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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to ask DH

100 replies

BrainWillingBodyNotSoMuch · 24/01/2016 09:27

That this be his last solo skiing trip.

Before children we went together but my disability has gotten a lot worse and I can no longer walk far let alone ski and currently just finding day to day living really difficult. By the time DH comes home from work I've had it.

He's going for a weeks skiing next week and I'm dreading it. DC 2 is 20 months, doesn't sleep and doesn't always eat. The amount of pain I'm in is huge as I'm not taking any effective meds to treat my illness after the last lot nearly killing me before Christmas.

On Fri I asked if this could be his last trip away until the dc are older and he said no.

As a previously capable and intelligent woman to admit that I'm not coping and to ask for help is a big thing. So his response has really upset me. He is usually brilliant with looking after me and the DC but I find his attitude to this really selfish. I'm not saying never go again, just for the next couple of years while the DC are small and totally exhausting. He goes away with work quite often (I know not the same) and he goes cycling and running so it's not as if I demand he's with us 24hrs a day.

Please be as gentle as you can in aibu.

OP posts:
HPsauciness · 24/01/2016 11:30

I still think you'd be hard pushed to find a mum with caring responsibilities and a full-time job (what's this 'main wage earner' pressure, someone has to earn money to pay the rent, I'm that person in our house, I don't think this is so stressful) going off for a weeks holiday in the sun or skiing without her tiny toddlers and leaving behind her disabled husband who can't manage alone. Or her family facilitating that.

Having said that, I did once have a break away when the children were little as I was on the edge of a nervous breakdown, so perhaps it is not dissimilar, everyone rallied round as I needed the time out, I'm not sure they would have done that had I announced my skiing holiday plans!

LordBrightside · 24/01/2016 11:33

"Many parents have breaks of a couple of days or more. Are you saying they aren't being responsible for their children."

Not at all, good for them. But people shouldn't even consider doing that when the other partner is struggling as detailed in this thread.

Fugghetaboutit · 24/01/2016 11:38

Why can't you go too op? Get a babysitter out there and rest

ScarlettDarling · 24/01/2016 11:45

op how refreshing to read about a civilised and respectful relationship where you talk about and resolve issues.

Things are obviously tough at the min but it sounds like you've got a really strong relationship with a good man. You'll get through this Flowers

MrsJayy · 24/01/2016 11:52

Yeah I am a bit confused why you are not going too dont ski resorts have creches ? Your husband also cycles he seems to have a lot of free time away from his small children op please dont fall into a guilt trap because you are ill

moreshitandnofuckingredemption · 24/01/2016 11:55

How old is your older child OP?

Katenka · 24/01/2016 11:56

But people shouldn't even consider doing that when the other partner is struggling as detailed in this thread.

do you know how much pressure carers are under? How much support they need too?

peggyundercrackers · 24/01/2016 11:57

I don't think it's unreasonable for him to go away, it's only a week. Lots of parents go away without their kids - it doesn't mean they are bad parents or are heir kids. Life carries on - your life doesn't revolve have to revolve around your kids 100% of the time - it isn't selfish to go away with your friends.

MrsJayy · 24/01/2016 12:03

It isnt selfish to go away with friends at all what is selfish is to leave an ill or disabled parent on their own at night with a toddler for a week the parent has no weekend care package the ops dad is helping out but as long as he has a fun week away he deserves a break.

VoldysGoneMouldy · 24/01/2016 12:10

It's not selfish for him to need some time off. I completely understand him needing that - my husband is my carer and I know sometimes it is completely overwhelming for him.

That said, regardless of your medical conditions, if you have a child with severe reflux and is waking so many times a night, it isn't fair to leave you to do all of that. Add in what you've said about not being able to get up in the night, and it seems completely illogical to leave you in a position where you can't physically cope. Even with help from the council and your dad giving extra support, will you honestly be able to look after your children? Because it sounds very much like you're being forced into a place where you won't, and that isn't fair, on you or them.

harshbuttrue1980 · 24/01/2016 12:12

He is the sole breadwinner, as well as doing all the night wakings - he needs a break or how own health will suffer. However, I agree that the money needs to be found for you to have some help while he's gone. Maybe he could go for 5 nights instead of 7?

