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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset at what DH said (or is it the pregnancy hormones)?

27 replies

Woodenmouse · 18/01/2016 06:17

I'm not sure if I'm being crazy to be bothered about a comment DH made earlier.

Quick background: DH has been working in the same industry since he was 16 he's built his career up and is now starting his own business which I fully support. I went to university but ended up not wanting to follow that path once I'd finished. When I met DH I was back at university studying a different subject and paying for the course myself as I wasn't entitled to finding. After a while we moved in together and less than a month later he was made redundant. He struggled to find another job and my part time job wasn't anywhere near enough to support us. So I ended up leaving uni and getting a full time job to support us. Eventually DH found another job which we had to move away for(he was doing temp work to help bring in some money). I found a different type of job that I hated which I stayed in until I had DS and then I found a lower paid part time job as I didn't want to return to the stress and I didn't want to commute. Basically I've never had a "career" just jobs to make money to live.

Anyway yesterday DH was talking to his mum and hot into a conversation about his brothers. DH doesn't get on with his brothers for various reasons but was trying to have a serious talk to hopefully eventually start fixing things but his mum just brushed him off. After the conversation he has a vent about it to me saying his mum always brushes over things with him and treats him like a child which she doesn't with the others(there was more to it but that was the basics) then he said "I'm probably the most mature out of all of us, I have a career while they bounce around from job to job, they have no goals and no focus, they aren't responsible, who can't pick a career path and stick to it?" Cue hysterical pregnancy tears from me!! He basically just described me to bad mouth his brothers and when I pointed this out he said "oh I didn't mean you". I agree with him that his brothers aren't responsible but I don't think not having a "career" as he put it, is one of the reasons why. He keeps saying he didn't mean anything about me when he Said it but I keep thinking he can't attack something in some people and let it go in others. (This also isn't the first time the whole career/being responsible thing has come up). AIBU to be really upset about this or am I just being a crazy pregnany lady?
(Sorry for the long post)

OP posts:

HelpfulChap · 18/01/2016 06:25

I think you are reading touch into it. He was having a rant about his family without realising that his words may have resonated with you.

I can say with almost total certainty that he did not have you mind.

Good luck with your pregnancy and your partners new business.

MrsH1989 · 18/01/2016 06:32

I can see why the comment would upset you but your hormones are definitelya heightening the feeling. I would have pointed out the link as well but I wouldn't read much into a rant.

Katenka · 18/01/2016 06:40

But are did his brothers jobs change because of circumstances like yours.

Did they study, did they move because of their partners job? Did they quit work because they had a child?

Unless the circumstances are the exactly the same I think Yabu.

BalloonSlayer · 18/01/2016 06:57

Your circumstances aren't the same. You started a second university course because you wanted a career, and you gave it up to work to financially support the furtherance of his career. I expect he really appreciates that and wasn't talking about you at all.

As long as he understands and acknowledges it was his being unable to find a job that stuffed up your career then I really don't think he was talking about you. If he has "conveniently forgotten" this and thinks he's a Self Made Man then YANBU, remind him!

JimmyChoosChimichanga · 18/01/2016 07:21

You left your career path for good reasons whereas DP was pointing out that his DBs have left theirs for wanton reasons so it's different and YABU but due to hormones.

CombineBananaFister · 18/01/2016 07:40

The black and white words are the same but the meaning isn't. As others have said, you haven't bounced around 'irresponsibly', you've made choices and sacrifices for your family. I think your DH has just plucked the career thing as just one example of his brothers being annoying - like you said it's a whole big bundle of reasons for them.
Does he ever make you feel like you're not pulling you weight financially? if not, It seems it was just a poor choice of words. If he does, maybe a reminder of what you've had to do to enable his career

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 18/01/2016 08:05

To upset you that much, he must have hit a nerve. Many people move jobs a lot in the early years until they find their feet and settle. Do you want more than just a little part time job? If you do, then put a plan in action. If you don't then you are choosing actively to not have a career so why would comments bother you.

Doing a degree then never using it does seem pointless. Especially now when costs of uni are so high and won't get any lower as so many never pay back the student loans.

BathtimeFunkster · 18/01/2016 08:10

I'm amazed that you gave up university to support your live-in boyfriend.

I'm not sure the man who allowed you to make such a bad decision for his benefit ever gets to criticise your career.

Not that I think he was.

Being his woman, you probably don't count as someone who should have a career or be focused on goals.

That's his prerogative.

Katenka · 18/01/2016 08:13

I'm not sure the man who allowed you to make such a bad decision for his benefit ever gets to criticise your career.

Allowed her?

If you live with someone and they lose their job and bills aren't getting paid. Then one option is that the other gets a job.

At no point has OP treats her as 'his woman'.

BathtimeFunkster · 18/01/2016 08:57

If you live with someone and they lose their job and bills aren't getting paid. Then one option is that the other gets a job.

So if your flatmate gets made redundant, you should give up the degree you are paying for and could afford before they moved in and let go of your long term dreams?

Or is this just something you have to give up for a boyfriend you are shagging?

(Let's not get into gender "reversals", because no man would drop out of college he was payback by for having gone back to retrain just because his girlfriend couldn't pay her way.)

BathtimeFunkster · 18/01/2016 09:00

And yes, "let".

Who accepts the offer that their girlfriend should drop out of college to support them?

