Stop calling me mummy!

[TruJay]

A family member calls me mummy and I don't mean in the normal way of saying to dc "let's find mummy" or "shall we go ask mummy if she would like a drink" as obviously that's who dc know me as so it's perfectly reasonable, nope, she does it ALL THE TIME.

When I arrive at hers she'll say "hello mummy" or "mummy, would you like a cup of tea?" It's slowly driving me insane!

I had a really stressful time just before, during Christmas and into new year and part of the reason was me feeling as though I had lost my identity and doing literally nothing for myself but everything for everyone else. I went to the doctors and it turns out I had some pretty serious deficiencies and now have medication and am feeling bloody great! So although the doc said the deficiencies accounted a lot towards my low mood and exhaustion he too agreed, after talking it through I had a hell of a lot on my plate.

I have started to say "no" to other people and standing up for myself more. I have lessened my responsibilities and stopped allowing people to depend on me so wholly when they do absolutely nothing to help me in return. This has not gone down well with some people but I've had to do it for my metal wellbeing.

I have finally grabbed the bull by the horns and enrolled on a course leading to a degree to get me into my dream career and I'm really enjoying it. My eldest is at school and I've put my youngest into childcare, she's really settled well and is really happy. I feel like I am doing something that is just for me and my brain feels engaged, I feel reborn if you will and its a giant breath of fresh air for me!
Since being on my course and having my name used, this issue is becoming more apparent.

Sorry went off on a bit of a tangent there, just wanted to give some background.
Now it's just this one problem I don't know how to tackle. I find it really rude and quite patronising. I am not this persons mother, my view is only my children should call me mummy. My DH doesn't spend all day saying "what would mummy like for tea?" "Mummy, what shall we watch on telly?" "So mummy shall we call it a night?" So I don't know why this person does it.

Other family members are starting to follow suit which I do not want.
I can't remember exactly when it started but it's been a while and at first I just found it strange but thought it would pass but it's just gotten worse.

All my friends with children say it's weird and understand me taking it as a put down.

So my aibu is am I overreacting to this? Would you find it acceptable? And what would you do to combat it?

My main thought is to scream "if I didn't squeeze you through my vagina please don't call me mummy! I have a name, use it!!"

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

She's trying to keep you in your place, isn't she. How very dare you become someone other than her grandchild's mummy again - how dare you!

I agree that you need to find a way to counter it - the nametag is PA but good, and calling her granny and the BIL uncle just as PA and good.

What do you usually call her to her face? Do you use her name? Maybe you should call her "Motherinlaw" (she might not like that, who knows)

[Krampus]

That would drive me nuts and make me feel nauseous.

I couldn't stand it when I was referred to as "Mum" by health professionals whilst I was pregnant or had a young baby. It used to grate but I would le it go because I could understand why. If you're weighing 30 babies that morning you can't keep tabs of everyones name

A family member continously calling me Mummy? No, just no. Unles it's my children of course

[ZadokTheBeastie]

My own mother does this, OP. Just makes me want to scream. I"M NOT YOUR FUCKING MOTHER!! She does it to my husband too, calls him 'Daddy'. It's just bloody weird and infuriating. She even says to me things like 'When's daddy home' WHOSE fucking Daddy? Mine? I don't know, you'd have to ask him. She also speaks FOR my DC. But that backfired on her slightly when my DH came home one day and she announced to him 'I've had a poo, daddy'. My DH completely deadpan said 'Have you Claire? That's nice'.

I don;t know how to stop it. My tactic is making out like I don;t understand who she's talking about. And just being blunt about it. Makes me feel like a bit of a bitch, but I just can't stand it. I share your pain.

[JugglingFromHereToThere]

Hi Jay, If you think one of the first questions will be about college maybe you can use that as part of your attack approach?

So .... "How was college Mummy?"

"It was great - lovely to meet some new people and great to do something just for me IYSWIM rather than just being DC's Mummy. I'm finding XYZ so interesting too"

Then, if needed (as it probably will be) something like "And it would be great if you could call me by my name like you used to do (I presume?) before I had DC - it's important to me to keep my own sense of identity too"

[TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams]

My name is Trujay? I think you'll find that I don't answer to "Mummy" unless I gave birth to you.

If your baby is still young though you have a few months where you can have the screaming abdabs and still get away with putting it down to hormones later

[shovetheholly]

Why not ask her why she does it? In a really neutral way - 'Can I ask you a question - why do you call me 'Mummy' even when the kids aren't around?'

