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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to ask DH

100 replies

BrainWillingBodyNotSoMuch · 24/01/2016 09:27

That this be his last solo skiing trip.

Before children we went together but my disability has gotten a lot worse and I can no longer walk far let alone ski and currently just finding day to day living really difficult. By the time DH comes home from work I've had it.

He's going for a weeks skiing next week and I'm dreading it. DC 2 is 20 months, doesn't sleep and doesn't always eat. The amount of pain I'm in is huge as I'm not taking any effective meds to treat my illness after the last lot nearly killing me before Christmas.

On Fri I asked if this could be his last trip away until the dc are older and he said no.

As a previously capable and intelligent woman to admit that I'm not coping and to ask for help is a big thing. So his response has really upset me. He is usually brilliant with looking after me and the DC but I find his attitude to this really selfish. I'm not saying never go again, just for the next couple of years while the DC are small and totally exhausting. He goes away with work quite often (I know not the same) and he goes cycling and running so it's not as if I demand he's with us 24hrs a day.

Please be as gentle as you can in aibu.

OP posts:
HPsauciness · 24/01/2016 10:58

I cannot imagine, that if this were gender reversed, anyone would be telling a woman who wrote that she wanted her week's holiday in the sun, but her disabled husband was upset as he was going to be left on his own with two tiny children and he physically couldn't cope to just go!

Yes, it's a pain, yes, carers need breaks, but tough!

That said my husband did once go on a skiing holiday without me when the children were very little, a kind of last chance thing. It took about two years for the festering resentment to die down. I just wouldn't have done it, just wouldn't.

I bet he already goes cycling and running on weekends leaving you to look after the children, doesn't he?

Penfold007 · 24/01/2016 10:59

You are still a capable and intelligent woman but you are also a mother of two children and coping with a serious disability.

You both need to sit down and talk, he seems to getting plenty of leisure time whilst you get none and that needs to change. Maybe a weekend away on your own would let him see how much you do.

GabiSolis · 24/01/2016 10:59

I'm torn on this. While I don't think it's a huge deal for him to put off a holiday for a couple of years, I also know how vitally important it is for those with caring responsibilities to have a break from that. The fact that it's a skiing trip is a red herring. DH sounds like he needs a break and that's totally understandable. It's how you both facilitate that that is crucial. You need to have adequate help and he must appreciate he can't go until/unless that he'll is in place.

GabiSolis · 24/01/2016 11:00

he'll = help

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 24/01/2016 11:01

Men get such a raw deal on here. He's the sole earner, a carer for a disabled wife and has children and his housework percentage is being questioned. I don't think one break once a year is too much to ask.

If a women posted she worked long hours, cared for a disabled husband and wanted a break she would be encouraged without second thought.

You were both a little reckless to plan another child if things are that bad.

MiddleClassProblem · 24/01/2016 11:04

Wtf am I missing!?! Two week holiday and now planning another child? I see none of this from op posts

maddening · 24/01/2016 11:04

Tell him he has to factor help for you into the cost of going away - if the cost is too high then he can't afford it.

ExConstance · 24/01/2016 11:05

You might find the Local Authority could put in some extra care for you if he is away - sort of respite at home. (I hate that word) . If you have care workers that you get on well with perhaps the agency could send someone you know and get on with to do some domestic stuff for you?

I think he needs to go, but not unless the support for you while he is away is in place.

HumphreyCobblers · 24/01/2016 11:05

I do not have a disability but my DH would not even consider going away without me on a jolly and leaving me to cope with the family alone. Later I expect that will change but not at the moment.

No one NEEDS a skiing trip ffs. It sounds as if the OP's DH gets plenty of exercise time away from the house already.

I can't believe some of the responses on here.

BYOSnowman · 24/01/2016 11:11

Why are the council going to pay for more care for op so her dh can go and have a skiing holiday? How about he faces up to his responsibilities and either pays for op to have help or, if they can't afford that, not go on an expensive holiday if he needs a break so they can afford help.

It sounds like the nights are the problem for op as she doesn't get help then. Is it really too much to ask for the dh to consider the impact on his family of his holiday? Getting in paid help isn't the same as having your co parent there supporting you

My dh travels a lot for work and would never assume he could just go away on his own for a week without discussing it with me first and us agreeing.