HanYOLO · 24/01/2016 12:12

I think it's entirely reasonable for him to want to go away

BUT

I know you say you don't want to go away, but perhaps making sure you take WHOLE DAYS out/off/away. Maybe the odd one nighter. Just for the sleep! You might find you like it if you let yourself. Although it sounds like family time is scarce.

AND

your dad helping out isn't really sufficient support. Get some professionals in. Overnight nursery nurse for a couple of nights If you can afford the skiing you can afford the help.

AND a long weekend would be entirely more reasonable than a whole week.

MrsJayy · 24/01/2016 12:22

I am a disabled parent my dh is sole breadwinnerpoor him dh managed to have a hobby and come home at night when Dds were young there is things as parents that you do/give up when a parent needs you there is threads on here where posters go apeshit that a dad goes on a weekend stag do

Fugghetaboutit · 24/01/2016 12:32

He should make childcare arrangements beforehand, not just go. He could hire a night nanny, I know a good one if you're in London. He should say I'm going skiing still but I've made sure you've got extra help while I'm gone.

LordBrightside · 24/01/2016 12:35

"do you know how much pressure carers are under? How much support they need too?"

Yes, but a week in these circumstances is a bit much.

diddl · 24/01/2016 12:38

If he needs a break there's such a thing as compromise, isn't there?

Less time away, a less expensive break.

How much does he really do for you & the kids, OP?

At lot more than most working dads?

itsbetterthanabox · 24/01/2016 12:39

How much does he do around the house?
How much childcare does he do?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 24/01/2016 12:40

If he wants to go, let him. But tell him that he's taking the children. He can arrange ski school/go somewhere with childcare/hire a ski nanny. But he can't swan off and leave you with the children, struggling. That way, he can still ski and gets some time away, but you also get a break.

Otherwise, he should absolutely either be looking at holidays that you can all go on, or arranging help for you when he goes.

Just saying "No" seems a bit cold and I think I'd expect some empathy and at least a few suggested compromises from my husband if I'd asked him that (although I don't have a husband).

Sallystyle · 24/01/2016 12:47

Being the sole breadwinner and carer is fucking hard work. He also does all the night feeds for a child who can be up 8 times a night. I am not seeing a self-centred man at all.

I am the sole breadwinner and carer to two people. I don't go away for a week because it just isn't my thing, but if I need a break I will take one without any guilt because my health is just as important.

OP I'm so glad you have come to an agreement. Next time I would suggest to him that you both need to arrange more care and support for you when he goes away.

Thymeout · 24/01/2016 12:48

Itsbetter - well, he gets up 8 times a night with the toddler, on top of a full-time job. Is that enough?

LordBrightside · 24/01/2016 12:49

"How much does he do around the house?
How much childcare does he do?"

Would it be ok to qualify a woman's contribution in this way?

Sallystyle · 24/01/2016 12:52

How much does he do around the house? Really? Hmm

Being a carer, getting up at night up to 8 times then going off to work full time. Im not seeing a man who isn't pulling his weight. OP said he is brilliant at looking after her and their children, so I assume he also does housework etc.

Not that it actually matters. Are carers only deserving of a holiday if they do a certain amount around the house or something?

GruntledOne · 24/01/2016 12:52

Mrs Jayyy, in your anxiety to beat up OP's DH and accuse him of selfishness, did you miss the bit where he gets up up to 8 times a night in addition to holding down a job?

StayWithMe · 24/01/2016 12:56

Is it possible to get a short term nanny or some sort of child carer, that can stay at nights? If he thinks it's ok to spend money on a ski trip then there should also be money put aside to provide paid help for you. It's possibly too late to get the money for this now, but might be worth thinking about for the future. Maybe he's worried that this will be his last trip as you're so affected by your disability now, OP. I hope you get the help you need. Flowers

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 24/01/2016 12:57

Why doesn't he take one or both of the DC, hire childcare over there and hey presto you've both had a break?

He says I can go off and spend time on my own but I don't want to. I'd worry about the children and money doesn't grow on trees.
There's enough money for a ski trip and cycling gear. Nobody likes a martyr. Pull on your big girl pants and have your own trip. Maybe you'll feel happier and more able to cope when you return, same as he does.

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