AIBU - MIL comments about SIL

[Tweetypie100]

ok so I realise motherhood is very very hard and takes a lot of work - it is just really really difficult. but - my MIL always makes comments about my SIL like "oh we have to help her out, she has two kids" and "poor girl, I wonder what she's doing at home with two kids?" And "it's so hard for her, you know she has two kids!" to be clear here, i'm not criticising my MIL, who I really like and get along with. it's just that she says it almost everyday!

I just always think ok yes - but loads of other people have kids too! She has a husband and gets a lot of help from family. AIBU to think my MIL is being a little too OTT? She has two kids herself and I know others with three and I don't hear this from them!

"poor girl, I wonder what she's doing at home with two kids?"

That would bother me if I was the SIL - why pity somebody for having kids unless she was forced to have them against her will If people constantly expressed pity and sympathy for me simply for having 3 kids I would want to see a lot less of that person.

I found 2 kids easy as pie (24 month age gap) but 3 nearly killed me for the first two years - due to absolutely terrible sleep plus 5 year age gap from eldest to youngest meaning the restrictions of school runs and no naps combined with DC2 barely more than a toddler and DC3 not sleeping til he was nearly 3...

It very much depends on the kids and the personality of the parents and a million other things whether it is hard or not.

Whether it is really hard or really easy pitying somebody simply for having children they presumably wanted is plain weird.

I assume OP is just tired of the broken record aspect and venting on here so she can continue to smile and nod and be pleasant to her MIL in person.

She might well be saying to the SIL "poor Tweetypie, she has it so hard" and the SIL is fuming too.

My Mum is always telling me how hard my sister has things (one adult child, not quite full-time job, husband at home all day). It used to annoy me, but then I worked out what my Mum was probably saying to DSIs about me: "poor Balloon, THREE children" etc (my sister would have loved more children so that would probably really upset her) so now it doesn't bother me.

YANBU OP. Not sure why just 'having children' is considered hard - some aspects of having children is undoubtedly hard, but in general, most people do it and survive without having someone on hand all the time to help .

Maybe she is really struggling but dressing it up all the time as being about how hard it is because she has kids is just annoying.

I know what you mean OP. If its being said repeatedly it would be annoying. Yes 2 kids are hard bit so are alot of other things. Unless there is something you don't know then it would seem a strange thing to say. I would ignore it if you can . MIL may just be in the habit of saying it.

My mum does that with my sister who has 2 dc. When I point out that I have 5 dc, all with SN she sniffs and says that I chose to have that many . True, but so did my sister. I'm doing fine apart from the mountains of paperwork and general anxiety about DS4's health issues (big test results coming up soon) but if there's a load of sympathy going spare...

Sometimes I wonder if she tells my sister how difficult my life is so we are both getting each others sympathy .

I assume OP is just tired of the broken record aspect and venting on here so she can continue to smile and nod and be pleasant to her MIL in person.

Yes I agree. It's true to say that all of us are occasionally niggled to fuck by something seemingly innocuous.

"" I just know a lot of people well who have kids - more than two even - who don't get as much sympathy, from anyone.""

That's a shame, because I think we should acknowledge how tough going children can be. My DD is having a hard time (up regularly at 4am/teething/virus), at the moment, she needs the sympathy and to be told to get to bed/ignore how she looks/the housework. We 'help' but the baby wants her. It's emotionally draining.

However, my Mum had nothing positive to say about family life/having children and used to try to say how sorry she felt for me, I nipped that in the bud, it had rubbed off on my childless single by choice sister, as well. I loved my whole family life, but o wasn't working full time, so apparently I needed pity.

Can your respond with "but there are so many positives as well" and expand the conversation?.

Is SIL your MIL's daughter or daughter in law?
Does SIL complain about how hard it is as well?
Why don't you offer to help her out if she is struggling and stop moaning about MIL's kindness.
Don't underestimate how hard it is to be a SAHM to 2 dc - I struggled as did a lot of my friends/family.

