Sister police caution, aibu... Sn

[SexDrugsAndSpringRolls]

Sisters has autism,LDs, hearing loss and other difficulties. She was however volunteering in nurseries at lunch and it was going well...I've been moaning for a while that she's stopped as she's become quite directionless again. She loves kids, never an issue how she reacts to them and they like her. Plays with them, however I see how workmates find her wearing.

Found out finally what happened.

Picked up days at at a new nursery , immediate clashes with certain staff being irritated with her. She's like a big kid. Soon after items started been stolen, sis was accused a few times. After a big row the manager set up a sting, phone on tablet and web cam.

Sis stupidly came in the office angry and picked it up. Before she even left police were called.

It was quickly established from times it was impossible any other thefts were her. For most she was volunteering elsewhere.

She says she thought she may as well steal as they thought she was a thief, but swears she only planned to hide it. She hid it in the toilets where she showed police. They took her to the station, she was there until late and duty solicitor told her to accept caution. She called no one and walked six miles home.

Aibu to be livid?

1. Nursery know the level she functions at, supported accommodation and iq under 70 as well as big communication issues. Can't for example be trusted to turn taps or has off and struggles with roads. Like a stubborn 8 year old in the situation they created for her
2. At police, she's vulnerable. They didn't call me or her sw or check how she got home

3 she's never stolen before, the situation was created in which her poor logic was used

Upshot is with theft from work in an enhanced crb she now is wanted nowhere.

Yes they knew about her needs. In a weird way she's useful. Just does as she's told and happy to do repetitive tasks slowly. She's patient with any child and funnily those with behaviour needs react less to her as she doesn't show frustration

To give you an idea, I sometimes take her shopping. No one else would be happy to follow me with the baby for hours whilst quietly following without fuss. She loves being useful, mainly in silence.

She gets stubborn when wronged, but is so poor picking up social cues you really have to try to harm her. If you think about it hiding something is very babyish

If you're wondering why she annoys people btw her thing is she intently stares a people at lot if undirected. Winds people up.

Your sister sounds delightful OP. My girl is a kind, gentle soul too and I doubt she could have even made it home under those circumstances. She would have went mute and kept her head down if she had been quizzed. Was your poor sister not terrified? I know my girl would have been. It actually makes me sick to the pit of my stomach thinking of what she must have went through. Please get a solicitor and make a serious complaint. Don't be fobbed off with an apology as I'm sure this isn't the first person with SN that has been treated inappropriately by police, etc. Good luck.

what she must have went through

This is appalling. Your poor sister.
to you both.

I think she sounds a delight too. She sounds innocent and very helpful. That makes her vunerable but not annoying to the extremes some posters here are making out. I'm also wondering where someone got the aggressive bit from.

Your sister sounds lovely & like she'd be great at working with small children. Maybe you could see if there's a Rainbow Unit near you/her who could have her as a Unit Helper. If she can be the one to "make up numbers" in games with girls; do the drinks & biscuits if it's a Unit that does (contentious issue is contentious...); help Rainbows with crafts... From what you describe I think she'd probably struggle as a Unit Helper with the older sections because of the increased complexity & faster pace of meetings - am thinking she might be overwhelmed by it & it might be harder to find things for her to do each week (though it's of course difficult to tell not knowing her). Girlguiding volunteers do need to undergo a DBS check - if this is something you think your sister would be interested in & that would suit her you could contact Guide HQ to discuss the situation with them as it stands to see if she could start while you're working to get the caution overturned.

The whole situation just sounds so SO awful. I'm just glad that you've found out what happened so you can get to work on getting the caution overturned - & getting the people involved in the whole awful business into a heap of trouble for failing so utterly in their duty of care.

Thank you to those cheering me up. She's not a saint and can be annoying, like anyone, but it's just unfair for want of a better word.

Her sw is alright, I'm going to email her first to both see if she's aware and discuss.

I think volunteering wise the best so far has been with other young adults with greater sn and has also worked. There are groups where she's enjoyed helping plus a good church she needs prompting to make an effort to go to again.

I'm calmer now, it's feeling fixable. Thank you

Now the twatty grammar pedants have arrived. Slow clap for MrsUltra.

Take action against the police! Clearly they failed to follow protocol given she does not have the mental capacity of an adult. I would really hope you can get the caution overturned, or at least have the opportunity to explain the situation to a judge.

I would also reconsider posting in the legal section as you will get some good advice and it doesn't tend to attract half the muppets that dwell in AIBU!

MrsUltra do fuck off dear.

