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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To find out the gender of our baby in secret?

67 replies

Kimcan · 19/01/2016 20:40

First baby after trying for years. Beyond excited and obsessed with this baby already. I'm 15 weeks.

DH wants a surprise. I want to know. Would I be U to go to a private clinic on my own to find out the gender? Desperate to know. Thinking of doing it next week when I'm 16 weeks.

OP posts:

Birdsgottafly · 19/01/2016 20:42

How likely is it that you'll keep it quiet, though?

Are you completely happy with letting him decide this, because him not wanting to know, doesn't trump your right to know.

Thingsthatmakeugoummmm · 19/01/2016 20:42

Don't do it. There's nothing like the feeling of surprise when they place the baby in your arms. I don't think u should keep secrets from partners

ExtraBlessings · 19/01/2016 20:44

Congratulations. Enjoy your pregnancy. No view on the secret scan but how on earth will you keep that information under your hat?

Peyia · 19/01/2016 20:45

Tempting but I think it's unreasonable of you yo go behind his back.

Can you suggest at your 20 week scan the scenographer writes it down for you so H doesn't know?

Tricky! If you do get desperate you could play the 'I'm the pregnant one with cankles' card. He might cave as he sympathises with the pain of cankles.

Ragwort · 19/01/2016 20:46

Congratulations, you say you've been trying for a baby for years, so does it really matter if it is a girl or a boy? I would seriously urge you not to find out - it will be so hard to keep it secret from your DH - you must both be so happy to be having a baby, enjoy that together rather than having a secret from your DH.

We didn't find out what we were having - it was wonderful to have a lovely surprise. .

Finallyonboard · 19/01/2016 20:46

I would do it! Finding out the gender was one of the happiest moments of my life! I sailed through the pregnancy on a cloud of happiness after finding out by imagining our future together. The reality has lived up to the fantasy - most amazing DD ever

Luckystar1 · 19/01/2016 20:47

Someone I know has done this. She has actually let it slip to his friends... So lots of people know and he doesn't. I don't think it's fair tbh, how can you really discuss things like names etc impartially?!

It's not like you're never going to find out, it was wonderful finding out at DS' birth. Honestly, out of all the muddle of labour, it's a moment I truly remember.

Ragwort · 19/01/2016 20:47

And if you find out you are not going to be able to take the 'choosing the names' discussions very seriously if you KNOW what you are having or plan the nursery colours, or even choose clothes/toys etc. - so your DH is bound to find out that you know.

QuietWhenReading · 19/01/2016 20:48

Look at it this way, you are about to start being joint parents with your DH, years and years of occasions where you will have to come to an agreement about what you will do.

This is just the first of many. Do you want one of your first parenting decisions to end in deceit?

SexDrugsAndSausageRoll · 19/01/2016 20:49

I'd do it, but say I was doing it with the option of him coming or promising not to tell him. Wouldn't lie, but I loved finding out. Helped me bond and stopped at least 50% of the rows about naming them

NeedsAsockamnesty · 19/01/2016 20:51

He can want a surprise for him but he does not get to choose for you, you get to choose for you but not for him.

So if you can keep stum about it then go for it

maggiethemagpie · 19/01/2016 20:53

I knew someone who did this (the other way round) husband wanted to know she didn't so sonographer told him and he kept it secret. I don't think I'd be able to keep it secret myself. Does your partner know of your plans to go alone? Is he ok with that?

If you really cant decide between you I'd be tempted to toss a coin and whoever wins gets to decide whether you both find out or not. That way yo are both on the same page.

SalemSaberhagen · 19/01/2016 20:54

I don't think I could, I'd feel too guilty. I get you on the wanting to know bit though, I was desperate to find out never have liked surprises

As an aside, waiting for the first person to come in and chastise you for using the phrase 'gender'. I predict by end of the page!

Sandbrook · 19/01/2016 20:54

Found out on all of mine. Couldn't wait and would have done so alone if DH hadn't been so laid back about it.
For me, seeing their face for the 1st time is the best part of labour.

CoffeeCoffeeAndLotsOfIt · 19/01/2016 20:56

Maybe maggiethemagpie knows me - as my husband found out at our 20 week scan, but I chose not to. He kept it a secret from everyone inc me.

rosewithoutthorns · 19/01/2016 20:58

Its your baby, do what you like.

RonniePickering · 19/01/2016 20:59

Congratulations

I think it's a bit mean to do it without his knowledge, and would you be able to keep it to yourself?

hopelesslydevotedtoGu · 19/01/2016 21:00

I definitely wouldn't lie- bad start to joint parenting- but your DH doesn't get to decide for you. I would explain to DH that you want to know, but you won't tell anyone if he still doesn't want to know. I loved knowing the gender- we gave your bump a name and talked and imagined a lot, having more info helped us build up a picture more.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 19/01/2016 21:03

Fwiw I don't mean lie to him about going I just mean if he doesn't want to know the results don't tell him

BooAvenue · 19/01/2016 21:05

I don't think you should keep a secret like that from your husband no.

That being said it rather grates on me the amount of people who come on these threads to gush about how magical and wonderful it is to have a surprise. I can honestly say when I had DD I was still bloody thrilled and it was still a magical and wonderful experience despite knowing she was a girl.

I didn't find out with DS and it wasn't any more magical or special just because DH was able to say "it's a boy". Still amazing though!

Each to their own but I don't think one particular way is superior to the other.

NHKX2 · 19/01/2016 21:06

When we found out we were having a girl, and I tried to keep it secret for just five freaking minutes into a phone call to tell my parents (I was trying to drag out the suspense), I slipped and said "she". You will struggle to keep it a secret, even if you have told him you're finding out on your own. Try to come to an agreement and find out/don't find out together. Does he know how badly you want to find out? I agree with previous posters that his wishes don't automatically trump yours.

Woobeedoo · 19/01/2016 21:07

My OH wanted a surprise yet I wanted to know and he knew I wanted (and had) to know.

Prior to setting off for the scan I got a blank postcard and wrote "boy" "girl" "image unclear" "percentage certainty". I put this in an unsealed envelope and when we went in together for the scan, told the sonography "he wants a surprise, I want to know so if you could kindly fill this in then I can open it in my own time".

When it came to the sexing part, the sonographer had a rummage around and then said "Nope, sorry - baby not co-operating today". OH thought this was the best news ever and I was pretty miffed. Until the sonographer handed me the envelope hidden in my notes and gave me a small wink I realised she'd had me fooled.

I kept the surprise of "boy - 99% certainty" - even refusing to tell my OH when I was actually giving birth (much to the amusement of the midwife my "No, I'm nearly finished - wait until then!" comment made her chuckle).

Throughout the pregnancy people kept asking me if I knew, I just told them that "baby had their legs crossed so we couldn't see anything".

This will be the biggest surprise your OH will ever have, there will be no way you'll want to spoil it for him. It just means you need to always refer to the baby as 'baby' and not s/he, and when choosing baby names, pick a good name for the sex you aren't having as just going "yeah, that'll do" for a name you know won't be used is a huge giveaway!

minipie · 19/01/2016 21:07

You're entitled to find out, he's entitled to not find out.

So go ahead, but don't "let it slip" - you'll have to do some good acting during name conversations.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 19/01/2016 21:09

If he knows you're doing it then fine - bit weird but fine. But don't do it in secret!

It's sex by the way, not gender.

Copperkettle · 19/01/2016 21:13

Ha I was coming on to see if anyone had written something about it being sex but gender. I knew they would have.

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