BalloonSlayer might have a point - maybe your MIL is sorry for everyone/ everyone she likes, and constantly irritates your SIL with her sympathy for poor you and your full time job, or whatever other aspect of your life she could decide to pity.

Its a weird turn of phrase though, "poor xyz" she's in some perfectly normal situation that she probably actually wanted to be in... surely you're only "poor" if you're in a situation you don't want to be in - ill, or with an ill family member, been in an accident, failing to achieve something your really desperately want to do, bereaved or struggling financially etc.

"Poor SIL she's finding being at home with the kids full time hard" "Poor SIL she her kids are playing up/ not sleeping/ unwell" or "Poor SIL her DH has been working away for months and she and the kids barely see him or get any support" - all valid... "Poor SIL she has 2 kids" is a bit like saying "Poor SIL she has a husband" or "Poor SIL she has a job" - it just doesn't really make sense on its own.

A smile and nod moment, but I do get why the turn of phrase and broken record sounds annoying!

My bil who lives on his own is always 'tired' or 'exhausted'.

He does fuck all. I mean really...fuck bloody all. He goes to work, which isn't up a chimney or in a minefield, goes home and watches telly. Mil does his washing.

My MIL is a bit like this about my SIL. Yes, there are some aspects of her life which are challenging (and she also has two kids!) but there are some aspects of mine and DH's life (with our DCs) which are challenging. It is annoying to constantly feel like you're being told you don't know how good you've got it and that your own problems are minimised.

But, honestly, you just have to look at your own reactions and try not to feel snarky, cos it doesn't do any good to dwell on things like that. Change yourself is all you can do - you can't change other people so I try to let it wash over me as much as possible. Is annoying though, so doesn't always work!

Sorry that was in response to 'broken record' aspect and venting. I get that.

Maybe Mil feels the need to defend her dd because op keeps making snidey remarks about her. Op clearly doesn't have dc because she has avoided answering the question despite being asked several times. Stating she has no children would blow her thread out of the water and make her look bitter It would still end with a unanimous YABU

I get it OP. My MIL is a very much a worrier and tends towards pessimism rather than optimism. I'm the opposite and just tend to get on with things without grumbling. We have one child and one on the way, both work full time. There's rarely a conversation that occurs where she isn't expressing concern for my SIL and BIL and about how hard things are for them running a business with two kids etc, and how hard it is - they cope fine btw!! It's just MIL's nature. If someone is ill (even a cold)then it just gets worse and they are practically on deaths door. I've learnt to just nod and smile, because I have given up trying to cajole her out of this state by saying positive things - the just don't resonate with her, it's like she needs to wallow in it. Keep smiling!

So you don't have any children OP?

We have this quite often from MIL, again how hard it is for SiL and I can understand where the OP is coming from.

We don't have children and it looks like we won't - and we know that this (in MiL's eyes) makes us somewhat failures, thoughtless throw away comments such as "you don't know how easy it is" and "it's alright for you!" can be really upsetting.

Yes, some of the time SiL is finding it hard - and sometimes this is purely down to her & BiL's very poor decisions. At the moment she is going through a bit of a shit time, which again is down to their own cock up, and I do feel for her and we have tried to help her as much as we can, but again MiL is falling over-herself to tell us how hard it is.

I have come to realise that MiL is just a drama llama- it gives her something to moan/gossip about as she has no real problems of her own, she is just living vicariously through SiL and projecting her own feelings onto SiL. I have started to breezily say "Oh dear, i am sure it will work out", and change the subject.

This is not about us, or SiL - it is MiL's problem and I have a choice whether to go to her pity party or not - so I don't and problem solved. Take everything with a pinch of salt and don't join in, drama llama's soon get bored of it! Chin up and brush it of as crap!

