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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My DMum and her dog...

100 replies

elportodelgato · 28/01/2016 15:58

Ugh, I need some quick advice...

My DMum is retired, lives very close to us and provides us with childcare for our 2 DC, one night a week after school, and occasionally other times, including having them overnight perhaps once a month. She also lets us borrow her car once in a while - by prior arrangement and we contribute to the running costs of the car depending on how much we've used it. This is just background!

We are insanely grateful for her support, of course, and the kids love having her nearby.

So DMum recently got herself a little dog, very sweet little thing, not yappy, affectionate and well-behaved with the DC and the DC ADORE it. At first, when the dog was a puppy, we understood that she needed to keep it with her at all times, but the dog is older now (around 9mo) and DMum is still extremely reluctant to leave it home alone for any real length of time (eg: will put it into doggy daycare if she has to go out for anything longer than about 3 hours). She's insanely attached to the little beast and it does make her very happy.

However, DH has an issue with the dog being in our house quite as much as it is. We have a cat which gets stressed when the dog is around, the dog chews things, and has also wee'd on the floor and (once) on one of the DCs beds, plus she lets it up on the sofas. We are not dog people at all, the house is not set up for a dog, and we really (if we're honest) would prefer not to have a dog about the place. DH in classic DH-blundering way has now raised this with my DMum and has upset her - she says the dog comes wherever she goes, end of. And also feels like we're trying to make her choose between seeing the DGC and being with the dog. We feel the dog should be able to be left at her house if she's only coming to ours for a few hours - obviously with exceptions if she is coming for longer periods - but we don't like the assumption that we're OK with having a dog about the place and the situation just seems to have evolved...

So please tell me if we are being unreasonable, ungracious, freeloading idiots who should suck it up and put up with the dog, OR if we are within our rights to say 'our house, our rules' in these circs? I am genuinely confused and am seeing my DMum tonight...

OP posts:

sparechange · 28/01/2016 17:08

I don't know where abouts you live, but dog daycare near me is £25 for a half day or £35 for a full day.
And there is no mention in your OP that you would be prepared to pay these costs for her, so unless that is your intention, YABVVU to think she has to fork out money in order to give you free child care.

I really can't see the problem though. Your cat has to spend a few hours a week out of the house, your DCs get a few hours a week with their gran who they love and her dog who they also love.

It is still a very young puppy, so to have only had 2 accidents in that whole time suggests she is doing a pretty good job with housetraining, and presumably will also tackle the chewing soon. Of course ask her not to let it up onto the sofa, but unless you also don't let your cat onto furniture, it would be a weirdly hypocritical thing to expect.

It is perfectly fine to be 'not dog people', and it is understandable that you don't want a pet dog. But I can't actually see what the harm is in this dog being in the house when you aren't, especially when you factor in all the benefits to you and your DCs from your DM and her dog coming over.

FarrowandBallAche · 28/01/2016 17:21

Her dog her rules.

If you want her minding your DC I say zip it.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 28/01/2016 17:22

Must be awkward. I thought you were going to say the DCs are scared by it or it is totally un-housetrained. I do see why you are finding it difficult though, especially with the family cat already in residence which DM seems to dismiss as a factor.

Btw even if he could have been more tactful, don't think DH was wrong to bring it up - so often spouses grumble but won't speak up to the person concerned.

Free childcare has been a big favour but DM clearly thinks it won't suit her dog being left on his own.

As a compromise if it's possible her dog stays within a particular zone, perhaps that would work.

honeyroar · 28/01/2016 17:40

I think some compromises, as you mentioned OP, would work easily. If I were you I'd cook a dinner for all the family. Apologise to your mum (well your oh should) and ask if you could work out some compromises.

The dog is still very young. It probably gets excited playing with your kids. Teach them to take it outside regularly. As the weather gets better it will be less of a problem. Get a stair gate. We always do this when we get a new dog. That way the cats get their own space (ours often sit right behind the stairgate observing where they feel safe) and can come and go as they please. It also keeps the upstairs dog free and clean. Your mum and children must train the dog not to go on the furniture at your house. It's easy to do with a bit of time. Could you buy a dog bed for the dog to go in when at your house? We always have a comfy dog bed in the living room - if the dog has a comfortable alternative to the settee it will be happier not going on the settee and easier to train out of it..

Wineandchovolateneededasap · 28/01/2016 17:49

If I were providing free childcare I would bring my dog or I wouldn't do it. Yes dogs can be left for up to 4 hours, but not every dog and owners choice if they want to. I personally prefer to take mine places as it wears them out at 9 months it will still be very energetic and if it's left for hours your mum would probably have to come home and walk it after caring for your kids. If it's with her it will be tired and settle.