There may be an innocent/sweet explanation that makes you feel better, e.g. she's read something and is trying to be very clear about roles. (I'm thinking of the threads on here where someone's MIL calls themselves 'Mummy' to the DC, understandably upsetting their actual mother, their DIL).

And whatever the answer, you can still go on firmly to say 'I'd rather you called me TruJay. I'm mummy to the kids, but I'd like to be TruJay to you, because I'd like to think that our relationship goes beyond simply being relatives and that we are friends as well as family'. That way it makes it really difficult for them to say no.

[2rebecca]

Agree with shovetheholly make it clear you prefer being called by your name and correct her each time she says mummy. She may not realise it's pissing you off.
If after telling her she continues then a "I'm a bit puzzled as to what's going on here, I've asked you to call me by your name but you insist on calling me mummy although I'm obviously not your mummy. Why is this?" Sounds a bit therapy speak but making clear to people that their behaviour is irritating and disfunctional can stop them.
If she then continues she's made it clear she's not your friend and cares nothing for your opinions so you feed that back to her and see less of her.
Ignoring irritating behaviour is rarely a good move.

[goodnightdarthvader1]

My mum does similar, I'm currently pregnant. "How's my baby?"

"Um, are you talking about me or the baby I"m carrying?"

Repeating that each time has gradually knocked it on the head.

[TruJay]

storm I totally read that in a 'league of gentlemen' voice haha
I agree with you and thumb that she doesn't want me bettering myself. DH and I have accomplished a lot and although she sometimes seems happy and can be so nice, it only lasts a while until she has to be nasty again.

And thumb yes I use her name, as every normal person should do, unless of course it's to dc and they'll ask "can I have an apple?" and I'll say, if we're at her house "oh go ask grandma for one then" as that's who she is to them. Of course if I was asking I'd say "mil, can I get an apple?" I wouldn't say "grandma, can u have an apple?" because it's bloody stupid silly.

Exactly krampus it's just gone too far now.

zadok that must've really put it into perspective for her.

juggling totally get what you're saying, I just don't want to be too delicate and in a way, confirm that she's making me feel down about it if that makes sense. If she's wanting to put me down, I'd feel like I was letting her succeed in thinking I felt shit about the situation.

tread I think that's a good way to go, polite and cheery but still getting my point across. DD is 2 so can't really blame hormones anymore I don't think?

shove that's a good point, I genuinely would like to know as she never did it before! The only genuine reason I could think she'd be doing it is due to dd's speech delay, she has never said mummy, maybe she is trying to reinforce that clutching at straws

rebecca yes effectively I'm just letting her get away with it as when it happens I'm just rolling my eyes and giving death stares to DH when really I should just aim it at her and resolve the situation.

goodnight that would be very irritating. Good on you for nipping it in the bud immediately like I should have

[TruJay]

*can I

[looki]

She also speaks FOR my DC. But that backfired on her slightly when my DH came home one day and she announced to him 'I've had a poo, daddy'. My DH completely deadpan said 'Have you Claire? That's nice'.

Oh that made me splutter my tea all over the keyboard laughing.

My sister is a health professional, I wonder is that why she calls me mum (on second thioughts she doesn't work in a maternity hospital so probably not).

My name is Trujay? I think you'll find that I don't answer to "Mummy" unless I gave birth to you.

I can use this one as its my sister (obviously I will say Looki and not Trujay as that would be really weird).

Harder when its a MIL, I tend to avoid mine a bit which makes for a much easier relationship .

[Hihohoho1]

Thinking about this I seem to remember my dh calling me mummy when ds1 was born 26 years ago.

However obviously it's far easier to call your dh a demented twat than a mil.

Our dil is due soon so will remind the twat not to repeat his mistake with her.

[2rebecca]

Some elderly people seem to keep calling each other mum and dad long after the children have left home. In my experience that's a generational thing (usually 70 plus) and a low education thing. It still seems weird though to be fucking someone you call mum!

[Nodowntime]

TruJay,

How bizarre, I've never heard of anything like it, but obviously it's not that uncommon and hopefully all the MILs DMs DSis etc reading this thread who might have an inclination to call a member of the family 'Mummy' would think better of it!

Anyway, you need to go to one of those T-shirt printing places, and get yourself a T-shirt with a nice and clear message, there is a wealth of possibilities both for front and back:

I'm not your mummy

Don't call me mummy

My name is TruJay



And so on, this is off the top of my head, I'm sure MNetters can come up with something

Wear a black one with writing in white, so she can't miss it


It's only a jokey suggestion but at the same time, you might to give it a go.