My DD (who is NT) came with me as a volunteer to a local project working with a range of adults with ASN, from the age of 2 to 3.5. I had no experience of people with ASN beforehand, and volunteered to the project because of other skills I wanted to learn (also I was unemployed, skint, bored, lonely and depressed...!).

I had no childcare options for DD, hence she tagged along with me.

Some people she loved, others she liked, some she tolerated, some she actively didn't like, just as was the case for any other individual - and obviously some of the adults attending thought she was great, others weren't keen. Just like any other group of adults. I know this sounds lame/dippy/PC, but she learned that people are individuals and people are valuable individuals regardless of appearance, intelligence, and - ahem - quirks.

The kids at the nursery your dsis were bloody lucky to have the opportunity to hang out with your Dsis, and the management and staff should be ashamed of themselves.

So should whatever bright spark decided she was capable of getting herself home and of accepting a police caution.

And who arranged the placement? Did they not have contact details at the nursery, so manager could get in touch with any issues or concerns??

Thank you saz. It wasn't a placement, she volunteered in the same way as anyone else. First at a church sunday school, then at at preschool linked to the church. Word of mouth meant it was suggested she volunteer at the new place. Probably they jumped hearing she worked quite hard for free without thinking it through. Lots of younger staff there and there was a nasty attitude from most, low level mickey taking such as face pulling or comments.

cowface (politest bit of your username?) I will, but I want to gather info properly first. It been a while so I can have a week or so, I want to contact sw, police, nursery formally to fact find and talk to others involved where possible. I will also have to respect dsis wishes, though I will look into actual caution and it's legality.

I really appreciate kind comments and I will certainly return to links helpfully posted.

Just to say though I won't return to this thread to comment, so noone wastes time replying to me, as some of it just pisses me off and I'm sure there will be more of it. Didn't see it coming naively and I've overshared enough! x

Mrs Ultra

If you can't cope with grammatical errors then I dare say grasping the difficulties that someone with SN goes through is probably low in your list of priorities. I, with no respect intended, suggest you fuck off.

If your dsis has a care manager or sw, then contact them.

Of course she should be able to volunteer just as anyone else could - she has the experience, abilities, etc. But going forward, until she feels better about what has happened, then could sw or care manager find opportunities for "supported volunteer" roles? Would she be able to access any kind of opportunity /project which would enable her to volunteer with a mentor to help her out? Shout LOUDLY to try to get her a supported role.
Any option to contact a volunteering agency, to try and match her up with someone who wants to volunteer as a mentor / advocate? It shouldn't be necessary, but down here in the crappy real world, it might be.

There should be toddler groups, playgroups and nurseries desperate to have her attend, even if she has limited capacity, and regardless of any nonsense with this ludicrous caution.

I want to contact sw, police, nursery formally to fact find and talk to others involved where possible

It's understandable that your natural instinct is to attempt to discover as much as possible as to what took place, but as your dsis is the wronged party you're best advised to accompany her to a solicitor who specialises in criminal law and let them make any necessary enquiries as you could inadvertently make a bad situation worse.

I know you've said you aren't coming back and I don't have any advice but I just wanted to say your sister sounds lovely OP

Best of luck op. Really hope you get this sorted for your sister.

Isn't it ironic that people think it's those on the spectrum who lack empathy?

I actually think NT's are the ones lacking in empathy as shown by this thread.

An employer has the same duty of care and responsibility to a volunteer as an employee in law. So for training, H&S, privacy or whatever so they should be treated the same.

It sounds like there were a range of issues here

1. Bullying and harassment of vulnerable staff member albeit a volunteer one
2. The way the thefts were handled in house and the accusing and rows - shouldn't have happened, no evidence etc
3. The sting operation and legality or not of that
4. That it was never raised with the responsible adult prior to beign addressed on site
5. The police handling of the situation from how they handled it on site, to how they addressed it at the police station and the lack of care for the vulnerable person
6. The solicitor that dealt with it didn't do their job properly either as it is an easy ride to accept a caution - gets it sorted and off their hands rather than being best solution to things
7. That such a vulnerable person was released with no obvious means of getting home other than shankses and it was 6 miles

So fundamentally failed all round, I would start with one of the relevant charities that offer advocacy and tell the whole story and let them sort out the best way to pursue this

I wouldn't say a lawyer is advisable at this point esp not a criminal one. This is about Discrimination first and foremost and the relevant charities advocates will have a broader experience specifically around this and be able to address it with all parties.

Be clear what you want out of this: Is it a clean record, compensation, reinstatement etc etc