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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To consider a DNA test....

83 replies

fitznmolly · 26/01/2016 09:30

on one of my DC.
DS was whisked off to NICU after a C-section and was returned to me a day later.
I, however, am not convinced he is mine. I was away from my bed when he was brought back and I remember thinking "woh - who's that?" When I looked into his cot and so him for the first time.
He looks very different to the rest of the family, different eye colour, build etc. More worryingly his nature, intellect and disposition are also as if he is from a different background or culture.
I know it would be a HUGE thing to do - and I do feel that it would cause more harm than good. However I can't help but feel that some error was made in the hospital.
Any advice or similar situation would be appreciated.

OP posts:

Pipistrella · 26/01/2016 10:21

I don't think it is ideal timing as he will have to be made aware of it if it turns out he isn't your child, and he is at a point where it will be a very sensitive issue - this is when they are starting to detach from you, so having to reevaluate their attachment isn't great.

However I think if there is some way of doing a test without his knowledge, so that if he is yours he will never need to know, that may be the way forward. I'm not certain if his consent would be required - but DNA can be obtained from various sources and I don't think it has to be a full on blood sample or saliva swab.

Sorry, I'm not sure if this seems like a sneaky thing to do - I'm really not sure on this. But if I had your level of insecurity about it, I would want to know for certain.

I know mine can't be anyone else's, because I was there, and because they are very much like their parents in physical appearance and mannerisms and so on. It's really obvious.

You have doubts on both counts, which must be unsettling. I think you may find you attached to him far better once you know for sure he was your baby.

If he isn't - well, that's a whole different ball game.

ingeniousidiot · 26/01/2016 10:26

Do the test. He will be yours. Matter will be settled and all doubt will be removed.

Jobbabylifedilemma · 26/01/2016 10:28

OP I really feel for you.

I had a traumatic birth with DD who is 4 (EMCS). She didn't cry when they took her out and they didn't show her to me over the screens as you see on holby City etc, they whisked her straight to the little incubatory thing they had in the corner of the room. She was fine, she was just quiet (not now though!) but when they handed her to me I remember my first thought was 'this is not my baby', 'she doesn't even look like me or DH'. People told me constantly she was my mirror image and I just couldn't see it. I had horrendous PND, didn't bond and in the back of my mind kept questioning if she was mine.

Long story short I no longer have PND after some intense treatment and managed to bond with her by the time she was 3. Looking at pictures of me when I was her age and now I've recently finally been able to see she is actually the image of me.

I would recommend having more counselling OP. It helped me so much.

grannytomine · 26/01/2016 10:29

Can you do the test without him knowing? I wouldn't want a child to know I did that but on the other hand is it affecting your relationship with him? I know someone whose mother felt like you, her mother is in her 70s and it is really obvious that she isn't included the way her siblings are. Its hard to explain, I'm not saying her mother is cruel or nasty just something like a barrier there. I know people say well he is yours now and obviously that is true, you have brought him up but if you think your own child could be out there it must take a toll. I hope it works out.

lostInTheWash · 26/01/2016 10:31

My siblings look nothing alike - yet stick me in there and you can see we are all related. I have colouring the same with one, face shape other, nose and chin with other etc..

I am very different with personality and how academic I am.

So it could easily be genetics coming different - and the initial bonding issue thanks to traumatic birth still lingering. In fact given how babies are tagged and hospital do have steps in place to stop babies being mis-assigned it's more likely that than a swap.

At 13 I'd be worried about broaching it with your DS - maybe if older and he brings it up - and I don't think you can do it without him knowing.

getyourselfchecked · 26/01/2016 10:33

A 13 year old will probably need to consent to the test (as he is probably competent to make the decision). No doctor would do this without seeking consent from the child. Very unethical.

Gobbolino6 · 26/01/2016 10:40

What a horrible situation. When the nurses brought him back, did you query it? Do you think the PND was caused by wondering?

If this were me, I'd see a counsellor to work through all your feelings /what you might do given all possible outcomes, and I'd do this before considering a test.

IceBeing · 26/01/2016 10:43

OP I had these kind of feelings for my 4 yo DD (after years of PND). I did feel she was mine but I also felt something in me would be more relaxed if I knew for certain from a DNA test.

What happened with me is that I processed some of the trauma surrounding the birth and suddenly the desire to check disappeared.

You mentioned that you were diagnosed with PND also. Is it possible you also suffered trauma during the birth and that lingering problems with your mental state are manifesting themselves as this kind of doubt?

Kr1stina · 26/01/2016 10:44

I'm so sorry you feel like this . Please please get some some counselling . Whatever you decide to do , you need a chance to work it all out in a safe place . If you have felt like this for 13 years, you can't just put it out of your mind .

IceBeing · 26/01/2016 10:45

jobbaby I wonder how many of us there are with this same experience?!? I wonder if 'this isn't my baby' could be used as an early diagnostic of birth trauma?

Thurlow · 26/01/2016 10:47

Having your baby whisked away is a very difficult thing.

I had this - I didn't see DD until nearly 12 hours later and when I was wheeled down to NICU, I had to ask which one of the babies was mine. Didn't have a clue.

It took me a while to come to terms with that and I can see, with hindsight, that I was very relaxed about being (or not being with her) and didn't have that immediate rush of love thing people go on about. It took a while for us to bond really.

My gut feeling, reading your OP and having been there too, is that you have these strong feelings of confusion, guilt, panic, whatever it was at the time, and they've just spent years digging away at you and led you to start to wonder this about your son.

I'd also recommend counselling over DNA testing. I hope you can feel better about this.

