Division of labour with a SAHP

[BeakyAndBun]

This isn't so much an AIBU as a "what is reasonable?" I can reframe it as "AIBU to want to divide chores?" I guess!

DP works in an office and has a 35 minute commute each way. Hates his job but because it is unfulfilling, rather than because it is demanding. He is lovely and says he doesn't mind if I don't manage to do anything at home as I am looking after DS who is 4mo. I do always try to do chores at any opportunity though, and DS and I rarely actually leave the house as I feel bad going to a mother and baby group or for coffee if DP is at work. He doesn't feel like this and wants me to be happy. I just don't want to feel like I'm taking the piss and having an easy ride whilst he is in an office earning money, and he does joke about it being his money even though he knows it is a sore spot. In the evenings he cooks more often than I do (I do cook if DS isn't feeding) but I am often breastfeeding for most of the evening and at the moment I am up most of the night breastfeeding. I feel exhausted and have had no time to just have a relaxing bath or watch TV alone as my DP gets frustrated quickly if DS cries and therefore he comes to me. My DP does get some leisure time but not loads, whereas I am almost always caring for DS in some capacity or doing chores. Even if we are watching TV I am usually feeding.

I don't want to sound like DS is a chore, but I told DP I would like to have a bit of structure where we both agree chores and a fair way to split them. I breastfeed a lot and obviously he can't do that, which makes it difficult! I feel like I am on duty 24/7 and I self-flagellate so much. I want to agree a reasonable amount of housework, baby care and leisure time for us both so that I can switch off sometimes. What do other people do? Or think is a fair division of time and chores? And if I went to playgroup is that me having a jolly or is that part of caring for my DS? DP is happy for me to do whatever so I don't know why I have so much guilt about not being Mary Poppins!

Both my 4 month olds Fed like that...normal covers a wide range

Just have to jump in with the breast feeding comments and say that every baby is different there is no fricking manual with regards to what they must do re feeding, he's probably just having a growth spurt so trying to increase supply, do not panic!

Oh and you there is no must about it re getting out ffs! If it helps you feel happier then go, if it doesn't then don't! I hated baby groups as I could never fit them around naps and it was always stressful getting to them on time but we have a great laugh at them now - DS is now 16 months! - but we have dogs so we had a walk every day. Different horses different courses.

You have a 4 month old baby.

How are you a SAHM?

Surely you are on maternity leave?

The clue is in the name - it is leave for looking after your baby, not for time travelling to the 1950s.

You are doing brilliantly op,its a learning curve but you will get there.

Random you in my last post, sorry!

What Bathtime said.

I am a SAHM and now my two are older I do most of the housework during the day etc but I had whinge babies who didn't like to sleep or be put down so when they were four months old I did very little housework at all. Dh did some when he got home from work or held the baby whilst I did and we let standards slip a bit.
Also, my dh would have much rather do housework himself during the evening if it allowed me to go out/catch up on sleep during the week. He appreciated that spending 24/7 trying to get jobs done with an arsey baby would have been miserable. That seemed pretty standard amongst my friends so I'm surprised by a lot of the comments on this thread.

At only 4 months in I felt like we were still very much in the "intense" stage of having a baby and as such my DH did basically all of the household chores bar me keeping the kitchen tidy on a basic level throughout the day and making a few easy meals. I think he was in awe of the commitment of breastfeeding the massive personal sacrifice I was making to ensure our child was EBF and he stepped up to the plate according.

My son is a toddler now and we operate on the basis of having equal free time - that might mean household chores are not necessarily divided equally but his long work hours are also factored in - neither of us put our feet up for the evening of there's a chore to be done.

Some babies do take a long time feeding, and on top of that, it's not always predictable whether it'll be a 30 minute feed or or a 90 minute one, so it's very hard to plan.
This phase won't last for long, but while it does, just remember you are still growing a baby. That is work, and it can be exhausting.
It's a good idea to go out with the baby if you can, or if it's still too much of a challenge, invite people over just for a a change of scene.
The baby is of an age when it's going to start wanting some stimulation, but this could just be getting out for a walk and seeing the leaves blow about.

