To not want to do this favour?

[PaperDollChain]

I'll try and keep this brief. I've been with DP around 18 months. We both have dc from previous relationships. There have been some issues regarding this, mainly that the dc fight terribly and as DP is living with family, he prefers to spend his contact at my (too small for all of us) house. I have trouble saying no to this but it means I don't get to really enjoy having my dc on my (every other) weekends. I posted a very long thread about this in step parenting.

Dp is at my house a lot during the week. That's ok by me, he mucks in and shares the household chores and I enjoy him being here. Sometimes I have to go to late evening meetings for work and he will help watch my two youngest dc with the help of my eldest dc (16).

So dp has a work night out soon. He's bought his ticket but his childcare for the night has fallen through. He has asked me to watch his dc at mine. I'm really not sure about this because although his dc behaves impeccably for him, it's a different case with me. I am a soft touch anyway but have trouble disciplining other people's dc, even DSC. DP knows this but thinks as long as he gives him the hard word before hand, it will be ok. Experience tells me that it won't.

But, I feel bad saying no. If I don't do it, likelihood is, he won't be able to go and he already had to cancel last year for a similar reason. Basically, he has limited people to ask to watch his DC. I'd love to help him but I just think it would be a disaster. He's also asked if my eldest could watch him at my parents' house but I think that's unfair on both my parents and my eldest. I was a bit annoyed that he'd even asked tbh. I have let my eldest watch my youngest but only for something essential like work, only ever for a few hours, never overnight and my eldest also finds DP's DC a handful (DP just doesn't seem to see that his DC is capable of bad behaviour). Btw, this would be a night out but because it's in another city, he'll be staying overnight there.

But AIBU to say no considering that he has watched my dc for me?

It sounds like you're two youngest fight a lot but you just accept this as you 'aren't good with discipline' but the stepchild is the one you label as badly behaved.

You need to address how you deal with their behaviour as it is only going to get harder as they get older.

How old are the two youngest?

Oh I'm sorry, having read your post of 19:09:30 I can see your point. I retract my YABU.
It sounds tough enough for you without another child to deal with as well. Just tell him you can't cope with adding his DC in to the mix while on your own. He can ask to swap nights with his ex, or he can cancel.

I do feel he needs to make better arrangements for his contact weekends; it's not fair burdening you with a full, stressful house every time. Not fair on you, your DC, or his DC who aren't getting undivided attention from him (possibly a reason for the bad behaviour?). He should get his own place if he can't bring his ds to his relative's house.

If he is rushing the relationship faster than youre comfortable, thats a red flag.

If he wont take constructive advice / listen and take onboard your concerns, that is a red flag.

You are unreasonable in not dealing with conflict. You are the parent and the adult and whether you like to do it or not, it is your responsibility. Even taking your boyfriend's child out of the picture, you say your youngest two are always fighting. How do you think they feel living like that? Especially the one who isnt always throwing tantrums and doesnt has behavioural issues? You have a child who is already acting out because of a lack of effective discipline and constantly fighting with your other child. That is not acceptable. Deal with the fighting for the sake of your children.

If you dont want your bf there every other weekend with his son, tell him. That is your decison to make. If he wont listen to you and pays no attention to what you want, thats a red flag. Your house is not there for his convienience. You don't live together.

Trying to please children and ending up with uncontrollable chaos is irresponsible and you end up pleasing nobody.

Babysit this weekend
But after that have a serious talk with dp and put some boundaries in. Has he ever actually asked to move in with you? Why is he living with his family? Why does he have contact weekends at yours rather than his parents? Why is he pushing for you to love together?
Seems like this is moving far too fast and you being a people pleaser, plus him being a hypersensitive flower who can't discuss things reasonably, has meant you've been railroaded. Take back control!

Yanbu at all. If he won't behave for you then your DP either finds someone else who he will behave for or he misses his night out. Simple as.
Why on earth would someone go on a night out knowing full well their child won't behave for the person looking after them?

There's no future with this man.

Well there is, but it involves you repeatedly posting on here to vent and ignoring all advice given.

It's a sad fact of life that if your child is difficult to manage, then it's hard to persuade anyone to take care of them, particularly for a long period of time.

OP, don't you get fed up with not having any time with your children on your own? Also when they're at their dad's do you spend any time on your own in the house?

I don't think YABU. I wouldn't fancy doing this either, and I teach this age! I would do it, but wouldn't exactly be looking forward to it.

That said, as you seem to have realised, you have bigger issues than this one night.

I don't think it is a huge ask. I do think he's a shit dad for dragging his child into a family the child hates on his contact weekend. He is even more U for palming his child off to you.

This boy will have been waiting for time with dad for 2 weeks. Dad picks him up and buggers off. Contact weekend is not there to give the resident parent a break, it exists to allow the non-resident parent to have a relationship with the child. The boy has a right to this.

If your dp is burying his mum or works as a transplant surgeon and a heart becomes available, fine. A work night out? "Sorry, can't come, it is my contact weekend."

Whether or not you agree to looking after the kid is immaterial.

OP, I've just read a couple of your other threads and I think you really have a problem with letting people walk all over you. I am still completely shocked that you let your ex have the family home which your parents gave you at a discount (aka giving you money towards it) while you are renting, even though you have the children most of the time.

Your current partner has to accept that it is very difficult for you to have his child when he's not there. The balance of the family changes, his son doesn't behave himself and that night will be a nightmare for you and your children.

You have to learn to say no.

You're also paying all bills for your boyfriend and for his son when he's there.

