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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am missing the "love babies/children" gene

84 replies

Twuntsrule · 20/01/2016 17:34

I need some advice...long ago, I decided that motherhood was not for me, probably because of the home environment I grew up in. Babies and small children interest me for about 15 minutes, then I'm done. (When they grow into teens, the dynamic changes for the better.) Right now, I'm in my early 50s and both of my much younger cousins have had children. I try my best, but still lose interest quickly, then am bored and resentful while I have to continue to watch all the other adults fuss over them for the next couple of hours. The idea of babysitting horrifies me. I've bought them the right toys and a number of books that I loved as a child (Dr. Seuss/Richard Scarry), so I am trying to be a good cousin. Now, I know I have SOME maternal instinct, as I am the best "mother" ever to my two cats, but that's about where it ends. So I guess what I'm asking is if I'm a total wench and not fit to tie their bibs, or if there are others who are not totally bowled over by babies/children. (BTW, I had little use for the parents of these children until they were about 14 and we've been close ever since.)

OP posts:
Katenka · 20/01/2016 18:56

I have 2 kids. I adore them.

However if I could bypass the baby stage and just have them arrive at four, I would have been happier.

Baby and toddler years are the bit I had to 'get through'.

I love my niece and nephew but not interested in running round after them when we go out for meals.

I love that my kids are older now.

I am not fussed about other peoples kids. I have never felt broody either. Having kids wasn't an emotional decision for me.

Also whenever I see babies now I never think 'oh how cute, I miss the baby days'. In my head I am thinking 'so glad we don't have babies still'.

Out loud I do the 'oh how cute' obviously.

Gunting · 20/01/2016 19:00

I felt the same way and wasn't really bothered by babies and children.

I accidentally got pregnant and my son is the best thing ever and I'm suddenly interested in babies.

If I hadn't have got pregnant when I did then I don't think I would have actively tried so no you're not being unreasonable.

HPsauciness · 20/01/2016 19:07

If you haven't had your own baby, or a large amount of contact with a baby, I think babies can be quite scary- you might drop them or not know what to do when they cry. Now I've had my own, I love cuddling other peoples!

I am not like you, though, I do find quite a lot of children pretty engaging. Not everyone, just as I don't find all adults engaging, but I usually find some way to tune into the way a child is thinking or playing and find something to chat about (I prefer verbal children but will play peekaboo with a baby).

I don't think disliking children/babies or being bored by them is something amazing though, people seem to be outdoing themselves for disliking the under 14's as if it is something to be proud of. I don't find all elderly people really fascinating, but I don't boast about it and I do try to find something to connect with across all ages.

FishOn · 20/01/2016 19:08

I feel the same OP even down to the cats

We are told constantly that motherhood is what we 'should' do. But like everything it's just not right for everyone.

lostInTheWash · 20/01/2016 19:10

SchnooSchnoo experience was like mine - no interest before eldest now think most DC are cute - though don't like to spend too long with very young babies prefer ones that are on the move.

Bunbaker · 20/01/2016 19:27

"I don't think disliking children/babies or being bored by them is something amazing though, people seem to be outdoing themselves for disliking the under 14's as if it is something to be proud of"

I don't agree. MN is full of posts from women who want another child and replies saying "go for it", or women with large families. I think us non maternal ones are in the minority, so we are justifying why we don't feel maternal.

I have never felt broody in my life, and when someone asks if they should have a 4th/5th/6th/7th etc child. I just think "Why, just why?"

BOTTERSNIKESandGUMBLES1971 · 20/01/2016 19:27

Twuntsrule - Excellent choice on books you've purchased! They can be read for years to come.

Katenka · 20/01/2016 19:32

people seem to be outdoing themselves for disliking the under 14's as if it is something to be proud of.

because they dare admit they don't feel maternal?

Funny how people post wanting more kids get support. But admitting to being not being maternal is some how competing?

Corygal1 · 20/01/2016 19:36

I consider myself really fortunate to be childfree. I love my fat tabby to bits, Dns all adorable, and boy am I glad I missed out on the drudgery that is most parenting.

Original poster
Twuntsrule · 20/01/2016 19:42

BOTTERS, thank you! I have also buying (well in advance, as they are 16mo and 9mo) books by Astrid Lindgren, plus Harriet the Spy, Snow Treasure, and other classic books. I am hoping that one day I can read my favorites to them. It could happen!
And thanks to Bunbaker and Katenka for your support!

OP posts:
HPsauciness · 20/01/2016 19:47

You don't need to feel maternal not to dislike children, I never felt maternal before I had children, but I didn't feel uninterested by every child I met. I just tended to see children as little people, some more appealing and interesting than others. I still do.

HermioneWeasley · 20/01/2016 19:51

YANBU at all. I don't have a maternal bone in my body.

I think it's a bit odd to be resentful of the family attention on the kids though.

comingintomyown · 20/01/2016 19:52

YANBU

I never wanted DC then had two which I don't regret and actually I've enjoyed it, however I enjoyed ages 0-12 far more than the ages of 16 and 19 that they are now. I'm not enjoying being a parent as much as it seems to still be a great deal of work and responsibility without the fun and charm of little DC.

