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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to ask DH

100 replies

BrainWillingBodyNotSoMuch · 24/01/2016 09:27

That this be his last solo skiing trip.

Before children we went together but my disability has gotten a lot worse and I can no longer walk far let alone ski and currently just finding day to day living really difficult. By the time DH comes home from work I've had it.

He's going for a weeks skiing next week and I'm dreading it. DC 2 is 20 months, doesn't sleep and doesn't always eat. The amount of pain I'm in is huge as I'm not taking any effective meds to treat my illness after the last lot nearly killing me before Christmas.

On Fri I asked if this could be his last trip away until the dc are older and he said no.

As a previously capable and intelligent woman to admit that I'm not coping and to ask for help is a big thing. So his response has really upset me. He is usually brilliant with looking after me and the DC but I find his attitude to this really selfish. I'm not saying never go again, just for the next couple of years while the DC are small and totally exhausting. He goes away with work quite often (I know not the same) and he goes cycling and running so it's not as if I demand he's with us 24hrs a day.

Please be as gentle as you can in aibu.

OP posts:

MrsJayy · 24/01/2016 12:59

I dont have anxiety i have an opinion not sure why you picked on my post in particular other posters said what I did

Gobbolino6 · 24/01/2016 13:03

It will get easier as the DC get older. My dad has done a skiing trip without my disabled mum every year for the last 30 years. After we left home she started going with friends to the Canaries or similar at the same time. But she is happy with the situation and you are , and it is one week only. I'd wait and see how you feel next year, there's a big difference between 20 months and 32 and an even greater between 32 and 44.

Gobbolino6 · 24/01/2016 13:03

You are not*

MrsJayy · 24/01/2016 13:06

Yes it does get easier as they get older

diddl · 24/01/2016 13:07

I missed that he gets up a lot in the night, apologies for that.

A lot of men get in from work do/help with dinner & do bath & bed time, so if that's what he's doing, then that's part & parcel of being part of a family with young kids imo.

WoodHeaven · 24/01/2016 13:10

I think it's hard. I know that there are times when I'm not able to look after the dcs on my own (as in ensure that they are fed and hjave some clean clothes). I have been in the situation where DH went away for 2 weeks for work and tbh it was hell, even with the help of my parents.

So I can totally see where you are coming from.

On the other side, I can see why he can do with the break too.

As I now see it, it's more of an issue of 'what I can cope with being on my own with them?' compare to 'how much does DH needs a break?'. There is a need to find a balance in between the needs of both of us and our abilities.
No way you would ask someone in a wheelchair to climg a mountain. And being at home on your own with dcs can actually present similar challenges :(

Kirkenes · 24/01/2016 13:14

I'm glad you have cleared the air. It's hard with little kids at the best of times but it sounds like you generally have a good relationship and want what's best for both of you.

Littlef00t · 24/01/2016 13:20

I think if you used to go, you sadly need to put that money towards night support for you while he's away.

Topseyt · 24/01/2016 13:22

I am glad you have cleared the air.

I don't think your husband sounds like a selfish and self-centred man. That was a very unfair comment. He holds down a full time job and supports the family financially, cares for the OP (with the backup of the support package) and is up around 8 times during the night with a non-sleeping child. Is he superman? Sounds like it to me. As a young mum (years ago) I didn't do anything like all of that. I admire him.

When my FIL was very ill many years ago my MIL was his carer. It really took its toll and the only thing that kept her going, with whatever care she could get in, was long weekends away and the occasional two week holiday at her place in Spain when she could either get him into respite care or some of the wider family were available for him.

Consider going along yourself if he wants to go next year, OP, if your health and the money allows. Most of these places have creches and/or ski schools for children. You could watch and/or rest.

Jux · 24/01/2016 13:24

DD has told me that a boy in her school has a mother with ms. They go skiing every year even though she's in a wheelchair/mobility scooter; apparently there are 'mobility skis' available these days for hire at some resorts. She mentioned this to me some years ago, as I have ms and couldn't do standard skiing, and dd would really like me to have a go! Don't know if that's any help to you!

Jibberjabberjooo · 24/01/2016 13:39

He says I can go off and spend time on my own but I don't want to. I'd worry about the children and money doesn't grow on trees

Is there a reason you don't want to spend time on your own? Why would you worry about the children?