This is not fair on you. You have to say no.

You and your children deserve more than this.

What pax said.

This just isn't sustainable is it?

Totally ignoring your Aibu, (sorry) but your last update put a lump in my throat!

Relationships, especially fairly new relationships really shouldn't be this hard. Do the benefits really outweigh the negatives of it all?

I hope you find a solution, but take these just for now

I think you should agree, but tell him to make it clear to the child that you're in charge and that poor conduct wont be tolerated. On the night, get your 16y to back you up if necessary. Don't take any nonsense. You need to set boundaries with this child now, just in case your relationship goes the distance, because 9 more years of disobedience would be tough to live with.

obv a lot more going on here but i think you need to take a step back, this relationship has moved too fast for all concerned. and i think you need to seriously address your people pleasing mentality and start putting you and your children first.

as for babysitting, say no. it's clearly far too much given the problems your middle dc is having. i like what pax has to say about that. ask him to spend his weekend with his ds at his house and just give you all break. i know that will be very hard to do, but try?

Based on this post YABU. It's one kid, for one night, I'd suck it up. This is your partners child. He cares for your kids, yes?

It really sounds like you need some space: for yourself; to be with your own DCC; to work out where you want to go with this relationship. Your DP's needs sound very different: he sounds desperate to re-create a family unit (with the convenience of having contact with his DS in your home) and to have some security. What he seems to be missing is that his DS might not be ready to be "pushed" into this new family unit. No wonder the DS is acting up. I feel very sorry for him. As a child he has no control over the situation and sounds like he is trying to take it back by being a pain in the arse in the only way that many children know how to do. I would wager money he will be feeling a sense of rejection that his dad has chosen (not been forced) to go out with work colleagues and then not give him his full attention because you are all round at yours.

I feel for all of you, but as regards the progress of your relationship and the weekends your DP needs to wake up and see the reality of the situation and it looks like you are going to have to guide him towards that, using words of one syllable if he is dismissive. He might take you more seriously if he realises the relationship is in jeopardy.

As for the short term, I would have the DS over but I would probably feel reluctant, uncomfortable and put upon in your situation. I would talk to DP about the need for good behaviour and whether or not he takes it on board I would sit the kids down and talk to them all and set some boundaries for the night. Your home, your rules! It needn't be nasty or make anyone feel bad but you could let them know you are going to do something fun (a movie night at home, make some popcorn, say), but stress that tonight we are going to have lots of fun but I don't want any cheekiness/answering back/not doing as I say/fighting whatever and explain why (spoils it for everyone). Work out in your own mind how many times you are prepared to tell them "no" if they overstep a boundary; warn them of a specific consequence (eg go to bed 15/30min early,whatever), then stick to it.

After the weekend it sounds like you need to have a chat with DP about a different set of boundaries too.

Unless you enjoy being a martyr you know that you need to be more assertive for the sake of your sanity and emotional well-being. You'll end up all resentful otherwise. It's hard if you're not used to it being a barking Serjeant Major like I can sometimes come across, but in the long run it will make life less angst ridden. You are the only one who can change this situation. Venting on MN is helpful but it won't cut it in this situation. RL action will.

It sounds completely suffocating to me.
Do you silently breathe a sigh of relief when you know it's just you and your own dc's for the weekend?

You really should b able to do this as a favour to your dp. It might not be easy but it is one night. He is only 7. Sounds a bit like you are struggling with your own kids as well. Plan the evening, nice tea, dvd and popcorn, bed. Job done. Keep them occupied so they are not alone and given a chance to fight.

i remember your other thread op and you gave a lot more info and mn told you that he and his son were spoiling life for your cc and you in your own house. This new thread hardly tells anything as i guess you want a different answer. Same answer op-get rid off as he and his son treat you and your son as 2nd class citizens in your own home. Post a link to your other thread so mn can read the full story.

Why don't you have a day out with him then activities keep them all occupied with very strict boundaries you need to get this under control or it's a deal breaker -yours kids and his need to get along and you need to start taking control

You sound wet and TBH if you can't stand doing him a small child care David and spending time with his children, the relationship isn't going to work is it? How would you feel if he hated being with your children?

Although he sounds like a total cock lodger anyway... Wtf isn't he renting his own place suitable for his DC to visit?

Op I've read your other thread . It concerns me that you cannot discuss things with him , and that when you have tried he has played the victim and your left feeling guilty and selfish. This is a classic manipulation technique. You are effectively walking on eggshells.

I'm also concerned that he's effectively living at yours rent free and regularly has contact weekends at your house when you are child free. He should have a suitable home instead of living between his relative's and your house. His housing problems , and his planned night out on a contact weekend , arent your problem.

Look we don't know anything about this man's finances. Maybe he is still recovering from the costs of splitting up and has lost his family home. He's currently staying with a disabled relative which maybe isn't ideal for having a boisterous 7year old and this arrangement is fine when he is there to supervise.

OP, I can see why you are nervous but in your situation I would be looking for ways to make it work. Could you, for example get a friend over for the early part of the evening? The DC are less likely to play up with a stern looking stranger there . Or maybe your oldest could help by doing an activity with one of the younger children to split them up?

I would make it into a treat evening with a film and popcorn after pjs are on. Make sure that your DP and you are absolutely on the same page re discipline and sanctions. It's tricky, poor DSS is only little and on his own so a kind but firm approach from both of you is needed and the fighting needs sorting out with all the DC, not just his.

I hope you sort it out. It does genuinely seem your DP has tried alternatives and isn't just taking you for granted. Planning is key.