To feel angry that FIL is so critical and jugemental about me?

[InnerDiva]

Yet his own daughter, aka SIL, has a total and utter car crash of a life, going from drama to drama, often caused by her.

He always, always has to make some nasty sting in the tail remark when he sees me, either about my job, or my weight (I'm a size 8-10 FFS), or how I parent my children, or about the house. He always has a smirk on his face when he says things and laughs when I say anything back or defend myself and says that I am oversensitive. His latest thing is to call my job 'Your little shop thing', as I work as an assistant manager at a shop. He never says "How is work?", it's always "Are you doing your little shop thing still?". Then he laughs when I ask him what he means. He also seems to think that DH does everything and that I'm some kind of lazy cling-on that does nothing and lives off his poor son's earnings. When I had PND after having my youngest child he made lots of comments about that too and said I was lazy. I am also apparently 'porky'

What annoys me is that SIL has a total wreck of a life. She gets sacked from jobs regularly (for things like not bothering to turn up), gets evicted from houses as she doesn't pay her rent, has been in trouble with the police for various petty things, is very overweight. Yet he thinks the sun shines out of her bum.

I am so cross about it all. DH doesn't like me saying things back to his dad, and cutting off contact is not an option as then I will end up with DH divorcing me, but arrggghhhh!

[whois]

He sounds like a prick and it's not very nice that DH doesn't stand up for you.

I'd smile sweetly and say 'oh my little shop thing is going really well thanks! I'm so lucky. How's SIL? New job wowkomg out? Where is she loving now? Terrible thing getting evicted wasn't it!"

[Penfold007]

FIL isn't the problem, your unsupportive H on the other hand is a massive problem,

[Bluetrews25]

....yes, my little shop thing is going really well, thanks....I get lots of time to check out which nursing home we're going to put you in......

YANBU to be angry.
Probably best to do the funny old man thing as suggested, and then to ignore, but play FIL bingo in your head and remind yourself silently that he will most likely die before you do

[CoffeeCoffeeAndLotsOfIt]

Blinking heck! And I thought my fil was rude

Funny old man retort sounds great.

[annielouise]

It's bullying. Terrible. If he rings I'd hang up on him straight away and unplug the phone. Don't tell your DH though what you're doing. It'll drive your FIL mad. I'd also start being rude back to him - because he doesn't expect it. Deny all knowledge of that too. Don't let your DH tell you you can't and he's facilitating it then. If it gets too unpleasant I would refuse contact. Then your DH can make a choice and if it's not you, what's the loss really?

[IsItIorAreTheOthersCrazy]

Agree with pp - lots of blank looks and 'hmm' noises when he's there.
I'm pretty sure the phone will randomly cut off when he's being rude on a call.

If he is being clever / sneaky enough to only do it when your DH isn't around, return the favour. Just look straight at him, confused expression in place and 'hmm' at him. You are not obliged to be nice to this man. What is he going to do, tell DH "I told her she was porky and she looked strangely at me?"
If he gets worse, your DH will have to intervene.

[JolseBaby]

As is often the case, you don't have a FIL problem, you have a DH problem.

How can your DH possibly think that 'porky' equals 'means well'? Explain to him exactly how it makes you feel and point out that you expect your DH to back you up. If he refuses then you have bigger problems I think.

I like the suggestion of a blank look and 'hmm'. Don't comment, don't get drawn in and don't say anything. Just 'hmm', and if he pulls you on that then give a small polite smile and go and do something else.

The chances are he'll do one of two things; either he'll get bored and stop, or he'll ramp it up - at which point your DH will need to intervene.

[Narp]

He's a bully

Did he bully your DH?

[BYOSnowman]

The funny thing with my fil is that he actually likes me!

Ignoring is the best way as it totally defuses their nonsense. Nothing like silence to make someone's comment ring round the room and make the speaker feel uncomfortable

[CherryBlossom321]

My FIL is the same. I stopped playing the game a few years ago. I don't really interact with him any more. I wouldn't even answer the phone if it's him.

What tends to happen now is that if he does choose to do it, several other people overhear and he shows himself up to be the arrogant prick that he is. It was quite fun to see the faces of a table full of people at a family event a few years ago, when during a group conversation he drunkenly blurted out something along the lines of "You're not fooling anyone, you're a bitch!" Genuinely had no idea and still don't know what that was all about, but apparently neither did anyone else at the table as they all looked at him in horror and proceeded to tell him how rude he was. I walked away with my dignity intact.

He just doesn't like me. And that's okay.

OP, your FIL wants you to be hurt, annoyed, upset. Don't reward his behaviour by engaging with him.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"DH doesn't like me saying things back to his dad, and cutting off contact is not an option as then I will end up with DH divorcing me"

"DH doesn't witness it really as FIL tends to do it when I'm on my own but when I tell DH he says his dad means well and hasn't got a nasty bone in his body!"

Yep, FIL's a prick but your problem is your DH. Because let's face it, if he was backing you up and telling his dad to stop being an arse to his wife - would you be posting here about your FIL? No, didn't think so.

So, you have a few options -

• Force your DH to witness it. srslylikeomg's suggestion of repeating back to him what he said and drawing DH into the conversation is a good one.
  

• Change your phone to one with caller display, and don't answer it is it's him. You husband can either answer or FIL can leave a message.
  

• Tell your DH he can visit his dad anytime he wants but you will not be accompanying him, and he knows why because you've told him already. If he gets ansty about it, tell him fine I will come, but the first sign of sly rudeness from his dad and you will rip into him, is he OK with that? No? Fine, bye, have a nice time visiting your dad and don't come back you daddy's boy.
  

Your FIL is in the wrong. Your husband is in the wrong. They don't get to call the shots here.