Actually I like the idea of 'I'm not your mummy' as a high street fashion item in general, I think it'd be popular! :)

[Ambroxide]

I have a MIL who frequently calls me Mum. In fact, not even my daughter calls me Mum as she prefers Mummy. MIL also refers to herself as Mum, which is confusing. She also calls my mother Mum, which is extra-weird. And she refers to her own (deceased) mother as Mum, too. It's a headfuck talking to her sometimes. I refer to all these people by their actual names but she never notices. Either that or she's doing it on purpose.

[Leelu6]

How did it go with your MIL today, OP? (If you saw her)

[TruJay]

I DID IT

I saw mil twice soon after my last comment on this thread but didn't confront but our relationship had turned to me just ignoring her as it was "hi mummy" "how's mummy today?" And on and on....

Then it was ds's birthday last week and we'd had a really lovely day, had loads of fun celebrating, his classmates over during the day and had some family here late aft into the evening, all going great then PIL came over...
"Hi mummy! How's mummy?" "so mummy, how did the party go?" I ignored "mummy, the party? Everything go well?" "How's mummy today? it just immediately irritated me and I didn't want the day spoiling so it just came out of nowhere.
Me: "TruJay..."
Mil:
Me: "It's TruJay! Not mummy"
Mil: but you ARE mummy?!
Me: Not to you I'm not!
Mil:
I left the room and, had my name used twice by her for the remainder of the evening they stayed which wasn't long and......we haven't seen them since!
Don't know if that's means I've been successful or not???

[OzzieFem]

Tell your BIL to stop calling you mummy as you have no intention of breastfeeding him. Watch the faces.

[VenusRising]

TruJay, I think ere are a few things going on, and depending on her own security and level of niceness it could be for any number of motives.

If she's happy with you as a DIL and she also feels that you are like her, that is, not too bettered, not too radical, then she's calling you mummy as that's how she defines and defined herself.

I think this means she approves of you being a mummy, and she remembers fondly her time as a mummy.



If she's a jealous old bag who is annoyed or challenged by you doing your course, she may feel that you are making her look bad, as she didn't get the chance perhaps to do a course and get on.

If she feels that you're a modern woman, she maybe genuinely is afraid you'll leave her son, as soon as your "feminist" course is finished. She may be alarmed that you have a seperate identity and are not primarily seen as her son's wife and the mother to his children. This may worry her that you're planning an escape.

What to do?

I would ask her why she's calling you mummy.... And listen to what she has to say?
Ask her how big a step it was for her to come a mum. Acknowledge her choices.
Remind her that she can do a course too, and ask her if she's found anything interesting in her local college?

Remind her how much you love your DH, her son, as I think she really believes she's got a funny idea about you doing your course as being the first step to making her son's married life more precarious.
She's got caught an old fashioned thought loop.

I think she needs reassurance you're not packing your bags, and that she's not a bit rubbish for just being a mum.


You need to see her a an old fashioned woman who's probably a bit worried and challenged by your "bigger" life.

Question her about her identity as a woman and mother, listen to her, and reassure her you're
a)not making a comment about her choices by doing something different and b)that you're not tying the sheets together to do a midnight flit.



If all above doesn't do the trick, just say "I'm noticing that you're not using my name, Jay, and I'm wondering, as I'm not your mummy, if you'd call me by my name, Jay, thanks". Repeat ad nauseum.

[TruJay]

ozzie

That's the thing though venus she is successful and returned to education herself after kids.
She wasn't happy when we got married, too young she said, even though we were older than she was, wasn't happy when DS was on his way and now I'm back to studying she isn't happy either as I'm no longer just 'mummy' I can't win.

[VenusRising]

Sounds like she has ishoos and is overly involved in her son's life and his choices.

Yes, I think your right and I sadly agree, you can't win this one.

So repeat like a broken record. "Why do you call me mummy, my name is Jay." Over and over again. With a smile and a laugh. Don't let the bastards drag you down! If you are feeling murderous, you need to step back... She's not that important, really.

Good luck!

[IcingandSlicing]

Does she have kids? Call her mummy in return.
If that doesn't work, try to call her by her name maybe she gets the hint.
If still not, politely remind her your name.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Oh Icing - this is one of those times when you really should have RTFT - of course she has children, she's the OP's MIL!!

Trujay - bloody well done to you, hope it sticks, just keep doing what you're doing and she'll get the hint soon enough. And just keep on ignoring her when she "forgets"!