To not want to buy a new car?

[dontrunwithscissors]

Background is: DH was made redundant in the summer. We have decided that he will be a SAHP for a while, plus there are no jobs around here anyway (40% unemployment). We can cope financially, but only just.

DH's car is a 14 year old VW. It is on the verge of needing a lot of money spent on it. I have a 2 year old Citroen DS3-- it's a lovely, top of the range, sporty model. All paid for. We absolutely need 1 car. I have said we need to scrap his car and go down to 1 car as we really can't afford the running costs of 2 cars and definitely can't replace his. (It comes down to a 2nd car v a holiday/Xmas presents/some nice time as a family/ saving a little bit etc). DH has reluctantly agreed.

I'm the one who will bear the brunt of this chnange---DH will need my car to get the kids to school so I will have to get this bus to work which takes twice as long as driving.

OK, so, DH says that he's embarrassed to drive my car. He's really unhappy. He wants to save to replace it for a bigger /manly/bloody expensive car. Think in the region of £25k minimum & I think he would like closer to £30k. He says we need a bigger car for when we visit family/take the DDs places etc. AIBU to think this is a terrible and unnecessary waste of money? I can't get my head around why he would find my car such an embarrassment to drive. He says that men driving BMWs/Mercedes/Audi laugh and smirk at him when they see what he is driving.

He doesn't want to take the kids on
a short caravan holiday because he wants to put the money towards a new car. He wanted to scale Xmas right back for the same reason. I can't understand why he would want to sacrifice a family holiday versus some incredibly expensive piece of metal. AIBU to not understand why is his sense of identity is so reliant upon having an expensive car?

X-post--no, it's silver/grey with a black gloss roof (same as in the link).

He's generally more careful with money than me. It's quite out of character for what I think is such a horrible waste of money. ive tried to see it from his point of view, but just can't get past such a massive amount of money, which we could use to pay off some of the mortgage. We would part-exchange my car, which I'm guessing is worth £10k.

Thanks pirate---sorry I wasn't clear. We would part exchange my car for a larger one. We absolutely have to go down to 1 car. I think that's upsetting him; he's hinted at feeling like he's 'failed'.

if your car is less than 2 years old you have already taken a HUGE hit on its value, so swapping it in right now would be financial madness, OP.

I appreciate it's not a 'family' car, but it's sporty and fun, and let's face it the issue here is his reduced feeling self-worth, which he is projecting onto the car.

I'm afraid i'm in the 'man up' team on this one.

If you can part-ex for something you're both happy with, for no / little extra £££, maybe that would be an acceptable compromise... We did similar, though wd have been easier if my DH could have sucked it up

.. meant to add...

get a trade-in quote for your car (or use 'we buy any car', it's about the same) and you will see the massive loss of value you are contemplating. That might help him take a different perspective ....

Don't really get why he can't drive your car to be honest, but I agree with PPs that a two door with kids is not ideal. Can you get any money from his old car at all? Then save up for a decent second hand car? You can get all manner of good deals from £5k upwards. Doesn't need to be a top brand, nor does it need to be top of a range. There are loads of cars out there. Paying £25k or £30k for a car when he's been made redundant is ludicrous. Saving a few thousand + anything from his car would be easier and hopefully you can still have a holiday. And in the meantime if he wants to use a decent car, he uses yours, and sucks it up (actually nothing to suck up, except his self-image issues).

I would prefer a 4 door car for a family. But there's no need to spend £25-30k for one. Is there not somewhere in between you two can compromise on?

I don't agree about the manly, sporty bit. But there are other reasons why that car you have isn't something I'd want.

We have a small family car. It's a 4-door Jazz. As long as you can easily put the kids in and out, and also fit a buggy in the boot, it's fine by my books

no, it's silver/grey with a black gloss roof (same as in the link).

Ah sorry, didn't see the link. I think the DS3s are quite funky (even the black and pink) and the DS3 Racing was very nice, although way overpriced (I don't think they sold many of those).

Two cars is easily doable, but I'm half-guessing (based on the "men driving BMWs/Mercedes/Audi laugh at me") he wants something brand new and posh/executive for the image.

Redundancy hits men hard because, well, that's mostly all we're good for: working (in our own perceptions). He almost certainly isn't being laughed at at all, it's his own low self-esteem he is projecting. A lot of people see a brand new car (or rather, a brand new reg plate) as a sign of success, and he's seeing this car (or lack of his own car) as a constant reminder of his lack of success.

Just re-reading your OP, I thought I was a bit off the mark seeing as how he has been happy with a 14-year-old VW and that he's usually careful with money, but it could be compensation for those feelings I mentioned above. It's certainly quite a radical change of attitude ('old car, careful with money' to 'want expensive car, sod the expense even if we're in financial difficulties').