It's a bit worrying that you seem to think you don't deserve to enjoy maternity leave. Your DH has told you that he wants you to be happy, and I'm sure he's not denying himself things like a coffee or lunch break.

With breastfed babies and cluster feeding, there's not so much that anyone else can do except for brief things like nappy changing and making you tea and dinner. It is draining feeding all evening, and and yes, you are always on duty, 24/7. I remember by DH getting quite upset because he couldn't soothe the baby once it started crying - the baby wanted to suckle and that meant it had to be me. However,it's worth bearing in mind that a breastfed baby of that age can take a bottle of water, which DH could give . DH could also take the baby out for for a walk while you have a bath etc. If he wanted to be supportive, I'm sure he could manage to give you an hour's free time, fairly regularly. It might be better if he does take the baby out, so if it cries during that time, you won't hear it. Let him deal with it - in shortish bursts for now.

It doesn't last for long - in two months time everything will have changed. You seem to be saying that actually DH isn't being fair, despite being a generally nice guy. He doesn't mind you not doing it, but is he picking up the slack himself?

.

With DD I couldn't get anything done. She fed for hours on end and wailed anytime I put her down. I used a sling but there was a limit to what can be done with a young baby in a sling. DS was a fast and eficient breast feeder, happy in his pram, bed, etc. life was much easier. There is huge variation in bf habits between babies and the same baby at different times.

I think you need to go with the flow and not stress so much. Do what you can and compromise with the rest.

I also echo the advice to get out of the house at any opportunity - good for the baby and good for you.

When I was BF my newborns (SAHM) it was just about survival really. Do what you can when you can and let all unnecessary stuff wait. We're well past newborns now (youngest is 2) but we found it has worked to have our "jobs". He does cooking, garden, weekend activity run, etc. I do laundry, homework, dishwasher etc. I do as much as I can during the day but sometimes it doesn't work out and he has to pitch in. It's really about trusting each other not to take the p*.

And you shouldn't feel bad about going out. Kids need fresh air, exercise and socialising so it is an important aspect of looking after them!

My baby is the same age as yours, OP, and is breastfed (every 2 hours during the day, more or less frequently at night depending on the night - I recognise you from the Sleep board ). My DP has a commute of just over an hour. Baby is not a great sleeper at night (I do all night wakings) but is happy to go in a bouncer, etc, when awake.

As far as I'm concerned, I'm on maternity leave, not housework leave, so DS is my priority during the day, followed by making sure I'm showered, fed and watered. When he's awake and not feeding, we play, go out, or I do housework while he goes in his bouncer, etc. If I'm really tired, I nap when he does.

We go out most days, either to groups, with friends, or just for a walk/to the shops. Fresh air every day really helps me, as does hanging out with other mums in the same position, but everyone is different. I see going out as beneficial to both of us.

In the day, I do laundry and most food shopping (some online), and try to at least prep dinner. On a really good day, I might manage to cook something for the freezer or hoover/do a bit of cleaning, but that's not every day by any means.

In the evenings, DP spends time with DS while I cook or have a break for half an hour. We take turns doing dinner depending on whether DS needs me. He gives me a hand with bath time, then clears up and has the later part of the evening to himself while I do bedtime (but will help on request; it can be a long process and is generally less fraught if I do it by myself).

At weekends, DP usually takes DS one morning so I get a bit more sleep. I usually get an hour or so to myself when he takes DS for a walk.

DP gets more free time than me, but I feel like that's inevitable at this stage. The important thing for me is that he facilitates a bit of time for me at weekends and is hands on in the evenings.

I find it massively helpful to get someone else to take DS out for a walk, as he naps really well in his pushchair and if timed right, I get a break of 1-2 hours, which saves my sanity, even if it's only once a week. Is this something that might work for you?