I've had time away from my DC (not overnight yet). I miss them obviously, but they're either with DH or grandparents. So what's there to worry about? Do your disabilities prevent you from going out or is it a choice? It's healthy to have some time off, have some identity outside being a mum.

ohtheholidays · 24/01/2016 13:45

YANBU but he is and I really can't read the posts where your being told your wrong.Some people really have no fucking idea and yet people yack on here all the time about people being disabilist yet when it comes to fucking being normal and making a fucking sacrafice for the one your supposed to love the one you made vows to it all goes out of the window!

I can't believe OP that he thinks it's normal to leave you alone when your disabled and so ill and with a child so young and the medication nearly killed you before Christmas?That's awful I'm sorry your going through so much.

I became disabled after we had our 5th DC,with in a year of having her because.My disabilitys and ill health and a lesser life span was caused by the hospital whilst I was in labour.

My DH is 7 years younger than me and he's Dad to all 5DC but he only helped make our youngest.His life and our lifes have changed beyond recognition.Our youngest DD is also disabled physically because of what the hospital did,she's also autistic like our DS14.

It would never ever enter his mind to think to leave us all to go of on a jolly for a week.Just like I would never dream of doing that to him if he was the one that was ill and disabled.We made vows and thos included in sickness and in health and we took our vows seriously.

I know it's not easy for my DH or my DC but I didn't choose this anymore than they did or you did for yourself and your family.Being made to feel like your an unwanted chore is not acceptable!

My feelings of guilt have been immense and more than once I've told my DH he could walk away and I would understand and I wouldn't let a bad word be said aganst him.I told him I would say I'd ended the relationship.Each time he's looked at me like my brains were falling out of my ears.Then he'd tell me that I wasn't going to get rid of him that easily.

That's what a marriage and a family is all about,it's not a pick and mix.You don't get to check in and check out when you feel like it.You have to take the crap that life throws at you along with the good times.

Honestly OP I'd be having a serious conversation with him if it was me.
I hope you start getting the help and support that you need and deserve.

aprilanne · 24/01/2016 13:51

unless you have looked after a disabled partner you cannot imagine the stress .i think he probably needs the break and the alternative could be him cracking under the strain and leaving the family home .now that would be a disaster .i would get some help in but let him go .you should also get away for a few days say a spa weekend with friends or even a theatre break with your dad .its tough on everyone believe me i know

itsbetterthanabox · 24/01/2016 14:00

I was asking how much childcare and housework he does because the op said he said he needs a break. If she does all housework and all childcare with a disability then she would need to a break just as much but maybe wouldn't choose to leave for a week as it would make things harder for him. The same should be true the other way.
She said he regularly spends whole days away socially. That sounds like a break. More than she may have even. Equal leisure time and all that.

Original poster

BrainWillingBodyNotSoMuch · 24/01/2016 14:03

Thanks for the replies.
My older dc is in school, so as much as we'd love to drop everything and go we can't. He's going as cheaply as possible and sharing a room with other men (not my thing!!).

I think when the kids are older he can take them skiing and I'll go to the sunshine with my friends. Sounds fab.
I don't particularly want to spend a week away from my family, I enjoy spending time with them. The odd day away where I'm not in hospital would be nice, I might arrange a spa day with my friends.
I just feel a bit helpless. I always did the house and the kids and now I'm failing at my 'job'. I'm hoping I can have some different meds soon and I start to feel better.

OP posts:

aprilanne · 24/01/2016 14:10

brain you are not failing at your job don,t ever think that you are ill there is a difference .my hubby lost his job through his illness and he felt terrible felt he was letting us down .no way did he ever let us down he is ill thats the difference .

MrsJayy · 24/01/2016 14:19

You are not failing at anything I get your frustation and your upset i really do but you are not failing at your job

Katenka · 24/01/2016 14:25

If she does all housework and all childcare with a disability then she would need to a break just as much but maybe wouldn't choose to leave for a week as it would make things harder for him.

The OP said that she doesn't want to be away from the kids.

She does need a break imo. But is choosing not to. I don't think that obliges him to be the same.

OP your arent failing at anything.

WoodHeaven · 24/01/2016 14:30

Is there a reason why you don't want to go away on your own?