Of course I could still be off the mark, but that's just my musings on the situation: the car is not the issue, it's the symptom.

if your car is less than 2 years old you have already taken a HUGE hit on its value, so swapping it in right now would be financial madness, OP.

Agree with this, especially when talking about part-exing. Changing cars to free up money, especially when going via a dealer, you would need to make a signficant step down to realise any real monetary savings, and you'd potentially be in a worse car for it. Selling and buying privately reduces the loss, but changing cars to save money very rarely works out.

A car is a massive expense and your DH needs to get a grip. You need a car to get from A to B - so a small economic one is what you need. When you go long distances you can always hire a car (we do that).

what sort of car is he scrapping, was it your big family car?
but you can get second hand cars for lots less than 30k, i honestly would.

My OH just got really flash and spent 10k on his "new" car for the first time ever.

Scrap the holidays and get a second car, unless your current journey to work is 10 mins doubling it will add a lot of stress and loads less family time.

but you can get second hand cars for lots less than 30k

You can get brand new cars for less than that. I've just specced up a Mondeo ticking pretty much every option, most powerful engine, etc. (but didn't go with the hybrid or Vignale) and got it at £31,600ish - that could probably be haggled down to £26k-ish anyway.

There's nothing 'girly' about that car.
Nobody NEEDS to spend 25k they don't have on a brand new vehicle. He could get one that's a couple of years old for much less.
He's being ridiculous.
Anyone who would laugh at another man over their perfectly normal unisex looking car is a fucking idiot. And he's probably imagining it anyway.

He is being a dick. I know my Dh would be the same though, he's really into cars and image. He would drive something like that if it was mine, but wouldnt like it to be the only car.

He needs to realise he can't have everything though, I don't think, and suck it up for now.

Is your job secure OP?

My dad and brother both participate in motorsports, engineer rally and supercars, and are total petrolheads. They both absolutely bite my arm off for a chance to drive my 2001 silver Ford Ka, I shit you not.

Your problem isn't your car, it's your DH.

wmittens. You're right. He's driven the old VW around (with broken electric window and other problems) for ages. It was our family car before it became too old for us to want to go long distances. It's def a squeeze in my car when we travel to see family. I don't like big cars (can't park) and he doesn't like small cars so I guess one of us is going to have to give. We can't afford to run a second car & im not massively bothered about getting the bus. I hate driving anyway. Id rather have one car and be able to do family 'stuff' together. I think we're both still getting our heads around the 1 wage situation. I feel a bit of guilt that he might be struggling being a SAHP because he's partly doing it so j can push on with trying to get promoted. We could afford a second car if that happened.

My jobs pretty secure (uni lecturer).

But like others says, trading in a 2 year car would lose you a lot of money. Would you be able to talk him in accepting it for the time being? Redundancy isn't the time to spend a lot of cash.

Tbh if he is struggling with the thought of being a sahp. He needs to get over it.

A big 'manly' car won't make him feel better. He thinks it will make people think he is still earning and 'a man'. It won't. People won't care and will still notice he is the one doing the school run.

It will make him happy for a few days, weeks at most. Until he realises that your wage is paying for it.

Buying things doesn't make you feel better if you are feeling inadequate.

You need to talk about this. About how he feels about being a sahp. It may be that this isn't going to work out long term and he needs to keep looking for work.

I would say he is being a prick over it being a 'girly car' (if t had been a barbie pink mini convertible he may - may - have had a point. That said, I am utterly unconcerned with what car I drive and anyone may think of me.

But a two door supermini isn't going to be the most practical family car and on that basis he has a very fair point.

Is it not possible to get rid of both and get a family sized model? If you still wanted something sporty, a used Skoda Octavia VRS would be a great compromise.

DH says that he's embarrassed to drive my car

What a loser. I'm a bloke and I don't mind driving small cars.

If he'd really wanted some testosterone chariot surely he'd have taken the plunge when his own car was a few years younger.

He's being utterly ridiculous. If he really can't face driving your car, tell him there's always the bus.

can you buy a new husband, one fitted with a brain?

just kidding. But what an arse. Peer pressure is for sheep.

buying your impractical gas guzzler may have been a mistake, but you'll lose a bomb changing it now. He could always get an ebay throwaway.

25k for a car when you are in that kind of financial state? Bonkers.

I think the financial loss from exchanging the current car for a bigger one will cost much more than continuing to run two cars. It would be cheaper to do that, buying him larger old cars off ebay for about £1000, replacing them whenever they break down. First wait for the VW to actually break down, of course.

Tell him to stop being silly.

How far is the kids' school?

Yeah good point Theoretician keep the VW til it either grinds to a halt or fails an MOT spectacularly. That is unless two lots of insurance, VED etc. are starting to bite.