Division of labour with a SAHP

[BeakyAndBun]

This isn't so much an AIBU as a "what is reasonable?" I can reframe it as "AIBU to want to divide chores?" I guess!

DP works in an office and has a 35 minute commute each way. Hates his job but because it is unfulfilling, rather than because it is demanding. He is lovely and says he doesn't mind if I don't manage to do anything at home as I am looking after DS who is 4mo. I do always try to do chores at any opportunity though, and DS and I rarely actually leave the house as I feel bad going to a mother and baby group or for coffee if DP is at work. He doesn't feel like this and wants me to be happy. I just don't want to feel like I'm taking the piss and having an easy ride whilst he is in an office earning money, and he does joke about it being his money even though he knows it is a sore spot. In the evenings he cooks more often than I do (I do cook if DS isn't feeding) but I am often breastfeeding for most of the evening and at the moment I am up most of the night breastfeeding. I feel exhausted and have had no time to just have a relaxing bath or watch TV alone as my DP gets frustrated quickly if DS cries and therefore he comes to me. My DP does get some leisure time but not loads, whereas I am almost always caring for DS in some capacity or doing chores. Even if we are watching TV I am usually feeding.

I don't want to sound like DS is a chore, but I told DP I would like to have a bit of structure where we both agree chores and a fair way to split them. I breastfeed a lot and obviously he can't do that, which makes it difficult! I feel like I am on duty 24/7 and I self-flagellate so much. I want to agree a reasonable amount of housework, baby care and leisure time for us both so that I can switch off sometimes. What do other people do? Or think is a fair division of time and chores? And if I went to playgroup is that me having a jolly or is that part of caring for my DS? DP is happy for me to do whatever so I don't know why I have so much guilt about not being Mary Poppins!

I'm on maternity leave at the moment and have an almost 8 month old.

I do all the night feeds in the week and DH does Friday and Saturday evenings. Can you express so he's able to do at least one night a week?

I go to a different baby class every day except Friday. I find it helpful to have some structure to the day otherwise I would probably lounge around and not shower or dress! I definitely don't see these as jollys!

During the week I try to clean a bit - I do what I have time for. If the baby is difficult that day then less cleaning is done. I'm there to look after the baby not clean and I prioritise cleaning which I believe falls under childcare (his washing, bottles etc).

We take it in turns to cook in the evening. Whoever doesn't cook looks after the baby so we are both still "working".

At the weekend we both look after the baby and clean.

I don't get much relaxation time to be honest but neither does my husband. We have been trying to have one evening a month where we go out together and leave the baby with grandparents, but in almost 8 months that has happened around twice! I've ended up having some very late nights just to have some downtime (which I don't recommend). The baby won't go to sleep until 9 ish, so I'm often inclined to stay up to midnight to have some time to myself. It's not helping with the sleep deprivation though!

I'm hoping it will get easier soon!

I ebf both my children for 6 months and both of them got some daily bf until 2. I feel your pain!

The way we did it in the early days was i fed the baby in the night and my dh winded and settled them. Dh has almost always (except when he didnt live here for one reason or another) done bath and bedtime. But i was never a sahp. I have always worked but did have matleave from work.

With the excessive feeding my dd was this totally! Omg hours! But what i realised after seeing bf support was she wasnt feeding, she was using me as a dummy! So i would start being more aware of when she was feesing and when she was sleeping, gentle use a little finger to unhook her and put her in the moses basket. I always did this with my second child and my god what a difference! My dd would literally have her entire nap attached to my nipple! Butnit is easy to get them off with a little hook move once you realise.

Adele

"
Eminado I was one of the posters who mentioned you shouldn't need to feed all day and night at 4 months old. I was comparing it to the first 6 weeks or so of 24/7 feeding. Growth spurts and bad days aside, it would be vey unusual for a 4 mo not to have changed its feeding habits at all from birth. The tummy is far bigger and stays fuller longer. If your baby is still constantly suckling I wonder if they're using you as a dummy? Which is fine, but if you've spent 4 months feeding round the clock you're probably pretty bloody sick of it by now. "

But you are using subjective terms?
"all day"
"Round the clock"
Surely not literal wording but overwhelming for the OP still.

And i did not say a newborn feeds the same
As a 4 month old? I said some feed often and that in my case it improved naturally with time.

And i never said "fuck the housework" - I said that having had some rest it was easier to make more successful plans about the housework.

OP, don't listen to those who said that a 4mo old feeding that regularly is "abnormal". Every breastfed baby is different, and besides, it is recommended that you breastfeed on demand anyway so a baby of that age can eat little and often. And also, each baby takes a different length of time to drain the breast - some are quick feeders, others are slower feeders.

You need to stop being a martyr. You are on maternity leave, not housework leave. You have a full time job also, just as your DP has. Your job is to care for your baby. In fact, your DP has the easier job here - he sits in an office all day. He can take tea breaks, go to the loo in peace, have a proper lunch break, etc. When my baby was that age, there were some days I had barely any time to eat properly! I would be counting down the hours til DH got home so I could get a bit of help.

Also, it is not fair for you to do all the night wakings during the week just because your DP is at work. Yes, you are breastfeeding but if nappy needs changing, get your DP to do it. Get DP to bring baby to you for night feeds, etc.

And stop feeling guilty about going out for a few hours during the day. Again, you are on maternity leave so your job right now is to focus your time on baby.