AIBU - MIL comments about SIL

[Tweetypie100]

ok so I realise motherhood is very very hard and takes a lot of work - it is just really really difficult. but - my MIL always makes comments about my SIL like "oh we have to help her out, she has two kids" and "poor girl, I wonder what she's doing at home with two kids?" And "it's so hard for her, you know she has two kids!" to be clear here, i'm not criticising my MIL, who I really like and get along with. it's just that she says it almost everyday!

I just always think ok yes - but loads of other people have kids too! She has a husband and gets a lot of help from family. AIBU to think my MIL is being a little too OTT? She has two kids herself and I know others with three and I don't hear this from them!

it is, not it does. Where is that '30 second edit' facility mnhq!

But zoe why does anyone need or want sympathy for having two children. Surely having children is a good thing.

I am very confused by why so many people don't think this is weird.

Sympathy for specific situations in which having two children is hard is lovely and empathetic, but it's patronising and weird to constantly express pity for somebody simply because they are a parent, it makes it sound as if having children is an awful disease or misfortune which has struck the poor unlucky woman down out of the blue

we have to do a lot of dancing about with "poor SIL" who is always so tired all the time.
she is a student nurse and works about 80hours a month as an HCA. she is off most days and to my mind never seems to do anything. yet every night she is in bed by 9pm as she is exhausted. BIL works around 80-90 hours per week yet it's always Poor SIL who is tired
what she will do when she has her own house to maintain(they live with us), look after a child and hold down a job is anybody's guess...

I hear you! I dislike people who seem to think they are the first person ever to be pregnant with a toddler, or people who think like your MIL "she has two kids, its so hard for her" - its just life! Get on with it!

zoe I agree, my life was incredibly hard when I had 2 under three and now even though I have 3 kids it was harder then. schwab of course it's a good thing, but it doesn't always feel like it, does it? I would have been pretty pissed off if people had kept reminding me how lucky I was to have kids when stuck at home with 2 kids in nappies wanting my constant attention and fighting with each other all the time.

... and this impacts you how?

MIL says this about me to my face!! We're the only ones with more than one child on DH's side since, well his parents tbh and she constantly goes on about how she understands how hard it is with 3 children and a husband who works long hours and how well I cope and how she doesn't know how we manage...
Honestly, I'm glad she's not sat there slagging me off but it niggles at me that she's finding something to pity that doesn't really exist!

I'd hate it if someone went on about me like this.

My husband is an only & I'm 5yrs younger than my sibling & my sibling has one child.

So when I was pregnant with my 2nd & what would be a 22month age gap, mum & MIL were & thinking of all sorts of difficulties.

Mum thought that she'd have to move in for at least two weeks to help!

Luckily I didn't need it, but I did find it annoying that just because they hadn't done it they couldn't conceive of it being doable.

caitlinohara people don't have to constantly remind you how lucky you are or constantly express pity for you though. Most people don't go around telling everyone they feel sorry for people who have 2 kids just because they have 2 kids and for no other reason, just as they don't go around telling people that they are lucky to have them... Having 2 kids is simply a fact, on it's own...

Its as inappropriate to pity you for having two kids as a bald fact, as it is to pity you for having a job or a husband or curly hair or size 7 feet or a brother or parents or any other objective fact which you may or may not be happy about or currently having problems with or currently ecstatic about...

"Poor caitlinohara she's struggling with her curly hair in this humidity" is fine and shows empathy - "poor caitlinohara she has curly hair." is really rather horrible because it suggests people with curly hair are automatically to be pitied. The same goes for "Poor caitlinohara is struggling a bit at the moment with 2 under 3, I will offer to babysit" - that's lovely - or "Poor caitlinohara it can be a real slog being home with 2 under 3 sometimes" ... that's OK too... but "Poor caitlinohara has 2 kids." is actually not very nice - it suggests having 2 kids, in and of itself, is an awful situation you have found yourself in by bad luck or bad judgement and that you and anyone would rather not have 2 kids.

I don't suppose the MIL really means anything by it, but it is a very negative thing to say! It must also be rather irritating as a 3rd party to listen to it over and over again, when it is such an odd sentiment if this is really how it is being expressed - not in the context of some particular difficult phase or situation or whatever.

Truffle, a student nurse will be working on placement full time hours with essays and uni lectures on top of that. She will be failing if she is not doing all of that, it is a tough job and I'm not surprised she's in bed at 9pm most nights!

OP is there any chance SIL is struggling with something that you aren't aware of...depression, anxiety?

Maybe MIL knows something and is trying to rally the troops to support SIL without divulging her personal situation....

My mother is a bit like this and it is OTT, I don't need help on an everyday basis ok occasionally I do need a bit of help for example a babysitter so I can attend a hospital appointment later this week. To hear my mum talk though you would think that I'm pretty incapable and she is having to do everything for me. Should point out that I actually get that much help from her that I haven't even seen her for 3 weeks and that is normal. It's all in her mind.

All we know from the op is that the MIL says the SIL needs help as it's hard doesn't mean the SIL would agree.

My MIL can be like this about my SIL but then again she was like that when she only had one child.
In our case it's because SIL contacts MIL daily and has always been a bit of a princess - no-one ever works as hard as she does, no-one has ever had to look after two children (despite things not being tricky for her at all) etc etc - so it's the squeaky wheel getting the grease.

I would interpret that as your SIL has told MIL she finds parenting a struggle. Some do, some don't. Is she perhaps thinking SIL might need your friendship/support? I'm not great at up subtle hints , and its hard to guess not knowing your. MIL's usual MO..