Headmelt you say "Op clearly doesn't have dc because she has avoided answering the question despite being asked several times. Stating she has no children would blow her thread out of the water and make her look bitter It would still end with a unanimous YABU"

I disagree - if the OP would love to have 2 children more than anything else in the world but is currently childless it puts a whole different spin on the thread and she would absolutely NOT BU - it would in fact be pretty cruel of MIL to keep pitying SIL for having what OP longs for, in front of OP.

However I suspect it is irrelevant whether OP has kids, she is just tired of her MIL repeating the same slightly odd sentiment over and over and has said she likes her MIL so just wants to vent about the fact she finds the repetition of the odd idea that having children is something to be pitied for safely here (as Pictish and others have also recognised).

Poor SIL she has 2 kids is a weirdly negative and slightly patronising thing to say on its own most people don't want to be pitied for having kids, though it is very reasonable and empathetic to pity them for some difficult aspect of parenting two children "poor SIL she finds being at home with two small children so boring/ difficult/ stressful" or "Poor SIL her eldest is going through the terrible twos and her youngest is such a poor sleeper, she really needs a hand" - also lovely empathy.

It makes bugger all difference if the OP has children or not - unless she is openly criticising her SIL to her MIL about how she copes with said children and she has none herself, so MIL feels the need to defend, but that doesn't sound like the case at all.

You can have an informed opinion on something e.g. bungee-jumping based on experience of other people who've done it even if you've got no intention of doing it yourself!

Of course it makes a difference if the OP has children.

Easy when you haven't to think just how easy it all is.

Hm I'm with you OP but only because I'm projecting....

DSIS and I both have 3DC, similar ages each (all school aged). I work, DSIS doesn't. I am constantly hearing from DM about how busy DSIS is, how much DM needs to help DSIS 'because she never gets a break, she's always at home'.

It pisses me off.

FarrowandBallAche I have 3 children. I'd be pretty pissed off if my MIL or my own mother were constantly saying "Poor Schwabische she has 3 kids" I want 3 kids!

"Poor Schwabische she has flu and is on her own with 3 kids all day" yes "Poor Schwabische she has 3 kids" fuck off :o don't you like my kids? Why does having kids make me poor? :o

I don't know, I think you're allowed to be mildly at your MIL going on and on about how hard it must be on your SIL to have kids, even if you have no kids yourself. Even people without kids are allowed an opinion on them! I remember back when I had none I used to think 'How hard can it be?'

I know now, of course, but equally I was perfectly entitled to my opinion back then. I WHBU to share that with anyone who had kids, of course!

Of course it makes a difference if the OP has children.

Easy when you haven't to think just how easy it all is.

OP began her post by saying "I realise motherhood is very very hard and takes a lot of work" and her AIBU is "AIBU to think my MIL is being a little too OTT?"

She didn't say it was "easy", just that perhaps it wasn't quite so hard as to require constant unlimited sympathy just because she's a mother-of-two. Don't you get annoyed with people who think being a parent means they're somehow special? Cos I do. I'm a parent and I am a bog-standard human being with bog-standard coping skills. No need for special consideration or extra sympathy for me - I chose to have these DC. I rather like them, even when they're hard work.

To be honest, you actually sound like my own mother in law, who thinks that just because other people had it hard, so should I. So what if your other friends with kids get less sympathy? Surely the answer is that they should get more of it, not that your SIL get less. They might actually be in need of it! There isn't a finite pile of sympathy in the world that will get used up if your SIL gets more than her fair share. Your MIL sounds lovely actually. Mine tends towards the 'well I had small kids too once upon a time and so you can suck it up because I had to, and by the way your generation don't know they're born' end of the spectrum.

Thinking of life as a constant zero-sum game is not a very attractive trait. It's mean-spirited and petty.

"No need for special consideration or extra sympathy for me - I chose to have these DC. I rather like them, even when they're hard work."

But why not? Receiving sympathy is not a moral failing, though obviously you think it does. I'd like to think that my life choices that involve hard work can still receive sympathy from others. Not parenthood exclusively, but anything that makes life hard work. Constant unlimited sympathy, as long as it's not used as a stick to beat anybody else with, is a lovely thing.