To not want to buy a new car?

[dontrunwithscissors]

Background is: DH was made redundant in the summer. We have decided that he will be a SAHP for a while, plus there are no jobs around here anyway (40% unemployment). We can cope financially, but only just.

DH's car is a 14 year old VW. It is on the verge of needing a lot of money spent on it. I have a 2 year old Citroen DS3-- it's a lovely, top of the range, sporty model. All paid for. We absolutely need 1 car. I have said we need to scrap his car and go down to 1 car as we really can't afford the running costs of 2 cars and definitely can't replace his. (It comes down to a 2nd car v a holiday/Xmas presents/some nice time as a family/ saving a little bit etc). DH has reluctantly agreed.

I'm the one who will bear the brunt of this chnange---DH will need my car to get the kids to school so I will have to get this bus to work which takes twice as long as driving.

OK, so, DH says that he's embarrassed to drive my car. He's really unhappy. He wants to save to replace it for a bigger /manly/bloody expensive car. Think in the region of £25k minimum & I think he would like closer to £30k. He says we need a bigger car for when we visit family/take the DDs places etc. AIBU to think this is a terrible and unnecessary waste of money? I can't get my head around why he would find my car such an embarrassment to drive. He says that men driving BMWs/Mercedes/Audi laugh and smirk at him when they see what he is driving.

He doesn't want to take the kids on
a short caravan holiday because he wants to put the money towards a new car. He wanted to scale Xmas right back for the same reason. I can't understand why he would want to sacrifice a family holiday versus some incredibly expensive piece of metal. AIBU to not understand why is his sense of identity is so reliant upon having an expensive car?

A back of the envelope calculation, a new 30K car is going to cost you 50%*30/36 = £417 in average monthly depreciation during the first three years. On the same basis, assuming it is now worth about 10K, you would save about £139 a month by getting rid of the citroen. So you would be £278 a month worse off in terms of depreciation each month, following his plan. That is a a lot more expensive than just running an old second car.

50% * 30K/36 = £417

No way in your position would I agree to spending £25k on a car. Is walking to school really out of the question? Or bus for them? Does it have to be you catching a bus? Can't you get two cars for £5k each?

My car is 18 years old and cost me less than £2k 8 years ago. Only once have I spent over £500 annually for a problem highlighted by the MOT. Usually it's £200. Last year zero. I just think with one of you unemployed it's a complete waste of money. Maybe a compromise on the type/cost of a car needs to be met - especially as I think the longer he's out the work force the harder it will be for him to return, even after the kids don't need him around, so all the financials costs for the foreseeable future, which could be years and years, will be down to you. You need to be shoring up money not spending it. What happens if you're also made unemployed? Lovely car but less savings.

I'd get his car through the MOT and sell and then decide who needs your car the most, or whether it's economical to sell yours and get two cheaper ones. But if at all possible I'd go down to one car and if possible him and the kids walk to school or go by bus. Could you all leave the same time and you be dropped off first?

Why not sell your car and buy 2 cheap run arounds? Buy two cars for about £6,000 each and put the rest of the money towards the running costs. Cars really don't need to be that expensive.

You need to make childcare provisions so that he can go out and get a job. The car is just a distraction from the real problem.

For what its worth, we have two great big bloody 4x4s, both relatively new that would have easily bankrupted us this year had we not worked our backsides off. to pay for the repairs.

too tired I don't think that's the real problem. op says they taken the decision that her husband would be a sahp. I think you might be reading too much into the post.

Yeah... I just changed my car, and bought a 4 year old, 5 door Eco diesel Astra, for £5000. It replaced my 13 year old Astra, which had given me many years of faithful service. It's a great, big standard car, comfortable to drive, and it's shiny red with tinted windows. DP isn't embarrassed to drive it.
His is an 8 year old Audi, and he drops the kids to school en route to work. People don't point and laugh at either car, but we are using my car for family stuff, as it's newer, and has better safety features.
I would say spending £25k on a car in your circumstances is madness. More to do with his feelings of 'manliness', I'd guess....

Madness.

Is he thinkng that because the smaller car is paid off now those regular ££'s can be put to finance another car? Then he started looking at specs and got carried away.

Since having children it's always been me who has had the big car. It tended to be me who needed to fit a buggy and a weekly shop in the boot. Or take the kids away camping on my own. My husband only had to get himself to work, so it made sense for him to have the small, economical, cheaper car. This has automatically carried on once I was back to work. Yes, he has always had senior professional jobs but has managed in ickle vehicles and no one gives a shit.

So from my experience I can see that it would be better for him to have a larger car if possible. But the embarrassed thing is ridiculous, how much of your driving time are you seen getting in and out of the car? How much of your entire year are you seen getting in and out of your car? When you're driving no one gives a stuff who you are and what car you're in. If they do its fleeting and you probably won't see them again.

What about a plan? Sleep on it for 3 to 6 months due to circumstances having changed. Revisit the situation, if he is still happy to be a sahp then look at options to get a bigger car. Making sure you both budget it up properly in order to judge what is realistic.

DP and I both work and have a very healthy income and own our house (with mortgage of course). we have plenty to spare at the end of the month.

we have one car. your car makes our car look like a trike. if you have 25k for a car, you aren't cash strapped.

