To consider a DNA test....

[fitznmolly]

on one of my DC.
DS was whisked off to NICU after a C-section and was returned to me a day later.
I, however, am not convinced he is mine. I was away from my bed when he was brought back and I remember thinking "woh - who's that?" When I looked into his cot and so him for the first time.
He looks very different to the rest of the family, different eye colour, build etc. More worryingly his nature, intellect and disposition are also as if he is from a different background or culture.
I know it would be a HUGE thing to do - and I do feel that it would cause more harm than good. However I can't help but feel that some error was made in the hospital.
Any advice or similar situation would be appreciated.

Do you know anyone who works at a hospital? Or a midwife?

I'd want to get an idea if it was even logistically possible first. Surely they're mega careful about ID'ing babies.

My baby (11) didn't have two tags, and the one she did have kept falling off, so tags aren't infallable. But anyway, I am going to swim against the current and say do get the DNA test. I think that as he is almost certainly yours then knowing that, absolutely, will help you accept his individuality and bond with him, which at his age is so important. Apart from the issue of being able to accept him, if you feel, even in a tiny part of you, that there could have been a mix up, then you must be thinking that your real son is out there somewhere? How terrible to go through your life feeling that! And if it did turn out that there had been a mix up, well it would possibly come out at some point anyway, and surely it is better to know asap and to deal with it as well as possible? There is nothing to lose by getting the test done, and everything to gain by knowing the truth.

So much to digest and more sides to think about.
Thank you for showing me that at least I'm not alone in having thought this and to feel the guilt associated. Thanks also for the understanding - it certainly isn't the nicest of places to be in and for that to be recognised and not judged really helps.

This is the first time I've 'vocalised' it seriously - so you have definitely given me other insights.

DH is from a large family and some of his siblings also have large families. When someone has 7-10 children you can easily see the range of natural variations of siblings. If the parents look different from each other then even more variation is likely. DH is North African and I am Celtic - DS1 was born with brown hair and brown eyes, DS2 with blonde hair and blue eyes, yet if you see them side by side they are clearly siblings.

I do think that you have a disconnect with your DS linked to your birth experience and PND. If you have convinced yourself that he is "different" then you will spot the differences and ignore the similarities. Please get some therapy for yourself as this is a heavy burden for you to carry.

Why now though?

What made you ask the question now? You don't have to answer here, but it might help you if you realise what the trigger was.

NC

I can sympathise, and just because you have questioned yourself about it, does not necessarily mean that you have not bonded with him or don't love him.

I have those thoughts regularly about our youngest, she looks so different to the rest of us, completely different colouring, has the sweetest nature of anyone I know (unlike the rest of us), has talents none of the rest of us have. I once broached the subject with my DH and he was furious with me at even thinking it, so I have never brought it up again, but I think about it regularly and shudder at the potential outcome if that was the case.

I would be absolutely terrified to get a DNA test in case my worst fears were true, she is my everything, I absolutely adore her and whatever her DNA may be or not, I am still her Mum and she is my life.

Like others here who have had those thoughts, she almost died at birth, I didn't see her for the first 6 hours, DH saw her for the first time 4 hours after her birth, and by the time we did see her, she was hooked up to machines and ventilator, and we couldn't even see her little face or hold her. She spent 6 weeks in NICU where there were another 2 close calls when we thought we would lose her.

I never associated her traumatic start in life, with the ongoing thoughts of her being switched at birth, but it does make sense now and actually gives me a lot of comfort and reassurance. Especially to realise I am not the only NICU mom here to feel that.

For you, if it really is something you want to do, I believe it is possible to do discreet DNA tests, i.e. a lock of hair, his toothbrush, he would not know you were doing it. It can all be done by post. You would obviously need his father to agree to do a DNA test too, it would put your mind at rest at least.

I wouldn't say that I am at all against the idea of testing, in fact I would definitely have done that with DD and was preparing to do so when the impulse vanished, but I do think that it won't necessarily help.

Like most parents I imagine we all want to feel that our child is ours. It is distressing if you don't - and as other have said it can lead to feelings of shame too. Knowing the cold hard fact that it is incredibly unlikely that it isn't your child, doesn't provide the secure feeling that it is. Getting a DNA test may not provide that feeling either....as it is just one more fact that makes it incredibly unlikely the child isn't yours.

I don't think a DNA test would have helped in my case, because I didn't really have factual doubts...I had emotional doubts.

These resolved themselves in my case when I came to terms with having missed the birth of DD and the first two hours of her life, due to being unconscious. When I was able to let go the feelings of shame and the sense of failure about the birth, I suddenly wasn't uncertain about who she was any more.

I am sure the details are different for the women on here who were aware of the birth but were then separated shortly afterwards - but I imagine the root causes are similar. The profound stress, anxiety, shame, guilt, pain, fear induced by a traumatic birth experience can all conspire to mess with the brains perception of self and recall of events. Dealing with the trauma and healing the memory can cause the rest to fall into place.

He is now 13 so far too late to go down this route now. He had grown up in this family. He is your son, you are his mother irrespective of DNA.

Objectively it is very, very unlikely s switch had occurred. If by some rare chance it had happened what would you do with that knowledge? Would you do a swap with the other family and wrench him away from the only family he has ever known?

I think this is much more to do with your PND and failure to bond. Please get some counselling to help you finally accept your son as yours