IloveAntbuthateDec · 28/01/2016 17:56

Your mum provides free child care. You are miffed that she brings her puppy with her to look after your children. Have you ever thought about paying (a pet free) someone to take care of your children?

LineyReborn · 28/01/2016 17:59

The OP has already said they'll use the After School Club. But her DM doesn't want her to.

Hihohoho1 · 28/01/2016 18:06

I do think people underestimate how dear animals can be to lonely people.

Heck I am busy with 4 kids and gc on way and I adore my puppy.

Paranoid now after reading the dog baiting posts

Again op I would get a stair gate, puppy mats and just suck it up.

Hope your dh apologised.

BeStrongAndCourageous · 28/01/2016 18:13

I had this problem with my DM -except hers were two sizeable Staffies that took up most of our living room, leaving no place for the kids to play or anything else.

In the end I did have to have a blunt conversation with her, and make it clear that actually, yes, she did have to decide what was more in important, her dogs' comfort or her daughter's and grandchildren, because the dogs were not welcome in my house except in exceptional circumstances.

She was unhappy about it but came to terms with because she still wants to be able to visit us.

Ameliablue · 28/01/2016 18:18

At 9 months I would still consider the dog a puppy and therefore not leave it alone when not necessary.

NickiFury · 28/01/2016 18:33

I do think you're being unreasonable actually. Your Mum does a lot for you and you have a good close loving relationship. She's added a small relatively unproblematic little dog into the mix, that she loves and makes her really happy and your DH has gone in feet first to moan about it and probably made her feel awful. I fee quite sad for her. Really, is it really that much of a problem?

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 28/01/2016 18:48

Oh no this is sad, your poor mum.

She lives on her own, and is on her own most of the time. She has her new little dog who must be so important to her for the company etc,

Now your Dh is making her chose between her DGC, who she sees regularly but not frequently, and her dog who is always there for her and needs her? What a mean person he is.

Be kind to her OP, and don't make her chose.

MuttonCadet · 28/01/2016 19:03

Your DM looks after your kids free of charge and puts her dog into daycare when necessary to support you.

She sounds lovely. I hope you thank her regularly.

KiwiJude · 28/01/2016 19:05

Gosh how rude of your DH. Happy to take the free babysitting and even though you contribute to running costs of the car you haven't actually had to go out and buy it, insure it, service it and put petrol in it all the time.

Your DM is being a responsible pet owner. There will be no winners if she has to decide between DGC and her DPup.

tillytown · 28/01/2016 19:10

She lives on her own, and is on her own most of the time. She has her new little dog who must be so important to her for the company etc,

Now your Dh is making her chose between her DGC, who she sees regularly but not frequently, and her dog who is always there for her and needs her? What a mean person he is.

Yup, this.

AnUtterIdiot · 28/01/2016 19:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bailey101 · 28/01/2016 19:17

Childcare is never free. Whether it's your kids being fed junk, or not going to bed on time or a boisterous puppy in your house, there's always a price.

Her fear of the dog getting taken is perfectly legitimate. It's less likely if the dog's in the locked up house, but there's been a spate of pet thefts in my area and there's been rumours of baiting being the cause. The police have broken up a couple of dog fighting rings in recent years and I would be very nervous if I had small dogs or outside cats.

Borninthe60s · 28/01/2016 19:20

I think it's give and take, she gives her time freely but you need to take it on her terms. As a compromise tolerate the dog on condition it remains downstairs and off furnishings.

Hihohoho1 · 28/01/2016 19:20

BeStrong

Your post has absolutely no comparison to the ops situation.

One small puppy that loves the children and is sweet and pliable is not 2 large staffies. Guessing your dm doesn't give you free child care either.

TendonQueen · 28/01/2016 19:24

Pretty much no one's thinking of the cats, who might be quite upset at having a dog in their space regularly. And all the 'it's good for children to have pets' posts have overlooked that they already have.

scarlets · 28/01/2016 19:27

You're very lucky to have her, and so is your husband. He should apologise for his ingratitude and churlishness.

At a later date, mention that you don't want the dog on the kids' beds. That's fair enough.

PhoenixReisling · 28/01/2016 19:31

If the OP has said that the children will now go to after school club, what is the issue?

Even if the dog is behind a gate in a cage would the DM like this? She may not agree to that compromise.

Also, some PP are forgetting that the OP has a cat, they can't ignore the needs of their animal.

PhoenixReisling · 28/01/2016 19:33

And yes the DM is looking after the children for free but the OP has already said that they can go to after school club.

However, the DM doesn't want this....

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 28/01/2016 19:35

Pheonix I fear you have no empathy.

LineyReborn · 28/01/2016 19:35

I have a cat that gets stressed if there is any other animal around apart from our other cat - we are talking cystitis and skin problems. Vet bills of £hundreds and more importantly a very unhappy cat.

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