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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To find out the gender of our baby in secret?

67 replies

Kimcan · 19/01/2016 20:40

First baby after trying for years. Beyond excited and obsessed with this baby already. I'm 15 weeks.

DH wants a surprise. I want to know. Would I be U to go to a private clinic on my own to find out the gender? Desperate to know. Thinking of doing it next week when I'm 16 weeks.

OP posts:

lazyarse123 · 20/01/2016 17:40

Buttwing what did you have? I also wouldn't go behind his back.I know someone who was told she was having a boy, but they got it wrong and she was devastated and did not bond for weeks. Which i think was a bit of a pathetic overreaction. Just love it whatever you get.

Youremywifenow · 20/01/2016 17:55

My DP knows the sex and I don't. I left the room so she could tell him. He's kept it secret for 10 weeks so far. We both found out last time, I knew it was a boy anyway.
I'm having an elective section so want to keep some element of surprise, think this one is a girl.

nancyclancy123 · 20/01/2016 18:07

I found out the sex of our 4th baby. I didn't have a preference, just couldn't wait. Dh didn't want to know, so at the 20 week scan after all the important bits were done, he left the room.
We told everyone that we hadn't found out the sex. It was fun being the only one that knew for about 24 hours, then after that it wasn't so exciting. Dh really didn't want to know and I couldn't share it with anyone else because I didn't want anyone knowing before dh. If I could go back in time, I would wait to find out at the birth.

Only1scoop · 20/01/2016 18:09

I wouldn't go behind his back.

But if you want to find out then go for it.

Buttwing · 20/01/2016 18:15

Lazy I had a boy.

As I said I would have been happy whatever I had as long as it was healthy. I just felt I had to know either way. I told dp afterwards and he was fine about it when I explained why.

SoupDragon · 20/01/2016 18:17

You're the one carrying this baby....

I completely disagree with this attitude. In fact I find it quite sickening. The mother gets to make the final decisions about treatment in pregnancy and the birth. Other than that, both parents are equal IMO.

sparechange · 20/01/2016 18:20

I found out when DH didn't want to by having a Harmony test. He knew I knew and lasted about a week before wanting to know.

If you are the sort of person who likes surprises, then waiting til the birth is lovely.
If you are someone that hates surprises (and I HATE them), then waiting is torture.

Cleensheetsandbedding · 20/01/2016 18:25

I HATE surprises!

Go find out but tell him your doing it.

BlackeyedShepherdsbringsheep · 20/01/2016 18:44

tell him you want to find out and he can leave the room during the scan at that point.

Luckystar1 · 20/01/2016 19:00

Completely agree with soupdragon

CPtart · 20/01/2016 19:02

Both parents don't seem to take on equal responsibility for childcare when relationships fail though. That's what I find sickening.

Luckystar1 · 20/01/2016 19:10

CP - that's a generalisation. Sometimes true but not always. When considering childcare post separation the child's needs are paramount, so causing as little disruption as possible, which often means the child will spend more time with their primary carer, this is especially true of school aged children.

In any event, that has nothing to do with the question at hand.

notquitehuman · 20/01/2016 19:45

If you're that desperate to find out then I'd be honest with DH. "I'm going for a private scan on X date to find out the gender. You can come if you want or I can keep it a secret if you want a surprise." I'm guessing that if you find out, he will soon want to find out too.

I've never regretted finding out the sex. I enjoyed knowing I had a son on the way, and felt I could bond better with my bump. It made it all seem more real! However, it really is a personal choice.

Notso · 20/01/2016 20:12

I agree with SoupDragon too.

I would never find out, the idea of it creeps me out completely but I have good reason for this. I think if one does want to know and one doesn't then you should wait. You'll both find out at the birth anyway, it's not a case of now or never.

ImogenTubbs · 20/01/2016 21:09

Congratulations! Don't go behind your DH's back - having a baby is a testing time for any relationship and you'll want to feel like you can be honest and trusting with each other. Tell him how you feel and how important it is to you, but at the end of the day, one of you is going to have to compromise and find a way to be ok with that. Hope you can talk him round!

sandylion · 20/01/2016 21:41

Don't do it! The moment of finding out the sex made the agonising pain of labour (and I had a great birth) totally worth it. It wasn't quite the same the second time round when I found out the sex.

sparechange · 20/01/2016 22:00

I would never find out, the idea of it creeps me out completely
Which is fine, you are someone who likes surprises.
But if you aren't, as the OP appears to be, then you won't be 'creeped out' but the idea. You may be totally creeped out by not knowing

An awful lot of people on this thread not actually answering the question and instead saying 'this is what worked for me so will automatically be right for you'

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