AIBU - MIL comments about SIL

[Tweetypie100]

ok so I realise motherhood is very very hard and takes a lot of work - it is just really really difficult. but - my MIL always makes comments about my SIL like "oh we have to help her out, she has two kids" and "poor girl, I wonder what she's doing at home with two kids?" And "it's so hard for her, you know she has two kids!" to be clear here, i'm not criticising my MIL, who I really like and get along with. it's just that she says it almost everyday!

I just always think ok yes - but loads of other people have kids too! She has a husband and gets a lot of help from family. AIBU to think my MIL is being a little too OTT? She has two kids herself and I know others with three and I don't hear this from them!

Just to clarify - I like my MIL! don't have an issue with her. I just know a lot of people well who have kids - more than two even - who don't get as much sympathy, from anyone.

Perhaps SIL has told her mother that she thinks you judge her for having so much help etc. Are you professionally very successful? Maybe she feels inferior and he mum is (rather cack-handedly) trying to make you see what a good and difficult job she's doing?

Having 2 kids is hard. Nearly sent me over the edge. Yes, some people seem to cope perfectly well with 25 kids and a full time job, but then on Facebook some people seem to be laughing with a different set of friends every night... And still have a detailed knowledge of celebrity Big Brother somehow.

So op is she asking you to help? Otherwise I can't see why you are bothered.

i've just gone from 1 to 2, and the transition is actually quite hard, the newborn/infant+mad toddler phase is a lot of work ! I would hope it will settle down in later years as they get older, what age are your SILs kids ?

your MIL actually sounds quite nice really!

Maybe they do and you are not party to it.

Is there a limit on how much sympathy people get

MIL's life has probably slowed down and she half living her life through others, ie their problems and aspirations are hers. There are loads of us out there though with two kids and we just get on with it, doesn't have to be an issue. Just don't let her make you feel guilty.

Every time someone is ill in our family, my MIL talks about it life their at deaths door!

just know a lot of people well who have kids - more than two even - who don't get as much sympathy, from anyone

I'm genuinely still not understanding the issue.

Is it that she's expecting you to help babysit, or that you and your DH have kids that your MIL doesn't help out with?

Another one quite baffled by your irritation at your MIL being nice to her own grown-up daughter.

I'm sure there are lots of parents of small children who don't get sympathy who would actually like some now and again. Perhaps the ones who don't moan are secretly feeling like crap or getting more help than others.

Even as an introvert who quite liked being at home, there were some very difficult days. My daughter probably finds it harder than I did because she is an extrovert and needs more company in the day, which is hard to achieve with two small children.

Your mil sounds lovely and caring. Maybe she worries too much, but at least she has time for her own daughter.

But maybe the other people you know get sympathy from their mothers too, you wouldn't necessarily be aware of it.

Perhaps your SIL doesn't even know that her mother says that sort of thing, she may not say it directly to her.

You still haven't told us how many dcs you have?

YABU simply for not explaining what the actual problem is.

It completely depends on the kids too, I love my DS1 dearly but he's hard work, and my Mum is astounded by just how hard he is compared to me and my dsis. I know she talks about it with her friends! (Especially as I have ds2 now as well!).

If MIL is happy with the help she gives & SIL is happy with the help she gets, surely that's OK?

But why MIL has to make such a song & dance about it is completely beyond me.

Also, if your mil is anything like me, she's probably forgotten just what bringing up small children involves. I know I look at my daughter and think "wow, did I really do that, such hard work". Obviously I had more energy as a 20 something mum and there is something about seeing it from the outside as a grandmother that makes you appreciate how relentless it can be.

I can imagine my MIL talking about us in that way, and we aren't struggling at all!

Any time we see them the PILs go on about how hard things must be for us, how tired we must be, and how worried they are about us having another baby (we'll have 4 under 6 by the summer). I actually found 0-1 the hardest the transition and 1 to 2 children the easiest.

We are pretty relaxed about it, the children are happy and not massively hard work (most of the time!), and we are delighted to be expecting another one.

I think it is because MIL had a hard time with PND when SIL was born and ongoing anxiety so there is a lot of overlay about how she thinks she would be coping.

My advice would be brush off the comments if they are getting to you. I appreciate that many say "why can't she be concerned about her daughter" etc but if that is being said all the time to other people (as in the OP) then that can get wearing.

MY MIL has not noticed at all how hard 2 children under 15 months, no family of my own, no support, foreign country, PND etc etc. But she can go on and on about her daughter (my SIL) (one child) and be oblivious as to how I might feel with no mother of my own. She does not do illness and complaining (on my part anyway) and I have felt real resentment and anger towards her (unexpressed).

It is her daughter, that is who she cares about. It is sad not to have it myself but that is life.

I now brush off, breezy, change the subject.

It is maybe upsetting or annoying because of your own issues.

Do you have children OP?

Do you have children OP?

She's been asked that a few times and no reply. I suspect not, but she will probably be along now to say that yes, she has 6 and it's a doddle.

It is maybe upsetting or annoying because of your own issues.

YY to this. I sometimes think that I'd like a bit of sympathy from Step-MIL (because we do have times where it is a bit more obviously difficult) but we're fine apparently because our child number has not exceeded 3.

It's important to realise that IABU when this unworthy thought occurs, though.

I appreciate people want to know whether OP has children but it may not be relevant. My MIL does not go on about SIL in relation to her child, it is just generally "poor little Jane this" " poor little jane that" and because of my OWN issues with lack of a mother, lack of family, I find it too much. I don't want to engage with her about this because it shows a lack of understanding ever for how things might have been for me. She has never attempted to assume a motherly role for me and hence for my own sake I prefer not to engage when she is going on about this stuff.

so whether OP has children or not, she needs to look inside as to why this upsets her.

I get something similar with FiL - each time we see him he goes on and on about what an amazing mother SiL is. She IS lovely, but amazed how much discussion her virtues warrant. I think it's mostly down to FiL being very involved with their lives and it's just one of his topics of conversation

I just nod and smile and try not to compare myself too much and wonder what on earth he says to them about my parenting skills

I used to have to endure loads of those types of comments about my own SIL (from my mother!) before I had kids. It annoyed me because at the time I was working incredibly hard building a career and coming to terms with not being able to have children and just seemed like she was dismissing my achievements and how hard I work, along with rubbing it in that I'll never achieve as much as my SIL because I don't have kids. May seem petty to people who don't have issues having kids, but it is one more thing that bloody hurts when you are struggling.

Gosh, I'd love some sympathy from my MIL, as I frequently find juggling a demanding job and my one child (family all in another country, and no one local to help out in an emergency childcare breakdown/illness) tricky, but all she ever does is remind me that she had five, and in fact gave birth to her third on her 21st birthday.

It is a bit weird that there's so much sympathy washing about purely because your SIL (and presumably your brother/BIL also?) has two children, but perhaps she's finding things difficult. Or maybe your MIL has just fallen into the habit of thinking of her that way? My BIL always addresses his wife as 'my poor little wife', as though she was in desperate difficulty, but as far as I can tell, she leads a perfectly serene existence.

I'll never achieve as much as my SIL because I don't have kids.

Zee, both my parents and my ILs think my one child, born when I was 40 after getting four degrees on prestigious scholarships, and building an academic career, is my only achievement. I feel for you. It's irritating even when you have a child, and I can only imagine what it felt like for you in the circumstances.