Original poster
BrainWillingBodyNotSoMuch · 24/01/2016 11:12

He's going for a week.
We have talked about it and cleared the air.

My dad is going to provide extra support.
I am still worried about the night's as I'm either so exhausted or take huge amounts of painkillers so I don't hear DC2 if he's crying. We're going to bring out the baby monitor again so it wakes me up. DH does the majority of night wakings as he can get out of bed faster than me. Dc2 can be up 8 times a night if his reflux is bad so DH needs a break.

The trip is important to him, looking after us all is stressful and he has the responsibility of being the only wage earner. It will do him the world of good to go away and have some sleep!
He has apologised for his previous refusal to not go for a couple of years. He thought I was saying never again. He's my world and he said that I'm his soulmate. I just think sometimes life gets stressful and communication goes down the pan. Combine it with lack of sleep and things that should be easily sorted get out of hand. Throw in the unbelievable amount of pain I'm in and its a difficult situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
BrainWillingBodyNotSoMuch · 24/01/2016 11:12

I am thankful for your replies.

OP posts:
whois · 24/01/2016 11:13

I would go still away skiing.

But I would do long weekends until the kids were old enough to come with me, and I would arrange support whilst ie as away and reciprocal time off.

BYOSnowman · 24/01/2016 11:14

I'm glad you've cleared the air with him.

Iggi999 · 24/01/2016 11:17

Op you do need some respite yourself from looking after dc and being in pain - you can't cope forever like this without some help. Sounds like your dh does a lot when he's there but mostly he isn't, and then it's just you.

Katenka · 24/01/2016 11:18

I am on the fence. My brother is carer. He works full time as well. Or as much as possible as he has to take lots unpaid to look after his wife.

He does all the night wakings etc. Carers need breaks.

But I do feel a week is too long with the kids so young.

A compromise is needed somewhere.

MrsJayy · 24/01/2016 11:18

Your husband is a selfish self centred man I cant believe he thinks heand other posters deserves this being a disabled parent means you need support he knows this but is still swanning off on his jollies you need him at night the most but this is where you are going to have the least support how can he think thats ok.

Katenka · 24/01/2016 11:20

He says I can go off and spend time on my own but I don't want to.

I don't think this is a good enough reason for him to not do stuff.

Like I said I think a week is too long.

However, he is also giving you the opportunity to get away and have a break. Wether you take him up on it, is your decision. But should be a factor in his decision.

SevenOfNineTrue · 24/01/2016 11:23

I was a full time carer and you do need a break. I don't think going away leaving you on your own for a week is the way about that issue though. Why could he not arrange a holiday for all of you where he gets babysitters for your DC etc so you have a break as well.

Maybe he is having a harder time accepting your disability than he has admitted?

LordBrightside · 24/01/2016 11:24

"He says I can go off and spend time on my own but I don't want to. I'd worry about the children and money doesn't grow on trees."

Personally if I was your husband I would put you first and what you are asking isn't unreasonable. With a toddler I don't feel It's fair of me to go and play golf as its really a whole day thing and I have a wife, toddler and a dog. I don't think it's fair for me to disappear for the whole day never mind a whole week. It's called having responsibilities to others.

However, your comments above are a concern. He might find it a bit much if you aren't able to have time to yourself. He probably feels like he's got to be there for you all the time so I can see from his perspective that would be difficult.

Grown ups should be able to spend time on their own. It's very healthy.

HPsauciness · 24/01/2016 11:25

It's great that you talked, glad you have resolved it. It sounds like he heard something you weren't meaning and perhaps vice versa.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 24/01/2016 11:25

I'm a carer and I work and all that. If someone said to me I couldn't get a weeks break a year like the first poster I would leave the relationship.

You both should factor in the cost of what ever help you need whilst he's away into his holiday costs, if that means it's unaffordable then tough for him he will have to find a cheaper way of getting a break but if it is affordable then it's fair enough.

MiddleClassProblem · 24/01/2016 11:27

Your husband is a selfish self centred man Hmm

Katenka · 24/01/2016 11:28

It's called having responsibilities to others.

Many parents have breaks of a couple of days or more. Are you saying they aren't being responsible for their children.

If you choose not to that's fine. It doesn't make you a better person or parent.

DrDreReturns · 24/01/2016 11:29

Yeah I thought that was a harsh comment too MiddleClassProblem