Why not go for something 2 or 3 years old, low mileage and service history?
So much cheaper than new and will hold its value better.

Have a look on Autotrader and compare with new prices, it's an eye opener.

You need to make childcare provisions so that he can go out and get a job. The car is just a distraction from the real problem

totally agree with this

No way does he need a new car! He's being ridiculous.

We are a low income family with two dc and we manage just fine with one 2003 Renault Megane that cost us £995 4 years ago. Touch wood no major issues and gets us everywhere we need to be. I can't ever imagine spending £30k on a car especially when you're only just making ends meet and have a nice car already. He's being a total idiot.

Unemployed men don't usually get to drive £25,000 cars!

Maybe you (as a family) need childcare and he should get a job.

I think he feels emasculated by being a SAHP and he's projecting this onto the car. As though forcing the family to make sacrifices so he can have a 'manly' car will change the realities of his situation.

Needless to say YANBU.

I agree with others. I think the car is a red herring - this is more mid life crisis plus redundancy and not really wanting to be sahd.

Maybe he should be looking for a new job instead?

As though forcing the family to make sacrifices so he can have a 'manly' car will change the realities of his situation.

Maybe throwing his weight around will change the reality of him no longer being the most important person in the family?

By spending more than can be afforded on a car for trivial reasons, he would reassert himself as the most important person.

Everyone else can miss out on holidays and Christmas presents so that he can drive a brand new exec car on the school run.

That says a lot about his relative status compared to wife and kids.

50% * 30K/36 = £417

Which is why buying a new or nearly new car is insane
Lease a brand new Audi over 24 months. No tax, mot etc then give it back.

Deposit 1144
Monthly 190

Total £229 a month or about the same as loan repayments on something for £15 that needs money spending on it and depreciates.

www.intelligentcarleasing.com/deals/audi/a4/a4-saloon/1.4t-fsi-se-4dr

Men often see their car as a penis extension of themselves. Look at how some cars are marketed, they are aiming to make men want them so they feel more "manly"!
I think your DH is probably massively suffering from identity loss, feeling demeaned and belittled by not being the bread winner and being a SAHP instead. I think some men, if they have a traditional mindset, really feel this way, even if there is no reason for it!
Try suggesting an unfashionable large car (as he says he needs the space etc) like a Citroen Picasso or a zafira or something and see if he still wants one then!
I think you really need to sit down with him and speak about the underlying issues.
Finally, if you do go for a car, don't buy new - buy a 6m - 1 year old car, still as new but has taken the biggest hit of the depreciation already.

women like cars to be pink and have a space for their handbag. They never know how to fix them and can't park.

is that an acceptable statement? Of course not.

don't assume the stupid represent their entire half of the species.

Tell him to get out there and get a job if he wants that sort of car then

Unemployed men don't usually get to drive £25,000 cars!

He isn't an unemployed man, he is about to be a SAHF. Unless you think SAHM are unemployed women too and I've seen plenty of SAHM driving around in cars that cost a hell of a lot more than 25,000.

However, in the circumstances described he is being absurd in wanting a flashy brand new car. It may be a reaction to his changing role, but I can't imagine many people switch from full time work to full time child carer without some difficulty adjusting or anxiety about their changing status.

I'd keep the VW running for as long as possible without spending any serious money on it. When he has settled into his role of SAHP he might be able to see what a berk he is being at the moment.

He is being ridiculous but you know that.

I have a cheapish, reliable small & sporty car. DP has the bigger, slightly higher end but thus older car.

He jumps at the chance to take mine as it's fun to drive, has all the new toys and is easy to park. The only thing his (manly, macho ) colleagues have ever said is 'that's a great wee motor for about the town' oddly enough.

Total £229 a month or about the same as loan repayments on something for £15 that needs money spending on it and depreciates.

At the risk of derailing the thread into a buy versus leasing discussion, where do you get those numbers? I followed your link and for that car, over 24 months with 10,000 miles per year and no maintenance, for a non-business user the cost is £1385.50 deposit plus £461.83 a month. Which works out at £519 per month.

I think people are being a bit harsh here on reflection. Yes the OP's DH is being ridiculous but he may be really struggling with redundancy and having a hard time coming to terms with his new role. God knows plenty of women struggle when they stop working to be SAHPs - feeling like they've lost their identity - and it's relatively socially acceptable for women to be SAHPs. By contrast, men who SAH are a small minority and have a whole extra payload of prejudice to deal with. If you add to that the emotional impact of being made redundant, which anyone who's experienced it knows is horrible, and he may be feeling very low indeed, diminished and dependent and deprived of the outward things that made him a 'proper man' beforehand. I can see how that could then be projected onto other men, who he imagines are laughing at him driving a 'woman's car'.

It's easy to scoff at that and say he should pull himself together. And of course that's true in a sense. But the OP will probably have a more constructive discussion with her DH if she bears in mind some of the possible underlying sensitivities that are prompting this plainly unreasonable demand. It's hard to know how to address the actual problem as we don't know the man in question, but it might be worth asking him how he feels about SAH and if he's that ambivalent, re-visiting the idea of him looking for a job.