To feel angry that FIL is so critical and jugemental about me?

[InnerDiva]

Yet his own daughter, aka SIL, has a total and utter car crash of a life, going from drama to drama, often caused by her.

He always, always has to make some nasty sting in the tail remark when he sees me, either about my job, or my weight (I'm a size 8-10 FFS), or how I parent my children, or about the house. He always has a smirk on his face when he says things and laughs when I say anything back or defend myself and says that I am oversensitive. His latest thing is to call my job 'Your little shop thing', as I work as an assistant manager at a shop. He never says "How is work?", it's always "Are you doing your little shop thing still?". Then he laughs when I ask him what he means. He also seems to think that DH does everything and that I'm some kind of lazy cling-on that does nothing and lives off his poor son's earnings. When I had PND after having my youngest child he made lots of comments about that too and said I was lazy. I am also apparently 'porky'

What annoys me is that SIL has a total wreck of a life. She gets sacked from jobs regularly (for things like not bothering to turn up), gets evicted from houses as she doesn't pay her rent, has been in trouble with the police for various petty things, is very overweight. Yet he thinks the sun shines out of her bum.

I am so cross about it all. DH doesn't like me saying things back to his dad, and cutting off contact is not an option as then I will end up with DH divorcing me, but arrggghhhh!

[redexpat]

Could you record these conversations and play it back to DH?

[mintoil]

I agree with PP. How on earth are you allowing DH to condone his father treating you like this? Your problem is DH.

I would refuse to answer the phone to him and if DH asked I would say because your father is rude and obnoxious. I would go NC.

If your husband won't support you then what's the point of being married to him anyway? Isn't the point of being married having someone who will support and protect you from harm? Your DH doesn't sound like he gives a shit about your feelings.

[ouryve]

So your DH effectively condones your FIL's treatment of you? You're neither allowed to stand up for yourself, nor keep your distance, because if you do either, there will be fall out from your clearly not so "D" H?

Speak your mind. If your H can't deal with that, then you want to be well away from him, too.

[Hihohoho1]

Yes that's all very well typing LTB as he doesn't see any problem with fil but back to reality here op you have been given some good sensible advice.

What will you do?

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"DH doesn't like me saying things back to his dad, and cutting off contact is not an option as then I will end up with DH divorcing me"

"DH doesn't witness it really as FIL tends to do it when I'm on my own but when I tell DH he says his dad means well and hasn't got a nasty bone in his body!"

Yep, FIL's a prick but your problem is your DH. Because let's face it, if he was backing you up and telling his dad to stop being an arse to his wife - would you be posting here about your FIL? No, didn't think so.

So, you have a few options -

• Force your DH to witness it. srslylikeomg's suggestion of repeating back to him what he said and drawing DH into the conversation is a good one.
  

• Change your phone to one with caller display, and don't answer it is it's him. You husband can either answer or FIL can leave a message.
  

• Tell your DH he can visit his dad anytime he wants but you will not be accompanying him, and he knows why because you've told him already. If he gets ansty about it, tell him fine I will come, but the first sign of sly rudeness from his dad and you will rip into him, is he OK with that? No? Fine, bye, have a nice time visiting your dad and don't come back you daddy's boy.
  

Your FIL is in the wrong. Your husband is in the wrong. They don't get to call the shots here.

[CherryBlossom321]

My FIL is the same. I stopped playing the game a few years ago. I don't really interact with him any more. I wouldn't even answer the phone if it's him.

What tends to happen now is that if he does choose to do it, several other people overhear and he shows himself up to be the arrogant prick that he is. It was quite fun to see the faces of a table full of people at a family event a few years ago, when during a group conversation he drunkenly blurted out something along the lines of "You're not fooling anyone, you're a bitch!" Genuinely had no idea and still don't know what that was all about, but apparently neither did anyone else at the table as they all looked at him in horror and proceeded to tell him how rude he was. I walked away with my dignity intact.

He just doesn't like me. And that's okay.

OP, your FIL wants you to be hurt, annoyed, upset. Don't reward his behaviour by engaging with him.

[BYOSnowman]

The funny thing with my fil is that he actually likes me!

Ignoring is the best way as it totally defuses their nonsense. Nothing like silence to make someone's comment ring round the room and make the speaker feel uncomfortable

[Narp]

He's a bully

Did he bully your DH?

[JolseBaby]

As is often the case, you don't have a FIL problem, you have a DH problem.

How can your DH possibly think that 'porky' equals 'means well'? Explain to him exactly how it makes you feel and point out that you expect your DH to back you up. If he refuses then you have bigger problems I think.

I like the suggestion of a blank look and 'hmm'. Don't comment, don't get drawn in and don't say anything. Just 'hmm', and if he pulls you on that then give a small polite smile and go and do something else.

The chances are he'll do one of two things; either he'll get bored and stop, or he'll ramp it up - at which point your DH will need to intervene.

[IsItIorAreTheOthersCrazy]

Agree with pp - lots of blank looks and 'hmm' noises when he's there.
I'm pretty sure the phone will randomly cut off when he's being rude on a call.

If he is being clever / sneaky enough to only do it when your DH isn't around, return the favour. Just look straight at him, confused expression in place and 'hmm' at him. You are not obliged to be nice to this man. What is he going to do, tell DH "I told her she was porky and she looked strangely at me?"
If he gets worse, your DH will have to intervene.

[annielouise]

It's bullying. Terrible. If he rings I'd hang up on him straight away and unplug the phone. Don't tell your DH though what you're doing. It'll drive your FIL mad. I'd also start being rude back to him - because he doesn't expect it. Deny all knowledge of that too. Don't let your DH tell you you can't and he's facilitating it then. If it gets too unpleasant I would refuse contact. Then your DH can make a choice and if it's not you, what's the loss really?

[CoffeeCoffeeAndLotsOfIt]

Blinking heck! And I thought my fil was rude

Funny old man retort sounds great.

[Bluetrews25]

....yes, my little shop thing is going really well, thanks....I get lots of time to check out which nursing home we're going to put you in......

YANBU to be angry.
Probably best to do the funny old man thing as suggested, and then to ignore, but play FIL bingo in your head and remind yourself silently that he will most likely die before you do

[Penfold007]

FIL isn't the problem, your unsupportive H on the other hand is a massive problem,

[whois]

He sounds like a prick and it's not very nice that DH doesn't stand up for you.

I'd smile sweetly and say 'oh my little shop thing is going really well thanks! I'm so lucky. How's SIL? New job wowkomg out? Where is she loving now? Terrible thing getting evicted wasn't it!"