When I just had DD1 we were out and about every day - breastfeeding support group, baby signing, baby sensory... it was wonderful. Do not feel guilty. DH is hardly nose to the grindstone the entire time he's at work - there will be the odd bit of banter, lunchtime, reading on the bus. You need to get out and about for your sanity!

I am perhaps slovenly but we had a 3bed starter house and I would do around half an hour - 45 mins a day house work (Inc laundry) plus cooking. Slow cooker was very popular with me! DH put the bins outand hhoovered through at the weekend. Get groceries delivered.

Try and have the odd night out with friends or to the cinema - there should be no reason why you can't feed, hand baby to DH and run - even if you only last an hour! Neither of mine have ever taken a bottle but i do know the hell of a slow feeder poor sleeper... You really need to ditch the guilt and look after yourself or you can't look after your baby

I use to be you so big hugs firstly. My dd1 use to feed this much and it turned out she was tounge tied. Find your local breastfeeding support group.

Secondly with the 'pulling your weight' my counsellor for my PND told me to think that if I was paying a nanny to take care of my DD what would I expect? I would expect Nanny to stimulate baby by going out and about and make food, wash up from baby and perhaps switch the washing machine on. Once I got that in my head I found it a lot easier not to feel guilty.

I couldn't stand baby groups tbh, but used to go for a walk, wander round shops, to see friends etc. They're not obligatory.

Blimey O'Reilly matey. I thought I was bad for beating myself up about random shit that no one else has even noticed, but you - that's it, I'm giving up and going home

It sounds as if you're doing brilliantly. If you're ok and your DS is ok, then REALLY, anything else is a bonus!

You are totally allowed to do things for no better reason than just to make yourself feel better. Sleep is most definitely in that category. You're bf a great deal, it's exhausting, you're up a lot at night and you need to catch up as and when you can. Baby groups are not a luxury - they are for DS's benefit, and for you to be able to talk to other parents and get support. That's not an indulgence - it's an essential.

It took me far too long to understand that it really was ok to put my own needs first sometimes - when I became a mum, I was thrown into "Omg must do EVERYTHING for him" mode, which is very understandable but sadly not sustainable. If you don't look after yourself, sooner or later you find you don't have anything left to give to others. These days, I'm seriously good at it. I can sit on the sofa with a cup of tea and a biscuit and happily ignore the washing up for half an hour, because right then it's more important for me to sit on the sofa with my tea and biscuit - and in half an hour, the washing up will still be there, patiently waiting.

It sounds to me like you're massively over thinking things! I am not a sahp but obviously had a maternity leave and didn't go back until DC were about 10
Months.

BF all day is tough but at 4m, more often than not, you're not feeding 24/7 (growth spurts aside!) I don't see why things can't be don't during the day- loads of washing, tumbled or put out to dry, dishwasher loaded and run, loo bleached, general tidy up, run Hoover & moo
Round a few times a week. Some days you'll have a bad day and none
Of this will get done! Relax and don't beat yourself up. Catch up
Tomorrow.

Food, who cares? You do it if you have time or let him. Learn to Love freezer food.

What I'm saying is you should be able to do the lions share. That's what I'd expect if I had a sahp and went out to work. I wouldn't come home and do days worth of housework. But if you don't get to it because you're busy one day who cares? Let it go.

Please get out to groups. Babies need air and interaction and so do you; sitting in a house all day is mind numbing and depressing. It shouldn't mean you can't do house work! Housework is just one of
Those things you do, like eating. Do
It as you need to.

Nah. You pay a nanny and they dont clean . When you have a nanny the Parents have to come home and clean. No nanny- parents still come home and clean.
You can't compare yourself to a nanny, because between you you both have to do the housework.

Even if you have a cleaner, washing etx needs doing daily.

Let me make you feel better.

I have an 8 month old and I work.

When she was 4 months old, I was off work, and mostly did fuck all in the house. I cooked on an evening because I like cooking and it got me a bit of time to myself, and gave DH chance to have some time with DD.

I cleaned the bathroom (sometimes) and the kitchen (sometimes) on a weekend but not a right lot else.

