To not want to do this favour?

[PaperDollChain]

I'll try and keep this brief. I've been with DP around 18 months. We both have dc from previous relationships. There have been some issues regarding this, mainly that the dc fight terribly and as DP is living with family, he prefers to spend his contact at my (too small for all of us) house. I have trouble saying no to this but it means I don't get to really enjoy having my dc on my (every other) weekends. I posted a very long thread about this in step parenting.

Dp is at my house a lot during the week. That's ok by me, he mucks in and shares the household chores and I enjoy him being here. Sometimes I have to go to late evening meetings for work and he will help watch my two youngest dc with the help of my eldest dc (16).

So dp has a work night out soon. He's bought his ticket but his childcare for the night has fallen through. He has asked me to watch his dc at mine. I'm really not sure about this because although his dc behaves impeccably for him, it's a different case with me. I am a soft touch anyway but have trouble disciplining other people's dc, even DSC. DP knows this but thinks as long as he gives him the hard word before hand, it will be ok. Experience tells me that it won't.

But, I feel bad saying no. If I don't do it, likelihood is, he won't be able to go and he already had to cancel last year for a similar reason. Basically, he has limited people to ask to watch his DC. I'd love to help him but I just think it would be a disaster. He's also asked if my eldest could watch him at my parents' house but I think that's unfair on both my parents and my eldest. I was a bit annoyed that he'd even asked tbh. I have let my eldest watch my youngest but only for something essential like work, only ever for a few hours, never overnight and my eldest also finds DP's DC a handful (DP just doesn't seem to see that his DC is capable of bad behaviour). Btw, this would be a night out but because it's in another city, he'll be staying overnight there.

But AIBU to say no considering that he has watched my dc for me?

[PaperDollChain]

Sorry Ragwort, it wasn't meant as a slight on only children, I was just pointing out that he is not used to the dynamics of a multi child household. That's much is plain as day.

His family member is disabled, so unable to babysit.

I have kind of tried to talk about it but it's complicated. He does not take criticism (even kindly put, constructive criticism). The little bits I do talk about, he completely dismisses. He genuinely doesn't acknowledge that his DC can and does misbehave. He's always defending him.

[Katenka]

You have known this boy and had him at your house since he was 5/6 and you can't tell him off?

Really?

Honestly I am shocked your do would devastated, if you split. Then again I wouldn't be with someone who asked me to watch their kids but 'couldn't handle' watching mine.

[ExasperatedAlmostAlways]

It's only ONE night. Yes, yabu to expect him to watch yours but not help him out very rarely when he asks.

[diddl]

So you have three kids who argue & your partner now brings his 7yr old to yours for contact?

Perhaps he's just copying what he sees?

Does he ever get time alone with his dad?

I'd be telling yourpartner that if he wants you to do this & be confident in disciplining, then he also needs to not be dismissive.

But of course you can do it, you do with yours!

[TendonQueen]

Perhaps then he will stop dismissing it when you tell him that you won't be looking after his son that night, or having his kids any future weekend, because he doesn't listen to your concerns or admit his son misbehaves. How would you feel about saying that?

[PaperDollChain]

Katenka, I didn't meet his DC until we'd been together several months. He's been staying over at mine even more recently still. So it's not really been that long. DP only has his DC EOW so i haven't been able to shed all that much time with him. In contrast, DP is always at mine despite us not living together so he spends a lot of time with my DC.

There is an element of being forced and rushed into this. It's too long to go into here but I've posted a long thread on step parenting.

[Chippednailvarnish]

So you can't discuss this with your DP as he dismisses you and doesn't take criticism?

Well it's clear that your relationship with your DP is the problem so stop trying to make out its a problem with his DC.

[Ragwort]

Try explaining why it is so hard to 'watch' a 7 year old for an evening - I just can't understand quite how difficult this child can be. What's the worse that will happen - he arrives, you have tea, watch tv/DVD/play a board game, bath and bed. Breakfast in the morning and maybe a trip to the park to get rid of some energy before Dad comes back.

The dynamics of your relationship with his father must be odd - and why are you worried about him being 'devastated' if you split - if you can't have a sensible discussion about his child's behaviour then I would ask yourself what you are getting out of this, tough if he 'devasted' when you split, he'll get over it.

[PaperDollChain]

diddl, it's not really as simple as that. Dp's dc likes to wind my two up until they snap and retaliate. It's subtle enough for DP not to notice but I can see it happening as can my eldest. His DC doesn't outright fight with mine. My two youngest fight a lot though.

I'm notoriously shit at discipline. I'm a people pleaser and I just find it unnatural to tell off someone else's kids even if it is warranted. DP knows this and it won't change before Friday.

Tendon, I'm trying to be more honest with him but he's still so dismissive. There's a defence or excuse for everything. He's incredibly strict on his DC over some things so his DC is just really good at hiding his misbehaviour, ie. he will save it for when DP isn't there.

[Zucker]

This won't get better, time will just mean this child getting older.

