to not want my 15 year old DD to have the top of her ear (helix?) pierced?

[mustbemad71]

She is badgering me about it - really not keen but it's her body? Will the hole close up completely if she changes her mind in a few years? Worried it will catch on something as she does a lot of sport and dance - ear rips? AIBU?

Just to let you know, they take a lot longer than lobes to heal. Dd was told about 6 months. She lost hers on holiday and had to have it repierced.

I would let her get it done and help her to find somewhere reputable.

Problem when you forbid your kids from doing things, is that they can become afraid of disappointing you and allow you to control them forever.

Or they do things anyway and hide everything from you.

I have experience of both.

It's not a big deal. Piercings are pretty mainstream now. I'm sure she won't get any negative judgement on it.

You sound like a lovely, reasonable mum.

Beau - you may have missed my post, I'm still wondering why it's ok for you to have pierced ears but not your son? How would you feel (as an adult), if your parents treated you as a silly little child for said ear piercings in the same way you have treated your son?

Beaufort

I have a great relationship with my mother, thanks! She learned to keep her unhelpful opinions to herself after I started living my life without seeking her constant approval.

I didn't miss your post. I think there's a world of difference between one hole in each lobe for women and cartilege piercings elsewhere.

I don't recall treating either of my children as silly little children. I would never buy a silly little child a car for instance or have a discussion about existentialism with a silly little child. Neither, however, would I give my permission for my 15 year old child to have a cartilege piercing or a tattoo.

My pierced ears healed after about 10 weeks, dd's after about 6. DS's cartilege piercing never healed. He did it as a consenting adult and as such it was his responsibility to look after it. Had he done it as a child with my permission it would have been my responsibility to make sure he look after it.

"I see you've removed the thing" "ha" he laughed "took you two days to notice" "why was that then" I said "oh, you know ma, I grew up a bit and it was never comfortable"

All quite light hearted and loving. However, I don't see why I should have to justify myself on the internet, especially as I haven't made any personal comments directed to anybody else.

BTW you haven't responded to my post about the level of vitriol on here over pierced ears compared to the welcoming vibes over cartilege piercings for children below the age if consent.

Of course your son's piercing never healed after he took it out - you never told him he was probably allergic to the material used! The only time I had scarring from a piercing was through an allergic reaction, although nobody knew I was allergic - my mother would never had let me suffer to make a point, however old I was. Why is it ok for girls to have their lower ears pierced over boys having any? In my social group there are not many people who wear lobe earrings, they're actually quite old fashioned. It's usually only either young people with ear stretchers, or middle class mummy-types who I ever see them with (unless it's a special occasion).

You weren't asked to give a 15 year old permission, you did seem however to be very disparaging of your adult son making a decision, and admit laughing about his 'thing' after. It's very disrespectful actually, modern times have moved on from this attitude.

It has healed. It healed as soon as he took it out.

I suspect we mix in different circles. Almost everyone I know, including dd's teenage friends, has two pierced ear lobes. Such nasty, old fashioned types that we are. Each to their own I think.

My apologies, I assumed there was scarring. My point still stands though - he had to take it out because you didn't tell him he was very likely to be allergic. Thank goodness it was just his ear. If he's had a more sensitive part of his body pierced, I doubt you or him would have found the following infection as amusing.

Most women I know have had their lobes pierced, including myself. Some silly idea that it looks 'nice' on girls. It is old fashioned, but not nasty - just outdated in ideals of how boys and girls should look. My social circle never cared who had holes where, regardless of gender. We're all highly educated and not had issues finding work, despite our silly mutilations.

I didn't actually have the chance to tell him he was likely to be allergic because he didn't tell me he was having done. He returned from a school trip (for which it would have been an absolute no no) and had it done before another trip. I was rather occupied with his washing, not cross examining him about his exact whereabout for his one full day in the UK. Whether it didn't heal because of an allergy to the surgical steel (or whatever it was) I don't know and neither do you - it's a possibility because I'm allergic to various metals. Wish I'd never posted what was supposed to be a light hearted thread to then be accused of being an awful parent, spiteful, etc., by people who have no idea about my relationship with my children.

My DS went on and on and on about this until he was about 18.5 and then had it done in the summer holidays before uni somewhere in Camden Market. He was as pleased as punch I was very cross with him and always referred to it as "his maiming". It never really healed up very well, it was always getting sore, he regularly asked me to get him some lotion/alcohol for it and I always refused telling him to get it himself as he was old enough to have a piercing.

Sorry, but your original post does not match to 'I didn't actually have the chance to tell him he was likely to be allergic because he didn't tell me he was having done'. If you knew he wanted it done, you should have told him you found you had some allegies to certain metals. You then chose not to help him out afterward he had it done. However that's your perogative. I don't think you're spitful, I think you have out-of-touch and coming over quite snobbish on this matter. Whether it's lobes or other type of piercings, on men or women, it makes no difference. I just think you were quite mean to make your son suffer for having a piercing, when you have them yourself. There is no difference, but I don't think you will admit to that.

Mermaid and Witch, I gave my opinion, which is that I personally think most piercings and tattoos, in general, are not flattering and reeks of trying to be "cool" and different when in fact they look like everybody else and now these huge hole piercings in the ear look truly awful and painful.