Nobody who is ever going to put her first.

glueandstick · 18/01/2016 09:05

I wouldn't take it personally. If he had an issue with it then he would mentioned it at some point. It's the same in this household. I failed my degree. He didn't. He always jokes about it but it doesn't bother me as we both know if push came to shove that my skillset means I can swap and change industry as necessary and he'd be a bit stuffed.

Everything seems worse when you're pregnant. Really don't worry about it.

Katenka · 18/01/2016 09:29

So if your flatmate gets made redundant, you should give up the degree you are paying for and could afford before they moved in and let go of your long term dreams?

They aren't flat mates. That doesn't make sense.

But if your flat mate can't afford to pay rent they need to move out.

How would the OP feel about moving her dp (not boyfriend...partner) out and advertising for another one?

Who accepts the offer that their girlfriend should drop out of college to support them?

Has she said he didn't bother to try and find work? Maybe she may the decision as an adult herself.

One adult doesn't 'let' or 'allow' another adult to do something.

Cavaradossi · 18/01/2016 09:38

I'm with Bathtime - I'm appalled you felt you needed to give up your university course in order to support your DP, when presumably you were already trying to combine study and a part-time job in order to pay for your course - and more appalled that he seems to have been happy to accept that now it was all about his career, and let you languish in a series of jobs, rather than being grateful for your completely mad sacrifice, and taking the first opportunity he could to take a back seat in his own career to support you completing university and establishing yourself in yours.

Of course it's a sore point for you - why wouldn't it be? It's a fundamental inequality in your relationship.

And please don't do that 'silly me, it must be pregnancy hormones making me upset' thing I hear so often on here. I can accept that perhaps some women turn into weepy, hysterical sponges during pregnancy, but it wasn't my experience, or that of any close friends.

What are you going to do about rectifying the situation, OP?

Cavaradossi · 18/01/2016 09:40

Sorry, OP, my tone on the pregnancy hormone things wasn't intended to be snide. All I'm saying is that if you are upset about something serious when you're pregnant, the pregnancy doesn't invalidate the feelings. And what you're upset about is serious.

Gobbolino6 · 18/01/2016 09:41

I think he probably didn't feel that he was describing you at all, since he knows the sacrifices you have made and that the circumstances are very different.

BathtimeFunkster · 18/01/2016 09:46

One decent adult certainly doesn't allow the girlfriend they just moved in with to drop out of college to cover his share of the bills.

The answer to that suggestion is "absolutely under no circumstances are you dropping out of college. I was made redundant, I will sort this."

Leelu6 · 18/01/2016 09:54

In the nicest possible way - YABU.

You're letting your own insecurities cloud your judgement here.

It must be frustrating for him if he wants to make up with this brothers and his mum isn't helping facilitate it, so his frustration came out on his brothers.

I think you're sensitive about not having finished uni. Could you go back when the kids are a little older?

Cavaradossi · 18/01/2016 09:58

Yes, Bathtime, exactly. God knows the man who is now my DH and I have done this kind of thing for one another over the 23 years of our relationship (which featured us getting seven degrees between us, and getting on our feet in two careers, dealing with redundancies and unemployment etc), but we'd been a committed couple for a long time first, and we each 'paid it back' to the other, as I would hope does any couple. We're currently living somewhere for 'him', and I'm changing careers to an extent, so the next move is mine to wherever I find the right job.

Zorigami · 18/01/2016 10:04

You made a big sacrifice. I think it maybe hormones making you a bit sensitive and your DH was totally letting of steam. Sounds like he was hurt by his DM esp if he was trying to build bridges. Don't forget that one has a very different opinion of their OH than of others who upset them. Kiss and make up.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 18/01/2016 10:09

I would be upset too. To be honest it does sound like you didn't even enter his head in the same way as his brothers because you are a wife and a mother and that doesn't even enter his radar for you to have a career as well.
So no, he didn't include you in his rant, but his attitude to you would need further looking into I think if I was you

MazzleDazzle · 18/01/2016 10:17

Completely different circumstances. I really don't think he was having a dig at you.

Sounds like you are holding on to some anger/disappointment for giving up your course. Tell your husband how you feel, then let it go. Could you pick it up again once your DC are older?

CocktailQueen · 18/01/2016 10:20

YABU - don't think he was having a dig at you. Unless you think that he doesn't think as much of your career/jobs as he does of his own? Sounds like his career has taken priority over yours:

So I ended up leaving uni and getting a full time job to support us. Eventually DH found another job which we had to move away for(he was doing temp work to help bring in some money). I found a different type of job that I hated which I stayed in until I had DS and then I found a lower paid part time job as I didn't want to return to the stress and I didn't want to commute. Basically I've never had a "career" just jobs to make money to live.

Did you resent leaving uni during your second course? What do you want to do?

MazzleDazzle · 18/01/2016 12:45

I'm going to make a suggestion here...is there any chance that deep down you weren't happy with the course and relieved to give it up and work full time?

It's just a thought and if I'm wrong, I certainly meant no offence. It's just that sometimes it's easier to blame circumstances/others rather than take responsibility.

BillBrysonsBeard · 18/01/2016 13:19

I can really see why you feel upset as yes he has described you. But he was having a rant about his brothers and latched on the fact about not having a career, whereas with you this isn't an issue. What we see as a negative in others, we don't see as a problem in our partner. This wasn't an attack on you or revealing of his true thoughts.

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