To find out the gender of our baby in secret?

[Kimcan]

First baby after trying for years. Beyond excited and obsessed with this baby already. I'm 15 weeks.

DH wants a surprise. I want to know. Would I be U to go to a private clinic on my own to find out the gender? Desperate to know. Thinking of doing it next week when I'm 16 weeks.

Yeah I do it a lot
I know people think that makes me a prick but I don't care

Of course you should find out if you want to know but don't do it behind his back.

If he doesn't want to know that's his choice and it's your choice to know if that's what you want.

As pp said his wishes don't over ride yours.

I was think that about gender Salem; nothing so far:)

Love your user name btw.

Same here copper. I thought 'uh-oh I know what's going to happen here'. Took a bit longer than normal though.

OP I would find out if I were you but only if you can be sure you won't blurt it out or refer to it.

Worried about you wanting to go behind your DH's back about this.
I know that it is very unlikely but what if you had a secret scan and they discovered that something wasn't right with the baby, how would explain things to him then.
Can't you get the sonographer to write it down (as other people have said)
Also it is not 100% accurate! I know of 2 occasions where sonographer got it wrong, but in both cases they hadn't given a high possibility of it being correct.
I loved waiting to find out until the birth, my grandmother told me very firmly that even if I found out the sex beforehand I wasn't allowed to tell her as at her age she liked having things to look forward to.
I also know how annoyed I was with one of my DC when my husband found out just before I did. Short doctor, large baby and the screen at the Caesarian was too high for her to lift him up enough for me to see at the same time as DH. I could tell from his reaction that he was right that it was a boy

We found out the sex of DC2 & DC3. I bought first size clothes in neutral colours for DC1 although seemed to just know he was a boy. The midwife in the delivery room asked me if I knew what sex I was having so that she could get the 'right' coloured blanket & name card out - I said not officially, but it was definitely a boy. She said "oh whenever someone says that it's always the opposite" and prepared pink things. She was wrong .

With DC2 I wanted to know because, as DC1 is a boy I had only boys' clothing, cot bedding etc. (apart from the few neutral things I bought for DS1). I wanted to know whether that would suffice or whether to put it all on eBay & buy girls' clothes. By the time DC3 was on the way (after a 10 year gap), the clothing wasn't an issue as I'd long since got rid of all of DS2's baby things (I wasn't going to have any more babies) but the boys wanted to know whether they were getting a brother or a sister. As DS1 has ASD, we thought it might help him to prepare mentally if he knew which he was talking about.

If I ever had another (DH's vasectomy would need to spontaneously reverse so unlikely) I wouldn't find out. I love the idea of finding out the sex at the delivery, although that's not what we did two out of three times ourselves.

In your shoes, I think you & DH need to agree whether you ask or not.

Finding out was the best thing I ever did. It turned a good day into an awesome day. She could have said it was a kitten and I'd have cried. It changed things straight away and made the second half of my pregnancy so much more special and exciting. I felt like I could bond with her even more and just felt more connected to her, I know it sounds pretty corny. I got to dream about future plans, buy gorgeous little outfits and have a pink themed baby shower. I hated the idea of sticking to gender neutral colours for presents or the nursery when it wasn't to my taste. (Or having to wait to buy everything when baby arrived!) I definitely made the decision quite selfishly because it was my body that was being annihilated and lucky for me dh was happy with whatever made me happy, however my mil said she didn't want to know. I basically said sorry but I'm not going to great lengths of watching what I say around certain people because I will slip up and anyway it's my baby not yours! They've had their time, now it's mine. :) Pregnancy made me quite selfish for a while, what can I say.

As for your dh op I think it would be best to be up front about it in case of a slip up. I like woobeedoo's story. Would you be able to do that and stay schtum? It would be tricky! Or maybe you could discuss with him all the advantages of finding out? I hope you can come to some kind of happy compromise.

I used to say to my mum that 'it will be a surprise whenever we find out. Only now we can go shopping' 👍

Won't it be difficult discussing names if one of you knows half of them won't be needed? It will feel odd,I think.

Blah blah blah find out and just tell him.

you are carrying and going through labour.

He can get over himself.

Remember the exquisite joy of finding having a dd after 2 lads.

Good luck op.

Love your story Woobeedoo. Very clever!

why does your dh get to be the one to choose whether its a surprise or not?

Tricky, but I think its a bit unfair for your OH to not let you find out if you really want to. My OH would find out with me if he knew how happy it would make me.

Do it.

Not all births are lovely and romantic and have that "it's a boy/girl!" moment.

Is it ever really a 'surprise'? It's either going to be one or the other!

There are so many other variables that genuinely are a surprise when a baby is born - weight, hair colour, eye colour, temperament, who it looks like - that IMO finding out the sex doesn't ruin anything.

I'm on the find out if you must, dont lie to him though

I think its easier to find out

I think going behind anyone's back in a relationship isn't on tbh. We didn't find out and I have to say that little "surprise" was just the icing on the cake! Tbh women get to carry the baby which is a blessing imo and allows us to have a different kind of bond. We choose what to feed the baby by what we eat etc for example so I think it would be nice for him to have the say on this one.

I would see if they can tell you and not him.
Just be very careful about saying he/she and hide any gendered clothes you buy.