Here's why it won't ever get better: I have kind of tried to talk about it but it's complicated. He does not take criticism (even kindly put, constructive criticism). The little bits I do talk about, he completely dismisses. He genuinely doesn't acknowledge that his DC can and does misbehave. He's always defending him.

[Katenka]

So you have been with him 18 months, only recently introduced you to the kids and they spend all weekend at yours.

Sorry but I can't get my head around this.

He doesn't live with you. He should be spending time with his kids on his weekend. Not all of you.

There is so much wrong with this situation.

[ExasperatedAlmostAlways]

You are being totally unreasonable. Hes seven for goodness sake. If the kids argue, tell them off. Keep them busy and stay with them and I'm sure it will be fine. What times will you be watching him from and till?

You cant expect your partner to watch your multiple kids and never watch his. Its really unreasonable. If I were him I'd be reconsidering the relationship.

[diddl]

Well then tell him no!

He doesn't take you seriously where his son is concerned so you won't do it.

Or agree for the one night & make sure you absolutely sit on his son as soon as he starts anything.

Doesn't sound good for the future though.

[BreakfastLunchPasta]

I'm afraid I think YABU. I can't imagine refusing to have a friend's 7 year old for a night, never mind if he was my dss.
Just plan lots of activities to keep them busy, wear them out in the park, then do a pizza/movie night? Or maybe involve all the DC in planning how to spend the night? Decide to have fun together and be enthusiastic.
It might help you develop a bond with the little boy?

Sorry I haven't read your previous threads so don't have the full picture, but your dp asking you to have him for 1 night doesn't sound like a pisstake.

[PaperDollChain]

I'm not trying to make out the problem is with the DC. This particular thread is about watching him for one night. I'm dealing with the overall dynamics over on step parenting who I must say seem to be way more understanding of the nuances that step families create. And I am sure that I somy want to watch him, I'm just asking if that's reasonable in the circumstances.

My DC fight all the time but I am used to it. Add in another child and it's hell. My middle child has been having some emotional and behavioural problems since I split with her dad. She can throw huge tantrums in which she breaks things and is violent to anyone around her. I find it difficult enough managing her (even though she's been going through a better patch) and having DSC here sets her off. I've also got a chronic illness that causes chronic exhaustion so my emotional and physical reserves just aren't there. I can't cooe with the fighting, I can't cope with the conflict, I can't cope with him ignoring everything I ask of him, I can't cope with him running off, I can't cope with the arguing about what they want to do, I can't cope with them crying and whining, I cant cope with trying to please them all because it's impossible to do. They are all vying for the power position and working out their place within the 'family' plus my DC are the ones who have to share their space and their stuff every time because we can go to DP's place for obvious reasons. I just can't cope. And I cant cope with upsetting DP either.

[Cel982]

You do sound a bit unreasonable, OP, based on the limited information you've shared here. You are not being asked to become this child's step-parent, or to have him live with you - it's one night of babysitting. You seem to be interpreting it as a much bigger, 'boundary-crossing' undertaking, which it really isn't.

[Cel982]

Sorry, cross-posted there. Please talk to your partner.

[PaperDollChain]

Cel, actually he is. He's desperate for us to buy somewhere and wants us both to save for a deposit. I'm happy to do this but in a couple of years. He wants us to do it next year which I think is too soon.

[TendonQueen]

If it's stressing you to that degree, you need to take a break from it all. No time with his kids at yours at ALL for a while. Tell him. That's what I mean.

[Cel982]

But that's a separate issue from this one night, surely? Looking after his son for a few hours does not commit you to any major life upheavals.

[MistressDeeCee]

OP you say you haven't been with him long and yet it appears he knows your DC well. He's also at yours a lot and you say he is helpful to you. To be honest given the situation I would look after his DC. This is the thing getting together with men who have young children - it can make things more difficult but its part of the package isn't it? If he is with you a lot then apart from this particular night out surely his DC is with you quite a bit too?

Im not saying you are wrong for feeling as you do, necessarily - just that your DC has a child and that must be factored into your relationship. As close as you are I can't understand why you can't look after his child for a night although the other part of me thinks well, he shouldn't have arranged a night out on his contact night on the understanding that "convenient you" would be there to do the babysitting

All in all I think you have to decide if his child is a dealbreaker for you..is this child truly terrible? Whatever the case you are with his dad tho...

[TendonQueen]

This is one of those threads where people give advice based on one small thing, when actually the small thing is the straw that broke the camel's back in relation to much larger issues.

[MistressDeeCee]

Sorry just realised your DP's childcare for the night had fallen through which is why he asked you. Still hmmm re. him knowing he had a works night out on his contact night with DC, and yet arranging a babysitter for said night - why not ask his ex to change contact night initially, explaining he has a works do? But yes in your shoes Id cope with his child for one night. Aren't you going to be a blended family on many occasions in the future? If you have to balk at just one night then you've a lot of thinking to do

[firesidechat]

I agree Tendon.

Despite not being a step parent I came across the op's other thread recently and I think the op is being taken advantage of.