These trends are permanent and scar and destroy the skin, in my opinion. Why do it? "To be cool" "I want to be different" that is in a nutshell. In other words, grasping to be popular, part of a trendy or "in" crowd.

In my opinion, these things are not cool or unique in any way, it's following an unflattering trend to try to make a statement of supposed rebellion to a shadowy authority. It's silly, it's destructive to the body, it's permanent scarring, and the truth is, most piercings and tattoos don't look good, whether it's on a celebrity or anybody. They look cheap and the big roses and various things like that look gaudy in the extreme. People like Chris Martin looks so silly with earrings, does he not? Admit it, he does. Harrison Ford looks silly with his one earring, come on. I'm saying what most of us know is true, it is unflattering! It is grasping for "coolness" (even people who are already unique or successful, they think they have to do this, like Cheryl putting the huge rose on her behind, I'm sorry, that is beyond dumb. Let alone not cool. That's my opinion. That's not to say it doesn't look nice on some people who do it in a tasteful way, like the above poster who posted the picture. It looks right on some people, I agree.

I didn't have the chance to tell him. For the three years until he was 18 he went on about it. He then stopped. I had no idea he was going to get it done.

Anyway there is no reason at all why I should have to justify myself or my relationships with my children to you.

I don't expect you to 'justify' yourself. I just hope that you won't be so judgemental of anything but lobe piercings in future - they're all just holes in skin. However, I doubt it will be the case, sometimes it's difficult to see beyond one's own world. As you say, each to their own.

Ignore the horror photos, after care is key.
That includes keeping clean pillowcases on the bed, change them every two days. Don't pick or touch it, don't use peroxide or other antispetics.

Just wash three tomes a day with a salt water soak. thats all you do.

You can get Bioplast clear retainers for school. They are suitable for new piercings. You can supply one to your piercer and request they autoclave it.

www.bodyjewelleryshop.com/online_store/retainers_1087.cfm

I took DD (14) to have hers done at Claire's for a Christmas present. I know all stores are not the same but I was very impressed with the professionalism and experience of the lady that did it, that way she spoke to DD about after-care etc. She has kept it clean and it has been fine. They did say not to remove the stud for a year as it takes a lot longer to heal than a piercing on the lobe.

Theimpossiblegirl - Claire's is not a good place to get pierced - I have nothing against the staff, but they are not real, qualified piercers. It should be done with a needle, not a gun, in a proper setting. If ever unsure about it, always ask the piercer about their traning. Again, never (even for lobes) let someone do it with a gun-machine. It should not take a year for it to properly heal. Sorry, I'm glad your daughter's turned out ok, but I would advise anyone thinking of having one done, or taking their child not to go to places like Claire's - they may seem confident but it doesn't mean they know what they are doing.

Actually, Little I do think some of them look nice. Not all, granted, but I love my double piercings, my friend's tattoo and some celeb's piercings/tattoos too. So, no, not everyone has the same opinion that they look horrible or 'sheep like' as you

However, my opinion of what another person does with their own body shouldn't (and doesn't, I'm sure) matter one jot. The only opinion that counts is that of the wearer.

I'm sorry, but people who judge on stuff like this get my goat a bit, far worse things people can do than have a hole in their ear.

I haven't rtft but would just advise that if school will want her to take it out, I would wait until she leaves. Upper ear piercings can take months if not years to heal properly. Having to take it out and try and put back in could be pretty painful and might cause the piercing to get infected/sore. They can heal up really quickly too. I'm all for piercings and have plenty myself but would definitely wait until I could keep them in to heal properly

My 16 dd had it done a couple of months ago. I think it looks nice. I also think you need to choose your battles and I just couldn't get worked up over a small ear piecing.

It's sore. I couldn't sleep properly for week.

OTOH, it's been 20 odd years since I did it ha ha ha more and can still wear something in in.

Chimchar and Champale thanks for your advice - and everyone else! We've chatted and she's decided to wait until Sept when she's 16 - after our summer hols so no risk of infection from a swimming pool. Also her dad can't really have a go at her if she's 16. Until then she's going to try out an ear cuff.

OP, I'm glad you got it worked out with your daughter!

Witch, I'm not judging their good character or challenging their integrity or worth. I'm saying I think most tattoos and piercings are not flattering. That's my opinion. We differ in our opinion, that's all. You think most are flattering, I think most are not flattering.

As far as the extreme piercings and tattoos go, some of them, like the really large tattoos covering large areas of the body, make me so sad for the people who do this. What kind of psychological issues do they have that they feel they must cover themselves almost totally in permanent ink? Artistic self expression? No, I don't think so.

Little - just because you don't understand why people do it, does not make them mentally ill. Seriously, have a think before writing such ludicrous thoughts out. It is self-expression, skin is a blank canvas for some. I'm a perfectly happy person for one, I'd be quite happy to be tattooed and pierced all over if I had the money. As I said on another thread, tatts and piercings are not for you personally to enjoy or look at, they are for the individual person. It's like me saying I don't find long hair on a man flattering, or I think girls who use fake tan obviously have some serious personal issues to feel they need to do so. The fact is, it's none of mine how other people dress or make themselves up, and I certainly don't wonder about their state of mind! It's fine not to like them yourself, but do not make such jugdmental assumtions as to why people chose to have piercings and tattoos.