I think that would be hard, but possible. My BF didn't want to know the sex but her DH did. At the 20 week scan the sonographer told him and not her. He kept it a secret perfectly - I spoke to her the day before her DD was born and she was convinced it was a boy!

You're the one carrying this baby.
You're the one who'll give birth to it. You're the one who will find out its gender all groggy and disorientated (like my friend) if you need a GA for a c section.
You're the one (most likely) to do the donkey work of the care and also the one (statistically) left bringing it up most of the time if the relationship fails.
You have the final say IMO, but don't find out in secret.

Oh I'd definitely find out if I wanted to know. Just don't tell your OH if he wants it to be a surprise.

In fact, I did do precisely that.

I was kind of sneaky in that I didn't tell him I knew until we had decided baby names. He got to pick a female name, and I got to pick the male name. And we were having a boy.

I knew he'd think it was funny - so it wasn't that big a deal :)

I think if you find out you need to be honest about your intentions to do so.
As Biggerbang said, the chances are small, but people find out devastating news at scans everyday. If they gave you bad news at your secret scan, you would need the support of your partner, but just imagine it from his side, being given bad news about his child, but also he'd be learning that the woman he loves and trusts has gone behind his back and done something like this in secret and essentially lied.

Saying that, with dd2 I was desperate for a surprise and DH wanted to know. In the end we chose to find out. When we did I was as equally excited and it gave me the remainder of my pregnancy being able to imagine the little girl growing inside of me. Sadly dd2 was stillborn at full term +5 and I was so glad we found out. I had all of that time knowing a little bit more about her, and bonding with our daughter. I imagine that if we hadn't found out, we would have had so many more 'what ifs' when she would have been born.

I knew accidentally my DC was going to be a boy, as I read upside-down on the doctor's notes when having an amnio. DH didn't want to know, so I never breathed a word. Had a DS and 2 DDs already. Had to feign interest when discussing girls' names haha

I was miffed though when at a subsequent scan, my MIL was with me and pretended to have forgotten something in the room and went back in to ask the doc the sex. She then told her sister it was a boy so the Doc must have spilled the beans. I swore them both to secrecy. This was not in the UK, I didn't complain but should have done. Very unprofessional.

I cried a lot when I knew it was a boy (don't know why, a bonding thing I think! Had to tell DH it was just relief that the BABY was ok.)
So - wait a bit, OP, and see how you feel, or just do it, if you can keep it an absolute secret. Pretend even to yourself that you don't know.

I think you need to decide what you are going to do between you rather than one finding out, you'd only end up spoiling it for him by accident anyway.

Fwiw, I had my baby 3 weeks ago and it was wonderful finding out at the birth and seeing for ourselves rather than just having it trotted out by some bored sonographer along with head circumference and femur length. It also meant my mother couldn't stock pile pink, frilly tat she's making up for it now though
It just feels a bit like no one has any patience anymore. By the time baby is born most people know the gender, have seen its face at the 4D scan, have told everyone the name. It's like opening your presents before Christmas IMO.

The only reason I didn't find out with DD1 was because the hospital where we then lived had a policy of not disclosing the sex at the scan.

When DD2 and DD3 were born we lived in a different area and the hospital had no such policy. I wanted to know so I asked.

DH had originally said wihen going for the scan with DD2 that he would not want to know until the birth so he planned to leave the room. In the end curiosity got the better of him though, and he stayed to hear.

It is no surprise really. You know it will be one or the other.

Don't go behind his back. Find out if you want to but give him the option to not be told.

I found out with dc4 and didn't tell a soul!

I'd never found out before, I was having lots of growth scans and do didn't come to them all so at about 28 weeks I asked the sonographer but not to record it anywhere that I knew.
I found out because in all honesty I has a small preference for a boy. Obviously a healthy baby was the most important thing. I already has dd10, dd5 ds9months and I thought it would be lovely for ds to have a brother to grow up with as they would be so close in age. I'd was already convinced myself it was a boy as my pregnancy was very similar to ds1. I didn't won't to feel even an ounce of disappointment if I had a girl so I decided to find out so I could get used to the idea if it was a girl. She would have been adored I just had to adjust my way of thinking.

I wouldn't go behind his back. It will be incredibly hard keeping it secret.

With our first dh wanted to know but I didn't and he respected that knowing he wouldn't be able to keep it from me. I loved finding out when dd was born.

With our second I asked what we were having as we both wanted to know. Dh couldn't get time off work and I phoned him straight away, I intended to tell him when he came home but couldn't keep it to myself even for an hour.

You're going to be parents and have many difficult decisions and discussions ahead, surely you can have a discussion about this and come to an agreement.

The wishes of one partner shouldn't trump those of another, however, if he really doesn't want to know it's not fair to force him to find out as it's almost guaranteed that you'll let it slip one way or another. I'd have been really upset with my dh if he'd gone behind my back and found out what we were having with our first. I'd have found it very hard to trust him again tbh.

He's free to elect to remain in ignorance until the birth and you are free to find out! I wouldn't suggest keeping the fact that you know the sex secret, just let him know that you intend to be informed, and you won't divulge if he doesn't want you to.

When I was pregnant I underwent invasive and horrid genetic testing, and although originally I had wanted not to know sex, by the time I received the genetic test results I was very happy to find out with certainty.

It was the one piece of information where there was no sad outcome either way.