WizardOfToss · 26/01/2016 10:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MackerelOfFact · 26/01/2016 10:48

I agree with ingeniousidiot. The chances of him not being yours are absolutely tiny. If having this reaffirmed by a DNA test will improve your bond with him, that can only be a good thing, surely. Just make sure he never, ever finds out.

Eliza22 · 26/01/2016 10:50

This so difficult as its not just about the test and consequent result. It could turn all of your lives (and another family's) upside down. However, these things have happened, albeit very very rarely.

Only you can decide. What does your DH feel?

Personally, I would want to know but, then again....

Purplecan4 · 26/01/2016 10:51

Some people do look different from their families. I know a woman with 2dc - both blond haired and blue eyed really fair skinned, these two would look like twins but they have a 5 year age gap. In the middle of them is dc2. Now that dc is much darker skinned, darker hair and eyes and substantially taller (in relative terms) than the (full) siblings either side and very different in nature, build, interests etc. It does happen!

GrimmauldPlace · 26/01/2016 10:57

I'm one of 6 children. We all look quite different from each other. One of my brothers is completely different personality wise. You'd think he was brought up with a different family. Obviously all of my siblings have different personalities but his is vastly different. The way he acts, thinks and speaks is such a world away from the rest of us. He has even got a different accent. He is also an identical twin. So definitely not switched at birth.
I think it's just one of those things and goes against the nature/nurture debate completely. We are all individuals after all.

LieselMeminger · 26/01/2016 10:59

I'm sorry you're going through this OP.

What were the births like with your DC, I was just wondering if it's possible you feel differently about your ds because deep down you link him with memories of his birth and the depression that followed.

There's this idea that every woman has this rush of instant love and perfectly bonds with baby, when for many many women this doesn't happen, and the baby is a constant reminder of the (sometimes traumatic) birth you've had and you don't get time to deal with that as you've a baby to look after. Even an uncomplicated pregnancy and birth takes a big toll on women's bodies and minds imo. Its difficult to talk about not binding with baby, but it's more common than many think.

I don't think burying it is a good idea, maybe speaking to GP about your feelings, you might feel better having a medical professional telling you that it's totally normal for siblings to be totally different and you could get help to deal with your feelings.

It must awful feeling this way, 13 years is a long time, he's your son regardless of any DNA results, but I do think you should chat to a GP about how you feel, not so much to organise a DNA, but to get help for yourself, lots of women feel this way.

Cachareltastic · 26/01/2016 11:05

I am going against the grain here, I would covertly do the DNA. Not telling DS.

Do you suffer from anxiety? if so this fear could have been born out of a the trauma, depression and anxiety you suffered in the early years.

This would put to bed any fears and strengthen your bond with him as he is going through puberty. I think otherwise you would always be looking at him wondering what if?

I would recommend that you get some counselling regardless of outcome, you have carried this around for a long time and it must have been eating away at you.

Eudaemonia · 26/01/2016 11:05

It would be extraordinarily unlikely to mix up a baby in the neonatal unit if that's any consolation. He should have been labelled with your details before leaving you and then if he was a full term baby he would have stuck out like a sore thumb amongst all the teeny premature babies so there would be no way of mixing him up!

I could imagine a baby getting mixed up if they were all in rows of cots of similar babies like you see on american TV shows but on a neonatal unit with only 1 or 2 babies per nurse and very few term babies at all with identification labels being checked before sending blood tests or giving medications it would be extraordinarily unlikely. I would imagine it's quite a natural worry though because of the trauma of being separated from your baby so early in his life in such a stressful situation. Why not just get the test done so you can put your mind at rest if the cost wouldn't be difficult for you to afford?

SlightlyJaded · 26/01/2016 11:12

Google "siblings who look completely different" and you will see just how random the genetic make up of each child is. Each child inherits chromosomes from grandparents etc and throwbacks are really quite common. There are pictures of siblings that look completely and utterly different - even down to mixed race children with pale red headed full siblings.

I honestly think this is more about you and this 'nagging doubt' is something you have created to hang a more general anxiety onto. I think counselling would really help you.

SpinyCrevice · 26/01/2016 11:15

OP, get the DNA test done, covertly if necessary. Mistakes do get made and they are well documented. The major advantage of the answer would be that you know for certain and this would make you feel so much better about this situation. Time and again MNers are told on here to follow their gut feeling, follow yours. The test will give you peace of mind and that will be invaluable to you. It's a small price to pay for you to be able to relax and know what's what.

MaryRobinson · 26/01/2016 11:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jobbabylifedilemma · 26/01/2016 11:29

Icebeing probably more than we both realised. I don't know about you but I've felt so ashamed for those 'she is not my baby' thoughts. I thought I was weird, a bad mum. It's only actually reading this thread which has made me realise that I'm not the only one who has felt this way. I'm still having counselling to help me in general (and part of it is about my terror of having another baby) and this feeling is one of the things I've needed to be helped with.

Sorry for hijacking the thread OP. Just know you're not alone.

WinterBabyHMW · 26/01/2016 11:29

Are you sure it didn't kick off, when you were diagnosed? If I was 100% convinced it was a different BABY, I would have had it tested when he was a baby...

WonderingAspie · 26/01/2016 11:38

Wow, from reading your posts, I'd guess that this has affected your bonding with him. It really does come across like that.

I'd have to know, one way or the other. Then you can put your mind at ease once and for all but I'm not the type to let stuff go, if the thought is there, I can't get rid of it. I also wouldn't tell him, what good would that do. I'm sure you can do it without him knowing.

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