To consider a DNA test....

[fitznmolly]

on one of my DC.
DS was whisked off to NICU after a C-section and was returned to me a day later.
I, however, am not convinced he is mine. I was away from my bed when he was brought back and I remember thinking "woh - who's that?" When I looked into his cot and so him for the first time.
He looks very different to the rest of the family, different eye colour, build etc. More worryingly his nature, intellect and disposition are also as if he is from a different background or culture.
I know it would be a HUGE thing to do - and I do feel that it would cause more harm than good. However I can't help but feel that some error was made in the hospital.
Any advice or similar situation would be appreciated.

I just don't see how you could possibly do this now, as whatever you say to him will make him feel like an outsider as you think of him as different.

I have a friend, when you see her with her family, she is like a fish out of water.
Never any suggestion she isn't their biological child, but really, she is SOO different from them.

In her case, her family are all serious academics, with PHds etc. She ...well, isn't. She can't keep up with the dinner table conversation, she is massively disorganised and she is into stuff that they don't get, eg she is really into cooking.

It makes me sad, as in her case her family look down on her. But the point is, she is a real mis-fit, so it does happen.

So you do worry about him and him fitting in your family and the consequences for that and you also think about the other baby he might have been switched with, which might be yours and somewhere out there?

He's in a difficult age, so that might explain the difference.

Tricky one.

dontcryitsonlyajoke - Thank you.
You're right. He's mine regardless.
I think that's the talking to I needed.

He's your son. Doesn't matter now whether he's blood or not, you've raised him for 13 years, fed him, clothed him, held him, loved him.

He's your son. I think you need to find a way to make your peace with that.

Appearance can vary a lot within a family. Things like nature, intellect and disposition can also vary a lot within a family that are genetically related. DS1 and DS2, for instance, have very different dispositions despite sharing the same parents.

I do sympathise with the baby swap worries though - DS1 was whisked off to SCBU alone after he was born. He had some very distinctive marks and dents on his head and face as a result of circumstances around his birth, and I remember thinking that at least I didn't have to worry about him getting mixed up with another baby because his appearance would make it impossible for a swap to go unnoticed.

Before you go any further down the DNA testing route, I would think very carefully about what you'd do if it turns out he's not your biological child. Perhaps consider counselling as suggested above?

Unfortunately his Father isn't available to discuss it with.
But having read all your responses - I believe it would be best to bury it for all concerned.
Thanks for showing me some clarity.

I can't see how you could do this at 13 without destroying your relationship.

Even if the results came back showing that he was yours, he may well feel that you think he's an outsider in your family and you can't accept him for who he is.

I don't get the culture/intellect/speaking thing. Most of that isn't genetically determined.

Are you in the uk?

I ask because ds is 13 and when he was born, it was standard practice for the baby to immediately be given 2 tags, one on wrist and one on ankle. If the baby lost both, they would put the maternity unit on lock down, and check every child to make sure every child was with the right parent.

It would have been very difficult for a baby to be swapped, as it would assume 2 babies had lost both tags.

Would it be worth finding out what the procedure was for your hospital? that might put your mind at rest.

Honestly- genes are peculiar. If you met my husband alongside his family you'd be confused. They're dark- he's blonde. He's bright- they're not (and make fun of that kind of thing- call him "The Professor"). He doesn't look like anyone in the family, he's very hairy and his Dad and brothers are hairless. DH is very softly spoken a shy, rest of the family are outgoing and gregarious.

Then some old photos were uncovered of his maternal grandfather that no one knew- he died when MIL was a baby and MILs mum isn't around- and boom- my DH is his double. We assume he was also shy and clever!!!

OP, the chances of your baby being swapped in a UK hospital are astronomically low - unimaginably low.

Whereas feeling your baby 'isn't yours' is a symptom of PND - which you were diagnosed with.

My DC - my eldest is very different in colouring (v dark) from both my other 2 dc, and my DH. So much so, that a couple people have thought he is mine from a previous marriage, and has a different Dad from the younger 2, as the younger 2 look so much like DH. But he's 100% ours - His colouring is straight from his grandparents/great grandparents.

I'm not sure how you'd explain a DNA test to a 13yr old, tbh - I'm not sure whether it would be the right way to go. I would suggest returning to your GP to talk this over.

I'm not sure burying it is quite the right course of action.

You do need to speak to someone about how you are feeling, because it isn't going to just go away.

The manner of speaking might be influenced by the friends he has, school he goes to, shows he watches so it's not surprising he's different from his siblings.

Gosh I think I'd need to find out, either way, but then I'd have no idea what I'd do next if he wasn't my biological child. It's definitely not a decision you should make lightly.

Would there be a way of testing with your DS knowing/ knowing what it's really for? I can imagine he'd be devastated if his family didn't think he fitted in with them so they think he's not biologically theirs.

How easy is it to mix up babies? DS had a hospital band on both ankles, assuming one for spare if the other fell off. Is it the same in nicu?

Sorry, I've not really helped. I just think I'd have to know otherwise I'd feel like it was hanging over me forever.

Thank you Steppemum - I have no idea when that would have happened - as he was basically whisked away whilst I was being stitched up. But that does give me food for thought and hope that indeed a mistake couldn't happen.

without*

In your situation I would test because I'd want to know for certain either way. I don't think it'll make him any less your child if you find out he biologically isn't yours but as PP said, it would eat away at me not knowing.

My 2 children are vastly different. DD is highly organised/logical/scientific and hardly spoke when she was little. I used to joke that I didn't know who her mother was, she's so different to the rest of our family! When my son was 13 I didn't recognise the way he was behaving, it's an age where they can be really different/isolate themselves from family.

My feeling is that you had a traumatic time during/after his birth, that has continued to cause you torment. I think it would be really good for you to get counselling to help you deal with this. It must have been awful giving birth then not seeing your baby for a whole day, how bewildering for you. You are his mum, you've just not ever had the chance to process/deal with your trauma.

Glittery Fluff - I got your meaning - thank you.

They are only taken into the next room to be tagged if you are still in theatre. I think it's really highly unlikely and your feelings are more to do with your initial depression

One of my children is very different to the other. His height, build, colouring, nature, intelligence! We had genetic counselling and even the geneticist said, he doesn't even look like he could be your son :o he def is!:o

I think test if you feel you need to though, just to reassure you. You can't go through life worrying all the time

I know someone in a similar position. All the other children are tall and light hair, blue eyes. He is small, tanned and dark hair and eyes. People used to joke he was the milkmans not his Dads :( he ended up doing a test himself when he was older. He is theres so it must just be a genetic family throw back.

Thanks Keeptrudging and the others who responded similarly.
I used to 'joke' that I didn't bond with him until he was 6 - maybe it wasn't such a joke afterall.

Perhaps it is me and not him.

Oh gosh. How terrible to be feeling this way. Honestly, I don't think there's a perfect solution to this. If you don't do the test, you will always wonder. If you do the test and it turns out your DS is biologically not yours....well where do you go from there? The only good outcome would be if you did the test and he's definitely yours, but even that has the potential for trouble if DS was to ever find out you'd done it. Not to mention that you would still need to deal with your feelings on this, which won't go away just because you have proof DS is yours in the genetic sense.

No judgement from here though OP, it sounds like whatever you ultimately decide to do, you definitely need to speak to someone.