[Hihohoho1]

Yes that's all very well typing LTB as he doesn't see any problem with fil but back to reality here op you have been given some good sensible advice.

What will you do?

[ouryve]

So your DH effectively condones your FIL's treatment of you? You're neither allowed to stand up for yourself, nor keep your distance, because if you do either, there will be fall out from your clearly not so "D" H?

Speak your mind. If your H can't deal with that, then you want to be well away from him, too.

[mintoil]

I agree with PP. How on earth are you allowing DH to condone his father treating you like this? Your problem is DH.

I would refuse to answer the phone to him and if DH asked I would say because your father is rude and obnoxious. I would go NC.

If your husband won't support you then what's the point of being married to him anyway? Isn't the point of being married having someone who will support and protect you from harm? Your DH doesn't sound like he gives a shit about your feelings.

[redexpat]

Could you record these conversations and play it back to DH?

[MistressDeeCee]

Don't judge your SIL for her life, its nothing to do with you nor does it affect you

You have a DH problem which is more pressing than the sexist idiot FIL problem. Sounds as if you have to put up and shut up at their command, and your FIL is going to blatantly take the piss out of you for as long as he's around.

I think expat's advice is best - take the piss back, nothing longwinded just short and sweet, laugh at him. Broken record technique, same thing every time. Here's hoping you don't get "told off" by your DH for doing this however. If your DH had any sense he'd see amongst the reasons for his father bullying you, is that his father doesn't respect him and thats transferable to blatantly taking the piss out of his wife

Its a shame your DH doesn't value you more than he does. You have DCs together, they're going to grow up and see and hear the way your FIL belittles you. Its a rubbish dynamic to present. Does your DH have a really good sensible mate who can sit him down and tell him how to be a man and a husband? Sounds trite but what else can be done in the face of obstinate weakness?

Good luck dealing with it all. There's a thread today about dealing with difficult people and the impact of that on life, it resonates with this one

[OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer]

love the "arent you a funny little old man" comment. I'd use that all the time!

DH doesn't like me saying things back to his dad, and cutting off contact is not an option as then I will end up with DH divorcing me, but arrggghhhh!

You have a big DH problem. It might be a painful but good idea to take a very long look at how much he values you and his father and the state of your relationship ... hard as that is.

[LaurieLemons]

Sorry but DH doesn't like you saying things back? Fuck that! You are perfectly within your rights to tell him to talk to you with a bit of respect. Just correct him or give a sarky comment back whenever he says something. If DH prefers to stick his head in the sand then good for him but he has no place telling you not to say anything when it's making you feel like shit.

[expatinscotland]

Yep, 'Are you a funny little old man!' Over and over and over. To everything.

And I'd have words with DH about minimising contact with him for me. I wouldn't see him unless necessary.

[TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams]

Get caller ID. Don't answer when it's him or number withheld.

[Hihohoho1]

Yes totally agree with arnt you a funny little old man*

Trust me confronting a snidy bully won't work. He will just say you have no sense of humour.

Laugh at him and minimise contact.

Your dh won't step up to the plate op. He either won't or is too scared to see the behaviour.

[Canyouforgiveher]

I can see why your SIL has a car crash life with him rearing her.

He would love for you to engage. that is why he says these things. If your dh doesn't support you, he gets a bonus.

I would completely ignore-as someone said, blank look, hmmmm, back to what ever you were doing. It will drive him crazy.

If you can't do that then I agree with 'Aren't you a funny little old man!" every single time. Along with a poke in the ribs and a chortle if you can manage it.

you also need to talk to your dh about his support of you. it is not acceptable for him to tell you you have to meet this man and have to put up with his bad behaviour. He should be telling his dad to back off.

[Murloc]

You need a two-pronged approach here.

Firstly; your DH needs to understand how this is making you feel. If he won't listen, or minimises, then you've got a bigger problem than FIL. Try to be non-confrontational, and explain that you simply won't be engaging with FIL while he's acting in such a childish way. Explain that DH doesn't have to do anything (although support would be nice!) but he has to respect your decision to subtly withdraw from conversations in which you are made to feel uncomfortable, however the comments are meant.

Secondly; FIL. Whatever you do, don't rise to him. That's where he's getting his kick. Without analysing how he feels about you, his daughter, male/female power balances etc, just know that it's his insecurity making him behave like a dick. Nose in the air, big girl pants on, wry smile and an airily confused "whatever could you mean by that, FIL" repeated whenever he is rude will eventually work.

I had a similar situation with my FIL for years, and now he just doesn't bother any more as it's not worth his effort to try. Good luck. You'll need it, and it's hard, but you've got to try for the sake of your children (if you have them). They shouldn't ever see anyone allowed to behave like this to you.

Mine now begrudgingly admits that I'm not the she-devil he had me out to be, and we've a much better relationship for me gently and quietly not accepting his shitty behaviour and comments. Think he respects me for it, in a way.

[LagunaBubbles]

This man has been bullying your DH for his whole life, and unfortunately your DH has normalised it as "loving" behaviour for a parent.

Agree with this.

[shovetheholly]

No wonder your SIL has a car wreck of a life with a parent like him!! Poor woman!

I would read up on assertiveness and stand up to him. I expect he'll fall over completely when you do, e.g. 'When you call my job a 'little job thing' I feel upset and diminished. I'd really like you to stop.' And if he calls you oversensitive, be like a broken record: 'Oversensitive or not, it upsets me and I'm asking you to please stop doing it'. Just keep smiling, but be steely underneath it and don't lose your cool. I love trulybadly's suggestions above too! Some of those could really work.

I really worry about your relationship with your DH. I understand filial loyalty, but this is direct rudeness and it's demeaning. Why doesn't your DH stand up to him? Is he frightened of him as a bully?