely reluctant to leave it home alone for any real length of time (eg: will put it into doggy daycare if she has to go out for anything longer than about 3 hours). She's insanely attached to the little beast and it does make her very happy.

However, DH has an issue with the dog being in our house quite as much as it is. We have a cat which gets stressed when the dog is around, the dog chews things, and has also wee'd on the floor and (once) on one of the DCs beds, plus she lets it up on the sofas. We are not dog people at all, the house is not set up for a dog, and we really (if we're honest) would prefer not to have a dog about the place. DH in classic DH-blundering way has now raised this with my DMum and has upset her - she says the dog comes wherever she goes, end of. And also feels like we're trying to make her choose between seeing the DGC and being with the dog. We feel the dog should be able to be left at her house if she's only coming to ours for a few hours - obviously with exceptions if she is coming for longer periods - but we don't like the assumption that we're OK with having a dog about the place and the situation just seems to have evolved...

So please tell me if we are being unreasonable, ungracious, freeloading idiots who should suck it up and put up with the dog, OR if we are within our rights to say 'our house, our rules' in these circs? I am genuinely confused and am seeing my DMum tonight...

OP posts:
PhoenixReisling · 28/01/2016 19:42

No empathy....ok Hmm

If you read my post, I was empathising with the fact that the OP has cats who are most probably stressed out.

Where did I say that the dog should be left for hours...?

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 28/01/2016 19:48

....more with the fact that problem solved! Kids can go to the after school club! Yep, great for the gm who clearly wants to see her gc but now can't because she's caught between her DDog and daughter/son-in-law laying down the law.

rosebiggs · 28/01/2016 19:50

Perhaps the dc don't want to go to after school club either?

NickiFury · 28/01/2016 19:50

"Your house your rules"

Ok then, your kids, you look after them.

ridemesideways · 28/01/2016 19:54

Your house, your rules.

You have a cat, it is not acceptable for her to bring her dog round. No compromise there. The cat will still mind if the dog is crated / gated.

Why should she put her pet's needs above yours? It angers me when people assume cats don't count.

NickiFury · 28/01/2016 20:07

I wouldn't be doing any favours for anyone who behaved that way and refused to look at possibilities for compromise.

DMum presumably on her own and got a dog for companionship. OP lives in her home with a husband and kids (and cat) so plenty of companionship and supportive family around including her Mum who does tons for them.

I am a bit Shock that their appear to be so many hatchet faced people on here that can't see how bad it would be not to find a way to work this out for everyone with all involved compromising a little.

NickiFury · 28/01/2016 20:08

There

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 28/01/2016 20:09

Me too Nicki', are people-aka posters on this thread-so cruel? Hope to fuck my dc don't grow up to be like that.

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone · 28/01/2016 20:49

The dog is very young and not used to being left alone, so sinbu to not want to do so.

But yanbu to not want the dog in your house, but that means you'll have to spend more time together at her house instead

KiwiJude · 28/01/2016 23:20

Oh, I'd forgotten about poor puss getting stressed (we don't have that problem here, our cat had BIL's great dane bailed up against the gate the other day, poor dog was too petrified to move). Maybe you could work it out with your DM that DPup is allowed in certain areas and DPuss has his favourite haunts where he can have peace and quiet?

poorpaws · 29/01/2016 00:45

OMG my poor daughter. I've got THREE dogs and I won't go anywhere without them! I also provide some childcare for my granddaughter but I'd refuse to do it if my dogs weren't welcome.

hostinthemaking · 29/01/2016 00:52

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/the_doghouse/2519008-Do-you-take-your-dog-to-other-peoples-houses this is how my thread went. Sorry for hijack but culminated in BIL not coming for Christmas dinner as dog wasn't allowed to come. The dog is 6 years old!

ADishBestEatenCold · 29/01/2016 01:18

"I think DH feels we would all benefit from a scenario where we pay for the regular weekly childcare we need"

Your DH feels you would all benefit. Including your DMum who has been so very good to you all? I don't really understand what benefit there is for her in this.

If your DH thinks that it would be best if you paid for your DC to attend After School care, because he doesn't want your DMum's dog in your house, will he be able to take time off work on days when that doesn't work out? If one of your DC is unwell, for example, and has to be taken home early. Or would that kind of thing never have fallen to your DMum anyway?

Alisvolatpropiis · 29/01/2016 01:29

Feel quite sorry for your mum, to be honest.

StayWithMe · 29/01/2016 01:33

I'm glad your children are, now, old enough to go after school club, so you can force your poor mum to choose. Sorry to be harse OP, but what would you have done if your mum got the dog before your kids were still too young for club?

I take it you will no longer be borrowing her car, after all she lets her dog in it?

StayWithMe · 29/01/2016 01:35

when your kids

MerryMarigold · 29/01/2016 11:13

"I think DH feels we would all benefit from a scenario where we pay for the regular weekly childcare we need"

Yes, Adish makes a good point. Who is benefiting here?
The kids? Not really, they love the dog and your Dmum. They probably will not love afterschool club nearly as much.
Your Dmum? Not really, she loves your kids, spending time with them/ connecting with them, watching them love her dog - and she probably loves being able to support you.
You? I am not sure entirely how you stand on this, but I don't think it will be beneficial to your relationship with your Mum, so not really you.
Him? Well, yes.