ThenLaterWhenItGotDark · 20/01/2016 19:57

Absolutely NBU!

I think we are genetically programmed to, you know, not eat our own babies, or chuck them out into the snow or feed them to tigers, but that's about it.

I actually find people who gush about kids really weird. I mean, you don't go round going "oh I just love humans!" Some are nice, some are lovely, some are vile (humans) and kids are just mini versions.

Dd is, of course, marvellous. To me. I recognise that to other people she's just another small human.

Katenka · 20/01/2016 19:58

You don't need to feel maternal not to dislike children,

Well I neither feel maternal or feel overly interested in other people's children.

They are little people. Neither am I overly interested in most people.

I can't imagine anyone calling it competing if someone said 'Aibu to not be interested in most people'

I see hundreds of people a day on my commute. Not automatically that fussed about any of them. Why would it be different with little people?

ThenLaterWhenItGotDark · 20/01/2016 20:00

I didn't mind dd when she was a baby, as she slept a lot and so didn't really do anything irritating.

She's great now she's 12 and we can watch Dr Who and choose perfume together.

I found the having to play with huge plastic trinklematranks and watching inane primary colour dressed presenters pretending to love their jobs as Cbeebies presenters fucking mindnumbing though. Cbeebies may have something to do with dd being an only child...

OTheHugeManatee · 20/01/2016 20:03

I'm not particularly interested in babies and small children. Especially not other peoples'. The thought of getting on the floor and playing with a three year old for more than a few minutes fills me with horror.

There's nothing wrong with you Smile

ifcatscouldtalk · 20/01/2016 20:10

Yanbu. We are all wired differently. I think i make a decent mum but i would never say i was made for it. I enjoy the company of young people and love watching my dd grow, learn and achieve new things. I could never describe myself as a baby person, i don't care if i don't hold whoevers baby and never ask for a hold. A good friend of mine goes all
dreamy at the sight of a baby where as i barely notice them.... I can't resist a kitten or puppy hug though.Smile

lorelei9 · 20/01/2016 20:18

YANBU
I don't think anything but societal crap in terms of instinct
Some have it, others don't

I am 40, childfree, massively relieved that older sister and cousin didn't want them either because then I'd have ended up seeing them a lot less.

I have taken friends kids to doctor etc in emergencies but would never say "oh I'll babysit while you go to the theatre". No way. I'm so relieved that there's no more infants in my circle, that's the worst stage.

I've got two friends in their 20s who want children, in theory (I think one in particular is moving to the CF side) but this time around, I will be much more blunt, I never ever want to spend another afternoon attempting to lunch with a toddler in tow!

MatildaTheCat · 20/01/2016 20:45

Wait until the children are a bit older and people in their own right. Chances are that you will like them and be happy to spend time chatting or playing together. It seems like no time at all since my nieces and nephews were babies in whom I had only a passing interest. They are now young adults and we get on like a house on fire.

From about the age of 6 children really develop a personality and you might enjoy hanging out together a bit.

But no YANBU for not feeling too much so far.

VoldysGoneMouldy · 20/01/2016 20:56

I absolutely adore kids. Genuinely prefer them to grown ups a lot of the time. Have to restrain myself from running up to talk to children, and want to ask parents all about them - get really upset when I see children upset and crying. I'd love to spend all day with children of all ages, adore watching them problem solve, and seeing them grow and learn. Makes me all warm and fuzzy. I'm terrified of teenagers though Grin

However, of course you're not being unreasonable! And there's certainly nothing wrong with you. Wouldn't it be boring if everyone is the same? You sound like you're being a fantastic cousin and person in their lives.

specialsubject · 20/01/2016 21:10

it's fine as long as you don't have your own - which you didn't.

apparently Queen Victoria hated babies, and wasn't a great parent when they were older. So in an age before contraception she produced nine dysfunctional individuals. Thank goodness we've moved on.

BertieBotts · 20/01/2016 21:12

You sound completely normal! Not everyone likes children.

I quite like them over seven and under three. And then, mostly, only mine!

HeavyFrost · 20/01/2016 21:29

Nothing to be apologetic about, OP. I think that for a significant minority of people children are like being at a silent disco with no headphones - everyone else is dancing away, and you're shrugging and wondering what on earth is so interesting. I had one child at 40, more or less out of curiosity, but I can honestly say I had never felt broody or maternal in my life. I don't understand broodiness at all, in fact. I adore my son, but if there is a naturally maternal type of person, I'm certainly not it.

I am always baffled by women on here who unselfconsciously describe themselves as 'a mum', or talk about 'other mums' at the schoolgate - I am, obviously, my son's mother, but I don't think of myself (or other women with children) primarily in terms of their motherhood.

I have two childfree sisters - one genuinely adores spending time with my 3 year old, even in the most tiresome 'let's pretend' games, the other simply isn't interested at all, nor do I expect her to be.

lorelei9 · 20/01/2016 21:38

Heavy, do you mind if I ask, do you really mean that you had a child out of curiosity? I guess it's just odd phrasing because, well, lifetime commitment...I mean, what if you had hated having a child?

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