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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel angry that FIL is so critical and jugemental about me?

65 replies

InnerDiva · 25/01/2016 13:38

Yet his own daughter, aka SIL, has a total and utter car crash of a life, going from drama to drama, often caused by her.

He always, always has to make some nasty sting in the tail remark when he sees me, either about my job, or my weight (I'm a size 8-10 FFS), or how I parent my children, or about the house. He always has a smirk on his face when he says things and laughs when I say anything back or defend myself and says that I am oversensitive. His latest thing is to call my job 'Your little shop thing', as I work as an assistant manager at a shop. He never says "How is work?", it's always "Are you doing your little shop thing still?". Then he laughs when I ask him what he means. He also seems to think that DH does everything and that I'm some kind of lazy cling-on that does nothing and lives off his poor son's earnings. When I had PND after having my youngest child he made lots of comments about that too and said I was lazy. I am also apparently 'porky'

What annoys me is that SIL has a total wreck of a life. She gets sacked from jobs regularly (for things like not bothering to turn up), gets evicted from houses as she doesn't pay her rent, has been in trouble with the police for various petty things, is very overweight. Yet he thinks the sun shines out of her bum.

I am so cross about it all. DH doesn't like me saying things back to his dad, and cutting off contact is not an option as then I will end up with DH divorcing me, but arrggghhhh!

OP posts:

trulybadlydeeply · 25/01/2016 14:13

Of course this is unacceptable.

Just have a list of retorts ready for him.

"You're porky" - Thank you for your concern about my health, it's so lovely that you care, but my BMI of XX is well within the healthy range.

"How's your little shop thing" - I enjoy my retail management career, thank you for asking.

Etc etc.

Do not let him know that he's getting to you. Smile sweetly when you see him and tell him how nice it is to see him. A bully like this will back off when you stand up to him. Show him up for what he is.

I an concerned that your DH minimises this behaviour, though.

Whatdoidohelp · 25/01/2016 14:16

When he phones and you realise it's him just blurt out bluntly "I'll get dh" and take phone away from your ear.

RideEmCowgirl · 25/01/2016 14:19

If your FIL is rude to you only when you are alone, does it matter if you are rude back as there is no-one to hear it.

If he tittle tattles to DH then completely deny it but feign concern that he is going mad.

Really think you have a DH problem here and THAT is what will split you up - not your FIL

Radiatorvalves · 25/01/2016 14:22

He sounds v unpleasant. I have a friend who is v high powered. Think mega salary and the odd interview on Radio 4's Today. Her MIL thought that she was essentially a rather successful secretary and that her son was the one who'd done rather well.

They both had good jobs, but friend was paid about 4x as much as her DH...it irritated her no end, but knew MIL was a bit odd and her DH supported her.

Good luck.

theycallmemellojello · 25/01/2016 14:23

Sorry, you lose all credibility with me talking about your SIL's "car crash life" as if that has anything to do with anything. Maybe he senses your sense of superiority over his DD.

mogloveseggs · 25/01/2016 14:24

My fil is like this. 99% of the time I manage to ignore him. But it is infuriating. I often wonder how on earth dh is as lovely as he is.

kaitlinktm · 25/01/2016 14:26

"How's your little shop thing?"
"Fine thanks - how's your little [insert FiL's profession] thing?"

My FiL used to make comments when I was alone - I really tried not to ever be alone with him.

"Do you really intend to be as rude as you sound FiL?"
"You're too sensitive - I'm only joking."
"Jokes are supposed to make people feel happy - not hurt."

In the end I avoided going - told now-XH that it was to avoid bad feelings and unpleasantness.

Ludways · 25/01/2016 14:28

I don't see what bearing sil's life has on this subject, merely that she's another female? You're not in competition for his respect with his own daughter. You're actually doing the same to your sil as he's doing to you, all be it not to her face.

That said, he's an arse towards you and you need to deal with him and do needs to back you up.

Viviennemary · 25/01/2016 14:29

Get a phone which displays the person's number. If it's him don't answer. Why should you put up with this man's rudeness. Just say you're having no more to do with him till he learns to stop this aggravating behaviour. If you can't go no contact then just totally ignore him and walk out the room. I think you have an issue with your DH if he is witnessing this and yet you can't retaliate.

ChampaleSocialist · 25/01/2016 14:31

YANBU, he's a mysoginist shit.

Dont confront him, dont retort. He'd love that.
Let his comments wash over you, He is irrelevant.
That will be the most annoying thing you can do.

He makes those comments to get a rise. Dont react. Get to the point where he doesnt affect you.

CrystalMcPistol · 25/01/2016 14:34

I couldn't ignore. I'd have to squash him like a fly.

Be icy as fuck.

CrystalMcPistol · 25/01/2016 14:34

But yes, your DH really needs to have a word with his father.

hesterton · 25/01/2016 14:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

allwornout0 · 25/01/2016 14:40

My FIL is the same, adores his carbon copy (golden child) son and girlfriend but is a vile bully towards me. My dh seems to be scared of him but won't admit it.
I just hope karma bites him hard one day.

pocketsaviour · 25/01/2016 14:45

This man has been bullying your DH for his whole life, and unfortunately your DH has normalised it as "loving" behaviour for a parent.

This would make me worry what parenting techniques he is planning to use on his own children.

