To not want to do this favour?

[PaperDollChain]

I'll try and keep this brief. I've been with DP around 18 months. We both have dc from previous relationships. There have been some issues regarding this, mainly that the dc fight terribly and as DP is living with family, he prefers to spend his contact at my (too small for all of us) house. I have trouble saying no to this but it means I don't get to really enjoy having my dc on my (every other) weekends. I posted a very long thread about this in step parenting.

Dp is at my house a lot during the week. That's ok by me, he mucks in and shares the household chores and I enjoy him being here. Sometimes I have to go to late evening meetings for work and he will help watch my two youngest dc with the help of my eldest dc (16).

So dp has a work night out soon. He's bought his ticket but his childcare for the night has fallen through. He has asked me to watch his dc at mine. I'm really not sure about this because although his dc behaves impeccably for him, it's a different case with me. I am a soft touch anyway but have trouble disciplining other people's dc, even DSC. DP knows this but thinks as long as he gives him the hard word before hand, it will be ok. Experience tells me that it won't.

But, I feel bad saying no. If I don't do it, likelihood is, he won't be able to go and he already had to cancel last year for a similar reason. Basically, he has limited people to ask to watch his DC. I'd love to help him but I just think it would be a disaster. He's also asked if my eldest could watch him at my parents' house but I think that's unfair on both my parents and my eldest. I was a bit annoyed that he'd even asked tbh. I have let my eldest watch my youngest but only for something essential like work, only ever for a few hours, never overnight and my eldest also finds DP's DC a handful (DP just doesn't seem to see that his DC is capable of bad behaviour). Btw, this would be a night out but because it's in another city, he'll be staying overnight there.

But AIBU to say no considering that he has watched my dc for me?

FFS at calling the OP wet.

She is obviously really struggling, calling her wet isn't helpful. It's mean and there is no need for it.

OP I don't have much advice as there is obviously a long back story but to you

Two things bother me about this situation. The first is that you are still calling it 'early days' after 18 months together and the second is that you can't handle a 7 year old child who plays up when his dad isn't around.
Maybe it's subconscious or maybe you are just lying to yourself, but I think you know your not going to have a long term relationship with this man, in which case you should end the relationship now. As for the child, he must have been around 5years old when you and his father started courting. Does that mean you couldn't cope with the boy even then? Or was it that you already knew you didn't have to?

you need a frank talk and to reset your boundaries. Maybe start with agreeing DP has his son at his parents house on his contact weekend and you can all meet for trips to the park. You mentioned your daughter being emotionally fragile after your split with your husband so this seems a valid reason. You need to do the right thing for you and your child. i would also say no to the babysitting and say you just can't cope and neither can your child. All the children need time and the dynamic between the children needs to improve.

I am wondering what impact this is all having on the children.

At least one of the OPs children is struggling with her parents splitting and has a new sibling that spends every other weekend with them. Her mum has a new partner who is always at their house and is babysitting.

The boyfriends son never gets to spend a decent amount of time with his dad alone as now on his weekend, they stay with his dad's 'new family'. His dad sees these kids all the time, but he doesn't.

I feel sorry for the kids.

Yes yabu, he has looked after your DC but you are not willing to help him in return.

I think that's it is unfair he looks after yours, and you don't return the favour. Yes you need to step up and be stronger. Threw soft toys in your face fgs! Confiscate the toys and send him for time out to his room or somewhere else if he is misbehaving.

Thanks everyone for the input. It's giving me food for thought.

Obviously it's difficult to accurately describe the situation in just a few words but I'll try answer some questions.

My DP is an excellent partner in many ways. Things have gone faster than I would have liked but I think that's in part because we have clicked so well, something neither of us were prepared for. We've both been in bad relationships and perhaps got carried away. The DC all got on so well to begin with that it seemed natural to spend a lot if time together. Then they got bored and cracks started to appear.

I don't think DP is a cocklodger. I won't let him contribute to the bills because I don't want him to 'officially' live with us. He contributed in other ways like paying for trips out and other things. We did talk about him getting a flat share recently. He went to look at some but nothing has happened since. I have insisted that he spends at least one day of his contact weekends doing his own thing to give me time with my DC. This has happened and I'm much happier with this arrangement.

I don't have anything against his DS, I just don't know him very well (he was 6.5 when we met, he's nearly 8 now). DP sees him more than eow but because we live so far apart, he has him at his relative's mid week. So comparatively, I haven't spent much time with him. I admit I struggle to relate to him well though. He's just not interested in doing anything other than playing on the computer which causes arguments in the house (only one tv) so I find it hard to find things he wants to do. He hates my cooking, never wants to eat what I make, DP forces him which I find tense (the telling off, not the eating). I'm not strict on my DC about this so it makes for award meals. He might 'only' have thrown teddies in my face but he did it hard and in purpose which DP dismissed as playing. That's just one example but he just makes a nuisance of himself, switching lights off, winding my two youngest up by hitting them and running away. Only ever when my DP is not there and it's almost disguised as playing. He's quite astutely realised that I di nothing so he pushes the boundaries. Again, I'm not blaming him, but it is what it is and I don't find it easy to discipline him - most likely because we don't have a relationship in which I feel able to do that. When you tell your kids off, they know you love them anyway, I don't have that reassurance with DSS. I actually think he doesn't like me very much.

