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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Stop calling me mummy!

76 replies

TruJay · 19/01/2016 20:21

A family member calls me mummy and I don't mean in the normal way of saying to dc "let's find mummy" or "shall we go ask mummy if she would like a drink" as obviously that's who dc know me as so it's perfectly reasonable, nope, she does it ALL THE TIME.

When I arrive at hers she'll say "hello mummy" or "mummy, would you like a cup of tea?" It's slowly driving me insane!

I had a really stressful time just before, during Christmas and into new year and part of the reason was me feeling as though I had lost my identity and doing literally nothing for myself but everything for everyone else. I went to the doctors and it turns out I had some pretty serious deficiencies and now have medication and am feeling bloody great! So although the doc said the deficiencies accounted a lot towards my low mood and exhaustion he too agreed, after talking it through I had a hell of a lot on my plate.

I have started to say "no" to other people and standing up for myself more. I have lessened my responsibilities and stopped allowing people to depend on me so wholly when they do absolutely nothing to help me in return. This has not gone down well with some people but I've had to do it for my metal wellbeing.

I have finally grabbed the bull by the horns and enrolled on a course leading to a degree to get me into my dream career and I'm really enjoying it. My eldest is at school and I've put my youngest into childcare, she's really settled well and is really happy. I feel like I am doing something that is just for me and my brain feels engaged, I feel reborn if you will and its a giant breath of fresh air for me!
Since being on my course and having my name used, this issue is becoming more apparent.

Sorry went off on a bit of a tangent there, just wanted to give some background.
Now it's just this one problem I don't know how to tackle. I find it really rude and quite patronising. I am not this persons mother, my view is only my children should call me mummy. My DH doesn't spend all day saying "what would mummy like for tea?" "Mummy, what shall we watch on telly?" "So mummy shall we call it a night?" So I don't know why this person does it.

Other family members are starting to follow suit which I do not want.
I can't remember exactly when it started but it's been a while and at first I just found it strange but thought it would pass but it's just gotten worse.

All my friends with children say it's weird and understand me taking it as a put down.

So my aibu is am I overreacting to this? Would you find it acceptable? And what would you do to combat it?

My main thought is to scream "if I didn't squeeze you through my vagina please don't call me mummy! I have a name, use it!!"

OP posts:
TruJay · 19/01/2016 21:29

goddess it's not so much that I lost everything to mummyhood, it's more that with everyone constantly wanting me, my help, my advice, my shoulder to cry on, me to offload all their problems on, It's been so draining and now I'm like "I'm a person too, I have my own problems to deal with and my own to do list". I've had so much responsibility since childhood and now I've just got to the stage of not being able to take anymore.

My children obviously need me and require me all the time and that's fine but another person calling me mummy when that's what I hear all day is just too much.

OP posts:
Wotshudwehave4T · 19/01/2016 21:30

How about calling MIL Mummy also, she is DHs mum? Then surely if you are both calling each other mummy, she will realise how ridiculous and annoying it is. You could try responding to BIL calling him little boy in a tinkly voice and see how he likes it?

TruJay · 19/01/2016 21:33

I thinks it's just going to be a case of next time we're together and she does it, I'll just have to muster up the courage and politely yet firmly ask her to stop! I'm not in the wrong so I should be able to do it.

I love my name too Smile I just want it used.

OP posts:
TruJay · 19/01/2016 21:33

Thank you for all your helpful advice everyone.

OP posts:
Ilovetorrentialrain · 19/01/2016 21:34

Ah OP I didn't see the update where you said this was your MIL. I can see now why you can't use your brilliant one liner, it's not appropriate. Looks great written down but realistically I couldn't say that to an older relative either.

Can I ask, does your MIL call you 'mummy' if it's just the two of you, or just of the children are present?

PuntasticUsername · 19/01/2016 21:35

"She's not happy that I've started studying, saying I can't do it etc it's too much all at once, I should stay home with kids another few years.".

So it's a deliberate (on some level) comment on the way you're choosing to live your life? Yeah...she's way out of line, then. As I said, it's possible that she means well and she's trying to bolster you up as a mum, show that she thinks you're a good one, etc.thatbeing a mum is enough in life etc. But she's on the wrong track, sadly, and I think you're quite within your rights to tell her to stop.

TruJay · 19/01/2016 21:36

ilove even when it's just the two of us.

She's 50 so not elderly but I still couldn't say that to her out of respect really. I'm 27.

OP posts:
LittleCandle · 19/01/2016 21:38

I once had a doctor in the hospital address me as mum when DD1 was in. I was pretty seriously ill myself, with a hospital admission hanging over my head, then DH (now XH) was out of the country and I wouldn't have trusted DF to look after DD2 if I had been admitted. So, being out of sorts and particularly pissed off at a student doctor who directed all her questions through a nurse (and the student was in her 30s at least!) my temper was somewhat short. I rounded on said patronising git doctor and snapped, "If I was your mother you wouldn't be so rude!"

Oddly enough, he never called me mum again and always addressed me as Mrs Candle. Tell your MIL straight and get your DP to tell her as well. If not, I would show her the door and say she was no longer welcome. BIL would get the same treatment.