Honestly? For me, going away on my own is a VERY big indulgence. Going away means it's taking some energy out of me, energy I'm not spending on my dcs and DH (or the HW) when I'm already not doing a lot in the house because I can't. It really extravagent to do that tbh when it also means leaving DH with the dcs when he is already taking more than half of the child related stuff on his shoulders. It doesn't sound or feel fair to him tbh.
And yes it also feels like I'm somehow failing too because, really, I'm supposed to be able to do half of the HW, look after my dcs on my own etc....
And my dcs are both young teenagers so much more independent than the Op's dcs...

In some ways, I agree with ohtheholidays. If it was a woman doing all the getting up at night, all the HW and still working full time, most people would see that as slightly unfair but quite normal.
But as the roles are reversed, then it's a cause for potential divorce as the OP is asking so so much from him. In a situation where she has no other choice than her DH doing all that because she physically can't (whereas in the 'normal' situation of a woman doing all that, her DH CAN do it. He just doesn't or chooses not to, whatever way you want to look at it)

MiddleClassProblem · 24/01/2016 14:31

You're not failing, you're just having a shit time right now. I think a spa day would be great. There are many treatments that aid certain disabilities and ailments and can provide pain relief too. Hopefully something like that applies to you and you can spoil yourself. Some spa memberships are £400 a year which must be similar to his holiday (less I would think with ski hire/passes/food etc) and you can go once a month for a few hours time out. Might be worth looking into x

WoodHeaven · 24/01/2016 14:37

Katenka yes I'm sure the OP needs a break too.
But then she feels ashamed and failing because she can't do as much as she likes. So do you really think it's a choice as such? Like you would chose to skip deseert at the end of the meal?
There is a lot of feeling of guilt and shame associated with chronic health problems and disabilities.
And it's not helped by people saying that she ought to let him go because it's so hard for him and otherwise he will just leave her with the dcs for an easier life.... Because yes it just reinforced the fact she isn't doing well enough and is asking too much of him.... So can she dare saying she wants to go away?

The other side is that actually a lot of epople with disabilities like this are fighters than will do their utmost not to be a burden to anyone, incl their partner. Look at her first post. It took a lot out of her to recognise and tell her DH she needed help and doesn't feel she can cope on her own.
People like this aren't the ones who are going to go away willy nilly on a holiday just because her DH did so she deserves it.....

jacks11 · 24/01/2016 14:39

I'm glad you've worked it out between you OP. Well done.

I don't think it is unreasonable that he wants a break. OP says he DH works full time, cares for her (with assistance from the care package), does his bit with housework and kids and gets up multiple times during the night with their youngest. I don't think her DH is a self-centred man. I am absolutely certain he needs a break, or he may well not be able to cope anymore. Then where will the whole family be? However, there does need to be a plan in place to assist OP to manage when he is away.

OP, it sounds like you also need to get a break- if you don't want to do longer spells away, maybe you could look at days out or long-weekend or something?

Original poster

BrainWillingBodyNotSoMuch · 24/01/2016 14:46

Dh works full time, does the night wakings and we share cooking at the weekend.

I do childcare in the week, cleaning food shopping and sorting the paperwork.
But recently I've reach 4pm and really flag with exhaustion. It doesn't help dc2 is into everything and determined to injure himself in new and interesting ways every day.

Dh feels bad for needing a break and I feel bad for not being able to cope. I might take a bunch of steroids and that might bounce me through the week. The dc WILL sleep and behave and dc2 will discover that he'd much prefer to be independent rather than being picked up. Oh and its freezer surprise all week.

OP posts:

MrsJayy · 24/01/2016 15:28

Is your toddler at nursery I know it won't help for the week away but I think in some areas you can be allocated a nursery place for certain circumstances you could have a bit of respite from the bouncing toddler for a few hours. Having a life limiting condition just zaps emotional as well as physical energy

Leelu6 · 24/01/2016 16:06

MrsJayy, every marriage is different and every couple is different. Just because your dh wouldn't go away for a week doesn't mean that the OP's dh shouldn't. Calling the dh 'a selfish and self centered man' intent on 'swanning off on jollies' is hardly helpful. The dh does not sound to me the way you have portrayed him.

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