DP likes to bring him to mine because it's more child friendly here. He insists DSS enjoys coming. We do take them out a lot because they fight I the cramped space. DSS runs off though so I eoukdnt be comfortable taking him out, it's not safe. Plus the weather is going to be really bad - there are flood warnings out locally.

Anyway, I have agreed to watch him. I'm incredibly nervous about it, I know it's going to be awful and very difficult. I can't do a film night, we've done these, and they get bored and stop watching. I'm not sure what I can occupy them all with. I might do baking with mine and let DS and DSS play on the computer. Only around 7 hours to fill them .

I know there are bigger issues here. I'm biding my time and seeing how things pan out. I really think I need to build a better relationship with DSS but that's difficult in the time/circumstances. But thank you all for answering my question - I really just wanted to gauge if I was BU on this ocassion. I think I already knew the answer but wanted to justify it to myself because I'm truly dreading it. Thanks also to those who either remembered my previous posts or looked for them. I took and take all advice on board and am thinking through my options, watching and waiting to see how things develop.

Forgot to also mention that I am seeking help for my dd. I have approached so many organisations, also posted on here under another NN but as I'm sure other people have found, getting help is seriously difficult. She's currently on a waiting list for counselling but won't be seen until after easter. I have ongoing issues with my abusive ex to add into te mix. Life is quite hard right now, I feel overwhelmed with all the people I'm trying to please, balancing everyone's needs against my own, finding time to fit everything in. Makes it difficult to make simple decisions sometimes but I'm trying.

I cam on here expecting to tell you YABU, but actually I don't think you are.

Its all too much. You sound like you are close to breaking point, and this might finish you off.

Just say no. Its only a works night out. Focus on your own needs and those of your own children. Take it easy on yourself. He should be able to see this though?

There are problems and complications coming at you from every direction - there's no way you can successfully deal with all this at the same time.

If you have now agreed to babysit on Friday and are resigned to doing it then good for you and I hope it goes well but I'd plan a serious conversation for next week - one that involves you telling your partner that his son can't come over anymore as you need to focus on resolving X. THEN you and your kids can tackle building a relationship with his son. You're not saying never, just when you're ready and it has a better chance of succeeding.

If I've read your situation correctly - following his parents split your partner's son now lives in not 2 but 3 homes; his mum's, another relative who is disabled and unable to look after him and yours. He may spend the whole time fighting but your home really may be the best/most stable family time he gets. His computer may be the only constant/reliable thing he's got plus he may be jealous and resentful of your kids who have each other whereas he's on his own and being passed between homes. I'm not saying let him run riot but there obviously are a lot of complications in his life too that he has no control over...you may already have a good insight into what it's like for him.

I think the problem isn't just that you can't say no to this child, you can't say no to your DP either, can you? So he comes when he wants, he brings his child even though you don't really want him to, you will move in together even though you don't really want to... Do you think you are persuading yourself that you really do want these things because the only other option is to say no to your DP and that is hard for people-pleaser you?

Clear, yes, there are definitely difficult circumstances for DSS. His DM works/studies very long hours so he spends a lot of time in childcare. Then on her weekends, he is often sent to babysitters so she can go out. This is why DP can't ask her. He made a big stand about the lack of interaction he gets at home and since then is trying to set an example by not swapping and changing too much and not overly relying on babysitters. To be fair to dp he rarely goes out.

So I do understand that IT is difficult for DSS. This is partly why I've been so accommodating as I know it's easier in many ways Dr them to be here. But, it's too small. He doesn't gave his own room and it's very cramped. Plus my dc are akways having to share their space, their stuff, their parent. It's no wonder they argue really and I do value my time alone with my dc. Having said that, the dynamics don't manifest as DSS being left out. He and my middle DD are the same age and often 'gang up' on my youngest (5) and leave her out of games, wind her up etc. They're just behaving like kids do but it's another layer of stress for me to have an upset 5yo.

sonjadog, yes, I'd say that's accurate. I do struggle to say no to pretty much everyone. I end up lending people money and never getting it back, I take on thankless additional responsibilities at work, etc etc. Its just the way I am and I have a reputation for being 'nice'.

Having said that, I do really love DP and I don't feel that he takes advantage of my kind nature. He gives as much as he takes and I've never had that before. I don't think he has any real idea of how much stress I'm under because I downplay it. I do need to learn to be more assertive and lay down boundaries. Part of my issue in doing this is that I'm also incredibly indecisive so will go along with other people's plans. I know I'm sounding really annoying right now .

So why doesn't he have a flat of his own where his ds can have a bedroom and feel at home?

It is really important to be able to say no. People will take advantage of you (as they already are) and it is possible to be a nice person and say no. Really, it is. Your world won't fall apart if you say no.