TruJay · 19/01/2016 21:40

puntastic she's never been happy about the way DH and I have chosen to do things in life and has never been quiet about it. We've had some stonking arguments and disagreements. DH is the black sheep of the family. I feel like she's always wanted our relationship to fail.
Things are sooo much better now but it's been hard getting here.

OP posts:
LordOfMisrule · 19/01/2016 21:44

Let me guess, this is MIL?

cleanandclothed · 19/01/2016 21:47

My MIL does this, but to everyone rather than just me, so DH is Daddy, her DH is Granpa etc. but I don't like it so I just say, politely but consistently, with a smile 'my name is clean' and then answer the question. And she doesn't do it nearly as much now, so it has worked!

looki · 19/01/2016 21:52

I am somewhat relieved to read this as my sister calls me 'mum' since I had DD and it drives me INSANE. I've asked her not to do it (she is my sister, I can be direct) and in response she looks at me as if I'm being very difficult and continues doing it. I have tried ignoring it but as its usually a statement rather than a question, I'm not sure she even notices if I ignore her.

I guess I could call her 'aunt' and see what she makes of it but it is so bloody frustrating when I have repeatedly asked her not to call me 'mum'.

TruJay · 19/01/2016 22:00

candle you're right I just need to bite the bullet! Next time she does it, I'll state my position on the matter! Hopefully it goes well.

lord yes it's mil

OP posts:
TruJay · 19/01/2016 22:05

looki it's amazing how much is grates on you but it's drives me mad!

OP posts:
DoreenLethal · 19/01/2016 22:18

'Hi mummy'
'Hi granny'
'How are you today mummy'
'Great granny'
'Why are you calling me granny?'
'Why are you caling me mummy?
'Erm'...

Just reflect it back at her each time. It will soon piss her off.

looki · 19/01/2016 22:23

Tru I could handle a nickname (although admittedly she calls me a nickname that I do not like) but I think the 'mum' nonsense is because it isn't even an actual name. Its a word, a description. I know some 'occupations' call themselves 'chef' etc but personally I wouldn't call a teacher 'teacher' or a shop assistant 'shopkeeper' etc. While it isn't rude as such, it is impersonal.

WicksEnd · 20/01/2016 00:17

Wear a name badge next time you meet her and when she asks why you're wearing it, tell her it's because she keeps forgetting your name. Smile

TruJay · 20/01/2016 08:26

doreen that's really good, made me laugh.

looki funnily enough she is a teacher and last night I did think of addressing her as such and when she questioned it I thought of saying "oh, I just thought that's what me and you did?!"

wicks haha I like it.

I will probably be seeing her again Thursday/Friday evening where I can 100% guarantee the first question will be "so mummy, what have you done at college today?" I will update as to whether I have grown the balls to use all of your wonderful ideas.

Wish me luck!

OP posts:
Ilovetorrentialrain · 20/01/2016 08:45

Good luck TruJay!

Hihohoho1 · 20/01/2016 08:59

Oh op this would drive me insane.

Really I would be direct and tell them straight.

Pehaps cut down on seeing them so much too if they are that critical of your lifestyle. Don't see them without the kids.

Tell your dh to back you up.

And all guessing it's your mil posts er I am a mil and don't go this!!

2rebecca · 20/01/2016 09:07

I think saying to a small child "shall we look for mummy" is fine. Addressing you as mummy in a normal conversation isn't.
I'd just pick her up on it next time she does it, remind he you are her DIL not her mummy and she didn't go round calling you DIL before you were a mother so why mummy now? Ask her to revert to using your name again.
See her less as well if she's so annoying

GinSolvesEverything · 20/01/2016 09:17

Oh yes, I know this one well. In fact I'm fairly certain I've posted this exact thread before!

MIL seems to think my name is now mummy, because I can't possibly have my own identity now I have spawned children. I've bitched to DH about it before and he didn't seem to think it was a big deal. He changed his mind fairly quickly though when I pointed out it would be like my mum calling him daddy!

If it's in context with the kids then I don't really mind too much. If she's addressing me alone, then it's fucking weird. I normally ignore her the first time she speaks, but will answer the second time.

We don't see them that often so I generally just have to suck it up.

Rachel0Greep · 20/01/2016 09:18

I think, from what you have said, that the more she thinks it gets to you, the more she will do it.
So, if possible, next time, answer her and call her granny, as though it's all sooooo hilarious.
'So what did you do today mummy'
'Oh lots of things granny' followed by fake smile, and laughter. And repeat, EVERY time. As for BIL, start replying with uncle, instead of his name. More fake smiling and laughter.

Brew.

ZacharyQuack · 20/01/2016 09:29

looki call her "aunt" but pronounce it to rhyme with "cunt".

Stormtreader · 20/01/2016 09:38

She's not happy that I've started studying, saying I can't do it etc it's too much all at once, I should stay home with kids another few years.

She thinks "mummy" is all you should be, and shes trying to force you back into that role by "reminding" you of your place.

Shame that theres no convienient term you could use in return for something you think she should do that she isnt: "Hello jobseeker!"

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