Toxic In-Laws may help you come up with some strategies short of calling him a cunt to his face but ultimately your DH needs to be aware that it's not acceptable to be a bully, and that neither you, he nor your DC have to just keep smiling and eating shit.

shovetheholly · 25/01/2016 14:48

No wonder your SIL has a car wreck of a life with a parent like him!! Poor woman!

I would read up on assertiveness and stand up to him. I expect he'll fall over completely when you do, e.g. 'When you call my job a 'little job thing' I feel upset and diminished. I'd really like you to stop.' And if he calls you oversensitive, be like a broken record: 'Oversensitive or not, it upsets me and I'm asking you to please stop doing it'. Just keep smiling, but be steely underneath it and don't lose your cool. I love trulybadly's suggestions above too! Some of those could really work.

I really worry about your relationship with your DH. I understand filial loyalty, but this is direct rudeness and it's demeaning. Why doesn't your DH stand up to him? Is he frightened of him as a bully?

LagunaBubbles · 25/01/2016 14:54

This man has been bullying your DH for his whole life, and unfortunately your DH has normalised it as "loving" behaviour for a parent.

Agree with this.

Murloc · 25/01/2016 14:54

You need a two-pronged approach here.

Firstly; your DH needs to understand how this is making you feel. If he won't listen, or minimises, then you've got a bigger problem than FIL. Try to be non-confrontational, and explain that you simply won't be engaging with FIL while he's acting in such a childish way. Explain that DH doesn't have to do anything (although support would be nice!) but he has to respect your decision to subtly withdraw from conversations in which you are made to feel uncomfortable, however the comments are meant.

Secondly; FIL. Whatever you do, don't rise to him. That's where he's getting his kick. Without analysing how he feels about you, his daughter, male/female power balances etc, just know that it's his insecurity making him behave like a dick. Nose in the air, big girl pants on, wry smile and an airily confused "whatever could you mean by that, FIL" repeated whenever he is rude will eventually work.

I had a similar situation with my FIL for years, and now he just doesn't bother any more as it's not worth his effort to try. Good luck. You'll need it, and it's hard, but you've got to try for the sake of your children (if you have them). They shouldn't ever see anyone allowed to behave like this to you.

Mine now begrudgingly admits that I'm not the she-devil he had me out to be, and we've a much better relationship for me gently and quietly not accepting his shitty behaviour and comments. Think he respects me for it, in a way.

Canyouforgiveher · 25/01/2016 14:56

I can see why your SIL has a car crash life with him rearing her.

He would love for you to engage. that is why he says these things. If your dh doesn't support you, he gets a bonus.

I would completely ignore-as someone said, blank look, hmmmm, back to what ever you were doing. It will drive him crazy.

If you can't do that then I agree with 'Aren't you a funny little old man!" every single time. Along with a poke in the ribs and a chortle if you can manage it.

you also need to talk to your dh about his support of you. it is not acceptable for him to tell you you have to meet this man and have to put up with his bad behaviour. He should be telling his dad to back off.

Hihohoho1 · 25/01/2016 15:00

Yes totally agree with arnt you a funny little old man*

Trust me confronting a snidy bully won't work. He will just say you have no sense of humour.

Laugh at him and minimise contact.

Your dh won't step up to the plate op. He either won't or is too scared to see the behaviour.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 25/01/2016 15:08

Get caller ID. Don't answer when it's him or number withheld.

expatinscotland · 25/01/2016 15:11

Yep, 'Are you a funny little old man!' Over and over and over. To everything.

And I'd have words with DH about minimising contact with him for me. I wouldn't see him unless necessary.

LaurieLemons · 25/01/2016 15:24

Sorry but DH doesn't like you saying things back? Fuck that! You are perfectly within your rights to tell him to talk to you with a bit of respect. Just correct him or give a sarky comment back whenever he says something. If DH prefers to stick his head in the sand then good for him but he has no place telling you not to say anything when it's making you feel like shit.

OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer · 25/01/2016 15:39

love the "arent you a funny little old man" comment. I'd use that all the time!

DH doesn't like me saying things back to his dad, and cutting off contact is not an option as then I will end up with DH divorcing me, but arrggghhhh!

You have a big DH problem. It might be a painful but good idea to take a very long look at how much he values you and his father and the state of your relationship ... hard as that is.

MistressDeeCee · 25/01/2016 15:46

Don't judge your SIL for her life, its nothing to do with you nor does it affect you

You have a DH problem which is more pressing than the sexist idiot FIL problem. Sounds as if you have to put up and shut up at their command, and your FIL is going to blatantly take the piss out of you for as long as he's around.

I think expat's advice is best - take the piss back, nothing longwinded just short and sweet, laugh at him. Broken record technique, same thing every time. Here's hoping you don't get "told off" by your DH for doing this however. If your DH had any sense he'd see amongst the reasons for his father bullying you, is that his father doesn't respect him and thats transferable to blatantly taking the piss out of his wife

Its a shame your DH doesn't value you more than he does. You have DCs together, they're going to grow up and see and hear the way your FIL belittles you. Its a rubbish dynamic to present. Does your DH have a really good sensible mate who can sit him down and tell him how to be a man and a husband? Sounds trite but what else can be done in the face of obstinate weakness?

Good luck dealing with it all. There's a thread today about dealing with difficult people and the impact of that on life, it resonates with this one

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