Nuff said.

RidersOnTheStorm · 29/01/2016 11:23

Your DH went about it the wrong way but agree that the dog shouldn't be in your house if you and the cats don't want it there.

I don't like dogs and no one would dream of bringing a dog to our house.

Original poster
elportodelgato · 29/01/2016 11:41

Hi, and thanks for all the responses, DH and I spent some time going through the thread last night which was really helpful.

My poor DMum is really upset and I wish I wasn't in this position tbh.

Anyway, the solution we have come up with is to put the kids into after school club that one day (for those asking, my kids have been angling to go to after school club for ages as loads of their mates go) but make sure we arrange to spend other time with my mum at weekends and for her to have the kids at her place, perhaps for more sleepovers. It's not that we want a blanket ban on the dog, more that we don't like the assumption that the dog comes round every time.

I have to say that were it just my decision I would have left it as it is, but DH has strong feelings which I do need to consider as its his house to. It's also a bit tied up with a bigger question about how much we rely on my mum (too much I think) and how intertwined our lives are with hers (again, too much possibly). It's a tricky balance as of course we love her very much.

OP posts:
HPsauciness · 29/01/2016 11:41

I think this is wrongly characterized as a debate about 'childcare' but really, it's not about that, the OP can afford to pay for after-school care- it's about building a lovely enduring relationship between your Mum and your children which will go on for decades!

It's so fantastic to have a Mum who is involved, sees the children weekly, introducing them to dogs, lending you the car, just being there for you. Many people on MN would kill for this as they are on their own or have disinterested parents.

This loving relationship is priceless, and you may have cause to regret it if you spoil this now, what if you needed, through illness or disability, her help and her car more?!

I am not a doggy person, but even I could cope with one small dog in the house for a few hours after school- and it is great for the children as well, you don't to have a dog yourself, they get to learn how to be around dogs, how to socialize with them, walk it (so doing exercise)- the only problem is the youth of the dog/its behaviour.

Just have a quick chat with her, say what your DH said came out wrong, all you wanted was for the dog not to go upstairs and for a mat to be put on the sofa.

I cannot imagine telling my mum, after all she has done for me, that I was effectively getting rid of her for childcare when really everyone is happy with the situation except your DH. I would tell him to back off, not her, and let the dog come around once a week, it's hardly living at yours.

HPsauciness · 29/01/2016 11:46

I see my advice wasn't heeded. I think it's a mistake. I think its clear your mum comes with the dog now. I think it's quite pathetic your husband can't tolerate a dog for such a short amount of time.

Basically your husband has put his foot down and you have to fall behind it. I would be giving my husband a long and loud lecture about how much my mum had done for my family (which I have done before now) and then carried on as before because no-one tells me my mum can't visit my house.

Why does it matter if she is 'intertwined'? She's part of your family. She only comes once a week! I think this is such a shame, and for what? To stop your husband being nasty to her even more, basically.

Now you have decided what to do, you can put a good spin on it and tell her you want to see her more at weekends (but what will she do with the dog then? I don't see how this solves anything) and for the kids to stay over. I'm sure she will know the truth of the matter, however, but I bet she is a a nice mum that will stay quiet and continue to support your family.

YaySirNaySir · 29/01/2016 11:46

Yabu, although it sounds like you are trying to be reasonable. Its about give and take and your Dc will grow up more tolerant of pet dogs than your Dh is.
He would rather put dc in childcare?! Hibvu.
If it's well behaved why is it weeing or was it a one off on the floor and bed? Keep it out of DCs rooms and separate it from the cat. There is definitely a compromise here.

BarbarianMum · 29/01/2016 12:03

I think people that won't go anywhere without their dogs are a bit obsessive. And as is pointed out on many, many threads it is perfectly possible for grandparents to build a good relationship with their grandchildren without providing regular childcare.

But I also think it is perfectly reasonable not to want other people's pets in your house.

gotthemoononastick · 29/01/2016 12:08

OP,I fear the damage is done and it will not be possible to find a way back to the 'easy days'.
Your DH has shown his true feelings (nothing wrong with this) about her beloved pet in his home and she will choose....
Older people withdraw from stressful situations.No matter how much she loves your children,the effort will become too much.
Sad...

blueribbons · 29/01/2016 12:09

I feel so sorry for your mum, and you - this is going to dent your relationship a bit, and I think it's very sad that it's made you think your life is too intertwined with your mum's. Isn't that what family is about? Years ago, families lived close together, stayed close, supported each other throughout their lives, and it was considered normal, not something to be fixed. Your mum has gotten her wee dog as a companion, and he brings her much happiness, but now because of your DH's hang-ups it's actually making you decide to go further and distance yourself from your mum's help and company.

I agree with others, the only person who is going to benefit out of all this is your DH, since he gets his way. I'm sure your kids will be fine in after school, but your mum will be hurt, and it must be hurting you to upset her. Very sad all around, over a largely well behaved wee pooch who makes your mum happy.