My main priority was getting out of the house, having company, keeping my sanity! I had to make sure I went out every day nearly. Couldn't stay at home.

DH is off with her at the minute and they don't go out that much. He's fine just with her company.

Everyone's priorities are different, of course they are. But in the gentlest, nicest possible way, you can't do everything. If housework is important then prioritise it, but getting yourself out of the house is super important too. It's not taking the piss to go out at all. Your baby won't care whether you go to a group and meet people but it could make the world of difference to you.

(And a pile of washing up seems less important when you've been out and spoken to other adults and maybe even had someone make you a cup of tea.)

My ds is 7 months and I'm at home while DH works. I do the majority of the household stuff, washing, basic cleaning, cooking etc during the week. I usually go out every day. Baby groups, coffee, supermarket, friends over to visit. I don't count them as leisure time, even if I do enjoy them. On a weekend I usually do housework while DH looks after ds.

BUT - DS naps well in his cot and always has done. His feeds never usually took ages and he's generally pretty chilled and happy to watch me cook/play with laundry etc. I do have days where I get nothing done and have to phone DH to get him to pick up ingredients or a takeaway on his way home from work! I thought that was just normal

What I'm saying is you should be able to do the lions share. That's what I'd expect if I had a sahp and went out to work.

He doesn't "have" a SAHM (not using P, no fucker ever expects this shit of men even though they are almost never at home with a baby).

She is a person, not an appliance.

She is well within the ordinary maternity leave window. That means that it has been decided that women with babies if that age need time off work to look after those babies.

There is no leave given for women to indulge their husbands' preferences for not doing any housework.

My god these responses are depressing! When I was on mat leave, we didn't change our normal household routines - I didn't suddenly become a "housewife" just because I'd had a baby! Normally, I do all the washing control freak but DH does his ironing, I keep bathrooms clean, he keeps kitchen clean except the floor, he's crap at mopping floors , we both tidy and clean rest of the house and split the cooking - he sorts the food shop. None of this changed whilst I was on mat leave, because I was on mat leave to look after the baby. I went to baby groups or saw mates when it suited me. Then I went back to work and we just carried on. And now I'm back at work I get all the lie-ins because the toddler is still feeding and doesn't sleep! He has always been happy to pull his weight, because we are an equal partnership, a team, I am not his slave.

Oh, and don't worry about the feeding both my DC1 & 3 have been just the same, some are just less efficient than others!

Wow, thanks so much for all the posts! I'm touched! I'm also running myself a bath. Shazam. Had long chat with DP and he was so supportive. The funny thing is I'm a socialist and I think parenting is really under-valued but I guess I don't apply it to myself. In theory I think that spending time showing my son trees or meeting other parents is important and a valid way to spend an afternoon, but
when it comes to myself I think that if I enjoy my time at home with him then people will think I'm living the life of riley
whilst DP works. I think if DP liked his job i
would feel better about enjoying my time (maternity leave). It's just an all-round self imposed guiltfest. But anyway, I am going to try to get out of the house more and not feel like it is an indulgence. DP thinks I'm doing a great job and wants me to get out. And re: feeding; DS has a high palate but will speak to HV again.

You absolutely should not feel guilty about going to a mum and baby group! Bloody hell they aren't that much fun.
I'm sahm to a 3 yo. I take care of laundry, shop for and cook most meals. I dust, clean bathroom l. I'm pregnant with spd so can't hoover or mop. Do general tidying through the day.
Some days you should nap when your baby does so you catch up a bit of sleep. Lie in for a couple of hours at weekend maybe while dh takes baby for a walk?
When my ds was little I went out everyday. Not always to a group. Eg.
Monday morning walk in Park and coffee
Tuesday supermarket shop
Wednesday baby group
Thursday see my sister and her ds, go to soft play
Friday shopping centre for a wander and coffee

Doesn't have to be anything big. I think around that schedule I could stay on top of most housework and dh could do bathtime and sort washing up after dinner plus do anything else urgent. You do get more leisure time back but you both have to pull together to get through it.